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Post by completelydone on Jun 27, 2006 8:36:55 GMT -5
This is my journal. It will be filled with my own personal thoughts, ideas, beliefs, opinions, theories, facts and emotions. All of which I have a perfect right to. This is my place for me to reflect and figure things out for myself. I am not particularly desiring counsel here, because it often turns into correction based on the responders beliefs and the fact that they feel the need to tell you how wrong you are. But if you really feel you have something to say that will help me, or encourage me on this hellish journey, you can. However, if I feel you are crossing boundaries with me here, I will ask you to no longer reply to me.
Why am I being so strict and seemingly snobbish here? Because I've seen how others have been treated in their journals here before and don't care to become the next to have to endure such treatment.
Take Care, CD
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Post by completelydone on Aug 27, 2007 22:45:18 GMT -5
Well, I got real far with this didn't I? I'm going to start. Where to start... what to say...... Not feeling very well tonight. That dull ache still haunts me every night. I hate the nights because of it. Oh, how I hate them. I want to crawl out of my skin and be someone else, anywhere else but here (with me, with him). The good news is I'm not where I was after d day. That was pure and utter anguish and hell on earth. The good news is my husband and I have come a long way. I've come a long way myself. He's come a long way himself. The bad news is I still hurt and can't figure out how to cure it. I'm sick, sick, sick of hurting. I wish I could stay busy all day and night and only collapse at night to sleep. But, I seem to get exhausted much more easily right now than should be normal. The other bad news is I can't trust my husband. That is VERY bad news. Why? It's been a long time since he quit using p. He's been so loving ever since. We've gone through little spells of growing closer and drifting a little apart and then yet closer... it's like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. And I really think that it's because of me and how uncomfortable I am with him, how untrusting. So I hide behind my walls for a while, then I get the courage to try at it some more and we get closer, then I just stagnate (or even draw back in a little)........ and on and on it goes. Ugh So, although it use to be that our closeness and togetherness was based upon what my husband felt comfortable with, now it seems that dynamic has turned the other way. I just wish I knew how to speed all this healing up so I can get on with life happily and healthy. Well, that's enough for tonight.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 28, 2007 5:17:03 GMT -5
Glad to see you've picked up your journal again, completelydone! Of course, I wish it was roses and daisies inside (so to speak) but I am glad you're here and writing about it. Wouldn't it be nice if they made an "advanced healing band-aid" for the soul? I smiled when I read your passage about "speeding up" the healing.
If you want to share...are you physically hurting (the dull ache you write about)...is there something you are facing physically right now? I read and re-read and I couldn't tell. I know emotional hurt (for me) can go all the way to physical malaise...and I came away with the sense that you're talking about emotional ache and loneliness...but I'm not sure that there isn't something physically wrong?
Either way, I continue to hold you in prayer, and to hold your husband in prayer as well. All good things to you today. I specifically asked for you this morning that you would have some moment of feeling re-connected to the world in a glowing, happy, healthy way...some bright moment that would shine out at the end of the day, and provide comfort as you went to sleep tonight. J
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Post by completelydone on Aug 29, 2007 22:49:15 GMT -5
Actually, when you wrote that, Mayberry, I was alright physically, but the next day I had neck and back flare ups and couldn't even work because of it. I had to rest all day so I could be up and going today. Winding down now though. Getting tired.
I meant emotional aching, pain. A pain that doesn't hurt so bad when you're busy during the day but attacks you at night when things calm down; and I feel anything but at peace usually. I feel aching inside. I feel great loss.
Thanks for the concern!
Take care, CD
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Post by completelydone on Aug 30, 2007 17:34:23 GMT -5
Today has been an OK day. Not too bad. I hope it lasts. There haven't been any fights or anything like that. There's been no porn use on either side. (modified to say: not that I ever worry about "slipping" myself anymore. It's been years. That was more of an attempt of humor with myself. I'm a goof.) I haven't felt completely walled off from my husband today, or even angry with him at any point. No triggers anywhere with anyone!
Well, I guess this has actually been a GREAT day!! And now my hubby is in the kitchen making fish and fruit and it smells good! He's such a good cook; can't wait to try it.
I've been reorganizing, cleaning, decorating, re-arranging furniture, etc. last night and today. Well, I told hubby where to put it and he helped me. Which is good too because it means my back is better!
Kids are sweet as usual. Birds are chirping. I actually feel somewhat peaceful today. Feels good.
Well, need to get ready for Karate and hubby just brought me some food.
Take care, CD
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 2, 2007 8:09:20 GMT -5
I bet that felt good! Just checking in with you to drop a cheery hello onto your journal. I hope this weekend is treating you and your family well! J
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Post by completelydone on Sept 3, 2007 10:55:17 GMT -5
I bet that felt good! Just checking in with you to drop a cheery hello onto your journal. I hope this weekend is treating you and your family well! J Yep, it did. And, yes, it has been a nice weekend. Thank you for asking.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 3, 2007 19:10:58 GMT -5
You're welcome. I'm glad to hear that you have had a nice weekend! J
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Post by completelydone on Sept 3, 2007 21:51:52 GMT -5
Thinking back to days when I use to use porn myself. Thinking back to what caused all of that in my life. Thinking back to men I cheated on with porn, not even believing it to be cheating myself, unless married. I loved some of them, yet if they would have known of my porn use, they would not have thought so. So, on one hand I know what it is like to be the PA who says, "but I do love them", and on the other the SO, who doesn't believe it from their actions. It is true that hurting people hurt people, yet hurting people do not have to hurt those around them. It is a choice. I have been hurt many times in my life, yet I did not cheat on my husband to relieve my pains. Yet on the other hand I once was in his place emotionally, mentally where I did anything I could to run from my pain. I read something today that LookingUp wrote in the "How do I Forgive" thread in the partners forum and it really made me think. Forgiveness is something I thought I have done, I have made that decision, yet I still do not entirely feel the results of that decision in my emotions. There are still days when I wonder if staying with him is a BIG mistake that I will one day greatly regret, and that fear, I believe holds me back from giving myself entirely back to this relationship. So what do I do? Just wait? Pray? Ask God what to do? If it's safe? I guess I should do all, and I have, but still the fear lingers, bruising my soul and closing off my heart to true release and forgiveness, Or maybe to true release and second chances. I do choose to forgive him whether I stay or whether I go, but the relationship depends entirely on what he does and says from now on. How long though until I can freely give and receive love without reserve? How long until trust takes root and fear goes? I wish I knew the answers. In my heart there is much sorrow that our relationship must be this way at all. I did not choose this, he did with his choices. Now, I wish I could make mine and feel secure that I made the right one. Meaning the one that will free me from this pain. I don't want any more pain. I just want love, peace, and happiness. Is it too much to ask in this fallen world? I don't think so, but sometimes I wonder. Oh, I hate feeling this way! So helpless, so insecure in my decisions, so unsafe. This is when I feel I hate him! I hate him for making me feel like I lose either way! For making me feel like life and relationships aren't worth the effort. I've been betrayed so many times. A part of me tells me I can never trust anyone because of this, and my husbands infidelity with porn whores just proves that all the more. (A man who I once trusted so much I would have died for him.) Every man on this board proves that all the more. What disgusts me is how many men do this to their wives. How many wives suffer needlessly, all in the name of "manliness". Relationships shouldn't be this hard! But then I know from the other side that these porn addicts are so often insecure, scared people running from life and love themselves. Oh, I understand my husband now. If I could only know I can trust him and I'm doing the right thing!? Yet I can't let fear run my life or I will be the next addict of whatever poison. "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCuGqIhUaJE
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Post by completelydone on Sept 5, 2007 23:01:50 GMT -5
*Warning- may be triggering to PA's- might really p*ss you off too if you read, so save yourself the time*
Really angry with men in general tonight. My husband just had to buy that new Larry the Cable Guy movie, "Delta Farce", I think it's called. Everyone he asked said it was a decent movie. I doubted it. He bought it. It's not decent. It's full of sexist jokes, making sexist, perverted, misogynistic men look normal and OK when they are anything but OK. I walked out when Larry talked the Latinos into waitressing in "Hooters" clothes. My husband fast forwarded, but at that point it was enough for me. At this point I wish I could be Rambo for one freaking day and kill every little perv that treats women with such disdain. Worthless pieces of skin taking up oxygen and leaching life and love out of this earth. NO, I wouldn't really kill them, but that's MY FANTASY when I see men acting that way, so deal with it!
All our lives, we women are set up to believe that our sexuality IS our worth. I know I certainly was set up to believe that. "How to get a man.", "How to please a man in bed.", "How to give him his fantasy.", "How to orgasm before he does.", "How to blow your man's mind." Those are the common headlines for articles in women's magazines. Hell, they aren't women's magazines. They magazines directed at feeding men's sexual frenzies. They don't teach women to respect themselves. They don't teach women that they should expect men to respect them. All it says is, "You're just a piece of azz in this world and you might as well get use to it and go with it, because that is all you are worth." Well, kiss my little white azz because my worth is in who I am, not how I look or what I can DO for my man! And if he wants to keep this precious woman and earn back her trust and love, he better keep doin' for me! Relationships are a two way street. I'm not his whore, his slave, his property, or his inferior. I don't have to tolerate any crap from him, or any man, and I won't!
Hostile? Yes, I believe I am and I have damn good reason for it!!! So, if anyone reading this is even remotely considering reprimanding me for feeling this way, you better back the you know what up! This is MY vent in MY journal! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it any more!
(modified to rant): I have been sexually harassed, put down, abused, raped, molested, cheated on by more than one husband, sexually assaulted, beat on, and betrayed by men all in the name of stroking their egos and fulfilling their perceived entitlements. I've only EVER known two truly good men in my life. And believe me, I have looked. For years I have looked. I have dated, befriended, and screwed more men in the first 23 years of my life than most women do in a lifetime. I don't regret treating any of them the same way they treat any woman, any day of the week they can get by with it!
I'm tired of being treated like a trophy wife (ex husband), piece of meat, eye candy, witless, brainless, worthless sex object and it's not right that men continue to get by with this crap!! I'm sick of sexual harassment, being mentally undressed by some ugly old pervert I wouldn't set up with my dog, listening to men talk about women like they're worth less than dirt........................
I try very hard not to hate men but they make that VERY hard with their piggish, barbaric behaviors! They talk about women as if they are brainless creatures with no value to them but as a relief valve, yet they are the ones who act like ignorant, dumbed down beasts. Not quite animals, yet not really human either. Selfish, loveless, cowardly, carnal, foolish, shallow, puppets of their fellow men. Disgusting, depraved, nasty, slimy, evil doers whose feet run to commit evil and who love to drag everyone else down with them into their pit. They congratulate each other on their depravity; are actually proud of themselves for it; believe it makes them manly when it makes them far from it.
I hate this world. I hate misogynists. I have no real hope for a bright future, for as long as there are men in it, it cannot possibly be bright!
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 6, 2007 5:41:23 GMT -5
That's a tough rant, but it seems a needed and good one for you. I'm glad you got that "stuff" said. There's some serious ill in the culture, isn't there? It's part of why I killed the TV 20 years ago...the "substance" was so serious flawed (in my opinion) by the "normal" ill health and ill focus to be found, at the least, in every commercial interlude, that I couldn't stand it anymore. The values I see there (on TV) have no resonance with the values I am working under and toward in my own life. Particularly in the portrayal of "what women are like." It gets under my skin too, and I'm sorry you were triggered but so glad you could "shout out." I hope today goes well for you. J
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Post by completelydone on Sept 6, 2007 17:07:47 GMT -5
Mayberry,
It was a tough rant wasn't it? I guess you could say that movie "triggered" me pretty hard. It suppose to be funny, but I'm sorry I don't find degradation of women funny; nor acceptable. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, but degradation isn't funny. If it would have been jokes about women being too chatty, or catty, or shop-aholics, or what have you, I could laugh at that. But men being crude, rude, perverts and treating women like sex objects is NOT funny. That has been my life, along with many other women's. GRRRRRRRRR.........................
So, anyway, believe me I've considered destroying the TV but my family would probably kill me because of boredom. So, we buy old TV series like "The Waltons" and watch those. We watch what few TV series there are on TV that are usually decent. (If not we erase it and that takes care of that). We carefully monitor the movies we watch and buy.
To my husbands credit he did turn off the movie when I walked out and told the kids it was inappropriate and wrong and why, and we wasted $20.00 on the stupid thing that none of us finished watching and will now be traded in at a used movie store more than likely.
Well, we're going on a little mini vacation this weekend, so I won't be around for a few days. I hope you have a nice weekend and I will try to do the same!
Take care, CD
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Post by completelydone on Sept 6, 2007 19:32:02 GMT -5
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Post by completelydone on Sept 6, 2007 19:39:57 GMT -5
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 6, 2007 19:41:26 GMT -5
Have a great trip!
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