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Post by sisyphus on Jul 27, 2006 12:36:51 GMT -5
I found myself really wanting to go back to one particular website this morning...found myself in mourning, essentially, missing my old "friends," wanting their comfort...and the addict in me kept saying that I could do this, just visit the one site.
This is very frustrating. The addict is so persuasive. We were having this little talk...he was trying to convince me that I was three weeks clean, which is good, but that the longer I go, the more it's going to suck when I do fall. "You'll be so upset with yourself...and you'll have to tell ML, and your therapist, and everyone on the board...and they'll all be so very disappointed in you. But if you slip today, everyone will say, 'Oh, that's too bad...three weeks was pretty good."
Now of course I know that none of this is true. But it's striking to me how cunning the addict is.
And the mourning? Yes, it's true, I miss the escape, the little high. I do. I miss the feeling of being loved and sexy and all that. I admit that I miss it. And I don't miss the feeling afterward at all. I'm not mourning that part of it. I don't miss the fear or the shame. But I'm an addict, and I want it all to be better RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I don't want to wait months and months and years. I want it ALL to better. And I'm pissed that I'm still dealing with all this (expletive). I want it to be over. I want to quit feeling sorry for myself. I want to have self respect and love myself. I don't want to have to work at. I don't want to be patient! I'm an addict, and I want it now!
And I know that I can't have it now. I know that what I want and what I would get are totally at odds. I KNOW all of this. But still....
I'm tired of being pissy with ML. I'm tired of being insecure...and jealous. Did I mention jealous? This just kills me. ML is so committed to us, and so open, and calls me all the time and tells me she loves me and...it's me who is not to be trusted. It's me who has cheated in the past (not with ML, although the porn is essentially cheating). So why am I jealous? Come on, my boy, look at that one. Because the addict you wants a crack...if she gives you something to be jealous about, then you can just go crazy. It's the addict.
I have always had a hard time saying goodbye to old girlfriends. Still. I got an email from C a couple of weeks ago...just a hello, sorry things ended so badly. That was two years and a lifetime ago...and of course I emailed back...kept the door a crack open. And I got an email from A earlier this week...same thing. Why leave the door cracked? Why not just say, "That is over, has been over for years...you don't want to go back there." Insecurity. But the thing is, all that leads to more insecurity, because if I'm like that, well ML must be like that, too.
God, this addict fellow is smart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not acting out today. I don't want to. The addict does, but he doesn't get to today. Today.
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 28, 2006 16:12:15 GMT -5
This morning, I had a kind of hangover from yesterday, and I really wanted to go on a good old binge. I went running, and I was openly checking out the women running the other direction; I fully intended to go get my laptop, take it home, and spend the day on a bender.
I got in a stupid fight with ML last night - totally my fault. Totally about my own insecurities and resentments. And this morning I was all self righteous, wouldn't talk to her, until, finally, she just wrapped her arms around me and forced me to talk. I just burst into tears, real sobbing. It was horrible. I felt like such an idiot. I felt like I was just gunning for her, just wanted to push her into seeing the ugly me that I feel inside. I was asking for rejection, pushing her to it, and she just said, over and over, "I love you so much."
That kind of shocked me out of it. The urges aren't there now. But what a ride it's been.
All of this is the addict. Dr. J, or Mr. H, I can never keep them straight. But they are both me.
If I'd had the computer at home, I would have binged all day. I felt like I deserved to feel miserable.
Is there ever going to come a point when I can just look in the mirror and like myself? love myself? What have I done that I feel this need to keep punishing myself?
I know some of these answers. Nothing. So, Jacob, stop with the self pity party. Enough. Send the guest home, get back to it.
And I'm clean, even if I didn't feel at all sober yesterday.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Post by choselife on Jul 29, 2006 1:52:48 GMT -5
You are blessed to have a wife who would give you that kind of reaction. That really shows knowing you deep inside and loving you despite knowing that you have issues to work out (like we all do). Great insight on your part about asking for rejection.
I can never keep it straight either. Look below, you owe me big time.
Hey, why not, just takes time. Keep working on it. Keep on taking those small steps to wellness (hey, thats a cool expression. Maybe I'll rename my journal once again.) Hold on a sec ... brb.
Darn, its already taken.
Most definitely dependent upon being sober. I'm sure you can reach heights that you can barely imagine if you do so. Keep the faith, dare to dream and don't sabotage yourself with acting out.
CL
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jul 29, 2006 6:01:36 GMT -5
Jacob,
The withdrawal effect seems to have kicked in, so you have to expect to feel weepy, sad, or other strong emotions. The important thing is to hang in there for six months of sober behaviour and the symptoms will have receded.
It isn't any use wishing things were different as this is how things are. You need to display courage and determination. Everyone has some kind of battle, even if they are not addicted to anything. So it's not unusual that you have a battle to fight, too.
You can do it!
Still
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Post by sisyphus on Jul 31, 2006 11:16:44 GMT -5
Thanks, Chose and Still. Funny, but I find that I'm mad that I have to fight it at all...mad that it's a battle. I want it to be easy. But of course it isn't, of course because no change, real change, is easy. So I need to just surrender that one...it's going to be a battle, sometimes harder than others, but never really easy.
Again, Monday morning rolls around and I find myself struggling. Again, wanted, maybe even intended, to run into the office and bring home the laptop. I just haven't shut that door yet, I don't know why. I had to go through the whole process in my head...the high, yes, but then the disgust, the purging of the computer, and then, tomorrow, dragging myself into the therapist's office and fessing up, and then telling ML, and then resetting my sobriety date...all for a few minutes of visual stimulation? What's pathetic is that I really was willing to trade all that for a little fix.
There's nothing in particular triggering me...just run-of-the-mill withdrawals, I suppose.
So what's the plan for today?
- run (done) - go to the office after breakfast, work on book - go buy flowers to plant on the balcony - pick up the kids, get them to help me - make dinner
Pretty simple stuff...now get to it!
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Post by dave1846 on Jul 31, 2006 11:33:37 GMT -5
Sisyphus, hang tought man!!! Keep fighting the good fight!! I am right behind you my brother!!! ~Dave
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Post by MJ on Jul 31, 2006 12:32:13 GMT -5
I had to go through the whole process in my head...the high, yes, but then the disgust, the purging of the computer, and then, tomorrow, dragging myself into the therapist's office and fessing up, and then telling ML, and then resetting my sobriety date...all for a few minutes of visual stimulation? What's pathetic is that I really was willing to trade all that for a little fix. EXCELLENT thought process, sisyphus! It's so true: the fleeting, temporary pleasure that we may derive from p and mb is simply not worth the pain and suffering afterwards. Our addict wants us to forget about CONSEQUENCES. As recovering, healing men and women, we are realizing that the CONSEQUENCES outweigh the binge sessions. As I have been telling myself over and over again, every day: It's simply NOT WORTH IT. So stay strong, bud, and know that we're all here fighting alongside of you. Peace, MJ
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Post by sisyphus on Oct 23, 2006 10:29:15 GMT -5
Time to get back to this...again. After my scary episode of last week, I promised that I would come back here, get back to regular check-ins.
I'm not a big fan of day counts, but I think I need to get back to holding myself accountable. So, in all honesty, this is day 1.
I had promised myself that I was not going to take my computer with me this weekend, but then I managed to convince myself - that my addict doing the talking - that I needed access to my email, etc. Well, that ended up exactly as I would have predicted. The numbing search for something that I know doesn't exist. But it's just numbing. Funny thing is, I can SEE the insanity of it, but that doesn't stop me.
It's just time to get back to work, to being active about this thing and not letting myself slip into passivity.
That's all for this morning.
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Post by LookingForward on Oct 23, 2006 13:47:26 GMT -5
You gotta start somewhere. If you can get a few weeks of sobriety behind you, this will suddenly get a lot easier. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of white knuckles between now and then.
Maybe you should subscribe to the (free) Ralph Waldo Emerson podcast and listen to that whenever you feel tempted.
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Post by sisyphus on Oct 24, 2006 10:45:24 GMT -5
Ha, that's funny. Emerson on my ipod....
This is officially Day 2. How many such days have I had? This is why I don't like to count days...it's depressing, and then I get to 10 or 15 and say what's the point...back to 1. But it's just a day.
Firs thing this morning, I sat down and read the post that Balthazar wrote about his porn files popping up in one of his classes, and that was just the reminder I needed - that could so easily happen to me. And that is the perplexing thing, that although I have always known that, I still act as if somehow I'm immune.
There's an SA meeting that I feel I should attend, but I'm struggling, in that it has never really worked for me - but I know that it would help. Get off the fence, man!
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Post by sisyphus on Oct 24, 2006 14:29:36 GMT -5
I was thinking today about how I ended up where I was in my recent fall - how did I get so far away from where I had been, how did I get to the point where I was willing to throw away my work laptop in order to cover my behavior? And then I realized that I got there in the same way that I have gotten to healthy places - small steps.
So, for me, the first little step is doing seemingly innocent google image searches. But they aren't innocent. That then leads to very specific searches...then websites, and so on. Each move, each steps, takes me farther and farther away from sane. And then I find myself somewhere I don't recognize, doing things that seem, on some sick level, "normal". What is acceptable gets totally screwy. And then I do this whole rationalization game...well, it's not as bad as it COULD be. But then it gets worse and worse with each little step, and pretty soon what once seemed totally insane seems relatively sane, because it's not as bad as where I've gotten to. God!
So here I sit, rational, able to see it all so clearly. But I know, I know deeply, that if I let myself take that first little step, I'm done. My bottom line, really, has to be that first little step.
So, my new definition of my bottom line is this: ANY site that could be seen as pornographic, any attempt to access such a site, even if I don't actually go there (as in those google searches). I mean, I know this is my bottom line. It's always been my bottom line. But I've deluded myself, and set my bottom line so much higher in the past (it used to be sex outside of my relationship - how deluded is that, as a bottom?). Thus I've stayed "clean" but certainly not sober.
Now it's time to be both clean and sober - thank you CL, for expressing that in your journal.
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Post by choselife on Oct 24, 2006 14:44:57 GMT -5
Very well put. But I suggest that you do your best to never even let your mind linger on the thought of doing this surfing, as you may find that even letting your mind linger may result in "being done", as for me, that is the case. Don't treat lingering as bottom line, but just as a warning that bottom line may be just around the corner. Plus, letting your mind linger in and of itself I always find to be depressing, deenergizing, and disempowering (I ran out of words beginning with D. Oh, no, just thought of one more ... Dumb.
CL
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Post by LookingForward on Oct 24, 2006 16:37:48 GMT -5
Ha, that's funny. Emerson on my ipod.... When I subscribed a couple of weeks ago, the essay was on prudence. How appropriate is that! The last couple have been on self-reliance. It's ranked #64 on iTunes.
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Post by sisyphus on Oct 25, 2006 13:00:11 GMT -5
Thanks for the words of wisdom, CL. Yes, that's what happens - it starts as a mental image, which then progresses to lingering on that image.... I think I'm coming to realize that by the time I actually start with the computer, I've already gone to a place that I don't think I can turn back from. It's as if I've already convinced myself. What I'm working on is avoiding that place altogether - and that, I know, is going to take some really difficult work, retraining my mental processes. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that's the easy part.
LF - I haven't checked the Emerson site, but I will. We could all probably do with a little more prudence. I was thinking, though, about morality this morning, about why or how it is that I don't seem to have many ethical and moral boundaries. It's all pretty porous for me, and that's not such a great way to live.
Day 3. Modest progress, but progress nonetheless.
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Post by sisyphus on Oct 26, 2006 10:50:06 GMT -5
Day 4
I decided after I left the office last night, after a long, long day of teaching that begin at 9 and ended at 9, that I would like to note, at the end of every day when I am in the office, that I am leaving the computer. That is the first step in sobriety for me. It's a commitment to be sober.
I'm not feeling the pull of this addiction much these past few days. I've been trying to practice banishing any thoughts, any lingering, as soon as I have them. I was driving home from dropping my daughter at school, and something minor triggered an unhealthy thought, and I just said to myself, "no, you aren't going there," and tried to conjure up a mental image of my kids. That worked!
I read through several threads, new members, about being caught by their wives. That is a terrible, terrible moment. All the fervor of the newly converted is evident. But then so often things don't explode, they get patched over, the sting of being caught fades, and the addiction kicks back in. If only there were some way to make that sting constantly present. I wish that I could be eternally aware of the fear and panic of feeling that I'd been caught. The insanity of dealing with my crashed laptop.... For now, I'm trying to spend some time on that moment every day. Not in guilt or shame, just as a reminder. And in a sad sort of way, all of those new members serve that purpose for me as well. I am them, only a click away, only a stupid mistake away. It's humbling.
I will not look at pornography today. I will not allow myself to dwell on the mental images. Not today.
Oh, and another thing this morning...I got a short email from A, the woman with whom I had an affair, the affair that crashed my marriage, finally. She does this every few months. Usually I write back immediately, hoping. Not today. I have nothing to say to her, no need to back to that, dwell on that high, wallow in the mistakes and all that I have lost as a result of it. I am happy today, now, exactly where I am.
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