completelydone with porn

[completelydone]

At work I've been having a lot of anxiety lately. My husband and I do contract work for another large company and at that account I often struggle with sexual harassment. It's really been getting to me lately, because it is constant. There are always new "recruits" in training there (a large turn over) and it is mostly men. So, every day that I go to work I face the possibility of sexual harassment, and almost every day it does happen; some times it's worse than others. This is reminding me of Junior High and High School. It's bringing back a lot of old feelings and deep seated anger. In school it got to the point that I just didn't want to go anymore because it.

So, now, I don't know what to do. Quiting that account is not an option. I wouldn't allow a bunch of dumb brutes run me off anyway, but this situation is wearing on me pretty hard. Plus, I just realized how dangerous this situation could be for me as a woman.............................................. (more later)

[completelydone]

Well, I don't really know what the answer is to this problem, or even why I'm writing it here except that I just need to vent it out.

I've thought about telling, but I know from experience in High School how that works out. In an enviroment where there are only men around, and no female witnesses, you can bet that the guys will hang together and deny it till the bitter end. Then they'll try to intimidate you for having the nerve to tell on them, and make like they're the victims in the situation because you snitched to try to get some freakin' peace in your every day life.

Usually, it's just long gawking, even if I stare them down. Somehow I don't think they even notice me getting angry with them because they aren't looking at my face when I'm walking toward them. I do consider that harrassment when guys are undressing you with their eyes. I only have one way I can go to get to the restroom and it seems like the longest walk in the world with the gawking eyes the whole way. It is also very intimidating to have a group of men stop talking to each other and all turn and gawk at you. It makes me feel like prey. I've seriously considered having some shirts made that say, "Quit staring, I'm not here for your amusement.", or something like that.

There have been a few times, though that it was far beyond gawking. Once I had a guy tell me he thought it should be company policy for all employees to go shirtless. Gee, wonder why he said that to me?

Another time, which scared me, a very large man in a room of many men called everyone's attention to the "nice piece of a@*", walking by. I found an exit real quick, while hoping I wasn't being followed by a mob of horny, perverted men.

And then last Friday after this guy gawked at me all the way to the door, he tried to talk to me and I ignored him while giving him a dirty look. Later, while trying to go upstairs he was about to pass me while going down. He actually blocked my way to try to intimidate me. He had a lot of balls. If he had tried something his big butt would have been tumbling down some stairs. I'm glad he didn't though. I rolled my eyes at him, turned sideways and pushed him out of the way as I passed. Unbelievable to me that he did that, and right in front of someone who was behind him.

So, I do feel threatened being a woman working there often. I don't like that. I've considered getting my husband involved more than once, but I know his temper. I know he would hurt some people really badly and we could lose this account. So, I haven't relayed to him........... I don't think he gets how much this bothers and worries me. He knows some things have happened after the fact but I don't like to point people out 'cause I don't know if he'll control his temper.

I have asked him the past few days to walk me to the door. That helps. They don't gawk then because my husband is a very large, muscular, intimidating looking man. It's sad though that I must have him walk me to the dang bathroom just to be safe. CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

It's especially intimidating because I know a big majority of these men are PA's. And it's a fact that most rapists, and all serial killers are PA's. It's a fact that PA's are the ones who most often sexually harrass people. Therefore, I understand why this happens so much there, but understanding doesn't make me feel safer; only more worried. I take Karate, but I don't want to have to use it to defend myself against people who outweigh me by a hudred pounds or more, and who are often a foot taller than me.

I think I'm gonna buy some pepper spray.

[Mayberry]

Good golly, friend!!! I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. How long will it go on (what I mean is: is there an end to the contract or account in sight???)? Are you sure you don't want to share what you're feeling with your husband? I can understand why you would hesitate, given what you've written....and I also hope you'll forgive me for saying that he's responsible for keeping a handle on his own temper. I will pray that the right way to handle this becomes very clear in your head (and your husband's head too, if you choose to involve him more in dealing with the harassment). The t-shirts sound like a swell idea. I suspect you could open a thread on the board asking for suggestions for phrases and have a booming business going in t-shirts in a matter of days!

Hang in there. I don't like reading about this, not one bit. J

[completelydone]

I'm thinking about talking to some other women there and asking them if they've encountered the same things. If so, then we could get a meeting on it I suppose to bring the problem to the attention of some authority figures.

I realized re-reading my posts that it sounds ridiculous that I could know that a lot of these guys are porn heads, but we do. We know that because they often leave behind their stashes. I guess it doesn't matter to say that they are truck drivers. When they leave one truck for another one, they often leave their smut behind. That is also how I sometimes stumble upon their porn while I'm working. Not thrilled about that.

Do I see this account ending soon? No, I hope not. It's wonderful pay. It's a good company. They made their employees (mechanics, etc.) take down their porn or be fired not long ago. My husband and I actually did a jig over that! lol

But, unfortunately, they can't regulate what the truckers leave behind.
So, I must find some other solution.

So glad to see you back, Mayberry. Thank you for all your prayers, guidance, and love.

CD

[completelydone]

You know, the only thing I wish I would have done sooner in my marriage was make a stand sooner. I don't mean over the porn, because I didn't know about it. I mean over all the things that the porn caused between us. I didn't know what was wrong with my husband, what he felt was wrong with me, why our relationship was steadily on the decline year after year, but I could have brought it all to a head sooner. Why didn't I? I was so miserable. Oh, I suppose it was because I thought as long as he was faithful, everything else could be worked out with time.......... but with time, everything else grew worse instead. I also tolerated more than I should instead of demanding some sort of resolve because I'd been divorced before and I didn't want another marriage to end. It's embarrassing, hurtful, depressive, a real pain. Having to start all over didn't sound to appealing to me, so I thought I'd try to work through what I had. The problem was only I was trying to work through it. I was chasing my tail. I might as well have been in a relationship with an ashtray for all the good my efforts to heal my relationship did. He was non-communicative, indifferent, cold, distant, impossible! I tried everything I could think of. I tried being open and honest with him about what bothered me in our relationship. Talking didn't work, so I tried writing him heart felt letters. I tried pulling out of him what was wrong that he didn't want to be close to me. I tried reading books, tried to get him to read books. I tried dedicating songs to him that explained the pain of disconnection I felt from him. Eventually, I just stopped talking, or trying. I shut down emotionally myself....... or at least I tried to. I tried numbing my emotions with video games, reading, the kids, whatever. I prayed and put it in God's hands. But, while I waited for some sort of break through, some intervention in my husband's heart from God, I died inside. I should never have done that. All I had to do was force the issue of dealing with our issues or divorcing and it all could have been healed sooner. Who knows, we might have even avoided his start with porn.

I was too patient, not assertive enough................ I didn't put any boundaries in place. Instead I tried reach him for years. I was just talking to myself. And I was wrong, he wasn't faithful. The very thing I was holding on to as hope, was false.

Ultimatums and tough love definitely have their place. I believe if I would have separated from him early on, it would have forced the issue to either break or heal. Either way would have been easier then the last 10 years of our lives together. I've learned my lesson. I won't do it again.

[completelydone]

bumping to find later.

[completelydone]

Oh crappy day,
What a crappy, crappy day................ hmmm... hmmmm....

Today hasn't been a good emotional day. I find myself recycling through a lot of anger over what my husband did. Why now? Why at this point do I feel so angry again? Was there something that set if off, and if so, what?

I don't know. I think I'm just offended with this crap in general. Men offend me in general. I mean what gives them the right to exist anyway?

Seriously, I am offended at how many married men abuse their wives in this way. I'm offended in the fact that men are so sexually abusive in so many ways. Making someone believe that you love them, and you are faithful, and can be trusted while being a low life liar and manipulator is disgusting behavior; or as I put it earlier to my husband- a low down, dirty, rotten thing to do to a person. Cold hearted! It's all so cold hearted. What kind of a human being does such things, anyway? Low down, dirty, rotten, cold hearted, I guess. Evil I would say too. My husband evil? Yes, he was. To willingly do this to a person is evil. I don't care that it's an "addiction", it's still willing behavior. They can and do stop at whatever point they choose.

As for my husband, he stopped when I used his own selfishness against him. He didn't stop because he was hurting me, disrespecting me, abusing me. He stopped because it was going to hurt him more to lose me than to lose his precious porn whores.

BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so freakin' pissed tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mayberry]

Sorry to hear you're finding yourself in an angry place. I would be very interested in your sharing more about this, in particular:

"I find myself recycling through a lot of anger over what my husband did. Why now? Why at this point do I feel so angry again? Was there something that set if off, and if so, what?"

I am trying to understand my own anger-recycling program ( ) and, if you find answers to these questions for you, I'd be interested in reading them (for me!) to see if they resonate or prompt any deeper clarity in thinking for myself.

I'm wishing you well, and I hope you have a more peaceful day today. J

[completelydone]

You know, Mayberry, I think I'm just mad at the whole thing; both with my marriage and societies attitude and abusiveness toward women. I'm angry with being abused by so many men in general, and in my personal life thus far. But, I've read that with grief it can cycle like this. You think you're over it and boom, your recycling through one or more of the stages again. I thought my anger stage (which was long for me) was over. So, I'm a little shocked that it's back (but not nearly as severe as the first go around).

Lots of snow here today. Makes for good Christmas spirits! I know my son will be out there sledding just as soon as I allow him.

Lots of love to you Mayberry. Merry Christmas! I'll be praying for you today!
CD

[Mayberry]

Wishing you and your household a very Happy Christmas, friend! I continue to hold you in thought and prayer.