cease4peace's Journal

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

Good morning fellers!

It's 9:15am and I have begun my day at work. Wednesday my gf comes to town so I wont be online for a whole week (I will certainly miss this place) as I've started to really enjoy these boards. I guess it goes to show that the right attitude is all that's needed when in the midst of diverse belief sets and strife. I thank Jesus for that, as he's been the one who has given me wisdom and discernment.

Facts: Still early, need to work some more, really do. Posting and reading ont he boards a bit.. but I'm gonna have to get to work. I dont really feel any urge to act out today, which is a good thing, I loathe the day temptation comes as surely it will someday. But for now as pathwalker always says: I'm just going to worry about today.

Feelings Check-in

Physical: I didnt egt much sleep but surprisingly I feel rejuvenated.

Emotional: I feel anxious about working today and about my gf comign to town.

Spiritual: I feel closer to God than ever because I share with him things I dont share with anyone else!! That is the secret to this relationship with God that I didnt understand in my last hurrah with Religion. I've bounced back and fourth from atheist to agnostic to christian so many times in my life, but for once, I really feel at home with Christianity. Praise God.

Affirmation: No P or MB for this guy! NOPE!

[unico]

Way to go C4P. Been really good having you on the Sec Circle. Keep up the good work

Unico

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

Hi Unico thanks alot I really appreciate the secular circle Thanks for your words of encouragement.

commence angry rant
I jsut have been reflecting on my living situation and my living expenses and I have noticed that over the last two years I make 200 less a week. I also spend 200 more a month for heating and electricity that I didnt have last year. Livign expenses have gone up, Pay has gone down, need I say more? I guess I could rant for several paragrahs about how my living expenses went up and my pay went down, but really I dont need to say anything else other then I'm pretty upset and somewhat triggered by it. Needless to say, I wont be looking at P or MB because that's just not an option for me. I could always down a cake or two but that's not an option either. Perhaps I could drink a 40 but that's not an option either, maybe smoke a pack of cigs but thats not an option either. No running from these emotions, no sirree. Time to face the fire and let it burn off the un-needed spiritual fat.

[odysseus]

hi c4p,

i'm glad you come here and write so often, i also find it very helpful to put my feelings in writing (i enjoyed your poem on another thread as well!). hope you have a great week with your gf, we'll be looking forward to your supportive posts when you return! oh, and nice avatar, btw, what a great symbol for what we're all trying to accomplish here

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

I'm going away for a while.. Gonna be offline from tomorrow until the 4th of October. Thanks odyss for your support I really appreciate your words of encouragement and your attitude on these boards. Stay positive, I'll keep you in my prayers as I spend time away from these boards. I truly hope to come back reporting I'm still good and sober. I ask for everyone to pray for me. God bless, c4p

[Mayberry]

Happy birthday, C4P! I will hold you in my prayers. J

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

Day 18 of no P or MB
Back from Vacation

The Facts: Hello boys n girls!!!! I had an awesome vacation with my wonderful girlfriend and we enjoyed each other without partaking in any borderline behaviors, it was just pure and filled with good times. We went to a castle and visited all the rooms including the garden, took lots of pictures, it was beautiful. Then we went to a nature center that has around 500 acres of preserved land and had original cabins restored from 1800 and barns etc, including lots of nice trails to hike with natural treasures to find such as fossils and waterfalls. It was awe to the some!! With all the time together, I had no time to spend on a computer, which was great, and indeed made working on my sobriety easier. Tomorrow I head back to work, back to the same ole same ole.

Feelings Check-in:

Physical: We ate out alot so I feel a bit fat. I plan on doing some more exercise as the week continues. I am a bit tired, didn't get much sleep the vacation week so I plan on doing some catchup today.

Emotional: I feel both happy and lonely. I miss my gf, man do I love her! I am happy we had a great time (again) and am also happy that I am still clean and sober.

Spiritual: I feel closer to God, as we didn't kiss or anything and kept things pure this time around. I feel like God is speaking "Well done" to me..

Peace out, thanks for reading,

[odysseus]

good to have you back, c4p, i'm glad you're vacation was so great!

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

Day 19
Thanks odysseus!

Today has been very busy at work. I've been unable to browse the boards as much as I wanted to because 2 computers fried and I had to get to work. I also was busy with church and hanging out with my buddy from AA.

Facts: Yes, today has been busy, too busy for me to really get some good "board" time. I hope to get more on the boards tomorrow, the secular circle is also calling my name.

Feelings Checkin:

Spiritual: Dry, I don't really feel connected today. I'll get into some prayer tonight and hopefully that'll change.

Emotional: Sad, I miss my gf. sometimes I think, what the heck is the point.. But I love her.. I love her so much. and I'll wait for her..

Physical: Fat, I ate too much, I need to get healthy again and fast. Man it seems like there's always something wrong wit hme and sometihng I need to do..

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

I messed up at home today on my personal laptop. Been lazing around the house all day doing nothin, got too comfortable and too bored. Despite the many chances I had to run away from temptation, I let it linger and liner and linger and... it took me.

I should have known better

[arctic]

Hey C4P,

Sorry to hear about what happened mate. You've been doing really great recently though, and I think that you'll be able to pick yourself right up again and get going. And I know all about the lingering temptation C4P (I guess we all do). It's gotten me a couple of times, but now that I've started dabbling in the addictive voice recognition business, I believe that I've been able to locate the weakness of temptation. Well, you know what I'm always on about.
Don't worry C4P or beat yourself down for what happened. What's been has been, and cannot be changed. Now it's time to try again, a bit wiser than before.

Arctic

[timoteiy]

Hi c4p

You slipped, screwed up, whatever. Your back though.

I did too. Not with porn, just masturbation, fantasy. I know the feeling that you get after you have been feeding the lust after awhile- you're thinking changes- you get sucked into it.

Lets get back some sobriety

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

Thank you guys... for being there..

So it's in the past, time to move on, and despite how painful itg is and everything, the support... I still have temptation.. It's lingering on me really strong right now.. Mainly because I just did it today, might as well do it again.. you know that tired old childish logic that just seems to be so prevelent in the addictive mind it makes me sick.

I wish that the sinners prayer was all I needed to live a good and righteous life. But it's much more than a simple prayer but a complete struggle against the childish desires to destroy myself. It's being selfless, and putting aside my will for something so much better. (ie: God's will) So much easier said then done and it's tossed around the pew's so much it seems like something people just spout at church without ever really letting that whole idea even sink into their minds. It sinks in my mind deeply and by me screwing up it's only another tormentive way of exemplifying how badly I messed up.

Time just keeps on ticking it's endless and it just goes on and on and on and on and I can't get my head out of my rear and just clean my house.. Do some dishes, clean up the clutter, polish the wood, get into the bible, be of good cheer...

Right now I'm sour.. But tomorrow will be a better day.. I will continue on this path that is laid before me. I will continue to stay away from Porn and Masturbation. So it happened earlier today.. but the past is the past.. it's time to move forward.. and to make some effort into living for God.

The only thing I can figure out is that I did a lot of things wrong today. I overslept and I didn't take care of my house like I said I would and I didnt read what I said I would read and I didn't do didly squat but be lazy around the house.

My only guess is that was what the problem was.. That I just let myself be too comfortable in being too self-serving. I envy all the people out there that don't have a porn addiction, or a sex addiction. I am envy them sooo much. to the point of sheer self-hatred. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past because I can't get over the shame and guilt of living a life I hate. But no death is coming to this guy, well, not by my hands anyway. Death is gonna come when it's due. Since I'm still alive I guess I gotta keep on moving toward the finish line and dangit I'm gonna be happy about it someday.

You know I REALLY didn't want to tell my Girlfriend about my pornsturbation today becuase her and I have had an exceptional last couple of weeks. we've been really getting along better than ever and it's just been going so well. But then I thought: Why not tell her? Do I deserve her? Hell no I don't deserve her. Does she deserve to be with someone like me? I should call it off.. No I'll just tell her exactly what happened.. I'll just tell her I screwed up again and that I can't promise I will never stop again but only ask for her forgiveness. and she turns around and becomes very supportive, tells me she loves me, and that I am forgiven, and that I've been making progress despite today's mishap. It was nice of her, but personally I can't let myself off so easy. So I'm beating myself up just because I deserve it. Does that make sense?

But I am ok, things will get better. I will fight this.., I will continue. I will not give up.. I thank you all for your support... Sorry for my negative rants. I'm not usually negative, but after I look at P and MB I can be quite the negative person.. for usually about 3 days...

[arctic]

cease4peace said:

I envy all the people out there that don't have a porn addiction, or a sex addiction. I am envy them sooo much.

Hi C4P,

I too have envied those who are not addicted to porn. It would be great to be like a normal person and not be so affected by the pornification of everything around us and have to be on one's guard all the time. But you know what, I've also come to realise that by having lived through addiction and having come to a point where I can say that I've broken it's back, I've gained much more insight into myself and into human nature than I could ever have hoped to acquire otherwise. Examples relevant to myself are the ability to be honest with myself and with others, ability to spot rationalisations very easily, belief that anything can be done if you really put your mind into it, increased self-awareness, and ability enjoy living in the moment. Beating what we have is a major challenge and offers immense scope for personal growth if you are willing to go through with it. So, there's a lot of positive stuff that can be derived from the prospect of recovery from porn addiction. Now let's get back to work C4P!

Your friend,
Arctic

[timoteiy]

C4P- just want to drop by to offer support. I am glad you are making a resolve to keep on the path to starving the hungry lust beast.

I hate that I have been so wrapped up in my major battle that I feel I am not keeping up with the relationship of our Circle.

I liked what artic posted above. It points to so much reward for undergoing this struggle, which at times seems impossible and without reward