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Post by breakingfree on Dec 2, 2007 20:05:08 GMT -5
Another good day. Had a great night last night. Wife and I watched movies, along with intermittent silly limerick posting, fueled by some alcohol.
God, it felt like the "good old days". So much water under the bridge, some much crap I put her through, but still we can take the relationship we had and not only rebuild, but I truly believe make it better.
Hope is a wonderful thing. The day feels brighter, my mood lighter(oh oh, I'm starting to rhyme again).
I don't think it is useful to keep beating myself up, but how could I have been so blind, so utterly, completely stupid and ignorant?
I am very bright, very well educated, many successful years of sobriety from drug addiction, a practicing recovery "EXPERT" and yet remained in denial for so many years. Pretty damn scary stuff.
Anyway, to quote Bob, "As Lady and I look out tonight from Desolation Row" things are quirky, but pretty darn good.
Another day sober.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 3, 2007 17:50:23 GMT -5
A pretty good day. Aside from letting my OCD go out of control on the limerick thread, I'm feeling in control and happy. At lunch my wife said she was happy (first time she has said that in forever).Moreover, she looked happy. She thanked me for turning things around (like I should be thanked for trying to fix the (expletive) I (expletive)ed up all this years) Still and all her being happy makes me happy. Being honest and trying to make amends is better for my mood than 40mg of Prozac, maybe I can finally dump the meds and be sober, clean, and happy.
Peace be with all of you.
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cammy
Full Member
Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Dec 3, 2007 17:59:40 GMT -5
Hi BF, I read that you have a grad degree in psych. Me too. Straight up - stay on the zac until you have a sense of emotion OK? I'm really glad your wife was happy and I cannot tell you how glad I was to see her post in the limerick thread. Geez the Irish, don't get me on now. Anyway, the psych 101manual on counselling says: take care of self. So, be good to see you do that. Oh and hey, you know how to rhyme. Well, kind of. LOL
Cammy.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 3, 2007 21:50:31 GMT -5
Cammy, Accidently went cold turkey off Prozac several weeks ago(ran out and got lazy refilling). BAD IDEA. I know that you need to slowly tritrate dose . REALLY BAD IDEA in the first month of recovery
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 3, 2007 21:52:55 GMT -5
NO MORE RHYMING!! NO MORE LIMERICKS. MY HEAD HURTS!!
Good night from Desolation Row.
ANOTHER DAY SOBER
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 4, 2007 3:18:57 GMT -5
What an awesome post!! Congrats on the comment from your wife. Don't mean to rain on your parade, but now is the time to be extra vigilant. It always seems that when things are going great, we forget to do the simple things that have kept us clean for so long.
Be well today. Stay clean.
MrOuch
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 4, 2007 8:50:28 GMT -5
A cold winter morning as I gaze out over Desolation Row. Thanks to Mr Ouch for the positive feedback! Re Don't I know that all too well. I say this as a person who used to reward himself for staying clean with a P*** binge. What kind of (expletive)ed up (expletive) is going on there? I have committed to doing the on line equivalent of 90 meetings in 90 days. I come here every day for a minimum of one hour to read, post and journal. Today is my 59th day.(please hold on any early congrats. I still have one more day for 60 days, one day at a time). MY WIFE USED TO SMILE ALL THE TIME UNTIL MY ADDICTION STOLE HER SMILE AND HAPPINESS.
SHE IS BEGINNING TO SMILE A LOT ONCE MORE. HER SMILE AND GENTLE TOUCH(WHICH I DON'T YET FEEL I DESERVE) MAKE EACH DAY A LITTLE BRIGHTER AND HELP ME TO CREATE SOME SENSE OF DISTANCE FROM THIS (expletive)ING ADDICTION
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cammy
Full Member
Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Dec 4, 2007 10:34:32 GMT -5
BF, Back saying hi. Thanks for the post in my journal. Helped. Cammy
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 4, 2007 18:21:53 GMT -5
Pretty good day today. Good mood all day. Made SIGNIFICANT inroads into my to-do list, especially one that I have been putting off forever.
Have been asked to serve as a moderator on another new no P board and have accepted. Thought about it for a day or so, didn't want to do my usual of taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed but I think this will be okay. It is very important for me at this time to ACTIVE in my recovery. Maybe later my plate will start to fill up, but I also know I am not going to keep posting at the rate I am now. I think the whole limerick thing yesterday was a learning lesson. I can still and will go overboard but the saving graces are: it is healthy stuff and I can rein it in and get back on track.
looking out tonight on, Desolation Row
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 5, 2007 9:02:43 GMT -5
6o days clean and sober today. A very big deal and a not so big deal. My wife helped keep my perspective intact when I made the comment to her last night that tomorrow will be day 60 for me(trust me she KNOWS exactly how many days).And to be honest, yes I was fishing for a compliment, a reward, an attaboy. I got what I deserved," I'll be really happy when you have 15 years(the number of years of my out of control addiction).
Okay, once again she kicked me right in the hubris, where I needed it. She went on to say she really is very happy with my recovery and the way are relationship has turned around, but feels she has every right to still feel injured and suspicious.
60 DAYS DOES NOT ERASE 15 YEARS OF CRAP
But it is a start. 60 becomes 61 and then 61 and then someday a year. But it is still one day at time
hubris, been thinking about that A LOT. Hubris and denial, brothers in arms.
Hubris def-excessive pride or self-confidence; arrogance Denial def-an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable.
From hubris comes denial. Denial seeks and welcomes hubris with open arms.
Gotta go and get some things done.
Looking out over Desolation Row with my new 60 day glasses, I'm trying to figure out if it looks different. I still see Einstein dressed as Robin Hood with his memories in a trunk-perhaps just a little bit more clearly.
Peace
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 5, 2007 14:04:32 GMT -5
Hmmm, I seem to have gone a little postal this am. Not sure why. Followed some of those (expletive)ed up threads that I don't usually follow once it is obvious that they serve no purpuse I will get me pissed off if I read them.
Went to the gym, slammed the iron around and feel better. Thought about deleting my post, but after rereading it I realized I did mean pretty much everything I said BUT I should have calmed down before I posted it which would have meant I would have framed it better.
Off to lunch.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 5, 2007 21:28:28 GMT -5
All in all, a pretty good day. A little cranky this morning, but I got over and around it. Feel really good tonight.
I have real hope for the future. I can see for miles and miles and miles.
Another day sober
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 5, 2007 21:44:53 GMT -5
I just wanted to wish you and Mrs. BF (peacebewithyou) the joy of 60 days sober. May your house be filled with Light and love. J
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 6, 2007 8:54:42 GMT -5
Allrighty,
A new day, new commitments.
Today, just for today, I will remain clean and sober.
I will limit my board participation to two hours maximum in order to fulfill my other obligations ( I have my timer running)
I resolve to do at least one good thing today for someone else.
I resolve to keep my anger in check.
I resolve to just a little better today than yesterday.
I resolve to treat my wife with honor and respect.
adieu
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 6, 2007 21:31:10 GMT -5
LOL. Thanks for the laugh Glad to see all is well with you. Keep on rolling!! MrOuch
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