|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 18, 2007 13:03:50 GMT -5
I kinda lump them all together. Shame, humiliation, fear all make me witdraw, pull inward, close up, but this all confused with the anger. I think what happens sometimes is I feel ashamed, stupid, whatever, usually beause of someones reponse to something I have done. Made a mistake at work and been corrected for it, but not nicely. I think my initial reaction most of the time is (expletive) you, shut the (expletive) up. Not always wanting to be confrontional (and get fired), I sit on the anger and then the shame and humililation come up, maybe becuase I was afraid to express myself. I find that one I get pissed off and say something, the anger usually dissapates and I dont feel the shame and humilition.
BTW, don't let puddle jumper bait you. Tell him to go (expletive) off and put him on ignore.
|
|
cammy
Full Member
Posts: 221
|
Post by cammy on Dec 18, 2007 13:10:45 GMT -5
I'll do that to the little leaper.
"I find that one I get pissed off and say something, the anger usually dissapates and I dont feel the shame and humilition." Dude you gotta teach me how to quote!
Anger as overlay? A familiar place.
I see a reactive guy in your story. You can get hurt (me too). These are good things. I think leaving the addiction behind may let you grow in resilience, internalise less. Whattya got to hide right???
Geez it's cold today.
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Dec 18, 2007 14:34:46 GMT -5
BF,
Glad to see that life is going well. Stay clean today.
MrOuch
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 19, 2007 0:46:46 GMT -5
Whew, long day. Working on the fridge all afternoon. Finally, got it running and had same problem again. It does appear that Mrs. BF has solved the problem. We made it a joint project and just finished, actually had fun doing it. And yes, dear you did figure out the electrical problem.
I must say, (mrs. bf), that I feel like I am a newlywed!! Smiles and full of joy again. Has been a long day but better this way then a long day in gloom and despair. Thank you! Thank you!
Another day sober
Nite nite.
Mr and Mrs. BF
|
|
anew
Junior Member
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle
Posts: 80
|
Post by anew on Dec 19, 2007 3:07:10 GMT -5
Hi,
Congratulations on doing so well so far - it sounds like things are really becoming postitive for you. Keep it up is all I can say.
I find it really encouraging to read your journal at the moment - I am glad everything is so positive. It is nice to see how things can go right for people here.
Thanks for posting in my journal a while ago and Thankyou for sharing your smiles and joy with the rest of us. Although I am a long way from your relationship situtation (being young), it lifts my day to see you doing well.
Anew.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 19, 2007 9:02:27 GMT -5
Quick note and I have to hit the road.
Anew, thanks for stopping by and the kind words.
Every day is a learning lesson, sometimes painful, sometimes fun,sometimes inspirational.
So days I feel truly blessed, finding this board, starting recovery,having a wonderful supportive wife who has stuck with me despite all my attempts to reject her and push her away,my kids, just being alive and well.
I pray for strength for all those struggling with this and other addictions. I pray for the families of those in addiction. Strength, courage and above all, hope.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 19, 2007 17:33:58 GMT -5
(expletive) (expletive) (expletive) (expletive). I AM ON MY SON'S PC BECAUSE I PICKED UP SOME PIECE OF SPYWARE THAT KEPT HIJACKING MY BROWSER EVEN AFTE RUNNING VIRUS SCAN. WHEN I JUST LOGGED INTO THE BOARD SOME (expletive)ING PIECE OF (expletive) AD FOR SOME (expletive)ING P SITE TRIED TO LOAD. I HIT CLOSE AND TURNED MY HEAD AND DIDNT SEE ANYTHING BU I AM (expletive)ING PISSED OFF GET ME FIVE MINUTES IN A CLOSED ROOM WITH THE PIECE OF (expletive) THAT WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS I WILL GUARANTEE HE WILL NEVE TYPE ANYTHNG AGAIN. (expletive) (expletive)
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 20, 2007 9:09:33 GMT -5
What a (expletive)ed up day yesterday. Guess i will copy my post this morning.
I could have slipped yesterday
But I didn't.
Somehow I have managed to pick up a virus on my PC. It is a browser hijacker that takes you to various sites depending on what in currently in the browser window. When I clicked no-porn to go to the board I noticed I huge lag as it started to load, a separate window opened and I could see what was obviously a P site, slowly(thankfully)load. I hit the close window and turned my head. Didn't see anything, thankfully.
My PC is completely hosed, anti virus wont fix it. I am using my son's until I can re-install windows on mine.
The good news. I had NO desire to look(or wait and look) at whatever was trying to load. In fact, I felt a rush of panic as the window slowly opened, that I would not be able to close it. Interestingly, it was the same adrenaline fueled surge of panic that I felt when I was still using and Mrs bf came home early and I was desperately trying to close multiple windows and erase my history.
The bad news. I could have erased the browser history and told Mrs bf I had some OS issues and needed to reinstall windows.
CAN'T DO THAT, NO QUESTION, NO SECOND THOUGHTS. OUR AGREEMENT SINCE I COMMITTED TO SOBRIETY IS 100% HONESTY, NO LYING BY OMISSION, NO HALF TRUTHS. ABSOLUTE, RIGOROUS HONESTY ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So, I told her what happened. Did she believe me. Yes and no. Wanted to but 15 years history of lies, denial and deceit. I got scared and I KNOW I tried to over elaborate about what happened and why. She finally told me, "Stop! You are sounding guilty"
We had a long talk last night. I talked, I cried. Does she believe me? I would like to think so, but I know there are doubts, she told me she wants to believe me, but she has to be skeptical. (expletive), why did this have to happen now? Our relationship has been going through such a renewal since I became sober. It has returned to the wonderful times of 20 years ago. We have been so happy . She posted in my journal the other night, she feels like we are newlyweds.
I'm pretty sure we are okay but I am scared. Yesterday I was pissed off about the incident. I was looking to pick a fight with someone. Today I can't see the keyboard through the tears.
Did I do anything wrong yesterday? No. But I was a very bad man for many years. I lied. i cheated. I broke our vows again and again. I all but destroyed our marriage. i destroyed her trust. I pusher her aside for my addiction. I tarnished our love. I was a very bad man worse husband. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I just feel like such a (expletive) this morning. It hurt so much to see her last night struggling to believe me, to trust me. I did this. I lied and lied and lied so now she cant trust me. I was a very bad man and I am truly sorry. I hope for the future but fear the past.
Today is looking (expletive)ed up. Trying to get on new board and having problems. Got a lot of stuff to do. In a bad mood.
I WILL BE SOBER TODAY
JUST FOR TODAY
|
|
|
Post by jonas612 on Dec 20, 2007 10:27:17 GMT -5
BF:
Sounds like you had a rough night.
If there's one thing in the world I've learned over the years, its that no matter what you've done in the past, if you atone for what youve done, you deserve to be happy. Given what sounds like a rough history with your wife, its understandable to feel this way sometimes. I constantly feel like I am not supposed to be happy. I know I dont deserve the life that I have based on the myriad of (expletive) I've done in the past. But I'm constantly reminded that's not true. There are going to be good days and truly crappy days. You've got to live for the good ones.
Hope for the future, dont forget the past, but dont fear it. What's in the past is done, we can never change it, we can just deal with it with what we have learned. Its not easy to do, it probably never will be, but in order to truly get past the issues, you have to look at the past as a life lesson (a bad one, but a lesson), and just that. Theres no need to fear the past, unless you indirectly fear the future. Or rather, to truly not fear the future, you can't fear the past, only learn from what is there and move forward.
You're strong, bf. Your journal reflects that. I suggest that in your down times, take a look at it and see how far you've come.
stay strong bro -ed
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 20, 2007 14:27:21 GMT -5
Edit,
Thanks for the encouragement. I had lunch with mrs bf and we are pretty solid. It's just scary as hell cause I know how (expletive)ing close I was to the edge of the chasm before.
In a much better place now. Don't feel liek smashing anybody's head.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 21, 2007 7:56:53 GMT -5
Friday morn, got a cold, but otherwise feel good. committed to recovery.
Can't decide whete to post so i guess i ll post in both places.
|
|