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Post by completelydone on Sept 19, 2007 8:13:35 GMT -5
CD, Just wanted to thank you for stopping in my journal. CL You're welcome CL. Thanks for stopping by in mine. Take care!!
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Post by completelydone on Sept 19, 2007 23:54:14 GMT -5
Tonight I'm having to remind myself of why addicts become addicts, so as not to take it personally. I went back and read an article on www.pureintimacy.comIt talks about how all addictions have their base in unresolved family trauma. I think it can be hard for us to grasp how much our family can affect us. I found this quote to be very accurate concerning both my husband and myself with our own past addictions: In my own life this was true, not about my immediate family so much as it was about being molested. I did not face my trauma, instead I tried to forget it. I did not work through my issues because I didn't face my trauma and part of why I didn't was because I didn't know how to work through it. I thought leaving it in the past was working through it. So, as a result, I did not grieve it, and I did not heal. Life went OK for a few years and then I saw an Oprah show, of all things, talking about children being molested and how it effects them. I was 12. For the first time I knew what happened to me. I had a word to call it- molestation. I found out I wasn't alone in such a thing happening to me. That show opened a gate of emotions in my soul that began to flood out. Sadly, I did not put the two (the revelation the show gave me and the emotional trauma resurfacing) together because those emotions did not immediately resurface during that show. Suddenly I began to have bouts of depression, anguish, and anger. I didn't know why. I hurt so deeply and didn't know what it was or what to do with it; never the less how to heal it. I was use to holding my emotions inside, so as not to be weak. This I was taught by my father. Suddenly these emotions had control of me, not the other way around. Like a geyser they sprung forth and I couldn't stand to be alone with me; for any time I was, I felt pain so horrible I thought I would die. It is not coincidence I think that that very same year I began to rebel against every standard and moral I was taught growing up. I did things, that as an adult looking back, I cannot believe I did. Porn, sex, drugs, smoking, drinking were what I used as a strong tower from my pain. I kept myself busy with my friends in person or on the phone. I kept myself "high" through whatever means that meant at the moment (whatever I could get my hands on). Then one day, after many attempts to change my behavior, I asked God what was wrong with me? Why did I struggle so much? Why was I such a screw up? His answer: "You have never dealt with what happened to you as a child." I replied, "You mean being molested?" He said, "Yes". I felt as though he were leading me to a counselor at a certain church. I went only 2 or 3 times. She told me what I needed to hear and answered many of my questions; though unasked. It was like she was reading my mind. She wasn't of course. She had simply counseled enough people like me, that she knew what to tell me. From that point on, my life and heart began to heal. As my heart healed, as I felt differently about myself and God, my addictions began to grow fewer and fewer. God was the potter and I certainly was the clay in His hands. I allowed Him to heal me; to bring me from glory to glory. He still is. He always will until one day I leave this body and go home to be with Him forever. My husband was the same way. His addictions were a result of his unresolved childhood/family trauma. He also did not: 1. Face a trauma; 2. Work through the issues involved in the trauma; 3. Grieve the traumatic event or process; 4. Move into healing. As a result, he became an alcoholic and sex addict. I don't think he realizes that that is what he was, but as many people as he had sex with before me, he was. He quit the alcohol and never looked back; that is until he remembered some unresolved things that happened to him growing up. He then ran from his pain (unknown to me) through alcohol, drugs, bulimia, and finally porn. We were already married 4 years when this happened. My husband ran just like I did, as a teen, from his pain. The first time he ran he was only 9 years old. That's when he took his first drink. He quit when he was 23. He started again when he was 28. He quit again when he was 30. He tried to abstain from porn and it only lasted a while (which nearly ended us). The reason being that he hadn't dealt with the root of his addictions. When he asked God what to do, God also told him to deal with his past traumas. When he did, the addictions "died, died, died", in his words. So, here I am tonight, feeling once again like his addictions were about me. And here I am once again reminding myself of the truth. I only wish he could have seen beyond himself and seen how his actions would affect me. I often wonder when all this pain will finally end and I can be at peace. I spend my days surviving instead of living. I pray God for the day I live again. CD
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Post by completelydone on Sept 20, 2007 20:31:50 GMT -5
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Post by completelydone on Sept 20, 2007 21:18:13 GMT -5
Tonight I've been reading again over at www.pureintimacy.comThese things struck me there: This was certainly true for both my husband and I. This also helps explain what I've believed, that porn/sex addictions are not chemical addictions, but behavioral that are simply used to alter emotions just like chemicals are used to alter emotions. The so called "chemicals" in the brain can that we become addicted to can be misleading, I believe. Those "chemicals" in our brains are nothing but emotional responses to sexual feelings. Anyway, the point is all the things mentioned become things that help side track us from our pain; unresolved issues. Instead of attacking those things head on, addicts run. Oh boy, did this hit home with me. I grew up in a family where there clearly are unspoken rules that say: - Don't feel (and if you do and express them we will just tell you that you are wrong for feeling that way). - Don't Trust (we cannot trust each other with our emotions. There is no emotional support in my family). - Don't Talk (if we don't talk about you hurting me and me hurting you then we can pretend there are no problems between us and everything will be OK). The only thing we don't have is controlling and manipulating relationships. My husband has all four of those in his family of origin. Yes, as a child I could never have pin pointed these things as dysfunctional, but now I see so clearly through it all. I wish they could so we could have a healthier family. I also had to learn on my own how to change these ways of communicating; or not communicating actually, so that I could have a chance at healthy relationships. It also helped me learn to deal with my problems instead of pretending they didn't exist under the guise of that being scriptural. My Mom use to quote the Apostle Paul, "But one thing I do, leaving those things that are behind and reaching for the future"; or something like that. I believe Paul was speaking more about forgetting ones past sins instead of feeling guilty; not that we should ignore trauma and not deal with it. If that is what he meant than my family would be the healthiest family in the world. My grandfather, bless his sweet soul, deals with things that way too. When grandma died a couple years ago he got rid of EVERYTHING that reminded him of her. It's like he thought if he did that he would be free of his pain from losing her. It's like he tried to pretend that a woman he had been married to for over 50 years never existed! Of course it didn't work. It put off his grieving but I think he's come to a point where his emotions are resurfacing whether he likes it or not, so he has no choice now but to grieve. I would have to say though, that the rule "Don't Trust" came more into my life not because of my family, but because of people outside of my family. The only thing I couldn't trust my family with was sharing how I felt (if it was negative). I have tried to unlearn this rule of "Don't Trust" after every betrayal in close relationships with men (and even some friends). It became harder every new relationship for me to trust. I feel my husband also found it hard to trust me because of his past with his family and girlfriends. I think his blow to trust growing up was actually much worse than mine. But, he didn't talk about it with me. That's because he was still living under the subconsious, "Don't Talk" rule. I feel like he had that "one strike you're out", and still does really with others, because he is very mistrustful. I know now that he THOUGHT I was an unfaithful wife, he THOUGHT that I felt he was insignificant for me (sexually and otherwise); mostly because of one thing I said to him one night in exasperation (after trying to communicate with him about it many previous times). I didn't even remember saying it until he finally leveled with me one night that, well, he basically turned on me because he perceived that I rejected him from what I told him. I did not reject him (sexually or otherwise). He misunderstood me. From that point on he started drawing away from me further and further, till eventually he started using porn and resented me. He apparently played over and over in his mind what I said to him, but never even asked me if he had understood me right, or what I meant by what I said, etc. I was so devestated and ANGRY to learn that the whole snowball that lead to him cheating on me with porn was a misunderstanding on his part of something I said, that could have been nipped in the bud if he would have opened his mouth and said something! "No Trust, No talk, No feelings". That explains perfectly the way he lived in our relationship. And even though I repeatedly tried to break through his brick wall, he kept me shut out. I am very angry with him for giving me the "one strike, you're out treatment", and I believe that is exactly what he did to me. I've seen him o it with other people too. "If that's the way they feel about me then I hate them from now on." Even if that's not really how they feel about him, it's only what he has blown out of proportion in his mind. Well, now we do talk. We do feel, and we are working on the trust with each other. Those are some huge steps. He now says, he wishes he would have learned to be this open sooner and none of it would have happened. Boy how I wish too.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 21, 2007 5:21:40 GMT -5
CompletelyDone: I really enjoyed "walking along" beside you in these recent explorations. I was particularly moved by your reflections on the whole "trust" and "mistrust" thing. HIJACK ON: I think I differ a bit from you in my perception of the chemical side of the addiction: I feel *certain* that I watched my husband go through about 8 weeks of chemical withdrawal when he stopped p/MB. He had physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms. Now that I've written that, I will go explore that a bit on my journal. Sorry for the brief hijack. I don't want to argue with you on your own journal for crying out loud!!! HIJACK OFF. I continue to find great value in your posts. The great exploding thread the other day...I was particularly grateful for your thoughts on the 'porn generation.' I have also seen this in action, not so much with my SD, but definitely with slightly older children. I am very close to a young lady who is 17 now (family friend and, for a while, I was acting as caregiver while her parents went through "stuff"). I have watched her struggle from about age 12. It's disturbing to me. Thank you for being here and for posting so openly here about your thoughts and readings. J
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Post by completelydone on Sept 22, 2007 8:41:38 GMT -5
After reading this in Mayberry's journal, I found it interesting that I had the same symptoms (actually some very strong ones in there) after d day in response to my trauma with husband. I'm going to ask him to read over it and see if he recognizes himself in there too. He's told me before he didn't have withdrawal symptoms, but that he had a lot of emotional baggage surfacing since he wasn't using his "drug" anymore. But he says that he knows what withdrawal is because he quit drinking when we dated, and it wasn't the same to him. I don't know, maybe those emotional responses to resurfacing trauma is what they are calling withdrawal, but I don't think so. I believe they are saying it's a chemical withdrawal in the brain........ ah well, I guess it doesn't really matter in the big picture but I'll ask him to take a look at this anyway.
Psychological symptoms: Anxiety/panic attacks (yes) Depression (yes) Ruminating negative thoughts (yes) Rapid mood changes (yes) Phobias (yes) Difficulty concentrating (yes) Intense cravings (yes) Nightmares (yes) Feeling of helplessness/hopelessness (yes)
Physical Symptoms: Hyper-sensitive to stimulation (light and noise) (absolutely yes. I flinched easily. My startle reflex was hyper sensitive) Joint pain (yes) Headaches (yes) Blurred vision (yes, but that could be my bad eyesight ) Itchy skin (yes) Fatigue (yes) Tremors (yes, my hands would shake a lot) Fluctuations in body temperature ( ) Loss of appetite (yes) Flu like symptoms (yes) Sexual dysfunction (yes) Dizziness (yes, I thought I was coming down with a disease; turned out to be panic attacks) Extreme thirst (yes) Difficulty swallowing (yes) Weakness (yes) Seizures (only when I flew into fits of rage on him) jk
modified to say:
I believe these were mostly due to the PTSD that I suffered for a while after d day. Some SO's do get that.
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Post by completelydone on Sept 22, 2007 22:27:37 GMT -5
Reading again tonight at pureintimacy. That place has been very helpful for me the past few days.
I'm going to post a pretty large section on the "Don't Feel" survival rule as that was a biggy in my home growing up. My own repressed emotions (trained to be that way by my parents) I believe played a huge role in my addictions. They taught me incorrectly how to deal with trauma and emotions; they taught me not to deal with it but to suck it up and be strong. I often baraded myself growing up for crying; saw myself as a sissy for it and lectured myself to quit feeling sorry for myself. This is what I learned from my parents; my "negative emotions" were to be avoided and not shown for this was weakness and lack of faith in God. I need to remind myself to feel, and the harm in what they taught me concerning dealing with pain and trauma. I also need to keep myself in check with my children to make sure I don't treat them the same. I don't think I do typically, but there have been times I recalled while reading this article that I did make them feel bad for expressing certain emotions. I do NOT want to do that. I want them to feel safe with me sharing their hearts always; never afraid Mom will reject them for their feelings. So, here's a clip of the article on that:
Don’t Feel
Many people become adept at repressing their emotions. From outward appearances, Emily seems to be a happy and open parent. However, when it comes to situations involving her children and emotional hurt, she often tells them to quit crying and toughen up. Emily learned to repress her emotions so she could survive her abusive mother. She is now trying to teach her children these same protective “skills.” Everyone has emotions, but in families of trauma, to feel is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is perceived as the cause of emotional pain and so people avoid it at all costs. The “Don’t Feel” rule includes survival behaviors that help a person avoid feelings. Behaviors include repressing emotions, trying to forget pain, blaming others for our feelings, denial, and trying to change how we feel.
Families of addictions and other trauma will often try to control the few emotions that are allowed. For some people anger is acceptable and yet others in the family are not allowed to express it. Crying in response to a painful conflict is often criticized and repressed by other family members. There are families where expressions of grief are not allowed. A family that does not tolerate respectful and honest expressions of emotions is a family that is not safe.
It is important to understand that anger, crying, grief, and other “negative” emotions are natural responses to trauma. Although many families of trauma do not allow such emotions to be displayed, only when individuals are safely allowed to express such internal feelings will health and healing begin .
As a result of family experiences, individuals create their own rules for emotional control. For some people anger is frightening; instead of acting “angry,” they act “hurt.” For others, the feelings of being scared or hurt are replaced by anger and rage. Important relationships are harmed when people are not appropriate and honest with their emotions.
The “Don’t Feel” rule leads to a growing army of repressed emotions. These emotions can contribute to experiences of being overwhelmed, anxious, easily angered, and depressed. As these emotions build, people become increasingly vulnerable to addictions that are often used to temporarily quiet repressed feelings.
I e-mailed the whole thing to my parents house. Maybe it will help them learn healthier ways to deal and feel and heal.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 23, 2007 6:46:01 GMT -5
Thank you for posting that "don't feel" bit, CompletelyDone. I'm going to share that with my husband. I dealt with the "don't feel" stuff earlier in my life, but I still (after nearly 20 years of recovery) feel the ripples of it in my day to day life. My husband is just now starting to grapple with some of this stuff--"suck it up, boy!" Sigh. Just makes me want to thwack someone upside the head....Other times, it makes me *so* aware of how important it is to create a different home environment for Little Berry. Again, thank you for this post and your sharing on the article. Jinn
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Post by completelydone on Sept 23, 2007 10:12:36 GMT -5
Hi Mayberry, The "Don't Feel" rule for survival is sadly, very often present for men in society. It can also be for us women, apparently you are I are two of those. It is sad because bringing kids up this was causes them to feel unsafe with their families emotionally, and it often does lead to addictive behaviors. It would be so healing for your husband to unlearn that way of living; as it was for me and my husband. He only wishes he would have ignored society and his parents teaching him this much sooner. He was afraid (makes me laugh inside) that he would be unmanly if he felt and showed his emotions. Of course he is not "unmnaly" now; and now he's at a place where he doesn't give a rip what people think about him or his "manliness" either. He feels frustrated that more men don't see through this farse, and sad for them. He says he'll never go back to that old way of repressing himself again; he feels "free" now. And he admits that he needed to do this to not only heal past traumas but to stay healthy when trials, tramaus, problems come now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The "Don't Talk" Rule: This sounds just like my family and my husbands growing up. It was OK for me to talk about my issues to my parents that I had with other people, but not about issues with anyone within our family. Again, the way to resolved conflict within our home was to pretend none existed; or at least between us kids and our parents. They had conflicts with each other that they would take in private, and thus we never saw a healthy way to resolve conflict, but we were not allowed to express to them what we felt was a problem between them and us. If I felt hurt by my mother, for example, it was not to be discussed and I was always assumed to be the one in the wrong anyway. I was to forgive her and accept her the way she was. I'm still expected to do that, which is why I cannot see her anymore. I can never resolve any issues I have with her treatment of me or my family, which continues to always be hurtful, so removing myself from contact with her is my only option if I don't want to be hurt. There's never anything wrong with the way she relates to us, there is only a problem with how I feel about it. My feelings are always wrong. I can't live that way anymore. What my feelings are to her is insignificant; which makes me feel insignificant to her. She doesn't care that she hurts me. She feels entitled to do as she pleases in our relationship, and I must bow to that if I want one with her. There is no give and take, no empathy, no consideration of each other, no mutual respect. There is her way and she is always right; and it doesn't matter who she steps on. For instance, there was one time when I attempted to share the way my parents made me feel growing up (not feeling emotionally accepted or safe to share my emotions with them). I wrote them an e-mail expressing it all. What I got in return where "boundaries" and "I'm sorry you were that way, that you feel that way about us, but it was all your fault." Her "boundaries" were things to keep me farther away from her, and made me feel more unloved than ever. For instance, one boundary was that I could not come to their house uninvited (or at the least without calling first). My father had given me a key when they moved in there, and now she was saying I'm no more welcome there than an aquaintance calling upon them. I felt devastated that once again she was telling me how unwelcome I was instead of trying to heal our relationship. Her way of healing it was to push me away further! I'm sorry, but IMO, telling your children they don't have an open door waiting for them is not loving, it is cruel. It has R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N written all over it. Of course she would never give this boundary to my brother. The more she sees of him the better. If she could I'm sure she have him move back in at nearly 30 years old. My children will be forever welcome visitors to my home. If I have something else I need to do (that can't wait) I will polightly tell them so and ask them to come back later. I will never tell them to make an appointment with me or wait for an invitation. Really, that's all laughable because if I waited for an invitation from my mother, I would likely never get one! She might invite us to holidays. I thank God for my father. He wants to see us, talk to us, and love on us as much as possible. I just wish he knew how to resolve conflicts instead of wanting everyone to pretend none exist and just get along. Still gnawing................. All my pretense growing up just got me this:
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Post by completelydone on Sept 25, 2007 23:12:55 GMT -5
From www.pureintimacy.com This is the *why* behind addictions most generally. It is not an excuse. It does not HAVE to come to the point of addictions, and not all people who experience trauma become addicts. But it IS the *why* behind addictions; particularly among individuals who don't process grief and trauma well. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because of the old lies that his addiction was about me. It does help to think back to my own addictions, and they weren't about anyone other than numero uno; mua. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out it wasn't about me. I don't know why sometimes that old way of thinking wants to worm its way back into my mind. If his addiction were alcohol again, it would not be about me. So, its logical that any addiction would not be about me, but about a desperate person who wants to feel better but doesn't know how to; they don't know how to heal themselves. They run from the very things that would help propel them to healing; feeling, talking, resolving it mentally, forgiving, trusting again. But when the addiction is sexual in nature, it FEELS so personal. It IS so personal in many ways, but not in the way that his acting out sexually elsewhere was about a fault in me. It was about faults in him; faults in how he viewed himself, in how he thought I veiwed him, in how he repressed himself, in the fact that he believed he wasn't enough for me and therefore I must be unfaithful to him. It's all really sad that it went down that way. It didn't have to. If he would have............ and he should have............ and we could have..................................... At least now I understand the why after many long and hurtful talks with him. I can see him through eyes of compassion. I can empathize with his life and how he came to where he was. I cannot excuse him, and he cannot excuse himself. For there is no excuse for betrayal, infidelity. But I can forgive him more easily because I understand him now. I see how what he did, coming from the life he grew up in (and all he ever knew). Well, quite frankly it was more likely for him to end up caught up in all he did, than not. As sad as it is, its true. It wouldn't have mattered if he were married to me or the next top model, he still would have done it. And now that he knows better, he can do better, and he is. So, whenever I think it was all about me, I have to remind myself of all I've learned along the way in this trial. I have to remember all the things we've discussed during the wee hours of the morning, late night, and all different hours throughout the days. He's changed. He's a different man with new life skills; with love, with emotional intimacy toward me. So, let's keep moving along; even if it IS just baby steps.
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Post by completelydone on Sept 26, 2007 23:16:17 GMT -5
OK, the biggest thing that helped me realize that my husband's porn addiction was never about me is what he told me last January when I tried to sit him down to tell him I wanted a divorce. He had quit porn for nearly three years by then. He had been putting his all into healing himself, me, and us. He was devastated. I was relieved to finally have come to a decision as hurtful as it was.
I told my husband that I could not live with not being enough for him. That even if he never looked at porn again, I would know that I wasn't enough for him, and I couldn't live with that. I told him if I wasn't enough for him then, than I'm not now, and it will only get worse as I age. I wanted to be someone's all, and I couldn't have that with him. It was gone.
Then my husband found the words to express to me for the first time the biggest *why* of his decision to use porn. He cried, "don't you get it? It was never about YOU not being enough. It was about ME not being enough! I was never enough for YOU!! All I wanted was you, but I thought you hated me. I thought you were cheating on me. I thought you didn't think I was enough for you!" Then he went into detail of why he thought those things; things from his childhood home, his youth, his past girlfriends, things that I said that misunderstood, not knowing how to communicate, feel, grieve, etc. When he put it all together like that it finally made sense to me that it wasn't me not being enough to him, that drove him to other women (in porn), but it was his false perception of rejection from me of him. No, it doesn't make it right. He should have opened his mouth and communicated instead of closing completely down and wondering off into a fantasy land with other women.
I realized that night, that in truth, I was not only enough for him, but was his hearts desire all along. That the porn women were nothing but a pitiful substitute for me. He had believed that he was not enough for me, and that I had turned elsewhere, so he did too, while still hoping that I might change my mind about him and we could reconcile.
Then looking back on our whole relationship it was like all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. It all made sense then. Before that I tried so many times to understand him and his strange actions, reactions, etc. to different things. When I put his past life experiences together with my past life experiences and how we reacted to each other out of our past, I understood how we both misread, misunderstood each other, and each others actions, forms of communication etc. He loved me desperately and wanted me to love him too, but because of a few misunderstandings (because of past baggages) he thought I didn't approve of him, accept him, love him, need him, want him. He said he thought I hated him. I on the other hand loved him desperately and wanted to be loved in return, but because he was drawing further away from me emotionally all the time, because he thought I hated him and was being unfaithful, I thought he hated me. And because I thought he hate me, I did some desperate and stupid things to try to get his attention which just cemented in his mind that I must be cheating on him. So further away he grew from me, and I chased until I finally gave up. He used porn as a way to escape his false but perceived rejection from me. It was in truth his "false intimacy" where he was not rejected. It had nothing to do with me not being enough to him, it was about him feeling he wasn't enough for me.
For the first time I got it. And he told me it was when he realized my love for him, that he quit using porn. He had what he had wanted all along, but thought he didn't have. He said he suddenly saw how obvious my love should have been to him, but thinks it was all the rejection of his past that made him believe that I could never really love and accept him fully either.
He was living a lie (both with porn and by making that decision out of the lie that I hated him and had someone else), I was living a lie because of his deceit.
But when he opened up and shared the truth from his heart, I was finally able to see that he loved me all along and I was enough for him. That enabled me to stay with him and try to continue to work this all out.
Now if only we could build the trust quicker..........
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 28, 2007 21:55:53 GMT -5
Wow. Another "wow" post from you. Thank you for this. J
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Post by completelydone on Sept 30, 2007 9:40:10 GMT -5
Wow. Another "wow" post from you. Thank you for this. J Hi Mayberry, I asked my husband why he didn't just open his mouth and tell me these things all along and we wouldn't have gone through ANY of this. The answer is the previous posts I made here about the, "don't talk, don't feel, don't trust" rules of survival in his home growing up. Although I had grown past those "rules" in my life through other relationships and reading by then, he hadn't. Therefore, I was always trying to communicate, which he took as rejection instead of conflict resolution; and he was always avoiding talking, feeling, and having a hard time trusting. It all seems such a shame and waste of our lives that it never had to be that way, if he only knew how to feel, talk, and trust then. He's learning now to do all three. He enjoys feeling, talking, and is working on his trust issues. CD
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Post by completelydone on Oct 5, 2007 10:09:37 GMT -5
Well, I went to the visitation and funeral; largest they'd seen in over 100 years in their funeral business. I read the poem I wrote at the funeral for him and for everyone. I'm gonna miss that man. I'm such a wreck that he is gone; everyone is. His closest family are so dear to me as well and I hold them in my prayers for I know they are hurting so bad.
God,
Give us all strength to get through this each and every day until we are whole again.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 5, 2007 16:29:20 GMT -5
Holding you in prayer. I am terribly sorry for your loss. J
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