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Post by pac2544 on Aug 15, 2007 21:47:21 GMT -5
I called the SA therapist and he called back while I was out. I hope this works for me. I have tried going it alone for too long and I am fed up with my lack of continued success. I don't know why I can't be like my friends who aren't consumed by porn, yet they can watch it and leave it. There are some deep rooted issues in my life, but maybe it is as simple as I have conditioned myself to use porn from a very young age.
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Post by ferdberfil on Aug 16, 2007 0:21:43 GMT -5
Hey Pac-
I'm really glad you called the therapist. I think you're going to find it really helpful. Nice work.
-FB
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Post by useless servant on Aug 17, 2007 5:09:23 GMT -5
Hi, pac2544,
Good to hear you are so eager to still try. I am betting on your success in becoming porn-free.
I tried to find SA therapist in my country and they weren't able to locate one. My shrink said porn is normal.
Marvin a.k.a. useless
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 17, 2007 5:34:17 GMT -5
A lot of people find porn normal. For me it is an all consuming addiction. If I would rather biew porn and masturbate than have a relationship with another human being, whether it be sexual or platonic, then it is not normal. I have friends who watch porn and can still relate to their wives or friends. The porn has to affect them, and I know they do not want their children to be exposed to it as they have said so. I have an appointment to meet with a therapist on Tuesday. I have come to the point in my recovery that it seems like this is the next logical step if I want to be able to control my self. My level of understanding of this disease is much greater today than when I first came here over a year ago. I think talking to a real person about this will be very helpful. This board has given me so much assistance in getting better, but I was not able to stop my destructive behavior alone. So, at the urging of those who have been there and had success, i am taking the next step. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 17, 2007 15:09:08 GMT -5
So far so good today. I still think about going to a porn site. I feel really crappy today and the thought of spending tonight alone is not very comforting. I know someday i will feel better and have people inmy life. Right now the pain of lonliness is very great. But I won't go to porn or masturbate. I'll go do something else. Also I haven't had a beer in four days so I am feeling nerves I have been numbing for so long. Yeow! PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 19, 2007 18:02:14 GMT -5
I haven't slipped since last Monday. I have thought of going to look at porn but I know what that will mean for my life. I have quit other harmful behaviors before, I think I can (want to) quit this one. I feel crappy still. My back hurts for some reason. i know I use porn to numb myself. I feel bad about how much I have hurt/abandoned those nearest to me. I have met a beautiful woman that i have a wonderful relationship with. I have known her for over a year and little by little I have opened up to her about myself, except for my addiction. Someday I will tell her about it and she will not leave me over it. BUrt if she does leave me then I nkow I have done the right thing anyways. Life is not so much better without porn, it just has more feeling to it. Some good some bad. Maybe thats how its supposed to feel. PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 20, 2007 5:33:21 GMT -5
I am doing ok. Tonight will mark one week sober. I feel like I won't slip but I also don't want to be overconfident. That always leads to a slip. Its tough being alone. But I can't be in a relationship until i can get control of this and learn how to deal with stress in a healthy way. Tomorrow i will go see a therapist. I wonder how that will go.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 22, 2007 20:59:33 GMT -5
I feel a bit down now that I am home tonight. An online friend hasn't shown up like she said she would.I was at the gym and had a nice work out and talked to my aquaintences there. I usually feel good after a workout. I had a doctors visit today. I have a small hernia in my belly button and he seemed very worried about it. So I have to have a CAT scan tomorrow. Its a bit worrysome but at least i am taking better care of myself. The therapist was a good idea. He is someone I can be truthful to. I know my addiction thrives in secrecy. One thing I have noticed about myself is I tend to give up on a relationship when it gets to a spot where it becomes work on my part. I don't know why I do that. The therapist thinks I push people away because my mother left my sister and I becasue she could no longer tolerate my abusive father. I don't blame her for leaving like that. I thought things would be better for us all. So now I expect everyone to abandon me and by feeling that way I do things so they feel like its better if they leave the relationship. That is so (expletive)ed up. Its true, I do that. I must contact some friends to let them know I still think about them.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 24, 2007 16:43:29 GMT -5
I have the urge to look at porn. I have a new computer and I don't htonight, but I no longer wish to drink aloave K-9 on it yet. I'll get it and install it before I get carried away and do something I'll regret later. I am really comitted to fighting my addiction now. I am also limiting my alcohol consumtion. Sobriety is full of feelings. I may have a beer tonight , but I don't want to drink alone, nor do I wish to be alone. I know my addiction has kept me that way. I told my GF about having looked at porn and masturbated to it. I have told her more than I have told anyone else. Even more than my therapist. She is my fre therapist. She is really good for me, and I want to get better so we can be together. Peace
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Post by charles515 on Aug 24, 2007 17:57:45 GMT -5
Hey Pac, I started reading your journal and it's always erie reading something someone wrote when it feels you wrote it yourself.
I, too, tried and tried and tried again to quit. I remember the first time I tried to quit was when I was 19 years old, I'm 35 now. I had a subscription to Playboy and ripped out all the naked pictures in it. My brother found them and wanted to know why I did that. I didn't give him answer.
Anyway, you are so right about being over-confident leads to a slip. That's happened so many times. Last month I finally relented to seeing a counselor because obviously I wasn't accomplishing much on my own. One thing I realized was as much as I hated what I did, I really didn't want to quit. It brought pleasure, so why should I quit? I knew the only way I could quit was for me to not want it anymore. I was looking for an answer to not want it anymore. What made me not want it anymore was I realized how it affected my way of thinking. I've never had successful relationships and I always seemed to date the ones NO ONE should date.
The way it affected my thinking was I only went after the girls who were unbelievably hot. Sex was my motivation. I knew that if I ever wanted a honest, real relationship, I had to quit. That was my motivation. I'm currently on 7 days which is ties my record.
Another thing that helped was I stopped looking at any images that might increase my sexual appetite. That helped prevent the fire inside from getting bigger.
Good luck to you, just don't give up.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 25, 2007 9:09:39 GMT -5
I have this feeling I want to look at porn. Maybe I am at the tipping point where i can go one way or the other. I talked with my GF from the Philippines (now that is really long distance relating) and she has been understanding when i tell her about looking at porn and masturbating to it. She is like my free therapist! Anyway, since i have to go see my therapist on Tuesday I am trying very hard not to slip so I don't have to admit to him I did so. Thats a good thing for me. NOw I have someone I am accountable to. There are so many things going on in my life and for the first time in years I am facing them without porn to soften the stress. I have more time to deal with things, too. I can accomplish tasks that I used to put off. I really regret all the lost time that porn took from me, but its all in the past and I can't change it. Monday will be two weeks sober. It feels like a lot longer than that. I still have to work on being truthful about who i am and what I have done. I hope that after a little more sobriety I will feel better about opening up.
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 28, 2007 16:25:55 GMT -5
NO porn today. Not goping to go there. Spending time on the internet is a waste of time, but I can't seem to stay away. Sorry for this revelation, but I haveno friends I can count on and its largely because I am in the virtual world. I have to get out more. So many things I forgo because i spend hours online. I hope I am not replacing my porn with other online time.
I think I am better though. I feel lousy. NO porn to numb me. Thats ok ! I have had three beers so I am a little inebriated. Theres another thing I need to stop. Soldier onward! PAC
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 29, 2007 14:56:26 GMT -5
My last post was a bit of a rambling one. That has got to be the alcohol. I fluccuate between feeling good and feeling bad/sad. Today I had a decent day at work. i am sort of lazy there but I haven't found that working hard physiically gets me much in return. I am goo at my job, I treat the waste water for a chemical refinery, so it's very easy after 25 years of experince. It's not much of a challenge. I have the nagging feeling that I am going to slip. Like i will reward myself with one. It all started when i began thinking about how many days I have gone without a slip. Being alone exacerbates my situation. I keep hoping that one day i will break out of this life of loneliness. Porn has beena big factor in why I am alone. It thrives on secrecy and having someone here with mean I have to open up. I am working on staying in contact with my friends. Thats work for me, too. Like staying away from porn.
I'll read a few posts here and then go do something.
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Post by rockwell on Aug 29, 2007 19:09:47 GMT -5
pac2544,
DONT DO IT! You are setting yourself up for failure by allowing thoughts to enter your mind that you will slip. You will only feel worse in the morning. Do whatever it takes to stay away from it and keep your mind on pure thoughts. You can do it. It takes small steps but you will get there! Dont give up!
rockwell
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Post by pac2544 on Aug 30, 2007 5:41:03 GMT -5
I haven't slipped. I read my recent posts and realize how depressed I am. I don't want to get a quick fix and look at porn. That won't solve my problem.
The post from Charles515 really hit a chord in me. My thinking is still affected by porn. Its hard work to keep my mind focused on healthy thoughts. Now and then I'll have a rotten thought that is porn influenced and I'll have to make myself stop.
I am getting better. I have to remind myself that I am only on week 3 of sobriety. For the past 7 years I haven't had any goals. My relationships have withered and life is very boring at times. I won't give in to my old habit.
I think I may be manic depressive. My father was and it could have continued in me. I notice that my posts vary between sad and upbeat. Hopefully by posting more often I'll even my moods out. That and talking with more people is good for me too.
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