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Post by waterbug on Dec 3, 2005 20:42:23 GMT -5
Hello everyone..
This is quite a neat thing for me to find. There are "many" issues that I'm dealing with in my life right now. But on the short side, my moral compas has no bearing, and my spiritual light has dimmed.
I have been struggling with P and MB for many years. In all honsety it has probably resulted (or seriously helped) in my lack of moral behavior and judgement. This has cost me everything in life that is very dear to me, marriage and family (this hurts), testimony, self esteeme and self respect. I have now closed myself off from everyone and everthing. The only thing I have allowed in lateley is internet porn and pay-per-view.
I am an LDS member, but would not consider myslef active. I do it for my kids. Over the last year, I have lost my desire to be active, due to my situation and perhaps perception of what other members might think.. This has been a struggle for me for a long time now. I always went through the motions, but until now (and on my own) I never truley understood the grasp that a sexual addiction can have on a person... let alone myself.
btw...If anyone has information or can point me to literature on how P and MB effects you emotionally (you brain functions), I would like to learn more about these and all other pert information.
Thank you again... I'm aboard, ready to make a change.
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Post by riverdude on Dec 3, 2005 22:58:11 GMT -5
Welcome waterbug! It's great to have you here  ! As I say to everyone - feel free to send me a message anytime - we're all here to help. As far as your specific questions - I don't know. However there are some pretty knowledgable and resourceful people on this site. I've found by reading at least a few of the posts everyday that some the questions I have, had and forgotten, or even haven't yet thought about are answered by hearing other people's stories and advice. I hope this will be one of the good places to turn to in your fight. we're here for you, rd |
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Post by ladybug71 on Dec 3, 2005 23:49:58 GMT -5
MikeZ and all others-welcome! Great to see all the news guys/gals here.
MikeZ-in answer to your question, my SO knows. I've "told her" about some of my indesgressions in the past, but had never really come clean. I had never really admitted that I was addicted, or that I really had a problem. It was more of a "yeah, I've looked at porn and now I can't get my Temple Recommend renewed, but I'm dealing with it". We installed an internet filter, and she has the password. She was thinking everything was fine, but it wasn't. Long story short, I finally fessed up that I was still acting out, and I've made a commitment to myself and her to be honest, even about the bad stuff. It's been hard, but it's been rewarding, too. She has been very understanding and supportive, and the "no more secrets" commitment has been a very great stimulus to me to keep working on my PA.
Not sure what to advise you about your wife. I tend to agree, I think, with what a previous person said (sorry-forgot who), though... eventually, she'll find out. My advice? Lots of prayer and humility that her heart will be softened.
Also, if you are concerned about her, you gotta get very serious about your recovery. A large part of why my wife has been as supportive as she has (I think) is that I am very committed to making my recovery stick. She sees my daily efforts, and it really helps her believe that this thing will not ruin everything.
Good luck with things. You CAN beat this, but you need help (as do we all). This board is a great resource, but only the Master can really redeem us.
lb
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Post by iwant2change on Dec 4, 2005 20:31:32 GMT -5
Hi GLewis - #44
Whoa, whoa! One step at a time!
You have excellent points, but the life changing experiences you mention are going to take time. My first step is to get a firm grip on this p thing, which thanks to this board I think I am on the right track.
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Post by iwant2change on Dec 4, 2005 20:44:41 GMT -5
I have a question for you, and everyone else, my wife (or anyone else) has no idea what my problem is...in fact she thinks that I have no problems. Does your wife or anyone else know about your problem? No, not yet. To traumatic to contemplate. (Others on this forum have stressed the importance of doing so, so I have re-evaluated my position on this topic). |
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Post by iwant2change on Dec 4, 2005 20:51:39 GMT -5
and with the help of you brothers <-------- *Ahem* I was going to ask you, iw2c, you mentioned that you were "different" at the age of 7 or so, just like I was. By going to therapy you might discover why that was the case, just like I did. Were you abused or neglected as a child perchance? I don't know what you mean by *Ahem*  In reference to your abuse question, thats very interesting. My mother and I were talking about my childhood recently ( like within the last 3 years and I am in my mid 40's). I talked about how I use to "play doctor" with the girls my age in the neighborhood. Then she said something that really floored me. She said "well, you also use to play doctor with the older boys when you were little". What really bothers me about this is that I have no recollection of playing doctor with the older boys. I can remember the experiences I had with the girls, but not the older boys. Am I subconsciously blocking these events? Does this explain (in part) my current predicament? I don't know. |
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mikez
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Post by mikez on Dec 5, 2005 11:44:01 GMT -5
Thank you all for the support. It's sooooo comforting to hear all of your stories...not that I'm taking comfort in your pain...well, you know what I mean.
I am happy to report that over the weekend, there was free Showtime, HBO...and I watched none of it. I feel completely blessed by this discussion board already. What a great source of strength.
Anyway, I think that I'll be logging on first thing each morning when I get to work. Since work is where 99% of my trouble is (high speed internet connection with no filters or network), this will be a great help.
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Post by waterbug on Dec 5, 2005 23:51:33 GMT -5
You know... Something that has helped me thus far is figuring out my triggers. I "think" if I can undersand why the addiction and craving happens it might help me "self talk" my way out of things.
Some of them.... Stress is huge with me, another is oggling at women but trying to look them in the eyes. I never realized how my actions or "triggers" could lead me in the wrong direction. Reading some articles it mentioned that your brain already starts its addiction before you acutally get yourself into p and mb.
thanks for you posts...
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Post by foxbat on Dec 6, 2005 4:04:59 GMT -5
I don't know what you mean by *Ahem* I was referring to you addressing only the brethren of the thread when I am a girl. (The arrow was pointing to my gender on the left.) It was a gentle reminder that both men and women are affected by SA and both can add their support and help; hopefully you don't mind me speaking up, even though you weren't referring to me directly. That's very interesting indeed. And it's interesting that that's the first thing that popped into your head as that always tended to be the most important things to me in therapy (gut instincts you know). All I can say is, you never know. There very well could have been some sexual abuse there, but without memories of it, you can't know yet. But one misnomer about sexual addiction is that it is caused only by sexual abuse. It can also be caused by physical, verbal, and emotional abuse as mine was. Was there any of that in your home growing up? You didn't mention any neglect. And by neglect I don't mean your parents leaving you home alone for weeks at a time, I mean emotional neglect. They made sure your essential needs were always met but you were always left wanting for nurture. People become addicts in one form or another because they are looking to replace the hole in their emotional upbringing with something else, whether that be alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. Anyway, some food for thought. |
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Post by Gewis on Dec 6, 2005 4:08:07 GMT -5
Yeah, emotional neglect is a good way to describe my upbringing.
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Post by foxbat on Dec 6, 2005 4:38:00 GMT -5
You know... Something that has helped me thus far is figuring out my triggers. I "think" if I can undersand why the addiction and craving happens it might help me "self talk" my way out of things. Some of them.... Stress is huge with me, another is oggling at women but trying to look them in the eyes. I never realized how my actions or "triggers" could lead me in the wrong direction. Reading some articles it mentioned that your brain already starts its addiction before you acutally get yourself into p and mb. thanks for you posts... Excellent post, WB. I realize a lot of triggers are different for men and women, but I wanted to add my experiences to this. When I first started documenting my triggers on paper it was quite revealing. My therapist gave me instructions that whenever I thought about sex to write down the emotion immediately preceeding it. Turns out a very distinctive pattern emerged. Anger always preceeded sex. I never learned to deal with anger properly--just bottled it up. I didn't have a release for anger, but I sure had one for sex. Now this anger was later uncovered as all forms of pain and sadness only disguised as anger. So instead of dealing with the "anger"-turned-pain I turned it into sex and acted out instead. Every single time. That's a lot of times, especially given the amount of pain I was in from my abusive childhood. Conclusion? My triggers: sadness, loneliness, rejection My point? Men and women are not as different as you may think. Yes, a certain photo will turn you on most definitely, (and of course porn, duh), but it is our state of minds that are affecting our resistence to these things. It is our opinions of ourselves and our true self-esteem that define if we are "better than this" or not. My LDS Services therapist deals almost exclusively with male SAs (I'm his only female) and he admits that while the emotional triggers sometimes differ slightly from men to women (actually, rejection is usually common), the keywords there are the same: emotional triggers. The part about how your brain starts you in your addiction long before you're into p or mb? Absolutely true. And it's because of this. You can be geared up days beforehand and you'll never know it. But if you understand which moods start you down that path you can prevent it later on. You may think it was that hot chick trouncing on down the street that made you run home and look at porn, when in fact it turns out it was actually your wife turning you down for sex (ie, rejecting you) that made you "edgy" and angry that made you go for a walk in the first place. The hot chick was just your final excuse. We protect ourselves with porn. Yeah, I thought it sounded crazy at first too, but I've seen and felt it firsthand. We use it to escape reality, to deaden the pain of life, so we don't have to feel whatever it is we're feeling right then. The trick is to find another way to feel life without having to resort to such disatrous measures. Agree or disagree? |
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Post by ladybug71 on Dec 6, 2005 11:27:08 GMT -5
...one misnomer about sexual addiction is that it is caused only by sexual abuse. It can also be caused by physical, verbal, and emotional abuse as mine was. One last addition here... in my case, there was no sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse (at least none that I've identified)... for me, it was some curiosity as a child, followed by consistently making some poor choices. One poor choice fed into the next, and the result is a childhood mixed with exposure to things a child shouldn't have let himself be exposed to. Some blame might go to my dad for having bad mags in the house, but not all. Sometimes, we just make stupid choices. Eventually, we have to pay the price and learn how to make correct decisions instead. lb |
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mikez
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Post by mikez on Dec 6, 2005 12:21:10 GMT -5
Very good discussion on triggers, etc. The only trigger I can think of off the top of my head is boredom (laziness). If I have something I know needs to be done, or if people are around, I'm fine. The second I'm alone, my thoughts automatically lead me to P. I think one thing I can do is to recongnize in advance when I'm going to be alone and plan activities for those times. 99% of the time, I know when alone time is coming, so I hope this can help me.
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Post by iwant2change on Dec 6, 2005 12:52:08 GMT -5
Foxbat -
You'll have to forgive my obtuseness! For some reason I just don't associate pa with women, but it exists. Sorry.
You asked if we thought men and women had basically the same triggers with regard to pa. I can only give you my uneducated guess.
Its seems to me, as I read the posts by the men on this board, that mb is almost universally associated with pa. But is that true for women? I don't get the impression that it is. This seems to say that there is a stronger visual component with pa for men then women. I do agree, though, that psychological factors are a main component in pa. When I am depressed, tired, mad, or bored, this is when I am most vulnerable to the need for a p release. I would be curious to know what the ratio is between men who seek help for pa/sa vs. women who seek help.
I could be and probably am way off base on this, but you asked...
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Post by foxbat on Dec 7, 2005 3:24:57 GMT -5
One last addition here... in my case, there was no sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse (at least none that I've identified)... for me, it was some curiosity as a child, followed by consistently making some poor choices. One poor choice fed into the next, and the result is a childhood mixed with exposure to things a child shouldn't have let himself be exposed to. Some blame might go to my dad for having bad mags in the house, but not all. Sometimes, we just make stupid choices. Eventually, we have to pay the price and learn how to make correct decisions instead. Ladybug, how old were you? You're doing something here that I used to do before therapy and I wouldn't have noticed it then and I probably would have agreed with you then, too, but looking at it now it's making me very uncomfortable and actually even quite sad. You're placing all of the blame for these unfortunate events on yourself, who was an innocent child who could NOT have known any better at the time, when none of this would have happened had your father not have had porn in the house to begin with. What your father did was wrong. Flat-out, no question, wrong. Do you understand why it's so important that we break this addiction before it affects our families to the point of breaking them? Because it can pass into the next generation, just like it did with your family. It was not your fault that your father brought porn into your home, do you understand? The primary blame rests with him, not with you. Childhood curiosity is inborne. Of course you would look. But he didn't have to introduce it. Stop blaming yourself for what someone else did. It doesn't make your father a bad person--we all recognize that. It just means he made the big mistake there, not you. But you're right, it's your responsibility now to fix it and any other issues in your life that need fixing. |
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