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Post by sisyphus on Nov 6, 2007 14:28:15 GMT -5
Well, I came to the realization this morning that things haven't been working too terribly well. Ironically, I think I'm in probably the best emotional/psychological state since my divorce, which is significant. I feel I am dealing with the various baggage that I carry around fairly well, not hiding from it. My relationship with M is better than ever. I've made some peace with being so far from my kids - that pain is always there, but I'm just trying to accept that this is hard and will continue to be hard. So that all is good.
I've slipped back into pornography, though. Initially, when I decided to take a break from the board, I just decided that I wasn't going to focus on the porn. That only sort of worked. I was just trying to take a "let it be what it is" approach. I've been fooling myself, though, in thinking this was ok. Really, it comes down to, when I am honest with myself, asking the question: "Is this something you want to do?" And the answer is no, it's not. I'm not beating myself up here or seeing myself as some monster (been there), but I recognize that this is something I'd prefer not to be part of my life.
So that part is relatively simple.
I've taken some basic steps - put a filter on the home computer (which now as high speed internet, for my daughter), and will give the password to M for safekeeping. I'm going to be more diligent about keeping my laptop locked up at work. Little steps. But what I know that I have to do is get my head back into a "clean" frame of mind, and that's going to take a spell of "sobriety," a period of being away from the visuals. That's going to be more difficult, I know.
I will try to be more regular checking in here. This is a terribly busy time of the year. I'll be away again in a couple of weeks, at a conference, and that's going to be a huge thing, since it's a conference where I've crossed boundaries in the past. I'll keep that on the radar.
It's both nice and a little depressing to see so many familiar people here, and also to see all these new folks. Alas, things don't change much.....
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Post by Johannes on Nov 6, 2007 19:58:23 GMT -5
You're wrong, sis--things do change. On the surface, it looks as if we're just slipping and sliding, but hidden progress *is* made. I do believe that (even in my own case). I'm glad you gave M the password; I'm guessing this means you've been relatively frank with her about your current struggles? I think my literature students hate it, but I'm having a religious week this week--I told them about Atman and Brahman, and how we can pierce through the surface reality to find a true union with the divine. Acting out is a way to remain on the surface (well, I didn't tell my students that part.... Peace, Johannes
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 7, 2007 9:10:59 GMT -5
J - Hey, you just sound a lot better; thanks for checking in. And yes, I get the surface thing, in that engaging in OP, or any sort of fantasy, for that matter, is very much remaining on the surface, refusing to get to the heart of things. It's important to remember that.
I feel good this morning. I realized, though, that my conference is next week, not two weeks away (the Fall term does that), and I need to work out a plan. I'm supposed to meet M for coffee, and that could be stressful. We haven't seen each other for five years. I think I'm clear in my head that I have no desire to slip up, but I need to be really honest about that, and not put myself in a position that dooms me.
But that's only part of it. I'll be alone in a hotel again, with no accountability except myself. I've been ok about this, basically, trying to steer away from danger when I see it (I was at a conference two weeks ago and kept out of harms way, even when it was sitting right there). I guess, in the end, I just don't trust myself. Wow, that's a simple, bold little statement. I don't trust myself.
I have to think about this one, they why of it....
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 18, 2007 18:57:00 GMT -5
i've been really struggling. i'm away, and all my buttons are being pushed. it's hard for me to understand. how'd i get to this point, where i am just maintaining, just coasting on status quo, but it's no good at all. i feel like i'm just a hair away from doing something really stupd.
i've let all my sense of boundaries fall away. i don't know what's going on, really. it's not like i don't know what i'm playing with. the porn, as usual, is not really the problem - it's a symptom of the problem. i put myself in a situation the other night that was really, really stupid, and the only reason that it didn't go totally south was luck. i know that. so i have to pull myself together and start doing something different.
it's day 0. i need to clean up my thoughts, get my head in a better place. it's time, right now. enough.
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 19, 2007 12:09:57 GMT -5
I put myself in a rather stupid position last night. It turned out fine, but I really have to take seriously just how dangerous things can be. I was at a party, alone, and got to talking to a woman...just not using particularly good judgement.
I'm fine today, a long day, capped by travel, but I'll be home tonight and spend a long weekend with M and the kids. I'm vowing to check in here as often as I can.....
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 20, 2007 10:31:54 GMT -5
Back from my trip, a long one, and it's so good to be home again. Got in really late, and just felt like the world was lifted from my shoulders when I got into bed with M, who was fast asleep. And I lay there, reflecting on how crazy I can feel at times...why on earth would I ever put this at risk?
So, I think I destroyed my computer on the way home - a whole bottle of water got dumped on it, and now it won't respond. In some way, I feel vaguely relieved, since that computer has so many negative associations for me. But I'm a little scared...what if IT tries to fix it, and there's P on there (well, duh, of course there is, somewhere). I just cannot worry about this, since it's out of my control.
I feel very much clouded by the past few days, my mind still very much in that befogged state. I know it will pass, but I also know that I have to work at it right now, get some genuine clarity, and not just that initial sense of relief. It's been a while since I've been able to get myself into anything like a "clean" mental state. I've had little bouts of not indulging, but not really mentally.
It really is going to take some deep change, but right now, I want just to focus on getting some clean time under my belt.
And if the computer is fried, so be it...
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 20, 2007 12:33:37 GMT -5
I was just out running, and had this thought, "Man, I've let myself get so out of shape...how'd I get so fat." And then it occurred to me that this is the sort of thinking, this negativity, that can so easily lead me down a very nasty path. It starts there, and then I start picking apart my flaws, and get into the mode that I'm really not a good person...and of course not-good people do things like look at pornography.
So, I need to be very vigilant about keeping any sort of self-directed negative thoughts out of my head, and this includes even the most incidental of thoughts. The power of positive thinking....
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 21, 2007 10:28:25 GMT -5
Nothing particular to report today...clean, and intend to stay that way.
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 26, 2007 14:02:30 GMT -5
A good few days, then this morning I found myself flirting with the edges. Don't know why, exactly - habit, boredom, just don't want to face the day, I don't know.
I feel like I just need to back away right now, try to keep the sane part of me in focus.
And yes, my computer is fried. I got very worried last night about the whole thing, what might be on the hard drive. What can I do?
The K-9 filter, by the way, has helped a lot. I wish it worked better on the edges, but I have to remember that the filter is just a tool - if I don't use it it's useless.
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Post by sisyphus on Nov 27, 2007 10:13:15 GMT -5
OK, yesterday was not a great day. I spent way to much time seeing if I could get around my filter, which is just idiotic. And so I have to step back and ask, what was that about? I mean, my laptop got ruined and I spent a sleepless night thinking about what would happen when I took it to IT and they recovered what was on my hard drive. I lay there promising that this would be the end, that I never wanted to feel that way again. And then, when it seemed that the machine was just trashed and they weren't going to recover anything, I breathed this huge sigh of relief...and then came home and tried to see if I could beat my filter? What's wrong with me.
I've gone through this sort of thing many times. It's that feeling of "never? really never again?" I know that's why there's the old "one day at a time" adage, and yet, I have a hard time thinking in those terms. The SA in mean says, "Well, you'll never make it, you will slip, you always slip...so just go ahead and get it over with." Pathetic. But there it is.
And yesterday, I realized that it's the hunt, the pursuit, that is really at the heart of this thing for me. Just that mindless, numbing search for...for what? For that image that I've never seen, the perfect one...and that doesn't exist. And that, of course, is why this thing progresses for most of it, because we look for more and more novelty, more extreme, just plain old more...or different, which is really the same thing.
But there's more. I saw R at this conference, for the first time in 5 years. And I knew I'd see her, and I didn't really prepare myself for it. I invited her up to my room for a glass of wine. How stupid was that. And what was I thinking? That we start things up again? What insanity. And yet that's what I did, put myself right there. And so nothing at all happened...it was in my head.
And then the next night, I went to a reception, and walked home with this woman I'd just met...and what prevented me from again sliding down that slope? Not much, that's for certain. And so when I look at my behavior, I realize that I'm constantly, constantly putting myself right there in harm's way. Like walking out in the middle of the road just maybe to see if some truck will run me over. That's really what it's like. And I've been "lucky" in that I've not gotten hit lately...but I've been hit before, hard, and so I SHOULD know better.
Is it really just this deep vein of self destruction? Why? Why can't I just look at my life and say, "Damn, you sure are lucky to have what you have"? Why this constant need to (expletive) it all up, over and over again?
I know the answers to these questions, in one sense. I know it's about self worth, about liking (we'll just bracket the "loving" part for now) myself, thinking I'm worth it. And I know that on another level it doesn't really matter why. If I stand out there in the street and ask "Why am I doing this?" I'll still get run over. Just get out of the street, idiot!
I'm going to try, today, to limit my access to the computer, and to focus on the things I have to do - grading, mostly.
Yesterday afternoon, after spending way too much idle time on the computer, I forced myself to go for a long run, and I did so with the simple pep talk of "You will feel so much better if you do this." And guess what? I was right. So I'm going to try to take that simple little lesson and apply it today - do what will make you feel good. That would probably not make sense to a non-SA...after all, isn't that what we do, only think of ourselves, only indulge? No. Every time we act out, we are acting self destructively, not self indulgently. I have to remember that...I don't have to keep trying to destroy myself.
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Post by LookingForward on Dec 16, 2007 21:21:38 GMT -5
Jacob,
I'm sorry I didn't see your last post until just now. I'm concerned that this is the last entry in your journal, and you haven't been back since.
I've been in "beat-the-filter" mode a number of times in the past month, and it is as intoxicating as freely available porn. I've found that I can always find something arousing, even if it isn't conventional porn. So, we're both at a place where the filter prevents easy acting out, but doesn't help us deal with our addiction. We need to exert effort for that. I hope you can find the motivation to do that. Perhaps the break from work now will help.
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