recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Jan 1, 2007 9:39:54 GMT -5
I have built up relationships with family members since giving up p, I am closer to my mum and dad. I used to barely talk to them because I felt ashamed. I forgave 1 of my cousins for something he did a few years ago and my relationship has improved with him.
I started to talk to more girls at college, so I got a lot more friends that are girls since I stopped looking at p.
What I am trying to say is try to improve your relationship with family and girls in general. Trust me it makes you despise porn and slowly weans you off this disgusting crap.
I hope this helps
Recoverer
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Post by pac2544 on Feb 16, 2007 14:54:09 GMT -5
I hate to admit it , but I have been in an awful slump for the past month. I was fine when I went to Florida on business last month but i went right back to porn the very next day I returned home. It is like I am afarid to be without it because then i will have a normal relationship. And what happens if I go back to porn when my SO is not around. It has happened to me in the past.
I think thats why I am afarid of recovering. I know I am an engaging person and can make friends easily. BUt when it comes to a close relationship with a woamn the fear of slipping and ruining it is so strong that I can't help but slip to prevent that. Thats really bizarre when you think of it.
I keep saying I will be here everyday but don't come. I am saying it again and we'll see what happens. My arms are so sore from MB that its hard to type. I hope this is the time I keep my promise to myself and the board. I have been taking the advice here about honesty. I haven't told many people about this. Maybe one or two, but it was in the wrong context. People at work aren't too compassionate about this problem I have. They think it is funny.
I guess some people love to see others fail sometimes.
Peace PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Feb 21, 2007 17:37:32 GMT -5
I have said over and over again that i won't go to the porn sites, I'll come to the board first. Well , I haven't been doing that. I may have to turn off the computer for a while to really get control. Its been three weks since I wrote in my journal and I had so much porn on my computer that the K-9 filter ran for what seemed minutes creating a detailed summary of where I had been since last June.
Things are getting worse. i look at porn everyday and now I am starting to let my other chores go. I don't clean the house as much or fix things around the house like i should. The only days I am really good about staying clean are when I am not here. I have started smoking again and sometimes i deink a lot when I look at porn.
I used to think no one had a clue about what i do here at my computer, but it has got to be obvious to my friends and neighbors. A co-worker mention something about cyber sex on the computer to me. He has driven by and seen me at the computer. I wonder if he could see my face very well. He knew I was on the internet.
My ex Gf let me know she has moved in with a new BF. Even though it has been tow years since we split up it was still a blow to me. I thinnk I live in the past to much. I have always let a relationship that failed get to me. Thats usually when I turn to porn. In the case of my ex I started back in on porn about 3 years after we were together. I got so bad I would look at it until she walked in the door and would almost catch me. She was ok wit it, but I wasn't ok with her being ok with it. I wanted to stop but I still haven't.
I want to be true to what I say I'll do. I have promised to come here every day and post in my journal but I haven't done that. I am not very reliable. I know I must stop this behavior but I haven't had the guts to do it yet.
I know its been a part of my life since I was 13. NOw I get depressed and go to bed at 8 or 9 o'clock. My house is a mess and I haven't made any new friends. If I was sober I know I would be more out going. Now that I just got done masturbating I won't feel like being very sociable. I have been to church but it sems wrong when I have this secret life. If I could only stop.
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Post by MJ on Feb 21, 2007 18:58:35 GMT -5
Hey PAC,
Keep posting on the board, my friend. Have you considered seeing a counselor about what's been going on? I'm in the midst of finding one myself. SLAA, this board, priests, etc. are still not enough. The roots of this addiction go much deeper than just looking at p and mb'ing.
Please keep us posted on what's going on.
Peace, MJ
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Post by pac2544 on Feb 28, 2007 6:23:16 GMT -5
Things have changed for me in the last three days. My son, who is 25, moved in with me last Sunday because his mother kicked him out. I don't know him that well since I wasn't around while he was growing up. I have felt terrible about that decision I made so long ago and I think that abandoning my girl friend when she was pregnant might be part of the reason I have difficulty with relationships with women. So the good part about all this is I get the chance to build a relationship with my son. I also have the needed incentive to stay off porn sites so he doesn't see me doing that. I noticed he checked some past searched I had done for porn , but the filter must have blocked access. Anyways he hasn't said anything about it to me.
I tried an idea I found on a post here. I randomly chose a password for the filter software and wrote on a piece of paper that I placed in a baggie which is now encased in ice in the freezer. I can have access to the password if I need to, but I'll have to wait for it to thaw before I can get it. That should be enough time to to cool off before I have a slip again.
Its funny that my son called the day after I decided to try this. I can imagine how I would have felt had he called when I was in the midst off a full blown binge. Maybe this is God's way of helping me help myself. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Mar 2, 2007 16:12:42 GMT -5
So far so good with my son being here. I think its going well. We are qite different but , still we are related so there is a bond there.. I have some bad news thugh. I spent part of yesterday looking for porn videos on E-Bay and the filter didn't stop me. I guess that was a slip. i knew I was doing it and i didn't stop. That was as far as i went though, no mb. It still feels like a bad slip. I knew my son, Joel, wouldn't be home so I felt free to indulge. I was interupted by a phone call and that prevented me from going further. Thank God the password to the filter is frozen in ice. If it were more easily accessable I probably would have opened it and bypassed the software by now. I am so glad i tried that idea. Now if I could only keep my mind from desiring the porn I would be that much further along in my recovery. Peace
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Post by pac2544 on Mar 5, 2007 6:26:44 GMT -5
Here I am as promised writing another entry in my journal. It has been going well. So far I have been clean for a week. I hope I can keep it going. Sometimes i feel like looking at porn but the password for K-9 is locked away and I can't remember it . I feel better every day. I have been working out at the gym a lot. Now before i get all rosy here I want to say that still everything is not perfect and it never will be, It is a struggle to stay grounded. I remember the last time I got all bubbly about being clean, it wabout an hour until I slipped. So I won't do that. I am making a concious effort to spend time talking to woman with no intention of dating them or having things progress beyond a casual relationship. At least for now. I remember a time when I had so many female friends, they really made me fel good. So maybe I can get to be like that again and be content. My spiritual life is better. Since I have removed the evil that is porn I feel closer to God. My general outlook on life, while not overly upbeat, is less depressed and I feel like I have something to live for. I believe that my faith i God and Jesus will help me get through this. Peace PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Mar 7, 2007 17:36:17 GMT -5
I slipped yesterday and today. I was going to just check on the K-9 history logger and the temptation was too great. I wanted to see what my son was looking at because I suspected him of drug abuse. As soon as I finished checking i went to the porn site. Just looked. Wanted to mb but didn't . Still I don't feel good about it. And worse yet when I got home i blasted my son for something he might have done wrong but i can't prove. He denied the misdeed and since I had no proof I was unable to do more than threaten him. I don't whats worse; drugs or porn. They are both horrible life sappers. I don't know if i would have blown up if I hadn't felt guilty about the slip yesterday. I have to go back to making the password hard to get at. It was too easy to go look at porn. Now I am going to go work out hard to get rid of my frustrations about this.
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Post by pac2544 on Apr 21, 2007 17:37:31 GMT -5
Wow, it has been five months since I posted in my journal. I haven't been doing so good. The urge to look at porn is still strong. I have continued to come to the addicts and the partners forums. I find a lot of help there. I now know that it is really up to me. If I want to beat this I have to struggle with all my might. Its so hard because I realize i use porn to deal with stress. So I have begun my bicycle riding regimen again and vow to get my self in good shape again. If I feel good about myself maybe i can fight the addiction. God bless PAC
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Post by pac2544 on May 2, 2007 16:16:10 GMT -5
Ok so I haven't been posting in my journal very much. I read through some of the old posts and it brought back memories of such dark lonely days. Well, my days are stil lonely, but that is by choice and of course the fact that i have been unable to stop looking at porn.
I have come to the realization that only I can stop if i choose to do so. And to completely stop I also must quit drinking so much. I am a different person when i am drunk. Much more talkative, but also more uninhibited and thats when i turn to porn, or at least one of the times I turn to it. Another time is when I feel stressed or lonely.
I am on day two . I don't like counting days so much. It makes it seem as though I am counting up to my next slip. I hope there isn't one. I really hate being a loner. The porn usage makes me feel unworthy of company.
I know what it feels like before I slip. I have a thought that I will go look awhile. And if i give in to that feeling it will be a few days before I get a grip again. It might be as much as a week. Reading my old posts here really opened my eyes to how bad it has been for me. I maybe onto something here that will lead to sobriety. Real sobriety... thats is no alcohol which really has been making me feel as lousy as the porn has. I hope that if i feel good physically I will then feel better about myself and that will lead to awhole cascade of good things that can happen to me. We shall see.
Most of my old posts were sad. Or they would alternate between 'I am doing ok' to 'damn, I slipped'. I would like this time to be a good long permanent stretch of sobriety. Wish me luck. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on May 3, 2007 15:21:08 GMT -5
I am on day two. No porn, and no alcohol today. I feel ok and my vision has been clearer than I can remember, and my memory has improved. I had a long talk with a coworker about issues we face in life. I think I could tell him about my problem and he would understand but I don't want to admit it yet. I am still ashamed. I feel like taking a nap and then I'll go outside since it is beautiful!
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Post by pac2544 on May 4, 2007 16:16:17 GMT -5
Made it two days and then I slipped. I came home from the gym. For some reason i started thinking about going to the internet for porn. I have been a bit too isolated from people and was feeling down. i have so many things to d o and i don't get to them. Well, I slipped last night and again today. So Its start all over again. It is like I can't stand the thought of not having the time to masturbate. I feel bad so now I have to go exercise so I don't feel so rotten. I know I use porn so I won't have a relationship with someone. i don't know why i am afraid to be vulnerable. I need to get some counselling.
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Post by pac2544 on May 6, 2007 12:10:10 GMT -5
no slip today. I really had to fight it just now. If I can keep from giving into the urge to 'just take a peek' I do a lot better. Its funny how something as inocuos as a bikini ad can trigger. But mostly it is my weakness for porn that gets the better of me.. Heres to a full day of sobriety.
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Post by ferdberfil on May 7, 2007 10:33:33 GMT -5
Hey pac2544-
Just checking in, trying to be more social with other folks' journals. Hope you're having a good day today.
I agree with you about "just tak(ing) a peek," that's not healthy behavior. Firm recovery means not taking those peeks. You know how to practice recovery, you just have to keep doing it! I'm pulling for you sir.
-FB
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Post by pac2544 on May 8, 2007 15:49:57 GMT -5
Thanks Ferdferbil, I haven't been taking any peeks. I felt like it for a moment today but I didn't give in. I have some many other things to do besides looking at porn. This is day number 3. Gosh it feels like forever. I am really trying to keep my mind off of sex. Most people don't dwell on it and that seems like healthy behavior.
I really can't believe how much porn has consumed me. When I stop to think about it I really am amazed at the time I have spent on porn where as other guys (normal ones) have pursued real women, not the fantasy ones.
Well, all is ok today. I am going to Florida next week to help Grandad get back up to New York. That will be a nice diversion. PAC
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