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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 30, 2007 11:08:39 GMT -5
reset the counter. looked at a swimsuit model and checked out her body. I also just texted my gf about this slip, and reset my counter. onward I guess.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 30, 2007 11:50:59 GMT -5
It's 12:52pm and I could go for a nap, my vision is slightly impaired and my right ear is ringing. On a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being sleeping) I would say I'm at a 7.5 I dont know if this is normal, would it be the ham samwich with instnt carnatino breakfast? It was only 20 grams of sugar.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 31, 2007 11:27:39 GMT -5
Lookde at XXX Porn and masturbated today..
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 4, 2007 9:50:07 GMT -5
Things are better. Havent slipped since Aug 31.. I'm doing OK. Examined Step 1 - 3 and noticed that I really think All Christians should take the 12 steps..My opinion..
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 5, 2007 11:53:45 GMT -5
Been extremely hyper lately, its a nice change over the fatigue syndrome I was having.. THis is nice. I praise God because I believe he touched me...
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 5, 2007 14:24:13 GMT -5
My productivity has increased by some many levels... However, I'm chillin out.. Been on myspace reading atheists and christians argue, it's always entertaining. I feel sorry for anyone who has to get angry when arguing their belief. It reminds me of how human we all are. I'm Christian, but I avoid those debates anymore. My faith in God goes way beyond words, reason, text, etc. It is my very essence of being. That which, I can only witness by being, and not by words.
Anyway, I am going to go on and say that I am doing a lot better, but I am tired.. didn't get much sleep last night. Because I lowered my dose of paxil and my energy levels jumped caffeine has much stronger effects on me. So from now on, no caffeine after 6:00pm!!!!
I just got internet back on home now. I feel confident that I wont slip.. Mainly because I'm working the program. The 12 steps as they say.. However, I'm not near fully grown yet, but God is changing me.. Praise!
So I feel confident today.. but tired.. happy too. I'm glad I'm not married right now, I'm glad I don't have kids, I'm glad that I'm not destroying any marriage and that I didnt destroy a marriage. I'm glad that I am in recovery and I don't have a ton of baggage attached to it. I'm looking forward to overcome this and have a wonderful marriage one day.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 5, 2007 21:02:33 GMT -5
Now that I have more energy I'm finding myself wantin to "fix" everyone. This HAS to go. I can't be like this. If someone is complaining I can't just jump on them and try to "Fix" them, apparently sometimes they just want me to listen. It just sucks when someone complains about things I can't even fix, so I want to fix them. It's not my responsibility. I need to give it to God.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 7, 2007 12:09:03 GMT -5
Feeling down again.. Although I have more energy.. WHCIH is nice.
I'm looking forward to starting the 12 styeps come october. My gf will be visiting sept 26 to oct 3 and then she wont be in town for months. This is good that we are distant for now, becuase of my much-needed growth ahead.
I'm discouraged though.
These boards..
I read a lot of posts here. A lot of them are filled with discouragement. Seems like everyones slipping and no progress is being made.. "slipped again" they say.. mean while the female's boards are filled with bitterness. Justified in a sense, due to being lied to for X years and having a marriage destroyed, to say the VERY LEAST.
So here I am.. Conscience of the destructiveness of this addiction, and conscience of how addictive this addiction is. I am in awe.. I am compeltely and utterly sick. I dont even want to get married anymore. I really dont. I thought I did, but I dont anymore. You know what I want more than anything else? This life to be different than ti is. I want to be free from porn, I dont want to be somebody who gets married then lies to his wife.
I guess I'm glad women never really liked me all that much in the first place. Guess it paid off that I'm terrified of committment. Atleast I know why. ITs because I'm a wreck. I would never want to put someone through the hell my addictive personality could create.
If I die single I want to put on my tombstone a poem of some sort describing the virtue of saving a womans life by never being married.
I dont know.. I just dont want to live.. I'm thinking suicidal thoughts.. yet I'm not going to actually do anything suidical. Of course not. I just dont want to be in this body right now. I dont want to face my problems, my fears, etc, but here I am.. with them..
So may God help me.. God please give me strength! I need you Lord! I need help so badly. I cant wait for the 12 step pogram to start.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 7, 2007 15:04:33 GMT -5
Ended up almost acting out. Looked at something I shouldn't have, but then just turned away from it. told my GF as well. We talked for a minute, and she thanked me for being kind to her. that touched me, I really needed to hear that. I feel better now..
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 10, 2007 12:21:51 GMT -5
Love is such a strange thing. Ya know, just about every song on the radio mentions love, or a part of it. From the glory to the hardship to the sheer bitterness of rejection, all is based around love.
I'm growing cold to Love again. I just am. It's not that I don't want love or I don't love others, its just that love is so painful for me.
I'm a sex addict. in recovery.. doing my best to stay away from Porn. But you know what, I have so many other addictions right now its not funny.
I'm addicted to sleep, food, sex, alcohol and drugs. I've been sober from alcohol and drugs since March 15, 2007. Really those addictions are nothing compared to the vice of pornography or masturbation, but all stem from the same root. The Sin-Self. I call it the Sin-Disease. It's everything that makes me a selfish person. It's me at the core, and without God's intervention I cannot defeat it.
The Love I just cant bear to share anymore, the Love I just wish did not exist, is the romantic, intimate love between a man and a woman. Yes, the love between spouses. It's the love you have for your significant other as they say. That kinda mushy gushy love just brings pain.
It's painful in both ways. MY girlfriend whom I'm with because right now just doesn't love me like I love her. I suppose I just got crazy about her.
I fell deeply and insanely in love with this woman because she accepts me for who I am. I am completely transparent to her, and she still really wants to be around me. She still values my friendship highly, loves the fact that I am always there for her to pray with her and to listen to her. But she's not crazy about me.
Certainly she's fine with being in a relationship and giiving me exclusive boyfriend status, and she does care about me, but she doesnt think that I'm the one for her. No, she thinks that God has some plan for us both and that's about it. In her eyes, she believes that her and I will always be friends, always. But at the same time, she's not in love with me. No, she just loves me as a person, as a brother in Christ, and that's it.
So maybe I have it all wrong.. Maybe love just isnt for me. Its so hard to be with her sometimes, because I have to force myself to not be in love with her. I have to make myself view her as a friend. Boyfriend status does not give me any right to kiss her, we're not kissing btw.
My heart is broken. I want to be with her differently than she wants to be with me, yet I can't just write her off. I am just struggling with not looking at her like someone to be madly in love with. I struggle with looking at her like just a close friend. I want to mean so much more to her, yet all I am is a good friend. She wants more good friends like me, not a marriage.
In her eyes God is going to tell her who she will marry and she wont have any doubts. She does not want to take any chances.
But shoot, I'm a PA, so why would you want to be with me anyways. I can't buy her nice things anymore, I can't show her my affection like I used to anymore, and I just can't bear to expose my heart to her anymore. I can't because it is painful, very very painful. All I can do is be her close friend, and continue to hold this boyfriend status until God separates us or marries us. Probably not the latter.
It's just hard. I'm not really a relationship type of guy anyway. I'm more of a stay-single type of guy.
God put us together. The night she wondered if we should be together she told God that if I were for her I would be completely honest with her. That same night without a word from her toward me I was kept up until 4am by the Lord and kept feeling him tugging away at me. I kept getting the sense that I had to be honest with her, about my past, about everything. The next day I told her that and she was shocked. Both of us were. It was pretty amazing. That in alignment with the fact that we both do have feelings for each other, prompted us both to continue our rship has bf and gf.
It's been hard though. Because I get crazy about her. No woman has ever been so kind like her to me. No woman has ever been so forgiving, so accepting, and so genuine as her. So of course I'm crazy about her, of course I want marriage. But she doesnt feel the same way.
So I'm heart broken. Heart broken because what I want out of the rship is not what she wants. So now I'm just patiently waiting.
I'm cligning onto God, because he's the only one who won't break my heart. I'm learning to cope with these horrible emotions of heartbreak without going for a smoke, a drink, or jerking off. It's ok I guess.
I have to learn a lot about myself. The 12 steps are a marvel for self-discovery, and that's good. So I'm hopeful that I will become what God wants me to be. But I am no longer pursuing this woman for marriage. So I can't sit back and let myself go, and fall for her. I can't. I have to be on my guard, ready to pull myself out of a sick love trance that a womans kindness can bring out of me.
Shoot. Women have been so mean to me most of my life, what do you expect? I just can't believe that Love has to be so painful.
I just want to run away. But I'll be here, as always.. I'm here. Just gonna go through this..
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 10, 2007 22:27:33 GMT -5
Got home from the group, things are going well. I'm all about remaining in recovery. I like recovery. Recovery is my friend. God is my shelter, my strongtower, my strength, my helper and redeemer.
My beloved girlfriend, need not be with me should I be unable to tackle this addiction. I must stay vigilant, and not try to white-knuckle, but figure out what to do to stay in God's will.
My beloved girlfriend is still with me, and she is informed when I act out, and still with me, which is a miracle in it's own. But that doesn't mean I can now start acting out again because she is nice. She isn't accepting that I act out, she is accepting that I am honest and am in recovery.
Now I go and read a woman on these boards say the same thing, she says that even honesty isn't enough, that we have to work at it as well. But goes beyond that. Yes, some of these women actually think that a guy can just stop and never act out again for as long as he lives, and that his honesty isn't good enough, should he be honest about his acting out that one more time it's over.
That ultimatum attitude.
I'd rather be single. should my beloved say I have one more chance, then go let her leave me in peace for I do not want to give her false promise.
All I can promise is that I'll do my best, and that if I fail I'll let her know. That certainly I don't want to fail, but I am never going to say never. No, and I feel sorry for men in recovery with women like that. I say leave them, because you'll only dissapoint them, dsestroy them further.
I don't even want this life. But It's here for me and I have to live it. I don't like the fact that I am a recovering SA. But I am what I am. I will certainly not share a relationship on lies. And I can never promise that I'll never P or MB again, I'll never promise that to me, God or my spouse. If that makes me single for the rest of my life, then I will remain single, for I am a loner anyway.
I can say that I'll do my best, and let God do the rest. If I never use P or MB again I'll be so excited. I am looking forward to the day that I say "I havent P'ed or MB'ed in 10 years" then 20 years and so on. I really want that to happen, but please spare me from ultimatums and set ups for broken promises. No thanks, I'd rather be single.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 11, 2007 10:54:23 GMT -5
So I looked at an innocent myspace video,wanted to read the comments and behold two women kissing was some pervs avatar. That didn't arouse me so much as it intrigued me, and I looked longer then I should, then I found myself in ritualization. Pornography flooded my mind. The enticement was born, temptation took hold, but I walked away. Now I'm feeling guilty that I even looked.
Notice the addictive thinking .. it INTRIGUED ME.. oh please.. you know..
Two women kissing should gross me out.. I pray to God I can see this crap for what it is. Its disgusting filth.
I didn't look long enough to get aroused thank God. But I looked longer than I should have.. I looked and noticed that I was intrigued. Then temptation hit. It was like I should have bounced my eyes off immediately.
I'm so sick of this. SEX ADDICT.
SEX ADDICT.
I'm sick of this..
There's more to this disease then being a SEX ADDICT.
It's actually a SELF-GRATIFICATION ADDICT
Call it what it is.. I'm tired of just looking at my addictino like my problem is sexual desire becasue it ain't. My problem is that I am a selfish man who thrives on instant gratification. I'm just calling it what it is..
I just cant wait until I get a sponsor. I need one.. I dont know I need help. I just cant keep doing this alone. I need more support, more help, and more progress, and I dont know what to do.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 11, 2007 23:27:08 GMT -5
Another late night. I'm in the habit of staying up late. I didnt have this problem when I was struggling with fatigue, but now I do again. I suppose I'm just going ot have to get up earlier. I dont know. I'm really looking forward to my girlfriend's visit. It's a llong distance relationship, a very good one I think.
Well. Still clean from masturbation and pornography.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 12, 2007 8:00:33 GMT -5
Today has started off pretty good. I'm starting to 'let things go' and just live a little. Not letting go of being P Free though, but just letting go of being a perfectionist.
I spent a few minutes reading the partners forum. It can be very depressing and makes me want to stay single forever. I'm just glad I didn't lie and am not lying. Any woman who ends up with me will know about my addiction. They'll know I'm in recovery, and they'll know I'm at risk of relapse.
Lotta these ladies cant trust their men, pretty much gotta give them the boot, I cant blame them. I'm just glad, so glad, so very very glad, that I'm not married nor have kids nor put myself in this situation.
I do have a GF, and she knows, but no we're not engaged and probably not going to get married . Affection is limited to holding hands on occasion, while most intamicy is practiced with just sharing our time and being open and honest.
I have much appreciation for her. Realy I can't imagine having to start all over again and meet some woman and have to break the news.. That's why dating is and never will be for me. All my female friends know I have a P problem. And my GF was one of them, just a friend who already knew.
This addiction destroys marraiges.. I always wanted a good marriage since I was a kid, but I have an addiction that destroys 'em. I'm not happy about that, no I'm depressed and sometimes it makes me want to escape but I can't escape I have to face it.
I want to say that Never again is true but its not. Maybe castration will suffice so I can just get on with my life and not want to marry at all.
Hello Step One nice to meet you again. I am powerless, powerless powerless..
Just glad that I'll be P Free today, and that I have friends(My Girlfriend, My Men's group, and My God) that care, and that I'm working on recovery.. Let tomorrow worry about itself I guess.. That is all.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 13, 2007 12:40:57 GMT -5
Enjoying 13 days of sobriety. Staying away from acting out is a great thing.
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