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Post by sisyphus on Jul 5, 2006 13:30:04 GMT -5
Man, today I'm struggling. It's been two weeks clean, and I found myself starting the day fighting the urges, despite a great long weekend.
My plan for the day is to get done what I need at my office and then go home and work, without the computer.
I wish that this were easier, but I know it's not....
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Post by Ian06 on Jul 5, 2006 14:18:40 GMT -5
Congratulations on the 2-weeks.
It sounds like it's a tough time for you. Especially with the urges.
Just wanted to say that I'm really glad you are here, taking care of yourself, working on your recovery. You are not alone.
No matter what happens -- our primary purpose is to stay clean & sober just for today. No matter what. We can do that. We can hold on for a minute. Or even a second. We can keep turning our feelings and urges over, letting them go, asking for help. We can do that much.
We're all on your side, man. Take care.
Ian
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 6, 2006 13:37:16 GMT -5
Thanks for the support, Ian.
I slipped yesterday, after two weeks. It was strange, but I just came into work feeling like I couldn't do it, that two weeks has always been a difficult time for me, and that I was going to slip eventually anyway. All the wisdom goes out the window. I just made a bad choice. And it was a choice, no doubt about it. I sat here, debating taking my laptop home, and I kept saying to myself, "You will feel terrible afterwards, you know that, so why do it?" It wasn't even as if I rationalized that I could resist the urge. I just gave in.
I can't undo it, so I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. I think I see what happened - I just got myself in the wrong mindset, believing that it was inevitable, rather than focusing on the day, the moment. That's all it takes, just a little crack, and I'm gone.
What sucks most is that I then had to go through the whole routine of scrubbing the hard drive clean, deleting all traces, all of that. Seems like a neurosis.
What I learned, I guess, or relearned, is that I am weak in such moments, and I need to accept that but not give in. And I need to believe, to trust, that it will pass.
Grrrrr.
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Post by jake123 on Jul 6, 2006 14:08:00 GMT -5
Jacob, just get back up man. I don't want to be one of those people who thinks slips are ok or inevitable, and hence just pass on to others that same mindset. However I am starting to see very slowly my deep unwilligness to let this stuff go, even when I really want to let it go. I didn't think it had this much power. I don't like to admit I'm beat and have to surrender and as Ian said, keep turning over the urges over and again. But it is exactly what I do have to do. I still really like that tagline. His use of the word 'nonsense' just kinda makes me smile, albeit sometimes a painful smile of recognition. How do we protect our better selves from our fearful angry addicted selves? I don't do well in hating a substance or behavior to make myself get sober from it. My new idea is to (God forbid!) try to make a truce if not befriend the addict I am. Acknowledge what he is trying to get, like I would to a kid tugging at my sleeve insistently. And be the grownup in the situation. And (Another God forbid) say No, sorry, that is not how we are making ourselves feel better these days. But let's try this---and create other things that answer the need, if not completely--cuz I know dam well nothing gives the same kind of "reward" at the time as p&mb--but something, anything! Talking to a friend, anything. My whole life since a teenager or even before has been built around sex. It's gonna take some doing. I didn't know the scope of this really. Even if I did sometimes I am still gonna rebel in a big way. Just my thoughts this day number one for me. Wishing you well Jacob. Thx for listening. --jake
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 6, 2006 14:15:18 GMT -5
Jake, that's well put. I get into this strange mode of thinking in which I believe that I cannot beat my addictive side, so I might as well just give in. But that's not really a healthy way to think. Maybe it's not about beating the addict...maybe it's about trying to understand what sort of relationship I have with that part of me. And that's not the same as reasoning with him, either, because I know that doesn't work.
I have a tendency to give up for a while at this point, and I'm trying not to do that. 14 out 15 days clean is better than 0 out of 15. And I know that when I think, "never again," I do in fact mean it. But it is hard.
I like what you said, "No, this is not how we're making ourselves feel better these days." Yes, that's right. And we're not doing that because in the end it doesn't make us feel any better.
How to find, to cultivate, the better ways? That's hard, that's the work.
Peace
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 11, 2006 13:55:45 GMT -5
Wow, what a couple of days (see my "Finally came clean" thread on the general board).
I was really anxious yesterday, not knowing what things would look like when we both came home from work. We hadn't talked again about my disclosure, and I was really afraid. We sat down in the kitchen, a couple glasses of wine, and she asked if we could talk a bit more about the whole OP issue. It was a really good talk. She didn't want to know details, but wanted to try to understand what it had to do with her. So we talked a lot about that, about the addiction angle. One thing she said was that it was clear that I didn't want this in my life - and clear that I wasn't doing this because of some short coming in her. So true. So important, though, that it came from her, not me.
I have tried to explain my usage of OP as honestly as possible - and that means, really, separating it from my healthy sexuality. It's not part of that, ever. And it isn't really about sex at all, I think, although it obviously is tied into that. It's about something I am addicted to. I don't need it, I can happily live without it, and I really want to live without it. But if I'm near it, I cannot resist. I tried to say all of this, and ML got it, really seemed to understand. She said she will probably have more questions, and that it's going to take some time to feel ok about sex. I understand this. She hasn't withrdrawn intimacy, though, and that really helps me not beat myself up - I mean, she is clear about how much she loves me.
I feel like this is a real turning point. I feel like it's the first time that I've been the one to step up and say, hey, I have a problem, and I need help. I don't feel like a bad person - but I do feel like someone who has a problem.
For me, OP is like potato chips. If they are in the house, I will eat them. I may go several days thinking about them, being tempted, but eventually I will eat them. And once I start, I will finish the bag. I'm ok with this. I don't even really like potato chips, and I certainly don't like how they make me feel, but in the end I cannot resist them. Sometimes I'll be in the grocery store and buy a bag, and eat it all in the car. I don't want to, I don't intend to, but I can be caught off guard really easily.
I know this may sound like a stupid analogy, but for me it is almost exactly the same. ML knows about my problem with chips, and I've asked her not to bring them into the house. She thinks it's kind of funny.
Now, I did NOT use this analogy with her, because the big difference is that my inability to resist chips does not have an impact on her. This is what I forget when I get into the OP addictive behavior - I forget that it is not just about me.
The next few days are going to be challenging. ML leaves on Wednesday and I'll be home alone for a few days, and then I'll be alone in motel early next week.
While she is gone, the computer stays in the office. Period, no exceptions. I will go to the gym one night, and probably go out with friends another. In the hotel, the first thing I'll do is disable the movies. And no computer.
These are little steps, but I know that without them I will be tempted to step in an unhealthy direction, and that rarely ends well.
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 11, 2006 16:50:49 GMT -5
I wanted to add some things to this today, while they are on my mind, although I really should be grading papers....
This is the first time that I really feel as if I can do this, that I won't eventually need to slip. Need, yeah, right. In the past I've had this tendency to start out with a sense of inevitable defeat...sooner or later, I'll slip, usually sooner. But I really feel as if I have to think "no porn, ever" and think it over and over again, think it and believe it. It's hard, given how many times I've tried to quit, how long I've gone and then fallen. I know, day to day.
The sex thing with ML is a little frightening. We have a very lively sex life, and if we go more than a few days I start to get, I don't know, nervous and insecure. My first marriage was almost sexless, and really got screwed up, so that is always lingering in the back of my mind, that "what if...." So this post-disclosure period, during which I feel that it would be outrageously disrespectful to try to initiate, is hard, hard right now, and I don't expect it to end any time soon. I'm worried that I'll kick into rationalization mode.
Wait, bad attitude...it's as if I'm sure I'm going to fail. I don't have to feel worried, all that I have to do is deal with right now. God, why can't I get that into my thick skull?
Since I'm going to the gym later today, I think I need to stay well out of the way of the triggering woman in my class - just put something between her and me so that I cannot see her. So many pitfalls.....
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 12, 2006 14:43:17 GMT -5
ML left early this morning, and I'm doing fine right now, not in a negative mindset as I thought I might be. We had a really nice morning, made love for the first time since the disclosure. That helped me mentally a lot - and I feel a little strange about that, as if I might be overvaluing the sexual part of our relationship. I don't know, I have to think about this. It made me feel like, ok, I haven't screwed everything up, we are going to get through this, get back to "normal" only it won't be the same normal, because now the P thing is out in the open. I just worry that I might too quickly try to leave behind the hurt I have caused her, and then slip back. I just feel I need to be really, really vigilant.
I decided to bring my laptop home today to scrub the hard drive - I have been worried that there might be traces on it that could get me in serious trouble. This made me feel really anxious, and I had to articulate a plan in great detail: once I've cleaned it, I taking it right back to the office. I don't want the temptation here at all.
At least I didn't feel the least bit tempted - that's big. But I don't need to hang out in the bar just to be sure.....
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 12, 2006 17:21:46 GMT -5
In retrospect, it was perhaps not the most intelligent of choices to take the laptop home. It was fine, I was totally not tempted, but now that I'm back in my office, I know that I shouldn't even risk this...I know that I cannot allow myself even that little crack.
Just felt that I should get that out.
It is really good, though, to know that my laptop is now totally clean of all traces.
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 13, 2006 14:23:00 GMT -5
Ok, so I felt really silly asking the general board for help because ML didn't call me this morning. God, what am I, 15?
But I felt that it is precisely this sort of thing that can give the addiction power. Oh, I feel bad about myself, unloved...unworthy of love...might as well go on a binge, because then I'll REALLY feel bad about myself. I've seen this cycle repeat itself so many times.
Now, the real issue is, why did the lack of a phone call bother me so much? I could say that I was worried, but that wouldn't be true, really; I knew where she was, knew that she'd gotten in late but safe, and knew that she was probably busy with her family, which is always chaotic. What upset me, on the surface, was that she didn't think to call me just to say she was fine. What upset me was that I then turned this into "oh, she doesn't think about me when she's at her parent's place," to "oh, she doesn't love me because I don't deserve it."
Damn, such a stupid train of thought. But that's what the addiction does to me, and that, I know, is where it is rooted.
I told her when we did talk that I felt a little hurt and was a little mad that she was inconsiderate. I WAS mad, after all. I know, it's so petty. But I thought that if I didn't say anything, if I acted like I was fine, then I'd have this little resentment gnawing at me, and that can lead to a slip/binge too.
God, I hate this thing!!!!! I really do just (expletive)ing hate it.
The other thing that I recognize is the addictive need for instant gratification. The thing about IP is that it is instant, available immediately. All those women, and they are just there, when I want them. What a lie! But I'm so conditioned by it. I could have just said to myself - and I did, but it didn't ring true, I didn't buy it - oh, I'm sure she's just busy...she'll call as soon as she can. But the addict was right there on my shoulder: "Dude, see, she doesn't love you, just like you thought...she isn't even thinking about you, man, because if she were, she'd have called. But those chicks on the web, they're there for you, their thinking only of you...just go see...."
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 19, 2006 13:28:32 GMT -5
So I made it through the trip ok. Ok, not fabulous. It was a tiring, sometimes difficult few days, and I found myself sitting in my hotel room, channel surfing late at night - I knew that wasn't what I wanted to be doing, but it was almost like I was on auto pilot. I flirted with the in-room movies, but my rational side won that one. Close, though, really close. I should have disabled them right off - that's what I intended to do, but then I started to play the, "I'm ok...see." Pure addiction, that.
But then I watched a movie on HBO, "The 40-Year Old Virgin" that I really thought would be ok, fine, safe. It wasn't. I found myself really triggered by a couple of scenes, and then I wanted to MB...but I didn't. That's probably a first.
This is the first time that I've ever tried this without MB, and it's been mostly ok, but a couple of rough spots. This doesn't make sense to me, since ML and I have always had frequent sex. Why the desire to MB? Clearly not a physical thing. Part habit, part selfish addict - this is MY thing!!! Even last night, I woke and got up to read, and found myself wanting to do what I always do "to get myself back to sleep." Again, I didn't, but I WANTED to, and that doesn't make much sense to me. Sure it does...it just doesn't seem rational, which it isn't. It's the addict, dummy!
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 24, 2006 12:58:29 GMT -5
I realize that for the past few days, or rather the last two days of last week, I was flirting pretty seriously with the edge of the abyss. Doing Image searches that were "safe," but not really.
So, I've decided that another of my bottom lines is undirected Google search for images. This almost always leads to a slip/binge, and I have to face it that even though I don't click on the images, they are porn, no doubt about it, even if not explicit. God, clothing catalogue CAN be porn if I look at it a certain way.
I found myself trying to talk my way into taking my laptop home today...that addict guy never quits.
All this tells me to be careful, to be vigiliant and to fight complacency. It also tells me that no, I'm not fine. I'm an addict, and that addict is always right there, waiting for a chance. He's not going away, ever? Yeah, ever, dude. That's why people slip after years - HE'S NEVER GOING AWAY!!!!
I need to stay positive today, too, keep focused on all of the good things in my life, in me, and stay away from any sort of negative thinking. It gets me nowhere.
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 25, 2006 8:31:13 GMT -5
Been struggling for the past 24 hours or so with deep feelings of insecurity. I'm not sure why. When I get into this mode, I can latch on to virtually anything - a look from ML, something totally innocent - and then let it drag me into a dark mood. I'm trying to let such thoughts go, but it really is a slow, laborious, inconsistent process.
I think this is the PA in me - he so wants me to feel lousy about myself, because that's when he gets the opening he needs. I feel like I need to keep saying, "No, I'm going to look at this in a positive light." It's purely a matter of perspective - not, I think, that one has to simply turn everything into sweetness and light; but one also doesn't need to make everything a worst case scenario, either.
Why do I still feel the urge to check on her? Why can I not let that particular paranoia go? It's like the PA in me wants to catch her doing something, so that he can justify acting out. Not a healthy way to be!
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Post by dj2005 on Jul 25, 2006 11:34:56 GMT -5
hey sisyphus- i just started reading your journal, and wanted to say hi and encourage you as you're going through a bit of a challenging time. nice job adding the google search to your bottom line behaviors- it's great that you are raising your awareness of your triggers and taking action to stay clear from them. in addition to doing that, what are some of the things you working toward in your life (like goals and stuff) and what are you doing to make those things happen? i've found that recovery goes most smoothly for me when i am focused on moving toward my hopes, rather than moving away from my addiction. keep up the good work, and i look forward to hearing more! peace, dj
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 26, 2006 9:03:41 GMT -5
dj,
Thanks for the encouragement, and I'm always amazed that anyone is reading this at all! Seems the two of us have some things in common, besides the date we joined the board. I'm impressed with how you dealt with your wife being out late - I've been struggling with some serious jealousy, totally a product of my little brain, and have begun to see that it is absolutely connected to my PA.
Goals? That's an interesting question. I mean, I have goals in life, specific goals, projects to finish, that sort of thing. Mostly, these are professional. But in terms of recovery? I think for a long time I've been focused on eliminating the negative, not really on cultivating the positive. Afterall, what we are doing is NOT simply stopping negative behavior - we are trying to move someplace positive.
I'd like to be more secure with myself. That may sound banal, but for me, this whole PA/SA thing is tangled up with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
Yesterday, ML called me to tell me that she was bragging about how good I am to her, and that one of her friends said that yes, she was lucky I was such a good "housewife." This just sent me - I felt that I was being made fun of. We went back and forth about it, with ML insisting that she loved that I had time to do the domestic things, and with me feeling that I was not valued, that I was made fun of, etc. It was really rather silly. I do have a job that allows me to work at home a lot, and I do love to cook and garden, and I'm happy to pick up the kids, take them to soccer, all that. So why was I offended?
The addict in me took the offense, and tried to use that as an excuse to slip. It was like he was saying, "you see, you need to go online and prove your manhood...they are there, waiting for you." This is, essentially, exactly what led me to affairs in my marriage - feeling unappreciated by my EX, feeling that I was viewed as some kind of unmasculine housewife guy. Ridiculous.
I could revel in the positive here, instead of sink into the negative, but the addict loves the latter.
I see progress here, though, because I could see that the addict was speaking, and that what he was saying was nonsense.
But the goal is to try to value myself, to embrace the life choices I've made, and to celebrate them. That's the big goal.
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