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Post by pac2544 on Dec 8, 2006 6:38:39 GMT -5
I have been four days clean now. I feel ok. Sometimes a feeling of woe sets upon me and I think if I would just go look again I would feel ok. But I scream out loud "NO" and the thought goes away. I had a rough time since Thanksgiving. I lost all control. I would even say that I had slipped for my last time. I don't know how many times i said it but it was dozens. I am going to try very hard this time to stay clean. I want to be rid of this diesease once and for all. At least it's worst manifestations that cause the lonliness and shame. Like any addict I may never totally be rid of this addiction but I can some day be in control of it instead of it being the other way around. PAC
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Post by MJ on Dec 8, 2006 16:21:07 GMT -5
Hey pac2544, Keep taking things one day at a time. When you get those "nostalgic" feelings to go and look at p keep yelling "NO!". Peace, MJ
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 9, 2006 12:25:49 GMT -5
I had a slip last night. I attended a basketball game and was depressed upon returning home because I was alone. The slip didn't help my mood for afterward I felt just as depressed and had to deal with the fact that I slipped after 5 days of being clean. Actually, I felt like going to look at some porn just a while ago but instead I looked at a few journal entries and it gave me some inspiration to stay clean and start a new streak of sobriety. There are times I feel that this board is just a big waste of time because I don't feel that much stronger than I did last month. But I now realize that my recovery is coming along at the pace that it should. I didn't get this way in one year. How can I think I will be rid of it in just a few months. Thanks to all who have read my journal and offered encouragement and advice. PAC
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Post by MJ on Dec 9, 2006 18:54:21 GMT -5
Hey PAC, Just keep posting. Keep talking about things. You ARE making an effort to recover, which would be more than if you didn't visit this site at all. Keep fighting. I'm fighting alongside you. ---MJ
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 11, 2006 21:32:52 GMT -5
I had a slip today. I don't feel good about it and I don't feel horrible either. It happened and its over. I have started an accountability program with another member here, a Mr. PACH. Maybe I chose him because his moniker is like mine . Tomorrow is day one and if I slip we start anew. If Pach slips its back to day one again. I hope the challenge will help me stay off porn. The disappointment if I let some one down may work. I guess its worth a try. I hope and pray that it works. PAC2544
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pach
Full Member
Posts: 217
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Post by pach on Dec 12, 2006 0:18:31 GMT -5
Lets keep on man. Tomorrow is day 1, lets make it trough tomorrow so we can start counting!! --pach
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 13, 2006 22:30:01 GMT -5
I have been doing well with Pach and our challenge. Today was day two and no urge to slip. I am educating myself about the reality of porn and the industry that makes it. It generates a lot of money but causes a lot of pain for those who perform in the videos. I think of it as a form of prostituition only it is legal. Its still damaging to the people involved. And i don't think you'll see any actor ever say they hope to be making porn their whole life. It can't be very uplifting for them. I know how bad it has been for me. BUt I didn't come here to be negative. I just wanted to say all is as well as can be today!
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Post by otto9176 on Dec 14, 2006 1:49:16 GMT -5
Hey Pac2544...nice...keep positive. A positive frame of mind is a good way to reinforce that you can do it and it'll keep the momentum in your court.
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 15, 2006 18:42:16 GMT -5
Todays is day three. I feel like it would be easy to give in. The research I have done has shown me that I am not bad for having this problem, just misguided. I think that limiting my time surfing the net is the best way to stay clean. Usually when i would slip it would be after spending an hour or more on the NET and then, without realizing I was doing it, or saying 'oh what the hell, it doesn't matter anyway', I would go to the porn sites and masturbate. I never felt good afterwards, just ashamed that I had lost control again. The worst part is that my relationship with my girlfriend eneded because of it. Come to think of it all my relationships with all of my ex girlfriends ended because of porn and masturbation. I feel like crap now. NOt becuase of my past. I mean just in general. Achy, crabby, miserable. I hope its because of withdrawal and not that I am getting a cold . I am sure I will make it through today and then take care of tomorow when it comes. I am going to help make food baskets for people in need tomorrow and that will help fill the weekend up a little bit. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 21, 2006 16:38:09 GMT -5
I haven't posted in my journal in a week. I have been coming to the board and reading the posts , though. I m doing ok. I realize if I get over confident I ILL have a slip. Thats what happened last time. That was on December 13th. Since then I have been doing really well as far as porn and masturbation goes. I feel kind of crappy still. Not sure if Iam sick or its because iI haven't been giving in to mb , which is what I used to do to mask my pains. Maybe I always felt really crappy, I just wouldn't let myself feel it, but hid in the porn. Pach and i are on our ninth day of our challenge. The upcoming Christmas holiday might be a difficult one to get through, but I think I can make it. Thanksgiving was hard to stay clean during, although I have more resolve to stay clean now. I just don't want to say I have it beat because then it will rise up and bite me. Stay cool every body. Peace. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 26, 2006 18:37:41 GMT -5
I slipped again. I knew I was doing it . I overrode the filter and went to my old porn sites. Damn this internet porn. It sucks and its keeping me a lonely man. Now I feel worthless and crappy. And i will feel this way for a time. I know it, it has been this way before. I had been since December 11th without a slip. I had a few drinks and bam, ther I was. Back to porn and masturbation. Why can't I control myself?
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 30, 2006 11:58:15 GMT -5
Since Christmas i have been slipping on a daily basis. I need to get my head straight so I don't keep falling into this pattern of doing ok for a few days or weeks and then falling back into the abyss for about the same time. Once I slip I feel like I might as well slip again because I've blown it already, so what the hell? Really, my problem is a fear of having a close relationship with someone. Or is it a fear of having someone find out about me? Maybe thats it. If I had a room mate or a SO I would not be doing this as much , or hopefully at all. I need to have control. The new year is coming I want to be free from this for ever.
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Post by MJ on Dec 30, 2006 17:01:10 GMT -5
Hey pac2544, I hear ya, man. Hang in there. I'm afraid of having a close relationship with someone too. Keep posting here. We all need each other. Just hang in there. ---MJ
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recoverer
Full Member
No P since 27/06/07 and it is going to stay that way!
Posts: 155
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Post by recoverer on Dec 30, 2006 18:14:36 GMT -5
Same as, I found that I slip alot in the christmas holidays, then after I relised I have slipped I go what the hell lets look at some more?
The reason for this is because is that you feel low after your slip then thinking you can't lower yourself anymore you look at more and more.
You got to say you got more pride than that, think of your worst enemy or someone you realy loathe (make sure that person you loathe is the same gender as you otherwise this tactic may backfire). It has worked for me after a slip.
Keep your chin up and keep fighting this horrible addiction and don't fall.
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 31, 2006 8:19:54 GMT -5
I had a bad couple of days and felt pretty bad about myself. Its like I am afraid to be normal. If I stopped my addiction I will have to replace it with something and I haven't found anything that draws me in the way it does. One of the worst things about this addiction is how it affects my relationships with people, how it makes me bitter, especially towards women. I have been seeing a nice girl but I won't be anything more than friends and i don't want to tell her why. It may be that my inner addict won't let me get close because it doesn't want to have to stop looking at porn.
Recoverer, I'll try to think of someone I really hate the next time I have the desire to go looking for porn. I really don't 'hate' anyone so maybe I'll think of satan or the evil spirit that has me in its grip. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll give it a try and see how that goes. MJ, sorry to hear you have trouble with a close relationship too. In my case it affects not only relationships with women but also with men. Even relationships with my family members are affected. They are not bad relationships, just weak ones. Still I fear making a mistake and hurting someones feelings. That might be why I stay away from a close relationship. If that is the case I have to work on not making those mistakes or saying the hurtful things.
Is it my addiction that makes me bitter, or is it my bitterness that makes me an addict? PAC
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