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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 16, 2007 8:17:46 GMT -5
Day 12 in Soooo-Bryyyy Ityyyy weeeeeeeeeeeeeee Was spose to get up at 5:00am but didn't. Still not beating myself up. My eating habits have imporoved a lot recently. So I'm glad that I have PROGRESS Thanks
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Post by stepbystep on Aug 16, 2007 8:22:19 GMT -5
Come on cease4peace, I'm rooting for you. So happy for your hard work and success for far. Keep it up. Be watchful and take care.
Your friend, sbs
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 16, 2007 14:54:59 GMT -5
Thanks stepbystep!
I am finding myself "missing" P and MB today. Which is outright dangerous and nor really something I want.. smopke and mirrors. Going to remain free today.. What I think I miss is nothing I really want at all..
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 17, 2007 13:08:13 GMT -5
Spent too much money.. Been lazing around. I have a lot of character defects.. It seems that I have more and more the more "super honest" I am with myself. It's scary tyo think that I'm supposed to somehow get fixed.. or recover.. or whatever.. I seriously don't like sharing it all with my gf either, because sometimes she can be a little upsetting about it all. Atleast I'm P and MB free, and going to church.... But I'm still very lazy, and I overeat sometimes, and I spend too much money. So why on earth would she want to be with me? I'm constantly screwing up.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 20, 2007 7:46:13 GMT -5
Checking in.. I dont have an internet connection on the weekend.. So it's been a whiile.. I'm still sober.. Saturday I went to Kings ISland which is an amusement park, and weent to the water park. There were lots of young attractive girls everywhere wearing very light clothes. It was very very hard. Especially because the friends I were with were a couple of pervs. I did look check a few girls out, but didnt stare long, and did move my eyes off, but still I did double-check sometimes. It was very rough. Then today on myspace I looked at a half naked girl.. what teh heck is wrong with me?
I still consider myself sober, because I did not fantasize, but came close. That's like teetering on the edge. I will not look any further, I will not look any further. I had to stop myself today.. I think that it's probably a good idea I stay away from amusement parks too. I can't be aroudn stuff like that.. It's just not good for me.
Anyways, I'm still free from P and MB, and even thinking about stuff I've seen long enough to get "worked up"
Praise God. For God is Good. All the Time!
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 20, 2007 10:18:08 GMT -5
You give that devil an inch he'll take a mile. I'm so tempted right now its rediculious. Just because I decided to go aheadn and "look" at an image that was probably PG-13 I am thralled to look more, thralled to MB and look at P, I want to do it so bad. This was the day I was waiting for.
It was this day.. that I have messed up on so many times. But you know what? I know better. THis is still a choice, and I'm no way going to accept or choose defeat. I just know how serioust his BS is. I will never look at this junk.
I NEVER USE PORN OR MASTURBATE NOW I NEVER USE PORN OR MASTURBATE NOW I NEVER USE PORN OR MASTURBATE NOW I NEVER USE PORN OR MASTURBATE NOW I NEVER USE PORN OR MASTURBATE NOW
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 21, 2007 7:10:35 GMT -5
Yesterday I looked at material with lustful intent. It wasn't what most people call pornography, but it opened my eyes that I can get lustful over anything, be it an ad or any innocent image. Because I looked at it with lustful intent, my ritulization began to surface. That being said, I did not act out.
I went to youtube and typed in "sex scene" and looked at the innocent sex scenes, I also looked at women on myspace, and looked up sexy dresses on ebay. Doing those things made me feel immense shame, and also created a spiral for me to go down on, a spiral that begged me to just go to a P site and MB. But alas, I did not, but still, I willfully looked up "sex scene" on youtube, and I willfully looked at women on myspace, and then looked at women on printed ads as well. I was out of control and lusting, therefore my sobriety counter has been reset.
Today, I will be sober.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 22, 2007 8:20:32 GMT -5
Feeling lost and confused today.. Wondering what God's will is in my life, and wondering what to do with my girlfriend...
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 22, 2007 8:38:26 GMT -5
Looked at girls profiles on myspace today.. Did it on "autopilot" straight out of habit. I have to avoid myspace.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 22, 2007 21:07:28 GMT -5
Today has been a great day. Fixed a friends computer and trained him on a few things with Windows, it feels good to help people. I forgot how good that felt to be honest.
I have a new plan, its a plan where I don't go back to sleep once I am awake.. Trying it out and seeing how it works. It's part of a bigger picture, but I gotta lay foundation and the first thing to do is making waking up a much easier task then it has been for years and years and years.
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Post by want2befree on Aug 24, 2007 22:35:52 GMT -5
Hey Cease4peace! Keep up the GREAT work. You are doing what needs to be done... one day at a time. I read your entire journal because I, too, suffer from the same types of things as you do. I often run to food and/or sugar to escape from life. I have found out that I am sugar sensitive and by your readings (and family history) it sounds like you might be as well. You definitely have to order the book "The Sugar Addicts Total Recovery Program". It will blow your mind.... as the symptoms you describe are just like mine. The website for the author is www.radiantrecovery.com. Check it out. I, too, am a christian struggling with P & MB addiction but I couldn't get past 7 days without MB... YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THAT! AMen brother... keep up the good work.. "one day at a time!" want2befree
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 27, 2007 14:10:42 GMT -5
It's been a while since I last posted.. My sobriety still reimains I assure you! Thanks for posting that sugar thing, I'll check it out. Just reporting that I'm good and sober.. although I have swimmers ear. Went to the pool with a friend and he didnt oogle at women so it was awesome. I foudn myself having to bounce the eyes a ton, but I did and I'm still sober. Just hoping for this swimmers ear to pass.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 28, 2007 13:49:56 GMT -5
Checking in..
Well, the swimmers ear turned out to be not swimmers ar at all, but a build up of ear wax inside my ear that only a specialist can remove. Upon entry I also found out that I have stage 1 Hypertension, not only that, but that my sleeping problem is indeed not depression but could be a complication with my current anti-depressents (paxil) Because my sleep problem is mroe fatigue based then emotional based, and because it's been going on for 6 years now. I thought it was just me that needed 15 hrs of sleep to feel normal, but its not..
So a blood test was taken, a new diet instituted, and hope for hearing well again as well. I guess I'm doing fine. I suppose my hypertension is because it's stressful being clean. I dont know.. well, God bless, thanks for reading.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 30, 2007 9:26:04 GMT -5
Checking in to say I'm sober, yes, I'm sober. Took step one. I am a Christian man, but the 12 step process of step one really brought to life what it means to put God 1st in my life. I recommend the 12 step program to everyone so far, including Christians. It has done by far more help than "settingcaptivesfree.com" or whatever that site is.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 30, 2007 11:00:18 GMT -5
Looked at some swimsuit models in a mens tv thing, didnt even turn me on.. just lookd and thought "this is crap I shouldnt look" then looked again.. it was like IW as fighting myself.. but I dont even feel temptwed.. in fact.. i feel overwhelmed with recovery right now that I dont even want to act out. It's that bad..
I cant do anything right. I'm stuck in STEP ONE..
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