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Post by sisyphus on Apr 14, 2005 9:35:13 GMT -5
Today begins as a day when I have absolutely no desire to look at P...so many other things are happening in my life, so many good things, that I feel, this morning, that I just don't need it.
So one question I have for myself is why I think I ever need it? Rationally, there's no question in my mind that it's not about need - I don't need it, period. So what is it that causes me to slip into the delusion that there's this need, there's something that the P will do for me? I put this out to myself as something to think about, not answer.
Yesterday brought a big dispute with my various colleagues, and I felt myself being pulled in various directions. The Pleaser in me wanted to appease everyone...and then it dawned on me that I hadn't even considered how I felt about the issues being debated. I was just bent on making people happy, but I wasn't paying any attention to me. It occured to me that I do this often, and that it is not healthy. So I decided to take a stand, to take a side...and I feel much better about the whole thing this morning.
On the surface that has nothing to do with P, but it does, in that I'm beginning to see that when I don't attend to my own feelings, those feelings simply sit there, and sooner or later they burst out in unhealthy ways.
I pledge to myself that today if I am tempted, I will stop and post here first.
Peace
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Post by choselife on Apr 14, 2005 16:24:34 GMT -5
Awesome, these small steps will add up, I guarantee you.
I think its hard for most people to be vulnerable. I cannot overemphasize how terrific I think it is that you are working so hard at identifying the emotional triggers, and deal with them head on. You can only be successful with this approach. There are two roads to take (gee there was a famous poem about that). You are taking the road that is probably less traveled, but will lead to you being successful.
Be very proud of yourself for these steps that you are taking. It shows bravery and committment on your part.
These are the types of posts that I find inspiring, and help me do the right thing in my own life.
CL
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Post by sisyphus on Apr 14, 2005 17:17:10 GMT -5
CL - What you wrote matters a lot, it really does. I found myself just saying, "wow!" Thanks for caring.
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Post by choselife on Apr 14, 2005 17:45:15 GMT -5
No problem.
Its a very natural thing to attempt to help people who are working so hard to help themselves, and your post gives ME the opportunity to be the type of person that I want to be, which is to be more outside myself and helpful to others. And what goes around comes around and the world truly would be a better place!
Cl
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Post by Autonomous on Apr 18, 2005 21:13:51 GMT -5
Are you "feeling" today? hope so! keep up the good and positive thinking k?!
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Post by sisyphus on Apr 19, 2005 12:15:57 GMT -5
I haven't posted in a few days, mainly just because I've been busy and, I suppose, feeling pretty good.
That said, though, I have had a bit of temptation this morning - rode into work thinking that maybe I'd just bring the computer home and work there this afternoon. Always a bad idea. And I ask myself why and don't have a very good answer...it almost feels like boredom (and I just said I was busy? that's confusing).
On a positive note, I got a nasty little letter from my ex this morning, and it just didn't set me off. I was able to read it, think about it, and say, really mean, "well, those are HER issues, not mine." That's real progress.
I think sometimes the small steps are the hardest to recognize.
Peace
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Post by choselife on Apr 19, 2005 17:45:31 GMT -5
Great insight on your part. I see real progress when you are able to change how you REACT to things that happen. Very empowering. I also believe strongly that in general better things will tend to happen indirectly as a result of you in general responding more positively to things that do happen which are not within your control.
CL
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Post by sisyphus on Apr 20, 2005 18:29:15 GMT -5
Yes, I slipped, again after about two weeks. And I know EXACTLY why I did - because I simply decided that it was OK to do so. I brought my computer home, and I KNEW I'd slip, but did so anyway.
So, I think I need to engage in a little attitude adjustment, and I want to start with this simple pronouncement:
I AM NOT A MAN WHO LOOKS AT PORN!!!!!!!!!
That is how I want to see myself - I don't want to be someone who occassionally gives himself permission, or who let's himself slip. I'd like to simply be able to say, clearly, I don't do that. There are lots and lots of things that I don't do - I don't, for instance, eat dead animals. Well, why? Because I choose not to.
Now, I realize that porn is different, and this is not necessarily a good example. But I don't do drugs, either - and I could, I have in the past, but I choose not to, and I do so, in large part, because I define myself as someone who doesn't do that.
I actually view this as a positive insight, and a step forward. I don't think that it will be as simple as declaring this, that this will put an absolute stop to it all, but this is a positive first step, and I started this journal to be positive.
Peace
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Post by sisyphus on Apr 21, 2005 13:00:20 GMT -5
Today, I have a very simple goal - to continue to be a man who does not look at or engage in pornography. Period. And thus far today, that feels pretty good. Great, actually. I actually feel proud of myself today.
Peace
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Post by chance on Apr 27, 2005 16:02:55 GMT -5
"I don't want to be someone who occassionally gives himself permission, or who let's himself slip."
This seems like a perfect description of what happens when I indulge in P* as well. And I also suffer from the "I'm busy but bored" trigger you talked about.
I think there are a lot of things we do/don't do based solely on our self-concept. The question, I guess, is how to convince our brains deep-down that we're not the type of person that looks at p*graphy. (Standard tricks of listening to a self-created audio file with this repeated or stating this in our minds when we wake up?)
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Post by sisyphus on Apr 28, 2005 10:26:45 GMT -5
I get rather tired of having to drag myself back here, after making a declaration, only to say, well, slipped a little there. But I did. And this time, it was actually pretty disturbing, because I stumbled across a website that led me down paths I didn't think I'd ever go down. Disgusting, really. So I've spent the last few days trying just to get that out of my mind, trying to push away as far as possible. Maybe that's denial, I don't know.
What I do see, though, is precisely the cycle that Carnes and others talk about, and, especially, how hard it is to get out of, how hard it is to grab hold of something, anything, positive, and just stay there, still for a while, maybe until it all calms down a bit. I have found myself up in the middle of the night several times running now, going over my behavior, dwelling on it.
So I guess I'm left pondering, again, why it is that it is so hard to choose the positive. And yes, that part is a choice. Once the choice is made, well, then it isn't really a matter of choice. But I can chose the positive, although I tend not to.
So today I'm going to try to focus on all the reasons that I want to choose the positive. I'm well aware of the allure of the negative, that's easy. But again, the rhetorical question - why is it so hard to move to the "good." Maybe I need to go back and reread Augustine!
Peace
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Post by sisyphus on May 4, 2005 8:36:14 GMT -5
I started out the day in a funk, for no real reason other than I'm tired. But something in the back of my head said, "don't waste today...." So I decided to spend a bit of time here, first thing, and meditate a bit on the things in my life to be thankful for. My, what a difference a few deep breaths make.
So today the goal is to grab the negative thoughts that inevitably creep in and politely escort them out. There's just too much else to be positive about. If that sound overly optimistic, well, so be it....
Peace
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Post by threadbare on May 4, 2005 10:17:50 GMT -5
Hey Sis, i'm back. Been down a long dark road for the last month or so, not happy about it but happy to see you doing so well at the moment. Your posts always ring true with me and i appreciate your honesty and self-awareness. This thread is a good reminder that i'm not alone in this struggle. Thanks for posting. TB
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Post by sisyphus on May 4, 2005 12:21:04 GMT -5
I was wondering where you'd slipped off to Threadbare. Well, I certainly understand the dark roads one can go down, and the pain and shame and straight up drudgery of getting yourself back to the place you slipped from. I'll check your thread to see what you have to say about your recent slide. Just glad your back! Peace
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Post by sisyphus on Jun 23, 2005 9:30:36 GMT -5
time to revive my journal, i think.
today the battle is against insecurity. what am i going to do today to make myself feel worthy? good question. don't have an answer, exactly, except to say that i'm just not going to P for comfort. the rest, maybe, will follow.
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