|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 10, 2007 9:09:28 GMT -5
Just a quick post on a very chilly Mon morn on Desolation Row. Started a thread on new accountabily circle, the weekenders.
thanks unico and mayberry for ideas and support.
Feel good today. Mrs. BF smiling and laughing this morning That alone is precious beyond words. the things I almost lost to P, her great smile, her laughter at my stupid homor,her gentle touch,the shared intimacy, a bond so (expletive)ing strong, not even the ravages of a terrible addiction broke it. oh, btw have I said this morning
(expletive) P
modifed by bf, becasue appatently he doesnt know what day it is
|
|
cammy
Full Member
Posts: 221
|
Post by cammy on Dec 10, 2007 10:33:19 GMT -5
G'day BF. Thanks for the post and invite. I'm almost never here on w/e. I just put the board down. LOL.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 10, 2007 21:43:44 GMT -5
I HATE IT WHEN MY JOURNAL GETS BUMPED TO THE SECOND PAGE!!
Whee, anther good day. I have felt this happy since, (expletive) , I dnt know when. I am almost giddy at times. Sense of humor back from many many years ago. Self confidence way up. dont feel like i have someting hanging over me all the time.
I wonder if I could have done this years ago or I had to get tot this point emotionally, spirtually to make a real recovery. I'm sharper, quicker than I have been for quite a while. Just this huge sense of freedom, of being able to do ANYTHING. wife and i were discussing some non recovery things I need to do and I said if I can make this kind of turnaround with my addiction ANYTHING, any othr problem is nothing, nothing at all.
This is just such an awful condition that starting to get a sense of control over it gives me a feeling of overwhelming power. I know, hubris, hubris,hubris. Don't get to overconfident or I will get a swift kick in the hubris.
Still and all I WILL NOT NEGATE THE FEELINGS OF HAPPINESS BECUASE OF TEH CHANGE IN MY LIFE THAT SOBRIETY IS CREATING. Hell, just one look at my wife, she SMILES, REALLY SMILES AGAIN!!!
Another day sober.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 9:18:12 GMT -5
Blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I talk and post too much?? For someone who grew up horribly introverted and socially inept, I think I sometimes overcompensate.
Have to keep my pride(hubris) in check. I don't always have to prove how smart I am (or think I am).
Hmmm, except here I go running off at the mouth and expounding and expositioning(is that a word?)
Good night last night. Mrs. BF and I discussed how we are both feeling a little scared of how astouningly well are relationship has revitalized. Feel like a young man again, but hopefully more worldwise, experienced and open to learn.
I think I'll take a stroll down Desolation Row to chat with my friend the jealous monkeu. Whoopee!!
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 9:18:41 GMT -5
Blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I talk and post too much?? For someone who grew up horribly introverted and socially inept, I think I sometimes overcompensate. Have to keep my pride(hubris) in check. I don't always have to prove how smart I am (or think I am). Hmmm, except here I go running off at the mouth and expounding and expositioning(is that a word?) Good night last night. Mrs. BF and I discussed how we are both feeling a little scared of how astouningly well are relationship has revitalized. Feel like a young man again, but hopefully more worldwise, experienced and open to learn. I think I'll take a stroll down Desolation Row to chat with my friend the jealous monk. Whoopee!!
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 12:11:20 GMT -5
Hmm....
Not only blah,blah, blah, but on the soapbox I be. Hubris check again. And why am I so (expletive)ing smart about recovery?? Oh, that's right, I have 6 weeks sober after (expletive)ing up and being totally locked in denial for 15 years. Lotta (expletive)ing good the masters degree and clinical counseling hours did. Can you say head up ass?
BAh!!
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Dec 11, 2007 17:07:44 GMT -5
Hubris? How about soberous?
Be well today.
MrOuch
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 12, 2007 9:07:01 GMT -5
Mrs. BF asked for the second time this week. This is a notable decline from 7-8 times a week in the beginning of my recovery. "We had so much, such a great relationship. How could you have been so stupid to throw it away"?
This question used to be asked with an almost feral intensity, a searing anger and an almost overwhelming intensity. It is now asked less often with far less anger, and even sometimes a trace of the gentle smile I had all but forgotten.
My answer, " I was in complete denial about my addiction". Honest, yes. Satisfying to Mrs. BF OR me? No.
Everyone's story is different. We had been together for over ten years when my P use escalated causing a slow, but inexorable detioration in my marriage.
Perfect marriage before that? No, but pretty dam* good. Lots of real intimacy,sharing, fun. A great and spontaneous s** life. Kids doing well, weathered many crisis's through the strength of our commitment to each other and the marriage.
So what went wrong? P***? B.S. , too easy and answer. I had over ten years of recovery from my drug addiction, no slips, no falls, when my P addiction slowly escalated into the stratosphere. There was some kind of a paradigm shift, so slow that it was all but unnoticeable until viewed with some perspective.
Again, the easy answer is denial. But what does that really mean? Did I have denial before and it got worse? Did it slowly creep into my life, destroying my clear thinking? Why did my denial continue to worsen, until it became an absolute? I don't really have any good answers to any of these questions. Every answer that I have raises more questions.
My recovery is much like my counseling techniques, goal oriented, very objective, a cognitive-behavioral approach. My recovery toolbox is very clean and well organized(unllike other parts of my life). I know exactly where all my tools are and have a pretty good handle on when to use them at this stage in my recovery
The scary thing is when Mrs. BF asks, "How can you have been so stupid?", and I answer denial, there is very little in my toolbox to repair THAT problem.
The first three months of my recovery are going pretty smoothly. My relationship with Mrs. BF had taken a 180 turn. What scares the hell out of me is my inability to adequately answer her question. I know recovery is in stages. How do I prevent another paradigm shift, back into denial? How will I know if I am in denial again, if I didn't know it the first time?
The other problem has to do with my recovery itself. The other question Mrs. BF asks is, "what made you change, what made you admit you are an addict and commit to recovery after so many year? Why now, when I had given up hope?" Can't answer that one either. My recovery was not a paradigm shift, it was an epiphany. One early Monday morning about 6 1/2 weeks ago while in the midst of cleaning out old P files I decided to google P support groups and found no-porn. Hours later I found myself reading and crying, crying and reading and I KNEW my head had been up my a** for the last 15 years. I KNEW I am an addict and in denial. I quit and everything began to chang.
Good stuff? Yes, absolutely. Good stuff, good story, but what REALLY happened? Don't know. How do you explain an epiphany, a rebirth? And the larger question, if I find myself falling back into bad behaviors patterns again, how do I create another epiphany? Can I? The fact that I have these questions (as does Mrs BF) scares the hell out of me, because if I don't really understand what happened, how do I know it won't happen again?
Feeling good but confused, and a little scared here on Desolation Row.
Just posted this on the general foru. This has been going round and round in my head. Don't know that anyone can help, but it helps ME to write it down. Maybe, the answer to my question is I NEED to write it down and read it EACH AND EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I CAN do that. Will it work? don't know. Actually feeling very well this morning, just really felt I needed to get this stuff out in the air, make it easier to turn in around and examine it.
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Dec 12, 2007 9:25:33 GMT -5
Friend, I just posted to your thread on the General Discussion board, and then came here and reread. This caught my attention: "How do I prevent another paradigm shift, back into denial? How will I know if I am in denial again, if I didn't know it the first time?"
Might I suggest that now that the addiction has been exposed to the light of day (you know, your wife knows, we know), that you have the tool of external feedback to help you from slipping back into denial? J
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 12, 2007 13:41:25 GMT -5
Hey!! Tribal Elder just popped under my name. Trouble is
I don't feel any smarter
I didn't get a monkey picture with it.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 12, 2007 18:13:31 GMT -5
Late afternoon. Doing quite well. Glad I did the posting this morning. Been kicking that around for awhile trying to formlulate it. I know I need to start developing post 90 day recovery plan and incorporate strategies to deal with denial. Start working on this next week THIS IS A REMINDER I remember reading someone's post or journal about relapse and alcohol was involved. Really have to be aware of that one. rareky have more than two beers unless mrs bf around. But even two beers, no body home computer on = DANGER DANGER Little tired tonight. Notice when im tired easier to be passive not active.
Think I go to work for awhile then relax until mrs bf comes home.
Another day sober.
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Dec 12, 2007 20:59:43 GMT -5
Congratulations, Tribal Elder BreakingFree! I'm sorry I missed the monkeyfication of you... You're doing some good work, as I see it, and I look forward to reading about the strategies you create in response to your questioning of yourself today. Be thou well, and my regards to both you and Peacebewithyou. J
|
|
|
Post by MrOuch on Dec 12, 2007 22:14:53 GMT -5
All hail the mighty TRIBAL ELDER!! What a great mantle of honor you get today. Unfortunately, it doesn't do anything for you. They still won't give you a key to the executive washroom, but you do get a bunch of stars under your name, so congrats all around.
The thing with the wife...that's a funny one to deal with. MrsOuch and I went through a similar thing. I couldn't find adequate words to answer her with. How do you say "I was a complete self-absorbed piece of $%!#?" Instead we just talked through some of this, some of this we talked through with a counselor together and separately. Some of it we just let time work out. I don't get the "How could you" questions anymore. Nor do I get the suspicious glances when I'm on the computer late at night. Hopefully this will happen for you and MrsBF.
Congrats again and be well today.
MrOuch
PS
ditto what Mayberry said
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 13, 2007 8:29:40 GMT -5
Looking forward to mrs bf ccoming home last night, had glass of wine ,cheese and crackers for her. got in fight. Not really fight, more like poking match. Obvious she was irritated with me, rouind and round we went. Spedning too much time on board, not getting stuff done etc. Pointed out board was keystone to my recovery, no differetn than going to two meetings a day, also as i got more recovery days behind me wouldnt be on as long, also I AM getting almost everythng done, in a systematic, prioritized way. Everytime I answered, she came up with somethilng else. Found myself getting frustrated,angry, but held my temper and tried to keep on track. No resolution. She went upstairs take shower I watched tv feeling hurt. When she came she apoligized said she was scared(reoccuring since recovry), afraid to trust me that I would let her down again and would be far worse this time becuase she had given up hope. She was smiling, said I understand her fears. We laughed, cuddled(anything else isn't going in public journal)
Woke up thlis morning, both smiling, happy,. Feel really good about this, I kniw she has a lot of stuff that wil contine to come up becuase of all my years of acting out, but we are doing great job dealing wth this and getting back on track with relaionship. (expletive) ME for taking awaly her lovely smile for some many years. feelling good today.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 13, 2007 16:58:44 GMT -5
Whee, I finally have a face!! Plus a cool new moving logo for the circle which is progressing really well. May find myself posting more in circle less on board, not sure. Only have so much time and mrs bf has me(well actually i put myself) on board timer.
Very nice day today.
|
|