Post by completelydone on Sept 10, 2007 19:02:25 GMT -5
This weekend I went back to hometown area to visit family and friends, although not my mother (the sow).
lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=Partners&action=display&thread=1189053607
It was a nice trip even though it rained a lot. I got to see my grandpa who is 77. He's old enough now that I know he could pass away any day. His wife, my grandmother, already did a couple years ago now and I miss her a lot. I just doesn't seem right that people should die. It doesn't seem right that they can be and cease to exist either, which is why I don't understand the perspective of those who don't believe in God or the afterlife. There's just something in each of us (I believe) that tells us this isn't the case. No one and nothing just ceases to exist entirely once it is. Anyway, I have two grandparents left and I am dreading their deaths. They are both very dear to me, and I to them (and that is a very nice thing to have in your life). My consolation is I know someday I will see all my family again in heaven and we will never part again.
This weekend I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that no one is safe; meaning can't entirely be trusted. It is just a fact of life. If we want love we must risk. Something that not too long ago I was not willing to do because my pain over my husbands porn use was just too intense. It's the kind of pain that makes you feel like you could die; make you wish you would. It's the kind of pain you feel like you will never possibly recover from, let alone be able to move on and repair the relationship between you and the one who inflicted such anguishing pain upon you.
But there I was, realizing that my husband has done everything he can to make amends with me. He continues every day in the face of fear that I could, or might, decide that day, in spite of all he has done and said, to walk out on him. It is a realistic fear of his too, for I have often considered doing just that in spite of all he has done. Not because I want to hurt him, or don't see what he is/has been doing, but because I find it very difficult still to trust him, or even imagine ever being able to. Trust and respect are the rock foundations of every relationship and without them you have nothing solid; nothing to build on, nothing that will sustain long term.
However, I have very much fallen back in love with my husband. I think it would be hard not to after all he has done to try to win me back and prove I am enough and forever will be enough for him. Now the problem is in throwing myself back in there with him. I fear doing that only to be trampled again someday down the road; only to go through all the heartbreaking, mind twisting, emotional overload and torture again! Yet I know, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So, this weekend I have been thinking about my options........................... I'll be right back.
lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=Partners&action=display&thread=1189053607
It was a nice trip even though it rained a lot. I got to see my grandpa who is 77. He's old enough now that I know he could pass away any day. His wife, my grandmother, already did a couple years ago now and I miss her a lot. I just doesn't seem right that people should die. It doesn't seem right that they can be and cease to exist either, which is why I don't understand the perspective of those who don't believe in God or the afterlife. There's just something in each of us (I believe) that tells us this isn't the case. No one and nothing just ceases to exist entirely once it is. Anyway, I have two grandparents left and I am dreading their deaths. They are both very dear to me, and I to them (and that is a very nice thing to have in your life). My consolation is I know someday I will see all my family again in heaven and we will never part again.
This weekend I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that no one is safe; meaning can't entirely be trusted. It is just a fact of life. If we want love we must risk. Something that not too long ago I was not willing to do because my pain over my husbands porn use was just too intense. It's the kind of pain that makes you feel like you could die; make you wish you would. It's the kind of pain you feel like you will never possibly recover from, let alone be able to move on and repair the relationship between you and the one who inflicted such anguishing pain upon you.
But there I was, realizing that my husband has done everything he can to make amends with me. He continues every day in the face of fear that I could, or might, decide that day, in spite of all he has done and said, to walk out on him. It is a realistic fear of his too, for I have often considered doing just that in spite of all he has done. Not because I want to hurt him, or don't see what he is/has been doing, but because I find it very difficult still to trust him, or even imagine ever being able to. Trust and respect are the rock foundations of every relationship and without them you have nothing solid; nothing to build on, nothing that will sustain long term.
However, I have very much fallen back in love with my husband. I think it would be hard not to after all he has done to try to win me back and prove I am enough and forever will be enough for him. Now the problem is in throwing myself back in there with him. I fear doing that only to be trampled again someday down the road; only to go through all the heartbreaking, mind twisting, emotional overload and torture again! Yet I know, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So, this weekend I have been thinking about my options........................... I'll be right back.