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Post by completelydone on Oct 7, 2007 16:16:12 GMT -5
Thank you, sweet lady.
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Post by completelydone on Oct 14, 2007 9:13:53 GMT -5
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Post by completelydone on Oct 14, 2007 17:19:22 GMT -5
From www.pureintimacy.com Oh boy, is this ever true. I can clearly see how this worked in my life (although my trauma came from the outside not the inside of my family) and in my husbands. My family still expects me to do that. I'm not doing it any more though. My mother gets a kick I think out of with holding approval and making me feel like I'm not enough. She can do it with out me. My father wants me to sacrifice myself for the families sake; so we can all spend time together. This hurts me because I do want to spend time with him, but not her. In order to see him, I must see her. So, I will only do this on holidays. If Dad wants to see us, he will just have to come see us. Christians are also taught this. "I must be the sacrificial lamb and hold this marriage together at all costs to myself and (in some cases) our children's." That is soooo wrong on so many different levels. It is not biblical; yet it is taught. We are suppose to love ourselves too. How can we do that while tolerating abuse; sacrificing our souls on the alter of "love". Boy, this is my husband. He has violent outbursts over the silliest things. It's like he's on edge all the time and the slightest thing that annoys him (like at work for instance) he just goes off like a bomb. I've known there's something unresolved within him, but what? He says he's dealt with all his unresolved issues, but if so the rage should be gone, shouldn't it? I often feel anger too. Sometimes it's rage, but not like it was shortly after d day. I've never been so angry in my life than to be deceived, betrayed, cheated on for so long; while I trustingly went about my business and relationship with him. I wanted to rip his dang eyeballs out. There are still moments when I want to do him physical harm and I have to get away from him before I actually do it, but they seem few and far between when I'm that enraged now. Oh Lord, pain is an understatement. Agony, anguish more closely describe what I've been going through for so long with him over his broken promises, ignored commitments, and violations of trust. I've been through so much in my life and I thought this guy was one of the few decent people left in the world; someone I could really look up to and trust. I don't think he has any idea how hard it was for me to trust him to start with after my past; let alone how much harder it is now for me to even try to trust him. All my life I've just wanted to feel loved and safe with someone. I feel like such an idiot for ever trusting him; for letting anyone in my little world again. The pain has lessoned over time, but it just seems to linger on and on; slowly killing me inside. I thougt grieving was suppose to bring healing? It seems like I am moving so painfully slow through this grieving (recovery) process. I was stuck in shock and half hearted denial for the longest time (probably about a year). Then came the anger. Oh my God, then came the rage. Rage that was overwhelming. I'm don't think all the rage was about him though. It was like every crappy thing anyone had ever done to me suddenly pulsed through my body and mind and exploded out of every pore of my body. I was a walking ball of rage. I'm surprized I didn't die of a stroke during that time. And again, I suffered (and so did my husband- too bad) for about a year and a half. That is a long time to be enraged. I feel like I am so stuck in the pain. Like my heart is legs stuck in mud and the more I struggle to get out the more I sink. Oh yes, I get it. My husband gets this now too. You can't go around, you must go through. But, after all this time in pain, it gets really hard sometimes to not just find unhealthy ways to run from it. I'm so tired of it. I truly am. And thinking about how much I've hurt and how long just leads me back to anger and rage.............. at this very moment I feel the urge to beat the living crap out of my husband for putting me through all of this. I know this is speaking of family of origins, but this is not what I felt growing up at home. This is what I feel right now. Fear, fear, fear. I feel so unsafe and unsure of anything. I live my life wondering if this is the last day of my life as I know it? Will tommorrow be another d day that will push me to divorce? Am I wasting my life with this man. I know I've wasted so many years with him already; both the years I was unaware of his betrayals, and the years I've spent since in agony trying to rebuild this marriage and family. I hate him for that. I hate him for making me feel so unsafe. This is life right now for me. How can I possibly truly rebuild my marriage with him when I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I've had such a traumatic life that I spent most of my life looking to the horizon, expecting something bad to happen instead of something good. After being married to my husband for two years, I remember on our anniversary I got him a card and wrote him a long letter telling him how for the first time in my life since I was a very little girl, I felt safe. (Broke down crying after writing that). A few months later he started using porn I've found out. It seems I can't trust anyone. I try to and those that I do always betray my trust in the end. I feel so broken, so lost, so alone. Damn this need for human love. I hate it. Well, I guess that's a given. Well, my husband did what he did out of his feelings of inadequacy. And now because of what he did, I feel that way. I guess a part of me always has because of my mother, but then my father made me feel adequate at times and inadequate at others (inadequate because he couldn't understand why I was acting out so; was I stupid or what?) I've always tried to reject the notion some seemed to have of me that I was inadequate. I even went through a period of perfectoinism to prove I was adequate to myself. I think I wrestled it pretty good early on to the point where I accepted me and felt adequate (except to my mother). But after d day, all adequacy seems to have left me. Another thing I hate my husband for. I guess I haven't really come as far as I thought with forgiveness. I am willing to forgive him, yet the emotions still go toward anger and hatred when I think of how badly he has harmed me. I just want to turn him into a punching bag, and beat him in the head for a real long time. Whoa, that is my family life growing up. When I was real young (4 and under) my Mom gave me a lot of attention, but as soon as her much coveted boy was born, I no longer existed. I remember when my brother was a baby, asking her several times if she still loved me? She always said, "yes.", but it never felt the same again between us. In fact, over the years it's only grown worse. My father lavished me with a lot of love until about the time I was 12. Then his focus turned almost entirely onto my brother until I moved out at sixteen with my new born baby. Then suddenly I existed again because I wasn't there every day and he missed me. My father worked hard and his spare time was spent on my brother and his sports. Whatever time was left over was spent in front of the TV before bed. I remember from the age of 12 to 16 I lived in my own little world in my room. My mother still had no interest in me and my father had lost his. Looking at it all now writing it down, it's no wonder I wound up prego at 15. Between the emotional trauma of sexual abuse from a family friend, and ceasing to have a place of importance (and therefore love) in my family during that time, I was one desperate little girl to escape pain and feel loved. I guess that why I felt this way: Wow, that explains a lot to me about other women here. I didn't understand this behavior and now I do. This sounds like a lot of porn addicts. That helps me understand my own past sexual addictions as well as my husbands turn to porn. He felt I rejected him; porn became safe "relationships" for him. He told me he even fantasized sometimes about the women holding him; comforting him. I've lived most of my life in a depressed state. It seems that every time I would heal and climb out of depression, something bad would happen to send me right back in. I can see now looking back that I spent a good part of my childhood in depression. It wasn't severe depression, but pervasive, because I repressed my sexual trauma. It seems I've mostly lived on different levels of depression throughout my life, with just a few short bursts of happiness here and there. I often felt defective growing up. My mother always pronounced shame upon me for every mistake I made; even if I didn't know any better. She tried this on me again not that long ago. It was the final straw with her. "Shame on you...." That was her mantra. There was something fundamentally wrong with me, I thought. I figured if anyone could be kicked out of heaven once they got there; if I actually made it there, it would be me, because I was so flawed. I figured if anyone could screw up salvation it would be me. Of course the messages I heard at church just re-enforced this. My youth pastor actually had me believing that it was possible to be perfect and that many Christians where. AS IF! It was a blessing the day I gave up on trying to be perfect and quit hating myself for not being so. It was even better when God told me to quit asking myself what was wrong with me all the time. Oh, the good old days when I learned to love and accept myself and finally felt adequate. *thanks a lot hubby. You're so kind.* Wow, that makes sense. And out of that grows perfectionism. I guess that means even in this case. I must keep dealing or I can become an addict all over again. Good reminder of why I must go through to get to the other side.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 14, 2007 20:37:57 GMT -5
Wow. This is some hard stuff, isn't it? Your summary ("I must keep dealing or I can become an addict all over again") really speaks to me. I have not yet done the (hard, ugly, shameful) writing I suspect will come about some of my choices along the way to deal with "things" (my, what an innocuous word laden with so much freight!)....but it will come. DEALING. So many folks walking around NOT DEALING with their crap. How odd and vulnerable it is to be dealing with one's one crap. And yet, it is through that process of honestly looking at what is: naming, feeling, grieving...that one comes to HEALING. And that is what we want, eh? To be healed perfectly back to the divine?
Wonderful Counselor: I lift my friend CompletelyDone up to you tonight. I thank you for the gifts she brings to me and to others here, including her bravery in sharing and exploring areas in her own heart and life that are difficult, that are troubling, that are hard. I know you walk closely beside her, but I ask that you send special awareness of just how close you are to her right now, that you comfort and sustain her like the wise and wonderful friend that you are and that you help her *feel* how close you are to her. I ask particularly that you help her feel *joy* in your closeness. So often, Friend, we know in our heads that you are near us, but we cannot feel You beside us. At this time, I ask for a miracle of joy in my friend's life...I ask you to reach directly through some practical matter, some person-to-person interaction and remind her of the joy that you bring that can cut through sorrow, through anger, through the muddle and bring her JOYFULLY into your presence. I think of the words of the psalmist in Psalm 66:8-20:
Bless our God, O peoples! Give him a thunderous welcome! Didn't he set us on the road to life? Didn't he keep us out of the ditch? He trained us first, passed us like silver through refining fires, Brought us into hardscrabble country, pushed us to our very limit, Road-tested us inside and out, took us to hell and back; Finally he brought us to this well-watered place.
I'm bringing my prizes and presents to your house. I'm doing what I said I'd do, What I solemnly swore I'd do that day when I was in so much trouble: The choicest cuts of meat for the sacrificial meal; Even the fragrance of roasted lamb is like a meal! Or make it an ox garnished with goat meat!
All believers, come here and listen, let me tell you what God did for me. I called out to him with my mouth, my tongue shaped the sounds of music. If I had been cozy with evil, the Lord would never have listened. But he most surely did listen, he came on the double when he heard my prayer. Blessed be God: he didn't turn a deaf ear, he stayed with me, loyal in his love.
Most wonderful Friend, you will be there "on the double" when my friend calls on you. You are loyal in your love. As my friend walks through the refining fire, I ask you to remind her how close you are; how very much you love her. And I thank you, because I know you will do this, because you are love, and the originator of love, and more and beyond my understanding of love. Amen.
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Post by completelydone on Oct 15, 2007 7:01:44 GMT -5
Mayberry,
Thank you for your prayer and verses. I really appreciate them.
It's funny how all of this seems to be bringing up things with my parents (in particular my mother) that I've never dealt with before. I don't know if it's because the feelings involved in both instances are similar or what; feelings like shame, abandonment, inadequacy, loneliness. I've never looked at the feelings my parents caused me growing up. I always took all the blame for everything I ever did on me. I'm a big believer in taking personal responsibility for ones self, but suddenly it's like I keep seeing these things; remembering old things with my family and how they made me feel. Maybe God is leading me through this so I can get some healing out of both my childhood and my marriage. It's seems that my husband has touched some very deep wounds within me. Wounds that I have not even payed attention to. I guess when I forgave my parents growing up I forgot, or didn't see that I should deal with the affects it all had on me. But I don't think I realized the affects were so deep. And you know, it's not as if my parents were horrible people. I would not classify them as what I would consider abusive. My mother had good qualities that were helpful to me growing up as well, but I didn't realize until recently how hurtful she was to me in the weaknesses that she had. My father I've always seen as a saint, but here recently I've realized and seen some shortcomings in him; something that I wouldn't want to admit to myself. Why? Is it because he's always seemed like the one safe place here on earth, and if he weren't perfect I couldn't bare it?
I feel almost like I'm betraying my parents for feeling this way about them right now. Why? I don't understand that. I'm being honest with myself. I don't like these feelings that have come up, but since they are "up" I feel I should deal with them. I've obviously had some deep seated wounds re-opened through this experience with my husband. So, why shouldn't I try to heal both at once? Lord, please heal me. Please guide me through all of this and bring me out the other side whole, in Jesus name I pray.
Anyway, this has been a very hard time for me in my life these past few years. I'm suddenly seeing things that either I didn't want to see or didn't see. I'm feeling things and remembering things from the past. I'm having a hard time getting over the present. So, I thank you for your prayers, and your kind words of comfort and support.
CD
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 16, 2007 6:12:43 GMT -5
Believe me, I *really really really* understand this. I am also a "I'll take responsibility for how I am" kind of person. That said, there is pain and hurt that I have accepted in my adult life that is directly based on pain and hurt that I was "taught" as a child to see as "normal." Doing the work of sorting out the difference between the two has been very important for me in understanding better who I am in the present, where I am still unhealthy in the present, and also important to moving toward healing in the present and, most importantly to me personally, avoiding falling into unhealthy behavior in the future.
I am proud of you for revisiting childhood places that are painful, awkward (or even "taboo"? they often bring up feelings in me that I shouldn't look to past pain of what others did wrong, but focus on MY wrongs....but I've come to accept that it's okay to revisit these places with the aim of healing, not shaming or blaming someone else....)....I walk nearby and hold you in my thoughts and prayers. J
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Post by completelydone on Oct 23, 2007 21:22:45 GMT -5
Wow, skip a few days journaling here and you're off in nowhere land on page 20. OK, maybe not page 20, but close enough. Wait, have to go put pie in oven....... OK, I'm back. The past few days I have been thinking about how much better it has been for me concerning my marriage. I think I've made a lot of progress in my own recovery from this: I don't really get angry much with him anymore over the infidelity with p. I don't feel the need to remind him often of how much that hurt me. Something I did a lot in the beggining of recovery because I think it made me feel some small sense of control and security in my life. It was false however, because if my husband didn't want to quit the porn and/or didn't want me, it would not have kept me safe at all. I wanted him to "get it" however, because I thought if he did it would cause him to grow empathy in his heart for me and regret for what he did to me. I've learned since that he quit using porn because of these reasons; along with finally understanding that I really do love him, apart from my efforts to make him feel the hurt he caused me. I no longer punish him for what he did. I've since seen that is what I did to him for a long time after d-day. He deserved every bit of it and more, so I'm not saying I shouldn't have done it. They deserve consequences for what they've done so maybe they'll learn they can't just do whatever they want in life and get by with it. What I'm saying is I'm realizing that there are a lot of similarities in how SO's handle this trauma and why. So, I'm acknowledging that I did make him suffer a lot for a long time, subconsciously in hopes that it would make him never want to go through it again and therefore avoid porn forever. Once I realized this is what I was doing, I quit because I didn't want him to not use porn because he wanted to avoid my wrath and shaming him. I wanted him to decide on his own that he wanted me and only me; otherwise I didn't want him. It was actually my shrink that helped me see that I was punishing him in hopes it wouldn't be worth it to him to watch p again. I no longer obsessively look for p to see if he is involved in it anymore. I do occasionally look and I do keep my whits about me and my inner radar tuned, but I'm not obsessive about it any more. I don't want to hide my head in the sand because I really do not want to be with an unfaithful spouse, so if he cheats again I want to know so he can make preparations to leave, or I can; I'd actually like to move back home if I found this out probably. I don't particularly like it here. It's alright, but it's not home. I'm not in agony anymore. Most of the agony came from not feeling enough for him, disbelief that this could be happening again in this marriage (but p infidelity instead of physical), and the betrayal of him leading me to believe I had a life and relationship with him that I didn't. A huge part of it was that I never expected this from my husband. I really, really thought of him as different than this. If anyone would ever have asked me what sins my husband would be capable of, this would not have hit my radar at all. So, the shock and self doubt in my judgment was awful for a while too. I just kept wanting to wake myself up because I must be dreaming that this was happening to me and that I had been living a lie with him. All the memories of our lives together; of our family as a unit together were suddenly tainted and not genuine to me anymore knowing what he was doing behind my back. What a prank. The joke was on me. I lived with, slept with, slept beside an enemy and I didn't even know it. My best friend was my betrayer. Anyway, the hurt has lessoned over time. I don't feel it near as often, nor near as deep as I use to; although going back over this is bringing up some painful emotions right now. I'm not physically hurting myself anymore, or having suicidal tendencies. This was early on after d day during my deep depression period; when I felt hopeless to ever have a good life or true love. I'm not hating me anymore. In the beginning I was blaming me for why he used porn. What was wrong with me? And although intellectually I knew it wasn't me, part of me still felt that way. What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why do I have a habit of being in relationships with men who cheat on me? I always before knew it hadn't anything to do with me, but with them, so why all the sudden did I feel it must be me? Because it happened so many times now. Maybe I was overlooking some huge fault within me? Was it sex? No, I love sex too much and I know what I'm doing in that department. Was it a flaw in my character? No, I'm a moral person. Was it my personality? No, I have my faults as everyone does but nothing on a magnitude that would run him off to p whores. Did we get along? Better than most. So was it how I looked? I must be ugly I thought. I am getting older, but everyone thinks I'm much younger than he. I have gained weight, but not so much that I'm not attractive; or am I not attractive? I do have stretch marks, but that comes with kids and I had those when we married; didn't bother him then. I'm not sagging anywhere. Damn him! It's not fair. Why can't I be enough for him. Obviously he's not attracted to me anymore, but why would he think so little of me that he would go elsewhere? That's not love. He doesn't look the same either; gained weight, balding (which I don't like), crows feet, white hairs coming in everywhere, hair growing out his nose that needs to be clipped often (yuck). And I'm not looking elsewhere because I LOVE him and I made a promise to him. I won't forsake that! So what is it about me that is so horrible that he doesn't feel the same about me? Haven't I been good to him? Haven't I been open hearted with him? Haven't I shown him love? Agonizing pain to love someone so much and to believe they love you the same only to find out they've forced you to live a lie while betraying your vows repeatedly. Eventually through many talks I learned it wasn't about me but his insecurities in himself, but man those were hard years. Sex has gotten so much better. For a long time after d day I wanted to hide from him. I wanted to cry every time we did have sex, so I just quit having it with him much for a while. But as time has gone by and wounds are healing and intimacy is being rebuilt, it has become one of life's greatest pleasures again. Trust, the big trust issue. Openness to him. Those are the big issues now. Daring to get close and trying not to keep him at a distance is very hard for me. But this helps writing this all down to remind myself of how far I've come; how far we've come together. I'm looking forward to the day when I can let my guard down and relax.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 26, 2007 5:41:00 GMT -5
How's it going with you, CD? Just sending you love and prayers from (very foggy this morning) Indiana. J
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Post by completelydone on Oct 27, 2007 2:48:14 GMT -5
Jinn, You are an angel, my dear. Things are going better. I just wrote about all that to remind myself; we have to do that sometimes when we are feeling discouraged, or at least I do. You know, what bothers me right now is a need a very intimate friend. I use to have one ya know. I accepted her, with all her shortcomings, past, and faults; and she, me. I really just feel the need to pour everything out so I can get this all out. You know tonight hubby and I went out with a new acquaintance that we were hoping to make a friend with. Do you know how hard it is to find a friend that isn't sexually perverted or hasn't been at some point in their life in this culture? Well, tonight I realized I'm dreaming a very lonely dream if I hold out for someone(s) to befriend that don't (and who never have had) sexual dysfunctions/perversion. It is so rampant today. Heck, I use to be one of them. Anyway, I just don't like to talk about it and be reminded of it; it brings pain to me (and anger), when people bring up perverted sexual subjects; like "gentleman's clubs" AKA strip joints; whore bars. There once was a day when by some I was being coerced into becoming a stripper. I went, I watched, I saw how the men acted, I refused it. It was disturbing; sick. (Even though I use to watch porn.) Anyway, I don't even know how to voice how I feel tonight, except sad, hurt by a society in which women are vaginae and men think they are superior to women when in reality they are cowards. I feel lonely and isolated because every time I try to make friends I seem to cross paths with sexual perverts, or ex ones that want to talk about it all the time. So, what am I to do? I guess just accept that that is the way life is now? I don't know. I'm feeling confused at the moment. Maybe I will think more clearly in the morning. I'm very tired tonight. Thank you Mayberry for asking. CD
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Post by completelydone on Nov 1, 2007 9:13:27 GMT -5
The following is a post made by Zerotolerance on another thread. I'm putting it here because it is a reminder of everything I've been through and how I came out of it.
Yeah, that's pretty sad. I know the feelings well. We get as turned around as ya'll do in discerning what is important. My guess is she feels unreal now. At first, p didn't bother me, in part, because I knew they were fake, and I was real. I know they couldn't provide what I could because they were fake, p was fake, and I was real. Flat images are not a threat to a real woman. Then at some point watching my h choose them over and over, they become real, and I became the fake, the substitute, the not real. When the smoke cleared I finally realized that the TRUTH IS, I am real, and they are ALL real too. And we are all REAL women, REALLY being used by a bunch of pornified men.
I didn't feel attractive anymore. I didn't put value on non appearance things anymore. I was as objectified to myself as I was to any phead, and maybe more objectified actually. We start to see ourselves through what is actually a filter very similar to the one guys develop imo. And through that image only filter we know we don't messure up. So how could you possibly find us attractive. If we're so attractive why do our men always have thier heads in someone elses stuff? It sure doesn't make us feel very attractive.
She's reduced herself to her physical appearance. Which make sense since that is what p reduces all women too. That's what ya'lls filters reduce her too.
I don't really know how I came out of it. It was so many things, but it was also just one thing. I realized that I am exactly how God made me. And he made me beautiful in his image. I realized that my view of myself had become as messed up as my h's view of all women. I realized that my value comes from the love in my soul, not my outward appearance, not my breasts, or body shape, nor how good or bad I'd look laid out like p.
Your wife is reduced to a shell of woman. Opposite of the shell of the man you reduced yourself to. She has to realize that SHE is not her body. And our true attractiveness doesn't come from our outward appearances. We have to get back to the truth that Beauty is only skin deep. And if our bodies are our only beauty then that's only because men are messed up, not us.
We develop a form of body image dysmorphia imo. Yesterday, drphil had women struggling with body image issues. One girl drew a picture of how she viewed herself. She drew what a real woman looks like imo. Whereas her opjective was to look FLAT like p, curveless, or an unnatural curviness. Her self drawing looked exactly like the shape of real women. This was a beautiful young girl who thinks there is too much fat on her thighs and abdomen because she just can't acheive that airbrushed look we're fed as normalcy. This is about way more than messed up men now. It's clearly messing up womens images of ourselves too.
Your wife will have to rebuild her self esteem. She'll have to rediscover that her body is not the only thing that makes her attractive, and the ugliest people come in the prettiest packages sometimes. But it is far better to be REAL through and through than it is to be pretty by todays p culture standards. There's nothing attractive about a women displaying herself like p whatsoever. And there's nothing attractive about the men who use them that way either. That's the truth she has to learn again. She's believing in the lies you taught her, that she's obviously not enough, and men need more, men need young women their whole lives, blah blah blah p lies. She needs to flip it to where she is more than enough again, and to where it is YOUR BEHAVIOR that was the only not good enough ever in it. It's hard, it's subtle. It comes from within us, and from God.
It might help if ya'll talk about the things you like about each other sometimes. You should offer sincere compliments, but don't just offer them to offer them, those won't work. They have to be sincere. They don't have to be about appearance.
She needs to know those women were only lifeles bodies, not important people to you. (although every person is important, and that's what makes p bad). I know you don't care about them whatsoever or you couldn't have used them that way. But that's hard to see when we are full of p images, and thoughts of ya'll sexually using those young women, while rejecting our love and damaging our relationships. It's really hard to feel like someone who supposedly loves you, would lie, and cheat, like this. That's not love whatsoever. So she's wondering what you really feel for her, because she knows your behavior has been anything but loving. And you were soo attracted to her, why seek out so many other women? I know it's becuase of the p, and it's effects on your sexuality. But she doesn't understand that yet. She probably can't see through the pain yet. She's has to "depersonalize" it, or maybe that's compartmentalize it, like ya'll do with the p. Only for us that is a foreign concept because it is soo unnatural. We have to do it though, detach to understand, objectify ourselves to understand, compartmentalize it to sort it out, then we can recognize how messed up it is, ya'll are, not us, and then we can return to our natural connectedness whole state with more compassion and understanding about how these things happen. It's a journey to hades and back to the future, basically.
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 8, 2007 6:44:02 GMT -5
I will pray that you find such a friend/God leads you to her. I know how grateful I am to have found such a friend in my dear neighbor...I believe that, if you pray for a healthy friend...a good match for you and for her...God will provide. My thoughts are with you this morning, and my prayers are with you every day. J
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Post by completelydone on Nov 11, 2007 23:22:51 GMT -5
Thanks J! Tonight I have been thinking about the walls between my husband and I. We seem to have this little dance with each other. Three steps forward, two steps back; three steps forward, two steps back. I think it is mostly me, but the past few days I've wondered if he is also pulling away a bit. That bothers me. I know it must be hard for him to stay with it not knowing what the outcome might be, but I'm in the same place. Actually a worse place because of his lack of trustworthiness in the past; thus the wall dance. I think he is afraid I will leave. I'm afraid he will use porn again and all this will have been for nothing. But, I have been able to trust him a little more lately, so I've also wanted to feel a little closer to him and lower those walls a bit. I've felt "resistance" from him, I think. So, now I feel confused and a little worried over what is going on between us. Thus far he has done nothing but chase me, and now that I am a fairly willing to be caught, he seems to be pulling back a bit. Strange. I need to talk to him about this. Good night, CD
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 13, 2007 14:36:20 GMT -5
An interesting post about "walls", CD. I wrote to someone in the past month or so about what a strange new country this journey toward togetherness feels. While both my husband and I are thinking, feeling, breathing adults, we are--alas--completely at sea when it comes to what it means to recover from the effects of his betrayal and my reactions to his betrayal. We don't know how to have a relationship without the old walls being in place (now that the old walls aren't in place). We don't know how to move through the rubble of the old walls gracefully and, some days, I suspect we're both worried about how painful/hard/graceless it may be negotiating the rubble toward the land of sexual intimacy.
For myself, I think this may be one of those situations where I will give up and wade in as best I can, knowing that it might be hard/painful/graceless, but that there's no other way to reach the "promised land" of true marriage on the other side of what were--when he was using/acting out--insurmountable walls but now, through the grace of God and action, are piles of rubble.
Did you talk to your husband? How did it go?
Wishing you well, and sending affection and prayer to you today. J
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Post by completelydone on Nov 13, 2007 19:21:47 GMT -5
While both my husband and I are thinking, feeling, breathing adults, we are--alas--completely at sea when it comes to what it means to recover from the effects of his betrayal and my reactions to his betrayal. I know the feeling. I've always felt through this like I was in a row boat just a few hundred yards off shore with no paddle and a small hole in the bottom of the boat. Would I reach land before drowning? I think we finally have reached that land, but we've been at sea so long we've still got sea legs. Amazingly, my husband has been wonderful at taking down his walls. He felt it was the only way for him to recover and to help heal me; us. I think he was right. After all I endured from him emotionally, if he would have remained aloof, I wouldn't still be here. However, it's not been the same for him because I've had very high walls that I only peeked around occasionally until this past 11 months. In January I wanted to file for divorce, but after a very long talk and Mr. CD clarifying and explaining better a lot of things to me, I was suddenly able to see things differently and forgive him. Since then has been this slow waltz toward each other (me returning the love to him really, he's been showing it ever since he talked me out of throwing him out in 2004. You're right, of course. We must will ourselves forward in spite of our fears. I find it amazing that you can do this already. At this point for me and hubby after d day I was raging at him furiously at this point. One minute I'd be vacuuming, and the next jumping down his throat for what he did to me; screaming, cussing................. It got really nasty many times. What did he do? He would throw his arms around me and hug me and tell me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. I don't know how he's stayed so strong for so long, but what he did (what he has consistently done) has kept us together and moving forward. Even when other's would tell him they wouldn't put up with my raging, he would tell them it was his fault and he would take whatever came for as long as he needed to. And he has. Eventually my rages stopped and depression took over, but Mr. CD has loved me through it all unswervingly, tenderly, and patiently. Yes, and he assured me that I was mistaken and he's only been mentally side tracked with some issues the past few days (nothing porn related). So, I feel better now. Thanks for asking. Ditto, CD
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 14, 2007 7:28:00 GMT -5
Glad to hear you're feeling better. *Always* glad to hear that. I read your post last night, but didn't have the energy to reply. Now, I'm running out of time before work. So I'll keep it simple: glad to hear you talked with your husband, and glad to hear that you're feeling better in response. J
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