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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 17, 2007 8:58:44 GMT -5
Wow guys, today is my 12th day of sobriety. My record IS 12 days since I broke up with my ex-gf, and being with her was 21 days of sobriety. Both not so great, but I plan on smoking those records with flying colors.. Screw this addiction.. Addiction, I've got you figured out.. Ok, now I'm cocky.. So maybe I should back it off and know..
I do know. I do know how powerful this addiction can be. I do know how easy it is for me to succumb to it. It's so amazing how every aspect in my life triggers me to look at porn. When I'm sad, I want to act out, when I'm angry, I want to act out, when I'm frustrated I want to act out, confused I want to act out.
Reality: I want to act out whenever my emotions take a sudden change I was not prepared for. As long as life is predictable I am much more powerful then my addiction. As soon as something unpredictable come, my first impulse is to act out. In which I have to tell myself everytime, that is NOT an excuse.
That's not all: When I am relaxed, wanting to take the edge off, or want to end a great day with some cherry on top, my first impulse is to act out. Again, I have to reinforce my new ideology of not acting out never, to myself. So far, this has been working...
Today is day 12 and I am scared. My first impulse in fear IS to act out. However, being scared is never an excuse to act out. No, not at all. I am also nervous about workign out.. because I have been working out for 6 weeks and that's my record in staying in a workout regiment. ALso afraid I wont stick to it. My first impulse again, is mistaken and needs corrected.
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Post by rockwell on Dec 17, 2007 16:07:29 GMT -5
DONT ACT OUT
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 17, 2007 23:47:50 GMT -5
Having major faith issues, not sure what to believe, I still maintain that I want to be sober, no matter what. I'm a bit tired, but I feel like I haven't done enough for me today. This feeling of emptiness makes me feel like I am entitled to acting out, and I know that this is a lie. I am never entitled to act out, and I will not.
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Post by rockwell on Dec 18, 2007 10:57:06 GMT -5
INSTRUCTIONS TO CEASE 4 PEACE:
1. DONT ACT OUT 2. REPEAT STEP 1.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 18, 2007 12:43:51 GMT -5
Reasons I believe in God: 1. So my mom won't be upset 2. So my dad won't get angry 3. So my agnostic friends won't argue that I can't say he doesnt exist. 4. So my ex-gf won't preach at me and "witness" 5. Is a way easier reason for me not to party. I can say "my god wont permit it" and not have to come up with a bunch of explinations.
... All the wrong reasons.
I have come to the conclusion that I am a closet atheist and have been for some time. During my christian years, I would hardly admit this, but I always had intense doubt regarding the Gospels, hell, and creation. I have always thought it was nonsense, but I have always decided to continue to believe, not because God is good, not because a fear from hell, but because I don't have a backbone and I don't want to fight with believers and agnostic believers. I just want to co-exist. So often I just default and say I'm a Universalist Christian to appease the agnostics, and just say I'm Christian to appease the Christians.
I never got along with fundamentalists anyway, and I couldn't and won't try.
As I have been opening up to my friends on my beliefs, they just keep telling me I'm confused. But the truth is I dont believe in God but I want to. I am not a Christian but I pretend to be one. I go to church.. For all the wrong reasons. I go because 1. It benefits me and encourages me not do do things I really dont want to do.
You see my deconversion has nothing to do with nihilism. I don't want anything to do with nihilism. I don't want any excuse to act out, to get back into drinking and smoking. I want a constructive life. I just don't beleive in the supernatural. I can't, but I pretend to all the time, and I probably will continue to do so to appease my friends and family.
Maybe I'll just believe one day. Maybe it'll all make sense, probably not likely. I continue to pretend to believe, because I see it as a way to help me in this life. But I really don't believe in an afterlife, or in hell, or in God, or in Thor, or in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or in anything supernatural. And that has nothing to do with my moral standings. It just has to do with the absolute truth in my heart.
I can only express that I want to live a good life, I want to be good to others, and I dont want to be self-destructive. With that in mind. I am continuing my fake guise of being a Christian who prays, volenteers, because I like that lifestyle (aside from the superstitions)
This might upset my Christian readers, but this is my journal, and I have to be honest...
The paradox in this is that I still want to pray, I still pray, just because it makes me feel better. I do it maybe out of habit, maybe because I do believe in it. But I don't. So maybe my friends are right, and I am confused. The bottom line is, I am still going to church, still partaking in religious activities, even though I really don't believe in them anymore. It's not so much that I believe in this, but it just works for me. Until I find something better, at least.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 18, 2007 13:28:13 GMT -5
I really am confused. Spiritually, and thus nihilism is setting in. With it, I feel, might as well act out. But the beauty is, I know that acting out won't make things any better. Just numb the pain of being spiritually confused... Yeah.. so no, I'm not going to act out.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 18, 2007 13:37:22 GMT -5
According Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows) - the cycle begins with the "Core Beliefs" that sex addicts hold:
1. "I am basically a bad, unworthy person." 2. "No one would love me as I am." 3. "My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others." 4. "Sex is my most important need."
These beliefs drive the addiction on its progressive and destructive course:
* Pain agent
First a pain agent is triggered / emotional discomfort (e.g. shame, anger, unresolved conflict) Sex addict is not able to take care of the pain agent in a healthy way.
* Disassociation.
Prior to acting out sexually, the sex addict goes through a period of mental preoccupation or obsession. Sex addict begins to disassociate (moves away from his feelings). A separation begins to take place between his mind and his emotional self.
* Altered state of consciousness / a trance state / bubble of euphoric fantasized experience
Sex addict is disconnected from his emotions and he becomes pre-occupied with acting out behaviours. The reality becomes blocked out/distorted.
* Preoccupation or "sexual pressure" involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy becomes an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict's thoughts become focused on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting-out sexually. He thinks about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal in order to fully eliminate feelings of the current pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before moving into the next stage of the cycle.
* Ritualization or "acting out".
These obsessions are intensified through the use of ritualization or acting out. A sex addict first cruises and then goes to a strip show to heighten his arousal until he is beyond the point of saying no. Ritualization helps to put distance between reality and sexual obsession. Rituals are a way to induce trance and further separate oneself from reality. Once the addict has begun his ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. He is giving into the pull of the compelling sex act.
* Sexual compulsivity
The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or "sex act". The tensions that the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes that he has become nothing more than a slave to the addiction.
* Despair
Almost immediately reality sets in and the addict begins to feel ashamed. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. He may feel he has betrayed spiritual beliefs, possibly a partner, and his or her own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this will be the last battle.
For many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself (Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006).
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 18, 2007 13:38:40 GMT -5
I am somewhere in Pain Agent and Disassociation right now. Regardless, its not an excuse to act out.
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 18, 2007 15:49:11 GMT -5
Wow C4P - You've really been doing a lot of thinking lately! Right there with ya bro. A lot of us don't like the word "God" but use something else like "Spirit", "Universe", "Higher Self", "Nature", etc. I'm in that category and don't feel like I have any hang-ups on the subject. I've never wanted to join a religion but consider myself spiritual for sure. Peace with ya bro, sh
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 19, 2007 15:39:42 GMT -5
Thanks sh, I am going through a lot spiritually. More or less I am very confused. But I am not giving up on Christianity just yet. I like it too much..
I would like to say that I am on Day 14. Still very much clean and sober.
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Dec 19, 2007 22:00:42 GMT -5
C4P,
This is the most serious I have seen you about your sobriety. While you are confused about alot of things going on right now, you are still keeping a realistic approach to it.
In the past, I have to admit that you have driven me about crazy with your struggles. Sometimes, I have wanted to reach out and smack you in the face and say "wake the bleep up". But I know that this is all part of your journey and everyone's is different. What works for me is not going to work for you and vice versa.
I pray that you can continue on this philisophical journey in a positive way. As a Christian, I pray that you choose Christ but its your choice not mine. Please keep thinking and working through this.
Gregg70
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Dec 19, 2007 23:49:11 GMT -5
Thanks Gregg.
I am struggling much philosophically, but somehow I have found my addictive behavior in a philosophical idealogy like "Nihilism" - as I understand it. What I mean, is basically that nothin matters. doesn't matter what I do, I die in the end, so might as well....you know.
And that's the biggest crock of sh@@ in my life. YOu know why? Because my life matters! My progression matters! My integrity matters! My honesty matters! Why is it that I don't like porn? Because it ruined my life, and it could have been worse. Because I have a tendency to overdo it. It makes me feel guilty afterwards, and it ruins my connection with women. It objectivies them, it crosses out intamicy. Wow I could on and on.
I am very much passionate about a positive life. A life with accomplishments, and achievements. I do not want pornography in my life anymore. I'm so glad I am done with it.
Finishing Day 14 off. I had minor urges today.
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Post by rockwell on Dec 20, 2007 13:25:57 GMT -5
Cease,
Ask Seek Knock
That is my advice to you. Generic as it may be, there is power in those three words. Take care.
Rock
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gregg70
Full Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posts: 248
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Post by gregg70 on Dec 20, 2007 23:09:46 GMT -5
Who is this man? What did he do with C4P?
Great statement. I have never seen you say that you are done with it. Now I have and even better, I believe you. Great start on this new journey.
Gregg70
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Post by C2M on Dec 24, 2007 20:54:49 GMT -5
Hi C4P, i've managed to read the first couple of pages of your journal and compared to your last few entries you have truly grown as a person. That in my eyes is more of an achievement then days of soberity.
C2M
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