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Post by rockwell on Aug 31, 2007 15:05:37 GMT -5
Pac,
I am sad to read that you are feeling down. I want you to feel better and to be happy. Have you talked with your doctor about your depression? Perhaps medication would help you as it has helped so many others who suffer from depression. Remember that depression is something that needs to be treated just like cholesterol or heart problems and it is not your fault. Genetics do play a big role.
Good for you for not trying to numb the pain. Hold on .... you have made it 3 weeks and you will make it!!
Lord, be with Pac. Help him!
your friend on the journey, rockwell
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 4, 2007 5:10:21 GMT -5
I had a fun wekend. I went hiking in the Adirondaks and now I am very sore from all the climbing. It was welll worth the effort, except a bear got into our food even though we had it stored in 'bear proof' containers . We came back a day early and I was a bit sad because I knew I was coming back to an empty house. I have a long journey to come back from the abyss of porn. I hid in it. My lack of friendships has a lot to do with my use of porn. It was my 'friend'. But it really wasn't much of a friend because it sucked all my energy out of me and made me a shell of who I could be. I went to the gym yesterday and had a good workout. This was after doing some chores around the house and cleaning the car out. There are some people at the gym I have begun to start relationships with. I am reluctant to let people get to know me. I hate to bring up the fact that I am alone, and usually the next question is why am I alone? I don't like to say its because of porn because i don't think thats the whole reason. I don't like to admit it to new friends. Heck, I can't even admit it to the people I have known for years. This hesistancy on my part is most likely a symptom of of other issues. I hope to come to an understanding of why I am like this some day. People need other people in their life. I am no different than anyone else in that respect. But , still I am hesitant to get close to people. Its a trust issue. Mainly, I don't trust me yet. I am on week three of recovery so hopefully it will get easier to open up to people as my confidence comes back.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 5, 2007 5:36:47 GMT -5
Yesterday was my day to see the therapist. I have made so much progress in staying away from porn and masturbation. Part of my success is due to knowing that I have to go see him and tell him if I had a slip. The accountability partner thing is a great tool. I would like to have some more.
The therapist suggested group therapy. I am a bit uncomfortable with this idea. But that is because I am uncomfortable with opening up to people. I guard who I am. Never letting people know who i am. This is because i was ashamed of my porn habit. Since I quit looking at porn 23 days ago I have felt better about myself. I still get tense in some situations. Especiallly around women. Ihave this feeling that I should be trying to have sex with them and it makes me want to get away as fast as I can. With men I sometimes get homophobic and the same tense feeling comes along, but not as often. It's a matter of becoming a person again and having relationships. It will take time and I am up for the task.
BUT.... I DO NOT WANT TO GET OVERCONFIDENT! That always leads to a slip. Humility is the word for today.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 5, 2007 16:33:19 GMT -5
No slips today. I felt like looking a bit earlier but I didn't give in. The computer hasn't been unkind to me (actually I have been staying off the sites i used to go to). I still have some urges to go look. I miss having a close relationship with someone, but it is not to be just yet. Maybe in a few more months of sobriety. I am thinking about going to an AA meeting. Just to see if i am an alcoholic or not (I think so). If I can conquer porn then I can quit beer too. Porn makes me lonely, beer makes me a jerk. So I can become a better person all the way round now.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 7, 2007 5:12:13 GMT -5
I had a mini slip. I signed up for an adult dating service and then found out it was porn oriented. I kind of expected it but went ahead anyway. I didn't stay there long and I am not down on myself. I just know I am still in a position where I could fall back if i am not diligent in my actions. I am really lonely and was looking for someone nearby to have companionship with. I'll have to go to the gym tonight and get the demons out.
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Post by unhappyheart on Sept 7, 2007 5:52:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement Pac. Ish all I can say for now.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 7, 2007 15:00:56 GMT -5
I am feeling a bit down this afternoon. I have nothing to do tonight and I am bored. Thats a bad mix for my addiction. I think I'll go outside and do something for a while. The place I live in is isolated. I have one neighbor and they are never home. So it's quiet here. I really don't want to look at porn. I know it won't help. I need some companionship and I'll have to go find a place with people in it for my peacce of mind.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 7, 2007 16:30:12 GMT -5
I should have seen it coming. I was drinking and then I disabled my filter and slipped. I looked at porn and masturbated. I should have gone outside and done something else. I have the feeling that I will be in this habit for a while unless I quit drinking. I had two beers before I slipped. I guess I should have seen it coming . But I won't get down, I'll start over again and I'll stay away from the adult dating sirtes, which is what lead me to the slip.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 9, 2007 20:12:53 GMT -5
Still binging. I Need to get control. I wish I had more of it. I looked at porn and mb'ed tonight. Well I am still a work in progress. It seems that once I give in I give up on sobriety. Alcohol and some softcore were the catalysts. I need to be busier. I need to have control. I was feeling good (ie. overconfident) and have been on a prolonged slip. I even lied to a friend about what I was doing when she called while I was bingeing . Now I don't know how to cover my lie. I don't think I should cover it and I know that the small lies kill a relationship . Its an awful thing to do to someone and this is how my relationships fall apart. Its why I am alone, Oh crap I wish this wasn't so hard to beat.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 11, 2007 16:52:33 GMT -5
Well, I have myself back on track again. It was a rough couple of days last weekend. I don't know if i just couldn't stand success or what. It seemed like I was doing well and then it all fell apart in one afternoon.
I have my appointment with my therapist on Friday. I still resist getting close to too many people. I wish I was different in that way. I conseider myself a Christaian person but I find that I like non-christian things like drinking a lot and of course porn. I have quite a battle going on inside me. I feel like all my relationships are failed and its true because i find a reason to give up on them. Or else I become a jerk over some little thing.
I feel that if I can maintain a sober attitude I will come around and become a better person. I'll have more empathy and will be able to build up relationships without fear.
So I have given up drinking for now. I know I should cut it out altogether for ever. I don't know I should not have a beer just like I know I can't look at anything like porn, softcore or harder. It difficult because of my loneliness here. Its been my choice to be this way. I won't stay alone for long tonight. I'll go to the gym and get out of the house for a few hours.
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Post by ferdberfil on Sept 11, 2007 17:56:08 GMT -5
Hi pac2544-
I just wanted to give you a word of encouragement here. No matter what else you do, keep seeing your therapist and I strongly, strongly encourage you to attend the group. PM me if you have any questions about it.
-FB
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 12, 2007 15:31:08 GMT -5
I'm feeling much better since I slipped last weekend. I know it was an avoidable occurance but it happened and I won't stay down because of it. In the past I would have continued on with my bingeing and felt worse and worse about my addiction until I came back to the board seeking help. At least I came here before I got back into my old habit in a big way. I look at that as a success story.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 13, 2007 15:42:44 GMT -5
Ok today. I came home and took a nap instead of going right on the computer as usual. I am sleeping well, I just flet like getting some extra zzz's. I have managed to stay away from beer since last Monday, which was golf night. I wanted to stop and get some after work but I think I need to go all the way sober to beat my porn addiction. One thing leads to another and booze pushed me over the edge last weekend.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the therapist and I will tell him of my slip. I have been okay since Sunday when I last slipped. But it was after church and I felt extra awful about it. He suggested group therapy and I may give that a try. I guess anything to get me involved with others is going to be helpful. Life has to be better than what I have been experiencing. I feel reluctant to get close to people. He also suggested I stop drinking because it would lower my resistance to a slip and he was right. So I have qut it for now.
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Post by heyyoutoo on Sept 13, 2007 16:41:36 GMT -5
hi
i just want to encourage you that you can overcome it all. step by step day by day. everyone of us using this forum is going through the same battle. and just to prop you up and let you know that you are not alone in this. you have people here who will encourage you until you make it. please don't lose heart, and even if it may all seem hard, just remember that you are well worth it. you are better than P.
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Post by pac2544 on Sept 14, 2007 5:30:51 GMT -5
This board has been so helpful to me. Without it I wouldn't have come so far. I realise what a mess I was and how much that has affected the people I am/was close to. I canot change the past. Its over, done. I can change who I am and what I choose to do or think.
Porn was such an ingrained habit I had that there wasn't a moment that I didn't think about sex or was trying to stimulate myself with it. Today I am much more in tune with my feelings. Sometimes I don't feel so good and that was when I used porn. Lately I have been taking better care of myself. No more beer every day. And definetly no more porn! Today is day 5 of what i hope is the sober stretch that is the permanent one.
I don't kid myself that I will never see porn again, but I hope I never actively seek it out. By that I mean that I may accidently see some. I still have a distance to travel before I don't have the urge to look. Each day it gets easier to stay away.
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