Small Steps to Wellness

[sisyphus]

The week begins and I find myself, inexplicably, in a terrible mood. I was up in the middle of the night worrying about something I have no control over, and so I am tired, which is part of it. But I think I'm actually angry that I have to fight my PA this morning, this week. I am mad at the fight, when I really think I'd be better off being mad at the addiction.

I was lying in bed, though, thinking about the issue of control. I know that once I start, I really don't have control. So I know, intellectually, to leave my computer at the office. But the pattern I've been in is that after a certain period of time, usually about ten days, I give myself permission to bring it home. I tell myself I'm fine...or that I just need a little hit...any number of rationalizations. And I always know, at the time, that they ARE rationalizations. So last night I was trying to understand how to pass over that point of permission, because I DO have control at that moment.

Here's the goal (god, I hate goals!!!!): get to the 16th clean. That's two weeks. I'm then going on a trip where I won't have any access to P for two weeks, so that when I get back it will have been over a month, a mark I've not made in a while.

If anyone wants to yell at me now and again, please, do.

Peace,
Sisyphus

[sisyphus]

Today is one of those days when I feel a little more vulnerable than usual. Too much time on my hands, in part. But more I think I have this feeling of wanting to look at a little P, a little, just a....yeah, as if there is ever a little. So why? Oh, I could rattle off a dozen plausible explanations, but I think for me that's a slippery slope. Bottom line is I just have to say, firmly, no. The computer stays in the office.

I feel like I have no will power, though. I feel like a child who doesn't know how to process "no" in response to a want. And that's all it is. And why the want? Shut up, Sis...turn the computer off!!!!!!!

[jakethesnake001]

Hey Sis,

Just a quick check in. Glad to see you are still here despite your struggle.

I sort of disappeared for awhile but it was all for the good. I have been doing well (not perfect but well). I have been on a sort of enforced chastity. I changed jobs and they have a pretty strict filter. My problem before was a complete lack of any anti-p safeguards at my old workplace coupled with boredom.

I have a computer at home (that I am now on) but i rarely use it. I have surfed p on occasions but relatively rarely.

My major achievement has been complete sobriety from acting out, which for me involved more than MB, since August.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If at all possible, put yourself in a situation where temptation is at a minimum. I realize that internal change is the real solution, but sometimes little stretches of achievement, even if artificially obtained, can give you the self assurance needed to achieve the more significant change.

Just my two cents....


I don't think of tis site often, but when I do, I think of you. I'll check in again soon for a reply. All the best.

Jake

[sisyphus]

It's rather sobering to read over this journal. I've not really made any progress; I may actually have gone backwards. I started out with a clear goal, I think, to make small steps to betting in a better state. But I've taken so many steps backwards.

So here's a step forwards.

Today will be the end of another day 2 - no great achievement. But, and this is important, I have spent a great amount of time today actually working on recovery. Taking those little steps.

I need to constantly remind myself that when I'm not working on recovery, I'm just working on a slip.

And I CAN do this.

[jakethesnake001]

hey Sis, Just realized it's been a year since I first joined. I was acting out pretty badly then. Not sure the progress has been all that great or sustained.

what's your report card for the year?

[sisyphus]

Hey, Jake, glad you're still here. Well, sort of glad, if you know what I mean.

Yes, it's been a year for me to. Progress? Report card? Now there's a sobering thought. I'm generally a pretty easy grader, so I give myself maybe a "D," only because I'm still trying.

I'm rather annoyed at myself right now. I'm tired of resolutions that I don't keep, I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of being angry at myself.

Today I decided that I cannot have an internet connection at home. I thought I could handle it, but I cannot. So I'm returning my ethernet card, and if they won't take it back, then I guess I'll just eat the $75. That isn't really wellness, I know, but if I have the connection I cannot resist...yes, it's like looking at the car wreck, very much so.

But more than just cutting off access, which is only a little baby step, I want to start shifting my thinking. I realize that I've become a person dominated by sexuality. I see the world in terms of sex, and that is just no way to be experiencing things.

Hey, Jake, if you are still reading this, how are you, anyway?

[cflanders]

I want to start shifting my thinking. I realize that I've become a person dominated by sexuality. I see the world in terms of sex, and that is just no way to be experiencing things.

So what's your plan? (I'm asking everyone that today. ;D)

You've amassed a sizable chunk of clean time in the past. How did you do it?

[sisyphus]

Plan? You mean I need a plan?

Actually, that's a great question, and one to which I don't have a great answer.

I know that one thing I have to do, just a basic step, is limit my access. But I also feel that I need to start thinking recovery thoughts, not just "stay away" thoughts. That's harder. That means think about my thinking, really, about the mental habits I've gotten into.

More on this, though. I'm going away for a trip and I'll be with family, so I won't get into addict mode. But I'm coming right here when I get back. That's the immediate plan. But I have to seriously address this.

Thanks, CF - you always come through at the right moment.

[sisyphus]

I'm back from a good, busy weekend away. I was with my SO, my kids, in the big city, and felt virtually trigger free. A couple of times I found images popping into my head, but for the most part porn was not part of my life during the past few days, not even as something I was trying to avoid.

So why? First, I think I was occupied. For me, time alone, without a plan - yup - of what I intend to do during that time is a real danger. Second, I was not alone. So what I learn from this, so obvious, is that time and lonliness are big dangers for me...no, not simply lonliness, just alone-ness.

This feels different somehow. I feel that perhaps I'm not doing this because I have to, out of fear of being caught, or guilt that I was caught, or even that old familiar self-loathing. No, this time I feel like I'm doing this because I'm better, healthier, and happier without porn in my life. Yes, sure, I know the high is there, but I guess I'd rather live my life without that artificial element. I'm trying to stay positive about this, view this as a positive step rather than a negative one; what I mean is that I want to think about this as doing what I want , rather than NOT doing what is not good for me.

Sense?

[sisyphus]

[Triggers...]

This is day 7. I need to count, because otherwise I get lazy, think the days don't matter...and that leads me to bad places.

God, I haven't wanted to go back to this journal, because reading it reminds me of how many times I've had new resolve, how many times I've said, as I did in my last post, ok, this time it feels different. I haven't wanted to face this, because I realize that, still, I have this all-or-nothing, absolute success or absolute failure attitude. That's just self defeating. I need to recognize that I have, indeed, made progress, and that I just need to keep that active, need to keep progressing. If I worry that I will, again, fall, then I will, again, fall.

I remember when I first got into SAA, about four years ago, I'd gone a week or so, and then started to worry about slipping. And one of the old timers said, simply, that I didn't need to even think of the future - just today, that's all that matters.

Bottom line behavior: Ok, I need to revisit this. When I started SAA, my bottom line was simply sex outside of my marriage. That was my problem. I thought the OP and MB weren't really the problem.

Then I decided that OP was, actually, a big problem. So that became my new bottom line.

Now I have to face that there's more to it than that. There's a whole range of borderline behaviors which maybe need to be new definitions of bottom line behavior: google searches for images of women...googling old girlfriends...MB...fantasies about anyone other than my SO...lingering in my mind on old partners. All these - and there are more, I know - are the first step onto the slippery slope.

I've been trying over the last week to put a halt to these the moment they start. And also put a halt to negative thinking in general...when I start to beat up on myself, for even the most trivial of things, that can very easily start me down the road toward a slip.

Where have I been since March? On a rocky road to nowhere, I think. A week clean, two days acting out, a week clean...that's not progressing.

If I stop coming back, I'm not making progress. Remember that!!!!

[sisyphus]

I went back to the beginning of this journal today, back to spring of last year, and I see that I've had some decent insights along the way, even if I've not been progressing quite as consistently as I'd like.

Here's something I found useful:

sisyphus said:

- make the time I'm with them genuine; be plugged into them, and not distracted by me
- be gentle with myself when I don't respond to a situation exactly as I want to
- avoid self pity, but instead focus on the positive things in my life
- be conscious of the real love I am receiving today
- grab each negative thought as it comes, look at it, and bid it goodbye
- remember that no one is expecting me to be perfect
- be consciously thankful

I think if I simply followed these basic points, as a kind of guideline for life, I'd be doing ok. So that's my commitment today.

Small steps!

I took care of a nasty parking ticket...I consolidated my student loans...I'll work out later. And all of that makes me feel good, which P never, ever does.

[sisyphus]

I need to own something....

I mentioned, in talking about rethinking bottom lines, that google searches are trouble. Well, let me be specific.

I googled a student that I had an affair with a few years ago, a woman who has haunted me for many reasons. I wanted to send her an email, and had lost - no, deleted, intentionally - her email address. Well, I didn't find the address, but I found her myspace.com webpage, and have, for the last couple weeks, been lurking there, just reading, looking at her photos. Creepy, like a stalker. I'm disturbed by that behavior.

This woman is 20 years younger than I am. I had no business getting involved with her in the first place, and by checking her out, peaking into her normal 20-something life, I'm engaged in very poor behavior. It wasn't part of my bottom line, but I think it has to be now. If I do it again, that's a slip. I own this.

I'm a little disturbed, also, by the creepy stalker element of this. Like a voyeur. That's not who I wish to be.

[sisyphus]

Another thing I need to own....

A few weeks ago, my fitness club had a social event, and I went with my SO. A woman who takes a class with me, who is very attractive, was there, and sat next to me for virtually the whole evening. Although the talk was innocent enough, and public, I have found myself thinking about her way to much, and checking her out during class. I'm not sure what to do about this, but I can see that it is precisely this sort of thing that can lead me into trouble. I've been trying not to flirt with her at all, not even talk to her, but she's still in my head.

What I'm trying to do with this is just banish the thoughts as soon as they come, without lingering. It is hard. Old habits....

That said, it's a beautiful day, I'm at work and happy to be where I am.

[sisyphus]

After a week of feeling good about being clean again, I find myself, today, sitting in my office wanting to do some "innocent" searches on Google. I know better than that. But I feel I need to put the urge out in the open. I'm going to get off the computer for the moment....

[sisyphus]

I seem to be really struggling today, and I find that, really, annoying. Yes, annoying.

I'm annoyed because I know full well that I have no need for the numbing effect of porn.

I'm annoyed because my life is good, is full. I'm loved, I love. Why do I desire something so banal and essentially boring as porn.

I'm annoyed because a guy who looks at porn is not who I wish to be.

I'm actually pissed that this isn't easier. I mean, come on! It's just pixels on a screen, you idiot.

I'm annoyed that there are two pictures of my beautiful children looking down at me as I sit here in my office, and I still feel tempted.

I'm annoyed that I just got an email from my SO that said, only, "I love you." Unsolicited, just a gesture of her love for me.

I'm annoyed that after years of fighting this thing, I still want to maintain that it isn't, really, an addiction. Not it's just this...yes?

I'm annoyed that my SO will make love with me at any time, and yet I still feel this desire to MB...and look at photos of other women, strangers.

I'm annoyed that I'm not stronger, and I'm also annoyed that I think being stronger is somehow the issue, that it's about my weakness, rather than the addiction's strength.

And I have to say, just sitting here and writing some of these things out has made me feel a little less annoyed. I'm off for the weekend....