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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 20, 2007 15:12:13 GMT -5
Day 0 - I acted out today at work because the boss was gone. I should have kept myself busy and instead figured I'd play with an image search which lead to surfing for p. Out of anguish I went across the street and bought a bag of chips and a calzone. Ate both.. Now I feel fat... lol
So tomorrow I'll try again.
Exercise: None Food: Ate too much Sleep: Went to bed last night at 12:30am, woke up at 9:00am today Hygene: Did not brush teeth or wash self today, wearing same clothes as yesterday.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 21, 2007 12:16:56 GMT -5
Day 1 - I acted out yesterday.. I'm feeling weary.. I feel like giving up.. Like this is too much work.. but I'm not going to. Today is Church day with my bro. The drive is half hour and its at 6:30pm. I really dont feel like going. But I should. It's in 5 hours.. so maybe I'll change my mind. I dont feel like doing anything but vegging today.. Maybe I'll just play video games and eat.. Perhaps do the dishes at they've piled up. I'll modify this post later as the day continues
Exercise: None Food: Just some cereal Sleep: Went to bed at 12:30am, woke up at 1:15pm (just a few mins ago) ahh 13 hrs feels good, could sleep more though. Hygene: Feel like a slob.. wearing dirty clothes.. same as yesterday. Dont feel like showering though.. maybe I will.. We'll see.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 21, 2007 16:17:34 GMT -5
I'm feeling weary.. I feel like giving up.. Like this is too much work.. but I'm not going to. Congratulations for making the decision to do the hard work and continue your one day sobriety into another day. That's really super.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 21, 2007 21:20:22 GMT -5
Day 1 (In sobriety) Continued
Thanks LookingUp. I appreciate your kind words. I'll try to keep my chin up. Let me update with Day 1 - as I conclude it.
I went to church at 6:30pm today. I really didnt feel like going. in fact.. I was perfectly fine in my boxers chillin on my couch unbathed, unshaven, etc. But 5:00 rolled around and I knew my gf would be upset if I didn't go.. So I went ahead and showered.. amazing because I haven't showered in days. Anyways.. I went Josh's house next store, he wasn't home, discouraged I went to my bros house.. he didn't want to go.. so I ended up going to church by myself.. Feeling lonely and depressed. BUT the message was great and I took a lot of notes.. Then I came home played some video games.. Then Josh came over, I cooked spaghetti! Really excited.. and did dishes!! wow...I put too much vegetable oil in the spapghetti but I'm gonna keep on cooking and not going out to eat anymore.. it costs too much money.
Exercise: None Food: Half a box of Kix and spaghetti Sleep (13 hours as said before) Hygene: Brushed teeth, showered, wore clean clothes, did dishes. Sobriety: 1 Day
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 22, 2007 6:58:23 GMT -5
Day 2 (In sobriety)
Just got up to my gf text messaging me. This guy named steve bought her a really nice necklace for her bday(which is today) I'm jelous and fumin. I have jealousy issues. I want to be the only guy who gives her stuff, or the only guy she talks too, etc. But then I dont want to be controlling. and I knew going into this relationship that she has lots of guy friends, and that guys like her more than girls so yeah. I'm just going to continue to trust her. She is a very godly person and I know she wouldnt cheat. Its just hard on me... Church is today.. Ended up not going. I'm not comfortable at this new church...Besides I went last night.. The day ends with a fight with the GF. Un-intended. I was telling her about the sermon tonight, she fell asleep. THen I proceeded to complain about my life and feel sorry for myself, which made her mad as well. Now she's upset with me.. I feel like crap .. oh well.. life goes on.. All I know is that I'm not going to look at porn or masturbate now... as they say..
STATUS (Red = Failure, Green = Success) Exercise: 30 min power walk Food: McDonalds Breakfast sandwich 6 suzxy q's, 2 double cheese burgers, ice cream cone ( way too much food!!!) Sleep: 100am to 7:30am (7.5 hours) and then 1:00pm to 8:00pm (7 hours again.. 14.5 total for today) Hygene: Showered, teeth unbrushed, Sobriety: 2 Days
Post will be edited as day continues, unless there's a reply, then I'll just repost with an update.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 23, 2007 7:15:19 GMT -5
Day 0 of Sobriety
8:00am - My gf woke me up a little earlier than normal.. I couldn't sleep last night that well. I vented @ her and she took it personally, even though I wasnt even directing my frustrations at her.. So that caused me to stress all night because I was beating myself up over it. I can really, really, beat myself up over things... Anyway.. Today is a new day.. The "addict within" whom I also call the flesh, isn't going to get his way today!!!
10:30am - I went to my gfs profile on myspace.. seems that she's still uploading photos to webdate.. yeah she puts she's taken.. it just really irritates me that she has to be on a personals site and we're together. I'm really mad at her right now.. I just don't want to talk to her anymore.. Just waiting for this anger to pass...
12:30pm - The anger is gone.. I'm feeling better now.. I did almost screw up though.. I Went on myspace to check my messages.. nothing.. then I saw a funny video.. then in the comments someone posted a thing about "myspace for adults" so I checked it out and prodded around.. saw some sexual images but no nudity.. it almost through me over, but I stopped.. I cant believe how twisted my mind is.. How I have to work against myself to succeed.. It's just so strange.. Anyway.. I love my gf.. I have a hard time with trust sometiems.. and it hurts her feelings.. So I choose to trust her in times of doubt. And sometimes I just gotta relax and wait things out..
1:30pm - Feeling like dirt. I can't believe I looked for images or hints of sex on myspace. I have a way of deceiving myself.. that looking at swimsuits or maybe just pretty ladies is ok.. What total lies.. I didnt slip into P or MBing, but gosh this is something that has got me to do so many times. Whats wrong with me? Its like there are two of me's fighting each other. Ugh.. I'm tired.. I dotn want to work.. I think I'll take a nap....My SA group is today.. I better be there or be square..
4:15pm - I looked at porn again... I was bored and on the internet. - A Deadly combination. Now I have to pick myself up, and try again.
10:00pm - The 12-step group tonight was amazing. I really felt encouraged to believe in myself... Not forever, but just for today.. just for now!!! Talked to my gf, and we got along great. My bro who is struggling with a drug addiction went with me and hated the 12 step group he went in.. said it made him wanted to do more drugs, this made me angry, but I didn't show my anger, I held it in and was kind to him. I just want him to find whatever works.. But I think he's just being a stubborn jerk..
STATUS (Red = Failure, Green = Success) Exercise: None Food: Some Kix cereal, 2 Suzy Q's, 2 packs of crackers, bowl of soup, 2 bowls of spaghetti, some chocolate. Sleep: 2:30am to 6:30am, 1:30pm to 2:30pm (5 hours) Hygene: Fresh shirt, same shorts, teeth unbrushed yet again.. ugh.. Sobriety: 0 Days.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 24, 2007 7:22:39 GMT -5
8:30am - Checking in.. Brushed my teeth today.. Starving and have nothing to eat. But Im fat anyways.. Hoping I'm not secretly setting myself up.. 9:15am LAziness.. Freakin laziness. I just want to stop being lazy!!! ARGH!!! Ok no internet 10:00am - LAziness lead to search-engine surfing which lead to acting out. Again, I acted out again. @#$@#$ 11:30am - Told my girlfriend.. she's pissed! She basically said some things like "maybe you'll get caught next time" - etc. and "Why cant you control yourself whats wrong with you" - all stuff I've said to myself a million times. I told her "you sound like me to myself" - I dont blame her... But I'm kinda pissed because she should love me anyways.. oh wait a minute.. where am I again? Blah.. It dont matter. For the sake of honesty.. I'm not going to lie this woman. If she leaves then I didn't deserve her anyways. I love her to death, and I'm not going to lie to her. 12:00 - I'm mad.. I want to be rebellious.. I Want to say screw this lifestyle.. leave me alone everyone: and run to drugs and alcohol. atleast my party friends asccept me for who I am... but that's an all out lie.. I'm trapped.. between misery and misery.. and there's no way I can find gratification without shame lurking at the end of the corner. 9:15pm After reading this article I had a life changing moment. I'm on a pink cloud probably, but I have decided to take ACTION. No longer am I going to sit and be miserable. I've decided to force myself to be in a good mood, to make myself active and not lethargic, to exercise and to eat healthy. I think this is what I need to do in order to help prevent the acting of the out. I Dont know.. But I am feeling more hopeful then I have in days. I thank Jesus for helping me find this site. Yeah.. So there.. Exercise: 30 Mins Cardio Food: Some fruit, some corn chips, and a big McDonalds breakfast Sleep: 12:00am to 7:30am (7.5 hours) Hygene: Teeth brushed, not showered. Sobriety: 0 Days
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 25, 2007 7:05:24 GMT -5
8:00 Checking in. Hopeful. With a new plan.. to eat right, to drink right, and to keep myself alert without caffeine, I think I may be on the right track!! We'll see..
1:45 Not letting things get to me anymore. SOmetimes by lettming something bother me more than it should I cause myself to fall into a pit of despair. I'm learning that one of the root causes of this addiction is depression. So I'm putting up a fight to be in a happy mood. I am eating right, exercising, and aiming to sleep right. I have to focus on work more too. Gotta be more productive and God will take care of the rest... I couldn't do it without knowing that God has my back!
15:30 I ate too much again.. to omany chips.,. now I feel the depression setting in.. It's true.. eating leads to depresion and depression leads to acting out. I have to pick myself up and try again. Atlleast I'm not acting out..
Exercise: None Food: Bowl of Cereal, ham sandwich, grapes, oranges, cherries, bag of fritos Sleep: 11:00pm to 7:00am (8 hours) Hygene: Teeth Brushed, unshowered Sobriety: 1 Day
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 26, 2007 8:50:10 GMT -5
10:00am Ate some cereal, had some networking problems at work, and had to reinstall the wires.. Wireless just didnt work out like we hoped. I've got a lot of work to do so that should keep me busy.
Exercise: None Food: Bowl of cereal Sleep: 11:00pm to 8:00am(9 hours) Hygene: no brushin no showerin Sobriety: 2 Days.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 30, 2007 9:09:46 GMT -5
10:00AM - Today I'm a bit tired.. been sick since I last posted, but I am now in recovery. Still sober! Just thought I'd check in and continue on.
14:00 - Fighting bouts of doubt today. Not only that, but I'm also trying to help on the boards but not sure if what I'm saying is helpful. So I'm scared to post... I also had thoughts and memories of my old favorite P Sites pass through my mind. I know I can beat this.. I can get through this.. I understand what they mean when they say "fight for now" because right now I cant even think about tomorrow. I can only focus on not looking at P.
Exercise: None Food: chex mix, 2 boxes totinos pizza rolls. Sleep: 11:30pm to 7:00am (7.5 hrs) Hygene: None Sobriety: 6 Days
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Jul 31, 2007 8:33:28 GMT -5
9:30 - A bit dissapointed because I can't seem to keep my hygene under control. I slept in too late and am late for work as well. No wonrder I want to act out! So I want to act out today.. Not as strongly as yesterday. It's a shame because I can't paruse the web because every site I go to I sexualize. That's a friggen shame. I guess its time to work today. 11:30 - I ate too much.. drank some water... havent worked much.. am tired... Perused the web.. looked at a few P sites.. but didn't MB. So I consider myself still sober.. although I I'm getting really frustrated with myself. I hate the computer right now.. wish I could get off of it but I'm stuck on it for 5 more hours.. @#$%@#$%@#% 12:45 I don't want to do a damn thing right now. I feel kinda sick.. I have a cold.. I dont want to fight this porn addiction anymore.. I feel like. If you can't beat em.. join em! BUT I CAN BEAT TEHM. I'm not gonna act otu. I want to so bad right now @#$#@ 13:45 Crikey!! It happened.. 15:15 I'm tired as hell. I just told my gf about my acting out. I'm pretty sure I'll lose her. I dont want to. I really dont. But it doesnt matter I can still act out any way. That makes me a true PA. I have lost the will to fight this. I figure maybe tomorrow.. maybe tomorrow... 23:30 Well. I didnt go to bed. I took some soundful advice with hardly any willingness, and exercised, then went to church, then visited my parents, and I'm so glad I did!!! Praise God!! Ahh yess! Looking forward to getting tomorrow done right. Exercise: 30 mins hard cardio Food: Taco Bell, Totinos, chex mix Sleep: 10:00pm to 8:30am (10.5 hours) Hygene: Teeth brushed, showered Sobriety: half a day
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 1, 2007 7:09:33 GMT -5
8:15 - Hopeful today. Gonna work hard. I brushed my teeth. Gonna shower when I get home from work.
14:15 - Looked at P today.. googled it up.. Moron!! argh. I'm going to reset my counter.. I didnt MB, but I'm just going to reset my counter.. from this day forward (the rest of this day) I plan on not even looking @ P. Myspace usually gets my wheels turning, and then even staring blankly at google gets me going too. I'm going to avoid that stuff...
Exercise: None, cardio planned Food: Ate a McDonalds breakfast sammich, Ate half a box of cheezits, and ate a whole thing of fruit.. jeeze.. Sleep: 1:00 to 7:00 (6 hours) need more than that! Hygene: Teef brushed, showering planned Sobriety 0 Days
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 2, 2007 7:01:54 GMT -5
8:00 - Exercised, Brushed teeth, took a shower! Ate breakfast! Wow I feel like a real man today Now its off to the races! 9:00 - Looked at myspace twice, didnt do much, didnt lust, so I didnt screw up. Did it out of habit too. I quickly logged out. Am glad I didnt lust. I think I'm going to journal everytime I lust. This might help me better. 13:30 - Starting to see how serious this addiction is.. How seriously evil it is, how dangerous it is, and how I shouldn't even think about wanting to look at this garbage(P). I thank God that my GF hasn't left me. I deserver worse, but I am laser-focused on recovery, and hopefully will never ever ever ever P or MB again. 11:20 - Praise the Lord!!! I had such a wonderful day and it's all because I took good care of myself, went to church, didn't slack off at work, studied the word of God, prayed, and just worked at being a GOOD MAN!! I really believe that we should always always always be thankful! I'm also spending a lot more time in prayer with my girlfriend. I have been very honest with her about this addiction, and she is being much more supportive then I thought and I am so thankful and I feel confident that I can be honest with her always. If I lie to her I'm going to destroy her, our relationship, and end up lonely and single and I can't let that happen. I pray to God to give keep me pure and upright and honest. I pray to God to keep me sanctified, I dont ever want to look at P or MB again and I believe that with God's help I wont have to!! Just gotta continue working the plan, and being honest as hell and I KNOW I'll get past this!! Guess what todays word at church was about.. To be thankful!! So from now on, I'm going to state things I'm thankful for and reflect on them. I think this is good advice for both Christians and non-Christians. Whats wrong in counting all the good things? Nothing! So, without further ado, I think I'll brush my teeth and Go to bed HAPPY! Exercise: Cardio 25 mins, 30 mins Upper body weight lifting Food: Bagel, Some cheezits, subway, Protein Shake Sleep: 12:15am to 6:00 (5.75 hours) Hygene: Excellent Sobriety 1 Day
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 3, 2007 7:41:13 GMT -5
8:45 - Slept in today. Wanted to go to teh gym so I am dissapointed with myself.. slightly, but atleast I made it through yseterday.. I feel lazy today... Also I have that nagging feeling to give in to lust. I am not going to however, because I know all too well how devistating it is, and I really want to recover.. I just dont feel like working.. can both be done?
11:45 Prayed with the GF, I feel better. I am now going to do some work! Boss man isnt here, so things could get risky. I am not going to though, no I am not.
15:00 - Some jerk posted a ton of porn on these forums and I looked. I looked LONGER than I should have, so now I'm restarting the counter. ALso told me GF that I looked longer than I should, and well, she was unhappy, but forgave me.. thank God. I gotta be on my toes not to even LOOK..
Exercise: None Food: 2 Bagels, bag of fritos, shredded cheese, ice cream cookie Sleep: 11:30pm to 7:00 (7.50 hours) Hygene: Fair (unshowered, teeth brushed) Sobriety: 0 Days
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Aug 6, 2007 7:17:21 GMT -5
8:15 - Took the weekend off from journaling. Kinda upset that I'm slipping with hygene and exercise and eating too much, bad habits are hard to break.
9:45pm Emotional well-being is on the fritz, hygene levels are poor, ate too much today. I feel like crap. However, I will not look at P, that stuff is disgusting.
Also, Tonight the mens group was great, and so was the prayer with my gf. Atleast I am honest with her, I just hope that I can stop being a fat-lard and get my act together.
Exercise: None Food: None Sleep: 8 hrs Hygene: Poor Sobriety: 2 Days
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