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Post by woodstock310 on Dec 1, 2005 2:39:35 GMT -5
Yes, I know. It's a great thing to know. Soon I'll be able to be part again of that which I admire so much. Maybe this time I'll actually get past decon. It's hard going back to church when I haven't been regularly since I was a boy. Thank you.
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Post by foxbat on Dec 1, 2005 3:48:32 GMT -5
Hello, I'm new here. I'm LDS too, of course, and I'm excited to find you. How many of you are there here?
A little about myself: I've been a SA since I was six or so and I've been working with bishops since my BYU days. I've been working specifically with my LDS Services therapist for seven months or so now and I feel I've made a lot of progress, although I very nearly slipped up badly on Monday--caught myself though. I've been "sober" about two months. I say "about" because wouldn't you know it, the one time I don't keep track is finally when I stop for a long time. Dang it.
Anyway, I'm excited to be here and to talk to you all. Hi!
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Post by Gewis on Dec 1, 2005 4:20:59 GMT -5
I've been "sober" about two months. I say "about" because wouldn't you know it, the one time I don't keep track is finally when I stop for a long time. Hmm... do you think that's coincidence?
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Post by riverdude on Dec 1, 2005 22:53:19 GMT -5
Welcome foxbat. And congratulations!! I hope you keep coming to this website. I feel it will be a good addition (and I say "addition" because I feel everything you do that helps is good and we don't need to supplement one thing for another - but do both if we can) to what you seem to be already doing. your brother, rd
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Post by foxbat on Dec 1, 2005 23:26:38 GMT -5
Hmm... do you think that's coincidence? Huh. I never even thought about that. But I guess in a way that kinda makes sense though, doesn't it? If I wasn't even paying enough attention at the time, then maybe that was a very good sign of things to come. If it's not even at the front of my mind all the time like that, then it's the beginning of a good pattern. Fascinating. Thank you for the insight! And thank you for the warm welcome, rd! I haven't had time to look around here too much, but I hope to do so in the near future.
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Post by iwant2change on Dec 2, 2005 12:43:14 GMT -5
Hi
I'm LDS, 45 years old, marrried for 20+ years, and the father of 2. I am also a pa.
In an effort to combat my p and mb addiction, I did some searching on the internet for something that could help me out of my misery. I thank god that I found this site.
As I read your stories about your battles with pa , I am totally blown away by the similarities between your struggles and mine. I could literally cut and paste snippits of your stories to create my story. This, I guess, has been the most comforting aspect of finding this site, which is the realization that there are others out there who also are waging the same type of war that I am.
There are things I have done in my life relating to p and mb that as I look back on them now disgust, frighten, and anger me. I hope you will indulge me as I relate a couple of events. I have never told anyone these things, but as you know part of the recovery progress is to be able to confront things you have done in the past in order to be aware of and avoid them in the future.
I remember the first time I was exposed to p. I was about 7 or 8 and my friends and I discovered some discarded Playboy magazines in the field. Unlike my friends, who were mostly amused by the pictures of naked women, I was "affected". I didn't quite understand what this meant, but as I got older I realized that I was different. P affected me differently than those whom I associated with. Fortunately for me, until the internet appeared, getting p required some real effort, so I was fairly safe. If I stumbled upon a p magazine, I would usually take it home and mb dozens of times over a weeks period then throw it away. "I'm done with this crap. I am better then this" I would always tell myself. "I have more self control than this". Of course, I didn't.
It wasn't until about 3 years after I was married that I realized the depths of my problem. I found a Penthouse in a dumpster and took it home to our apartment. After "using" it, I was disguested with myself and vowed never to mb again with p again. So I took it out and threw it into a big dumpster that was behind our apartment. About 3 in the morning the the p demon was tormenting me. I had to get the magazine. So, (and this part disgusts me sometimes to the point of tears) at 3 in the morning, I was out climbing in a freakin' dumpster, sorting through garbarge, trying to recover the magazine. That I would have to resort to such drastic and revolting depts to feed the beast made me realize that something was not right with me. But, these realizations weren't enough to make me change.
My addiction to p and mb (for me they always went hand in hand) really didn't become a full blown crisis until I started working from home. It was at about this time that I discovered the incredible amount of free p that was available at the click of a mouse. A whole new world of seemingly endless p was availble 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I was now consumed. I would spend 3 hours (instead of working) in the morning using p, and would wake up at 2:00 when everyone was asleep and use p again. Sometimes every day! I hated myself. I hated what p was doing to me. It was taking my life.
I have been p free for about a week, and with the help of you brothers, I think I can now fight my addiction with new resolve, head on, in what I have come to realize is a life or death struggle.
From this board I realized a few of key aspects to fighting pa. In retrospect I guess these things should have probably been intuitively obvious, but as I have come to realize, pa numbs the senses and clouds the thinking. The first thing that I realized is that pa is a daily battle. Victories are measured in hours and days, not years. Second, I am not alone. This is very comforting, because I believe others around us see us as "perverts", and I am sure if I wasn't a p addict I would probably agree with them. Third, pa is an addiction like any other addiction. When I first started reading the posts on this board, the terminology that is used to describe the recovery process really suprised me. I guess I had never thought of my pa as a real addiction that required the same steps to overcome as addictions to drugs and alcohol did.
I still have much to share, mostly regarding what pa has done to my relationship with my wife and with the lord. But I think this post is long enough for now.
Thanks again, brothers, for providing a place where I could share my story and be associated with others who share the same problem.
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Post by ladybug71 on Dec 2, 2005 18:49:15 GMT -5
Welcome, iwant2change.
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mikez
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by mikez on Dec 2, 2005 19:05:45 GMT -5
Hello all,
I am LDS and am addicted to P and MB. This is my first time on this site. I am so relieved to see that you all are here with me. I feel like such a low life because of this stupid problem I have, but I know I can overcome with the Lord's help. I started reading the BofM daily about 4 months ago in hopes that it would give me the strength to stop with the P and MB. I did great for a couple of months but then lulled myself into thinking that I had done it. Anyway, obviously the problem is back. Nobody know about my problem...Nobody even has a clue. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at hiding it. It would probably be easier to kick if someone (on this earth) knew. That is why I am here. I know this is anonymous, but it feels pretty good to know that other people now know my deep, dark secret. I probably look at P and MB once or twice a week. It happens when I am alone in the office. All other aspects of my life are fantastic, but this problem is always in the back of my mind. Sorry for dumping on you all, but any help or advice you may have for me would be welcome. Oh, does anyone know of any LDS SA groups in the Portland, Or area?
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mikez
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by mikez on Dec 2, 2005 19:13:38 GMT -5
Welcome Iwant2change! I read your post after I had posted my own lengthy 1st time post. Your problem sounds similar to mine. I am 33, married with 2 kids and 1 on the way.
I have a question for you, and everyone else, my wife (or anyone else) has no idea what my problem is...in fact she thinks that I have no problems. Does your wife or anyone else know about your problem?
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Post by riverdude on Dec 2, 2005 22:49:32 GMT -5
iwant2change and mikez - welcome I am new to this site as well but have been battling this addiction with help for a while. It has blessed me in many ways as I'm sure it will do the same for you. for both of you I would suggest starting a recovery journal (there's a whole section of em if you haven't seen them already). I has helped me a lot in telling my story from the past and day by day. As I said in one of my own entries - it's like a journal that can talk back to you and give you advice. I also think it's helpful to have our own writing in front of us. It helps us admit to ourselves that this is really us doing - we really wrote those words - and we can't hide from the truth. "And the truth shall set you free" also mikez I don't know if that means that you stopped reading - maybe I'm just thinking of myself. If I ever slip I also have the temptation to feel that I'm not worthy to read or it won't help (especially if I just slipped) - but have found that the faster you get back on the horse the faster you'll get to where you're going. I've made a goal for myself to read everyday - no matter what I do - and it has been a MAJOR help to me. I'm here for you both and am happy that you're here. I'm just a single BYU student but our struggles have much in common. feel free to send me a message anytime. your brotha, rd
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Post by iwant2change on Dec 3, 2005 1:24:30 GMT -5
Hi MikeZ
In answer to your question: no, noone knows.
I desperately want to tell my wife, but I know without a doubt she would leave me. Her comments in the past about pa's scare me to death. Comments like "perverts" and "those guys need to be arrested" leave no doubt as to what would happen if I sat her down and talked to her about my addiction. I'm hoping one day that may change. Plus, I want to be able to say to her "I've been p free for over a year" before I talk to her about it. Telling her "I've been p free for about 2 days" just isn't going to cut it.
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Post by foxbat on Dec 3, 2005 3:30:27 GMT -5
and with the help of you brothers <-------- *Ahem* I was going to ask you, iw2c, you mentioned that you were "different" at the age of 7 or so, just like I was. By going to therapy you might discover why that was the case, just like I did. Were you abused or neglected as a child perchance?
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Post by foxbat on Dec 3, 2005 3:55:23 GMT -5
Here's where you all get a glimpse of the real Foxbat. I'm very straight-forward (but I'm nice, believe me). I desperately want to tell my wife, but I know without a doubt she would leave me. No, you don't know that. You're only assuming that. How many PAs does she know personally? How many has she witnessed struggle through this problem? How many has she loved? How many has she helped through recovery herself? Does she even know exactly what a PA is? Or just what the media has told her? I'm going to guess the latter since she thinks "they all belong in jail." Now would be a wonderful opportunity to educate her and show her that perfectly mentally healthy, kind, husbandly churchy people like you can be PA/SAs too. "And I've already talked with the bishop about it and he agrees that I need counseling, which I'm starting in three weeks." That might help ease things, and show her your dedication to recovery. As for your "two days won't cut it," who's to say that once you are porn-free for a year that you won't put it off until you've been porn-free for two? That's even better, right? Shows an even better committment. How about five? Ten? On your death-bed? Two days are better than none. Just the fact that you have shown a dedication to change and are willing to do whatever it takes to kick this addiction and take control and make your marriage what it should be, not this illusion that it is now is what will (should) convince her that you are on the right track, not the number of days or months or years. It's your heart, not your calendar at this point. You will have setbacks and what happens to your calendar then? Does that make your determination worthless? I should think it would strengthen your resolve all the more. And guess what? If your wife leaves you, she leaves you. It'll either be now, or 15 years from now when she finally finds out you've been lying to her for your entire marriage. But as my therapist told me, "There's only one way to find out!" You have two situations here, but only one gives you the control over when and how she finds out and how delicately you put it. It's your choice.
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Post by nurlond on Dec 3, 2005 16:02:58 GMT -5
Welcome to the newcomers. I hope you find strength here.
TA
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Post by Gewis on Dec 3, 2005 20:09:28 GMT -5
Iwant2change,
As I understand it, sincere repentance involves confession and restitution. Confession to your priesthood leader, of course, and confession to those you have wronged. President Kimball asked a series of questions, which I think we can all use to sort of self-assess how we are in our repentance:
Do you wish to be forgiven?
Could you accept excommunication for the sin if deemed necessary? Why do you feel that you should not be excommunicated? (He was addressing somebody with a more serious sin than pornography watching, but they're good questions to consider: could you accept it if it was deemed necessary?) If you were, would you become bitter at the Church and its officers? Would you cease your activities in the Church? Would you work your way back to baptism and restoration of former blessings even through years?
What have you done to prove your repentance? How much did you pray before the sin? How much during? How much since?
Are you attending meetings? Paying tithing?
Have you told your wife or your parents? Have you confessed your total sins?
Are you humble now? Is it the result of "being forced to be humble"?
Have you wrestled with your problems as did Enos? Has your soul hungered for your soul's sake? Did you "cry unto him" a day-long prayer and into the night and raise your voice high that it reached the heavens, as did Enos?
How much have you fasted?
How much suffering have you endured? Is your guilt "swept away"?
-Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness (page 161)
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