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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 14, 2007 11:35:14 GMT -5
I acted out today Would have been 14 days.. would have been. But I messed up.
I'm now on day 0.
I messed up again. This time I fooled myself into thinking cartoons were ok, I knew this was a bad idea deep down, but I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit, or my better judgement, and gave into my inner addict's whiney voice.
If I would have been focusing on recovery, this would have not happened.
It sucks that this is so hard to do, it really does. I don't like the fact that I have to work so hard to be in recovery, and I feel that it shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong, I want an easy way out, a free-ticket.. but there isn't one.
I just have to work hard, that's all I know.
Reflections I guess I'll be reflecting some more and thinking about what I should be doing.
Here's what I stopped doing recently. 1. Bible Time 2. Working 3. That's it I guess
.. Really I think I need to increase my Bible Time and need to be working harder at work. It's hard when there is hardly any motivation from the outside to work. I'm here in the office alone, and the phone isnt ringing.
Telling the Girlfriend I told the girlfriend. I did not want to, I really don't want to make her sad or create animosity between us. Even one of the men from my SA group told me not to tell my GF if I slip. But I have to tell her.
I'm telling her because I would rather be single I seriously would. Part of me wants to end it because I don't want to hurt her. But she wants to be in this with me.. So I'll be honest anyways. If she leaves because I can't stop from acting out then it's better that way. It really is..
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 14, 2007 14:39:10 GMT -5
I don't know if this list is overly ambitious but I don't think so. Most of it consists of questions that I must answer truthfully. A smaller part of it involves action (some of it daily) on my part. I don't see anything missing that needs to be there. I propose to do this list each evening or the subsequent morning (in case I am too tired to do it properly). Thanks John, I'm going to borrow this for today.. I'm thinking this might help.. anyway after failing I'm desparate so here goes. ACTIONPray in the morning - Yes Read recovery literature daily - No Read and post on the board daily - Yes Call someone in recovery daily - No Pray again, and thank God daily for sobriety - Yes HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITYAm I hiding thoughts, fantasies, or mental processes from my sponsor, the fellowship, or the board? Not that I'm aware of Have I told any lies or been deceitful today? Yes, I I lied to myself. I also said I acted out today but left out the fact that I actyed out 3 times today. I figure just saying acted out is good enough for my girlfriend, the board, etc. But since this question popped up I thought perhaps maybe I shoudl be even more honest and say I screwed up 3 times today.. the second two tiems were a "well I screwed up might as well continue" attitude which is retarted. I stand firm that my gf ought not know the details unless she asks. I do still feel honest with her because I told her and she didnt seem interested in knowing the details. Have I been fearful or resentful? fearful and resentful. afraid of not being able to do this. Resentful of myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have I been selfish or manipulative? Manipulated myself into acting out WILLFULNESSHave I turned my will over today or am I being willful? No, I didnt. If Ih ave turend my will over to God today, I would have done my freakin job. Did I feel defensive or resentful towards someone who offered help today? Why? - No Have I rejected or ignored advice related to recovery today? Why? No advice given today MAXIMIZED THINKING
Have I done what I should have done today for my recovery? No I have not.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 16, 2007 15:05:59 GMT -5
Going to try something new.. Just a quick checkin to make journaling a bit less burdensom. Physical Check in: I feel pretty good, my foot is still messed up but I'm planning on gyming tomorrow. Emotional Check in: I feel better, a lot better, because of church today. Spiritual Check in: Spiritually I feel alive, more closer to God then ever before.
The facts: Today I got up early and went to church, I then bought a 2 liter of diet coke and drank about half of it. Pastor asked me to make up flyers for the church so I did, I also stamped some things for him as well. Talked to Annette from church for a bit, and spent about half an hour praying to God, and then around 15 minutes reading the Bible about Balaam and the Donkey.
Anything I need to get off my chest: No I feel pretty good, just looking forward for the day to continue on. Going bafck to church and eating dinner there, then I plan on getting home and talking to my gf then going to bed.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 18, 2007 7:17:42 GMT -5
Facts: Just woke up, havent hate bfast yet. am anxious to do so. h3h8m3 and some other PA's think I need to quit my job or something crazylike that. I think I will if I have exhausted all other options but I have not yet. So I'll stick with the 12 steps which ironically has "radical amputation" in it's program as well.
Feelings:
Emotionally: I feel up, I'm in love with my gf, which could be scary or good, who knows? I just cant not be in love with this girl, she's amazing.
Spiritually: CLoser to God then ever before. Spending more time with Him, and it's starting to change my life.
Physically: Great, because, well, I am tired, but still great, becasue I'm exercising again.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 18, 2007 19:56:17 GMT -5
Facts: Winding down, and preparing to go to bed. Today I worked but spent most of my work-time goofing off which is harmful to recovery. I am going to set a goal to spend only 1 hour broken up in different timslots online while at work. That's considerably less then the 6 hours I spent yesterday.. and the day before.. and the day before... hah.
Feelings:
Emotionally: I feel content that I will be good and sober. I am a bit undecided on some theological aspects of the Bible but I am content that God will work it out. Right now I need God more than ever for my sobriety, so I could really care less about theological discrepancies. Argued with my gf over evangelism, which wasn't very rewarding but oh well, I love her anyway. I have discovered that my girlfriend leaves herself too vulnerable to people. IF someone disagrees with her she really gets discouraged and upset too easily. I do not know how to handle this, but I plan on being more tender with her, and recognize that her heart is over exposed and will attempt to not harm her.
Spiritually: I do feel closer to God, but I feel like I neglected him today, how mis fortunate of me.
Physically: I wanted to go to the gym but a guy who is lonely and who I feel sorry for, he is in AA came over and wanted to hang out so I spent time with him instead. I do have love for him.
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odysseus
Junior Member
Celebrating the beauty and grandeur of the cosmos...
Posts: 76
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Post by odysseus on Sept 18, 2007 20:17:12 GMT -5
Congrats on another day p-free! while it's nice to have one's theological persuasions all figured out, i think it's more important to DO the right thing, and it sure seems like you did that with your AA friend (whatever you do to the least of my brethren...)
thanks for your refreshingly honest posts, cease4peace, i enjoy reading them.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 18, 2007 21:12:46 GMT -5
Thank you for your encouraging words odysseus! I'm glad you enjoy reading them, and I am thankful that I spent time with J(AA friend)
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 19, 2007 7:56:36 GMT -5
Good morning.
Prayer: Oh most high and merciful God, one who thinks nothing but Good for me, who is not condemning and filled with Grace, hear my petition unto you. Lord, break the chains of addiction in my life. Lord let me be a light to the world, let me be cheerful, let me do what is right, and let me think not on the trivial. Lord, let me be a blessing to others, let me be a blessing to my employer. Oh God, guard over my heart and my mind, watch over my hands and my eyes. Let me be aware of my surroundings, and let me not fall into temptation. I thank you for your grace. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
Facts: I am learning something crucial about communication with people that I have not known and would have never discovered but because of my addiction I am learning alot about boundaries and vulnerability. This has been helpful in reconciling differences between me and my gf. Thankfully, she is very supportive of me in my struggle with lust, so much that our differences are always something waay off that subject. But I am learning how to agree to disagree, which is something I struggled with but because of recovery it is now something I am overcoming!
Feelings:
Physical: I feel somewhat tired, but energetic, I feel good about today.
Emotional: I am ready to take on the day and do my work, I plano n spending much less time on these forums today, so I can do my work and do the right thing.
Spiritual: I spent alone time with God last night. Honestly, pouring out my heart to God and having a one on one with him is simply amazing.
Affirmation: Today I will be porn free, and I will not masturbate.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 19, 2007 15:16:49 GMT -5
Work is over:
Facts: I worked not as hard as intended, but I did do some work. I plan on working even harder tomorrow. I am looking forward to talking with a good pastor i know within a few minutes so I'll keep things short.
Physical: Been sitting down all day so I feel a bit drained. I hope I can make some time for going to the gym this evening but I am unsure as the time I'll be spending with a friend is not known.
Emotional: I feel a bit bothered by Christians who are anti-12 step. It goes in line with the thinking that "saved christians shouldnt be sinning and Christ just does all the work for them" but SCF is nothing but a program just like any other program and they call themselves just a 60 day lesson program and that's it. SCF didnt work for me, so I'm going with the 12 steps. What bothers me is SCF has an anti-12 step article. All the way until now I have seen nothin but Christian support for 12 steps including my church. It's funny because I see SCF and 12 steps looking exactly the same. If Any christian thinks they can get "cured" from inclinations to sin they're sadly mistaken, that's not what Christianity is about and that's surely what SCF claims it is to be. What a lame ideology.
Spiritual: I plan spending some serious time prayer tonight.
Affirmation: For the rest of the day I'm not looking at porn or masturbating.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 20, 2007 8:03:43 GMT -5
A new Day Has begun:
Facts: My gf is sick, and so she called me at 6:30 this morning and we chatted a bit. I was unhappy at first when she called me before 7 as sleep is precious to me but in sacrifice I was kind and then she ended up keeping me up until 7:30; from there I had to go to work. I'm glad I got to spend time with her. I am now at work and I have a ton of it to do and I feel lazy.
Emotions:
Phyiscal: I'm not getting enough sleep at night. I also need to chill out on the caffeine.
Emotional: Anxiety, I have a lot of work to do..
Spiritual: I feel connected. Did some prayer las night, and plan on praying some more today. I do need to read the Bible more, and that is in plan for today as well. Today is church day so that shoudl help.
Affirmation: I will NOT look at porn or masturbate today, and I will work hard.
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odysseus
Junior Member
Celebrating the beauty and grandeur of the cosmos...
Posts: 76
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Post by odysseus on Sept 20, 2007 18:32:44 GMT -5
hi there c4p,
thanks for posting so regularly, both here and on other threads. regardless of progress, it is inspiring to see someone so committed to their recovery, it really is.
i was thinking about the link you've been making between work ethic and P. i guess i never really thought about it, but procrastination and laziness really do make me more likely to act out, so i need to be more disciplined as well. that is going to be my lesson of the day, and i thank you for helping me to realize that.
peace, and stay strong!
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 21, 2007 11:24:46 GMT -5
Thanks Odyss, I appreciate you reading my journal, I also appreciate your encouragement, it really makes a difference in my hopes for abstinence.
Checking in today:
Facts: I am not working like I should, today I am by myself and it i s hard to motivate myself, that is getting old and reating shame so I should just hop to it. It is 12:30, eben here since 8 and have not lifted a finger. That is not good!!!
Physical: I am tired, I have been getting 5 hours of sleep every night for the best 5 days and I need to catch up.
Spiritual: I feel connected, but I could be closer. I spent some time with God last night in prayer, and that helped.
Emotional: I feel anxious because I'm here by myself, I could easily be acting out but I have affirmed not to.
Affirmation: I WILL WORK today, I will NOT look at Porn, or Masturbate Today.
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 22, 2007 9:06:38 GMT -5
Good morning folks: Facts: I went to sleep yesterday at 5:00pm and woke up several times when the gf called and talked to her a bit as she is going through an extremely stressful time of being kicked out and having to move. She's very upset So I talked to her off and on but focused on getting as much rest as possible as I have been getting 4 hour nights every day for a week. I slept from 5:00pm until 8:00am this morning. Talked with my gf a bit and we got into a minor argument as she told me that "I talk to my friend Jay about you a LOT" that freaked me out because I hate it when people talk about me, good or bad it just freaks me out. But we're past the argument and I'm back to being sober and she's back to being stressed about moving. We prayed together and I hope she's ok. Physical: I feel somewhat tired, but somewhat ok. Emotional: I feel easy goin right now, but a little anxious as I have to clean my house. Spiritual: I feel like God is with me, I praise his holy name Affirmation: I will not look at Porn or Masturbate today.
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Post by empower on Sept 23, 2007 11:51:53 GMT -5
Hi cease4peace - thanks for all your support in my journal. Much appreciated!
Empower
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Post by ≈ cease4peace ≈ on Sept 23, 2007 23:09:58 GMT -5
Thanks empower,
It's 12:00am and I am just about ready to shove off to dream-land. Thought I'd check in the boards before its all over.
Facts: Got up early, went to church, we all prayed for each other, it was very edifying. Faith building, etc. Went home and read the boards a bit more then took a nap, woke up and went to dinner at church, enjoyed service, they let me sing there. I really love my church because they let me take part in their activities. I'm thankful for that. I get to get up in front of peeps and sing, and I make flyers for them etc, I'm glad I'm actually doing more than seat warming.
Physical: I'm pretty tired, good I'll rest well tonight!
Emotional: I feel ok, I had to tell this lady at church that I even if I didn't have a gf I wouldn't date her. Its strange how women from church in their 40-50 range have formed a special likin to me. This is the second one. Shoot, if they only knew... I'm glad and very happy with my gf, I love my gf so much.
Spiritual: I feel stronger, there's a lot that's been on my mind and the preacher today sorta spoke on what I've been thinkin about, which was very edifying for me.
Affirmation: No P and MB for me.
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