|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 8, 2007 7:09:14 GMT -5
8:15 Journaling doesnt seem to help, but here goes. I'm sober. Worked out today. I dont really want to think about sex or anything and unfortunately this stie triggers me for some stupid reason. Soo I'm out. Took shower and worked out today, praise God!
Sobriety: 4 days
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 9, 2007 7:44:57 GMT -5
Todays another day. Work is light. things are going well. I did come in late.. missed an oppurtunity to go to the track. But I can always try again tomorrow. I just need more sleep than most people... 9 - 10 hours is good for me. Still sober 5 Days
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 9, 2007 9:47:56 GMT -5
Still sober.. bored.. tired.. and hungry.. The HALT system..
I wish I got up early this morning.. Am upset about that. Gonna make me a sammich for lunch.
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 9, 2007 12:00:03 GMT -5
Why was I even made. What gave my parents the right to procreate and produce such a monster? I haven't acted out, no. But I can't seem to just do the simple things in life. Is it not easy to brush your teeth? What's so hard about eating right? Why can't you get up at the same time every day? Why do you suck at doing the simple things in life? Why do you give women a second look? When will you stop? How many times will it take before you finally stop giving things a second look, or looking things up and down?
I can't stand the fact that I was on myspace and watching an innocent video, some stupid spamvert has to post a comment on the video, and its a young girl half-naked. I have to look at that picture 2 times? Why? Why didn't I just bounce my eyes away?
Just like the lady across the street, it's 100 degrees out so she's wearing shorts and a shirt, its nothing revealing, but it did catch my attention.. a few times I had to "look" - not really stare, but just get a glance that I can feast on in my mind.
Now I'm driving the truck, and a lady is crossing the street. Again it's 100 degrees out, need I say more?
I really don't like this about myself.. I'm going to keep focusing on the dangers of even spotting women, because I do not want to get any further.
My sobriety continues at 5 days. I'm hopeful, because I'm starting to recognize more bottom line behaviors.. more and more I am finding the secrets within..
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 9, 2007 14:56:23 GMT -5
I'm amazingly tired. It's because I didnt exercise. I have no money.. I have food, and im too lazy to cook. I want to take a nap but then I'll oversleep and not make it to church. I literally am feeling frustrated. I'll probably clean, then cook, then clean again, tehn take a shower, then go to church, I'm sure negative feelings will go away soon.
Really they are nothing but feelings, weird stupid feelings that should not affect me. In already I'm but a man sitting in his chair typing into a computer. What's the big deal?
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 9, 2007 20:10:22 GMT -5
Church was great. As usual I didn't want to go but I'm glad I did. I also did the dishes, cooked a meal, and cleaned up afterwards, so I feel better about myself. Tomorrow I'm going to get up early and walk 3 miles. I'm thankful for air conditioning because its 98 degrees out.
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 10, 2007 8:33:37 GMT -5
Just checking in to say I'm still sober. Was late for work though.. I'm sleepy...
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 10, 2007 9:16:56 GMT -5
I'm a bit anxious.. I'm at Day 6 of sobriety, and the last time I slipped was at day 7. I'm so excited to see me put down a day 8.
My gf and I's relationship has strengthened a bit recently. I guess I'll share a bit on what's going on. She knows that I love her so much, and that I want to marry her. Of course, she doesnt feel the exact same way about me.
It si painful when the feelings you have for someone is not reflected from them, even though she does say she loves me, I guess its obvious that I love her more. The pain I felt when hearing that made me want to turn and run out of this relationship, yet she's been so helpful to me and continues to push me in the right direction. She continues to push me to be more of a man of God, and I can honestly type in here that I have been completely honest with her about my addiction since we first opened up to each other long long before we were even bf and gf. By honest, I do mean, when I slip, I tell her about it... But I'm in an SA group, and I start the 12 steps September 10th, and I know that without a shadow of a doubt, that this addiction will be way beyond past me one day.
But this week has been great. We've been having long talks with deep discussion, and we've been connecting on a spiritual level unseen by me before. I can only say that I'm going to continue to be by her side, until the day she leaves. One of my deciding factors of if this is worth it or not, is to be blatantly honest with her. I figure: I don't want to lie myself into a marriage because it wont work. I might as well just tell her how it is with me in every aspect, so that she knows exactly what she's getting into. I guess this might be stupid, but I don't care, I really do believe that I could finish this life never being married, but it's definitely something I hope doesn't happen. I mean, I'm just not desperate for marriage, and that, well, being desperate for anything is bad.. unless its desperation for recovery, hehe. All I can do, is say, she's been a great influence with or without the promise of marriage, so I'm sticking with her.
I've never really been in a relationship this long before.. It's only been 6 months, and my last record was 3. I havent been in that many relationships with women either. To be honest, I've been single most of my life, and sharing it with someone else is not something I'm used to. I've never felt this way about any woman but her. She's the first person who has ever really took the time to get to know me for me, and is also the first one to actually "tell me how it is" which is what I need from time to time. I can only thank God for her influence in my lfie, as she's been an outstanding one. We've agreed to not even kiss each other, not until marriage. As far as our intamicy goes we can only hold hands. And I am completely fine with that, because she knows me, and I know her, and its beautiful. I only hope that the end of the road is my sobriety and a family with her, but as always TIME will tell. If we do end up going our separate ways I'll be able to walk away without guilt or shame, because I've been completely honest. Truthfully, I don't deserve her anyway, because she deserves a man who does not struggle or never struggled with this crap. But as long as she's willing to stand by me, and support me on my recovery, I will stand by her.
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 11, 2007 23:21:13 GMT -5
Just checking in tonight, technically it's still saturday to me, so I'll update my counter as such. Today I didn't do much but veg, then cooked dinner, went to church, and spent good time with my girlfriend. Still sober, thank God. I was very close this morning, as my mind started wandering in inappropriate places, however, I stopped.. Thank God!
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 12, 2007 8:32:31 GMT -5
Praise God for another sober day!! I'm actually starting to feel happy again! Maybe this will last long?
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 13, 2007 4:27:01 GMT -5
Good Morning!!! I'm sober!! Still1! Yes!! Broke a record since I started recovery :-)
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 13, 2007 7:15:06 GMT -5
I'm excited that I actually got up this morning and exercised!!!
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 13, 2007 13:46:19 GMT -5
Feeling tired.. I managed to do a lot of work today at work, and exercised, so I'm feeling good about myself. I'm making progress. however now I am feeling lazy and tired.. this is a danger zone for me.. Probably willl take a nap.
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 14, 2007 10:33:43 GMT -5
So far so good, sobriety at 10 days now. I've got work to do, but feeling rather lazy. I struggle against laziness every day. Such a shame I was late for work today.. again.. I hope to not be late for work anymore someday....
|
|
|
Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 15, 2007 8:30:47 GMT -5
Day 11 in sobriety.. oh yeah..
Well, today I don't feel as "uppity" but I forgot to take my paxil today and yesterday.. I should go back home and take some.. I also feel tired.. Well I have an office job so its not exactly easy to get up. Feeling lazy and kinda in the danger zone. Not going to act out though.. no no no..
|
|