|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 9, 2005 23:25:51 GMT -5
So I'm starting this thread as a forum for recording the healthy things that I've been doing....I'm trying to focus on progress. I tend to get so caught up in the negative that I forget the good.
If anyone would like to join in you're more than welcome.
Today:
- took my kids to breakfast and let them eat anything they wanted - went to the zoo with the kids - went swimming with the kids - talked to my SO about the struggles I'm having today - posted on the board - had dinner with an old friend
It's a start. What I notice, though, is that there's not much directed specifically at me, at my own mental health. I'd like to start meditating again...I'd like to get a little more exercise; I'd like to eat a little better.
|
|
|
Post by gerry on Apr 9, 2005 23:30:19 GMT -5
I like your method! Family time! congratulations! gerry
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 10, 2005 4:34:41 GMT -5
It is great that you had a good day. About your lament/query, balance is the key. Did you begin the day with a plan, or simply follow wherever the day took you? If you begin each day with a plan, you can ensure that you give yourself some personal development time (eg exercise) and also give adequate time to the important people in your life. Best, Still
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 10, 2005 7:30:06 GMT -5
Thanks, guys. No, actually, I did not begin the day with a plan. That's why I got on the board first thing - I decided I should come here, to this new journal of mine, and set some little goals for the day (emphasis on little). I take it as a very positive sign, Still, that this is exactly what you've suggested!
I'm with my kids again today - I see them about once a month, since I live 2/3 across the country from them - holed up in a single hotel room. We're headed out today to a park, a little zoo, the science museu. Still, it can be difficult, a very emotional few days if I am not careful, and that doesn't help anyone. So my goals for the day are:
- make the time I'm with them genuine; be plugged into them, and not distracted by me - be gentle with myself when I don't respond to a situation exactly as I want to - avoid self pity, but instead focus on the positive things in my life - be conscious of the real love I am receiving today - grab each negative thought as it comes, look at it, and bid it goodbye - remember that no one is expecting me to be perfect - be consciously thankful
Those are very general goals, maybe too general, but I'm hoping that this will help keep me in a positive mindset for the day.
Peace, Sis
|
|
|
Post by choselife on Apr 10, 2005 7:40:47 GMT -5
Great start, keep posting on your journal. I look forward to reading and attempting to help.
CL
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 10, 2005 16:18:49 GMT -5
This one is hard for me to write about, because it's hard to sort out.
Early last week, I had a call from my EX that really set me off. During the course of what became a shouting match, she pulled out the old list of all the things that I have done in the past, and ended by saying, "Why don't you do something for your chilren for a change, instead of just bringing them presents."
Well, I don't even bring my children presents when I visit them most of the time. But as much as I could see that this was said in anger, said in pain, said to upset me, I still let it. I let it infect my relationship with my SO. Here are some of the things I did:
- I binged - I got paranoid, felt that she was hiding something from me - I got whiney and needy, to which she always reacts by withdrawing a bit; we've talked about it, and she just does not want to prop me up just because I need it. She thinks I need to find that in myself, and although I know she's right, I always feel a bit put out, maybe a little resentful. - I started focusing on my flaws and weaknesses. - I withdrew from my SO
I am reminded here of a Buddhist story about two monks, one of whom carries a woman across a stream. When they get to the other side, the one monk says, "You shouldn't have carried her - it is wrong to have physical contact with a woman." The other monk, the one who carried her, said, "I put her down on the river bank, but you are still carrying her." Well, I feel that I've not put my ex down, that I still let her occupy my head (and she's not paying rent!).
I guess this is normal, understandable, but it still upsets me. I just hate that my divorce hangover sometimes effects my relationship with my SO. I hate it when I get all needy, when I essentially ask to be affirmed.
So today, part of starting out on the positive was to combat this dynamic, and it has worked really well. I cannot feel good about my relationships - and here I mean all of them - unless I feel good about myself. It has to start from me, to come from within.
I think I've written this several times on this board, but I'm putting it here in my own thread so that I can keep looking at it.
|
|
|
Post by Stillhopeful on Apr 11, 2005 1:36:12 GMT -5
I am also divorced (for the past fifteen years), so I understand the type of thing you mean, Sisyphus.
First, you must carefully examine what you can do for your kids in the future, and ensure that you feel happy with the ideas you have developed. Next, devise a draft plan to action those ideas on a regular basis. Discuss the draft with a therapist, and/or share it here, if you like. I do not think you need to discuss it with your SO however, as that is placing her in a difficult situation and really, they are your kids and deserve their dad to be making his own decisions about them. What is reasonable and loving to do for your kids, do you think? Once you are happy with your plan, type it up, print it, and keep it handy. Follow the plan assiduously (and willingly). If your ex gets narky about the kids, you can know for certain that you've developed a sensible plan not grounded in emotion and not in response to her torment.
Second, I am surprised that your SO is not supporting your need for comfort, at least some of the time. I do think a couple should be able to call on one another and get some support, on a daily basis. I suggest your SO does not know how to react from a position of security, and has her own issues limiting her ability to provide comfort. Alternatively, there is something else going on. Eg She may have some unspoken issues of her own that are not being addressed. Have you raised these issues in relationship therapy with your SO? If not, I strongly suggest that you do.
I will be reading your journal and will try to help as best I can.
all the best,
Still
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 11, 2005 9:08:48 GMT -5
Stillhopeful, thanks for the thoughtful reply. I actually think my SO has a deep sense of compassion, but she also knows that if she artificially props me up - something my ex wife did all the time, only to know me down - then it won't really help me be positive about myself. Actually, she affirms me and her feelings for me all the time, but in positive ways, not when I go begging for it. But I also appreciate the cautions - one can, I think, never be too introspective.
So, yesterday:
- long morning just hanging with the kids - trip to the zoo, where I let THEM decide what they wanted to do, what the pace would be (no rushing!) - movie and snacks back at the hotel - went to the pool, played with them the whole time (often I get restless) - watched the end of the Masters with my son, explained everything to him - only positive interactions with my SO; no whining
So a good day. Not without some stumbling about, but mostly positive thoughts about myself.
Today proves to be a long one. I have to take the kids to school, and I know my daughter will break down, and that will kill me, as it always does. But I want to try to think about the fact that she is sad because she misses me when I'm not there, and not let myself slide down the slippery slope of blame and shame and guilt. I'd rather not live away from them, but that's just how it is right now.
Talked to my SO this morning, and all seems back to normal. I'm feeling very thankful and grateful that she's in my life, that she understands and accepts me as I am, warts and all, and that she doesn't dwell on yesterdays.
I think I'll go back and read the Emerson quote I posted on the main board the other day, just as a reminder.
Peace.
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 11, 2005 15:26:26 GMT -5
Ok, so this is supposed to be my place to be positive, but also to be honest.
Got to the airport, found that I can pick up their wireless network for free, didn't really believe it, and just started tempting myself....always ends the same way. But it didn't last long, and I was very, very aware of what I was doing.
I think this is related to another thing I do - test my SO, just to be sure that she really loves me. It's pathetic, but I am beginning to recognize this, not just in this regard, as a pattern. I actually think I just tempt fate, see if I can maybe sabotage my life in little and, sometimes, not so little ways. This I know is related to the self esteem issues that I have mentioned on the general board. It's like I don't think I deserve to have all the good in my life.
So, time to set some goals.
Long-term first:
- get back into shape - stop eating junk - finish my book - develop a positive sense of myself (BIG one)
I am going to work on this list. It's a start, though. I've got lots of short term goals, and I want to refine the long term ones.
|
|
|
Post by choselife on Apr 11, 2005 15:54:36 GMT -5
I applaud you for recognizing the pattern. I have been in the exact same place, so I guess we are very similar in that way. I especially relate to the last sentence, and the whole idea of sabotaging myself.
Now that you recognize the pattern, the next time you see the pattern reoccurring, then before you use P, acknowledge the pattern, and then make up your mind if you can to not use P. If you can do this, you will feel better, and I think you will feel a bit more like maybe you do deserve the good things you have in your life. Its a bit like trying on a new set of clothes, I think. It will feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but after a while, the clothes will break in and feel more comfortable.
This is the process I am just starting to go through myself and so far so good. But I need to stay vigilant and I will.
Just doing the above will I think go a long ways toward building self-esteem in and of itself.
I would appreciate if you keep posting on this topic, as it would be helpful to me and others too.
CL
|
|
|
Post by applecar on Apr 11, 2005 16:08:02 GMT -5
Sisyphus,
I like your steps you listed:
- make the time I'm with them genuine; be plugged into them, and not distracted by me - be gentle with myself when I don't respond to a situation exactly as I want to - avoid self pity, but instead focus on the positive things in my life - be conscious of the real love I am receiving today - grab each negative thought as it comes, look at it, and bid it goodbye - remember that no one is expecting me to be perfect - be consciously thankful
I don't have kids (yet, hoping though) but these are good things to remember and I'm going to try to put them into practice. I also like the planning -- going to try to do more of that myself.
Take care and keep pushing that thing up the hill. You'll get there.
applecar
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 12, 2005 9:10:28 GMT -5
Now that you recognize the pattern, the next time you see the pattern reoccurring, then before you use P, acknowledge the pattern, and then make up your mind if you can to not use P. If you can do this, you will feel better, and I think you will feel a bit more like maybe you do deserve the good things you have in your life. Its a bit like trying on a new set of clothes, I think. It will feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but after a while, the clothes will break in and feel more comfortable. Choselife - this is very helpful. I think that I don't always make the connections, you know, the feeling that proceeds looking at P. As much as I pride myself being a self aware, sensitive guy, I am absolutely horrible at recognizing patterns as they are unfolding. I tend to look back and say, "OH! Now I see!!" I mean, even last week, with the thing with my EX, I did not see how much she set me off, despite the fact that this has been a consistent pattern, not just for the last two years since we've been apart, for the 14 years that we were married. My SO actually asked me if that was what was bothering me, and I insisted that it wasn't. So I came home last night from the airport, late, and my SO was asleep, groggily said "hello, I love you," and went back to sleep. As much as I understood that she'd had a very long day, I felt, immediately, dejected, and I could, this time, see the slope that I was about to slide down. So I just stopped it. I mean I actually said, out loud, "No, I'm not going there." I wish I were not so dependent on her, and others', praise, but that is where I am right now, and I figure the first step in moving forward is precisely that, a first step. Applecar- thanks for the encouragement. It's amazing to me how different it feels to start the day with a positive plan. I have always been a list maker, setting out the tasks for the day, but this is different, this is about, for me, setting the attitude for the day. - run in the morning - focus on the things to look forward to in class today - use my free time positively - look at coming home tonight as a reward for a good day Peace
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 12, 2005 13:55:18 GMT -5
So I'm working on the positives today, but I'm struggling a bit.
One of the strange effects that I've found the P creates is that it makes me feel both very insecure (see above!) and very suspicious. I can have a simple phone call, and get off the phone thinking, "Uh oh, something's happening there, what's going on, what's wrong." I hate this. I mean, I feel totally anxious right now. It's a horrible feeling.
I've also realized that I cannot do this without a filter. With the free trial period, 14 days no problem. Trial period ends and I start peaking, looking, binging. So. If anyone has a recommendation, that would be great.
|
|
|
Post by choselife on Apr 12, 2005 15:41:50 GMT -5
I think that it is a terrific thing to accept where you are right now. It removes a lot of judgement and self-criticism, and enables you to examine where you're at and then move forward. And then you will be able to eventually get to where you want to go.
CL
|
|
|
Post by sisyphus on Apr 13, 2005 8:35:28 GMT -5
Small steps....
Decided to start the day with a run, rather than waiting for later in the day, when I can put it off. I continue to talk with my SO about my insecurities. Yesterday, I actually, after some prompting on her part, just came right out and said, "I'm feeling a little insecure today." And guess what...she didn't reject me, didn't tell me I'm not perfect so forget it. No, she actually talked with me about it.
Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? I say this because I think for me, more than anything else, that is my trigger. When I feel scared, vulnerable, needy, any one of a number of things, I reach for the P. I think it props me up, makes me feel needed.
My son, who is just 7, said something that really rattled me the other day. He said, "My dad always has lots of girlfriends. He never gets rid of one until he has a new one." Man, did that ever hit home. I'm sure this came from his mom, but what I realized is that it's been true over the last two years - I have never left a relationship, even a casual one, without first lining up a new relationship. It's like the minute I start to feel vulnerable I move on, but not until I'm sure that I've got a safety net. But it's not, ever, about safety.
This comment by my son has made me reflect on other aspects of my life. In what other ways do I do this? What am I so afraid of?
I will return to this topic, I think. In the meantime, that run....
|
|