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Post by breakingfree on Nov 12, 2007 8:47:16 GMT -5
I don't usually start posting this early. But I feel off this morning. Tired, letharigic,a little depressed. I recognize these is a dangerous state for me. This is my, " what difference does it make mood".
I will be out of this and off to work shortly. The best thing for me, activity, interaction with other people, off the computer.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 12, 2007 8:48:11 GMT -5
I just realized thlis is my 5th week of sobriety. I should be encouraged not depressed.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 12, 2007 22:18:32 GMT -5
Don't know why this day seemed more difficult, other than I didn't feel well most of the day. No real danger of lapse, but a reminder to be ever vigilant.
One more sober day and bright promise for tomorrow,
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 13, 2007 17:55:01 GMT -5
Just realized I didn't journal yesterday. Screwed up my committment to journal every day.
Interesting, because yesterday and today, not feeling well. Seemed easier to respond to other's issue, rather than journal mine. But, I tlhink not feeling well is just a bad excuse. Wife made comment at lunch today that sometimes when I'm not feeling well it is the mental effecting the physical. Hard to tell sometimes-maybe I just need to get on with it.
One more sober day today.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 14, 2007 10:37:07 GMT -5
Hah! Chalk off one more day free!!
Turns out I am sick(some cold bug thing). Not sure what this has to do with anything, other than I think it makes me more likely to kick back and not do anything AND that is dangerous behavior.
Going to finish journaling, take a shower, leave and get some work done.
Another good talk with wife yesterday.
I do see hope for a renewal, a rekindling, in our relatioship..
Just have to remember to smack the "I want it now" addictive impulse in me. Baby steps.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 14, 2007 19:44:09 GMT -5
A good day today, despite not feeling well. Hitting the trigger to see what was under it, scared the sh** out of me. For the first time what was hiding there really had potential for being a trigger.
Real leaning lesson. DONT F*****G TEST. Like I don't know this. How f***** stupid on my part. Just because I didn't find any personal triggers under all the other trigger guards, didn't mean I wouldn't eventually. Always have to push the envelope, test the limits. BS!@! Bad Behavior. Just keep working the program.Dont get too f*****g smart and cocky.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 15, 2007 18:26:08 GMT -5
Another pretty darn good day today. Feel very positive about renewal in my marriage. This also is one day at a time. But each day seems to be getting better.
Interesting I posted a prayer that my wife had sent about faith and got a couple of replies about faith and God. I'm not going to respond in my own thread- had no intention of starting a religious argument or even discussion, nor do I want to create any feedback to continue one.
Faith is about God, yes, but it more importantly about hope. Take God out of the equation if you must, we still have the notion of hope. Without hope (however you want to wrap it up, objectify it, or define it) there is no future-we are doomed to keep repeating the past.
My faith(hope) sustains me and has helped sustain my wife through dark hours, stormy nights, frightful wanderings in the desert.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 16, 2007 17:56:27 GMT -5
Today is day 41 clean and sober; and wasn't it just an interesting day!!
Before 8 am I open a post from what I think is a new struggling PA and find a nu** photo.
I have to admit it freaked me out. I couldn't close the fricking window fast enough.
Felt very good that I had no temp to go back and take a peek. It surprised me and then pissed me off but no temptation to see what else I could see.
Felt good to tell my wife about what happened and to state with a clear conscious, "no I didn't peek and didn't want to".
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 18, 2007 20:48:14 GMT -5
Just a quick post today. I missed posting in my journal yesterday. My wife and I get in a HUGE fight about me spending more time on the board than with her. Everything fine now. Need to talk about this in detail but I have been one for an hour already and need to spend some time together my her.
Still sober. bf
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 19, 2007 22:01:50 GMT -5
Just a quick note-want to make sure I at least make entry into my journal everyday. My wife is looking over my shoulder as I enter. Kinda strange.
All in all a good day. Recovery feels solid= no great urges, temptations.
Feel that every day my relationship with my w continues to be renewed and restored,
Just read an interesting thread about hope. Without hope what do we have. You can't base your recovery ONLY on hope, but without some glimmer of hope why make the effort?
I have hope that I can continue to successfully fight this addiction. I have hope that my marriage can be restored. I have hope for a better, brighter future. The fact that I am doing this now, gives me hope. I could dispair that it has taken me these many years to come to this point, but why focus on it? Focus onthe fact that it HAS happened and change IS possible.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 20, 2007 20:21:43 GMT -5
Hmmm,
Nother intersting day. I HAVE to start my journal first and post to forums, second. Otherwise, I am on here too long and don't take enough time to post.
Still feeling crappy, but emotionally better. Good talk with w again. Need to get things out, work on them a little at a time.
Need to sit on my urge to expect things to better immediatly( I want it and I want it now,said the addict)
Couldn't get on the board all day until now. Friggin logon wasn't working on this PC. Still don't know what the prob was but at least working again and I could do "my meeting"
Another day sober, by the Grace of my Lord, and the willpower of a man,
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 21, 2007 22:37:51 GMT -5
So wonderful to hear my wife say, " I want to forgive you"
There is hope, yes there is.
My wife's first post on the board today(under my screen name).Don't want to push her. If she wants to join, she will. She does read every day.
Weird a** day on the board. Hopefully, most of the tension and arguments are gone. Tired of reading dumb a** responses, by some jacka** with some fu**** up agenda.
One more day sober,by the grace and glory of the Lord.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 22, 2007 20:07:48 GMT -5
Hey its Thanksgiving and I truly am thankful. Had most of my family here. Nice day, relaxing, comfortable.
Relationship with w continues to go well. Feel a little bit of renewal of old intimacy each day. Great incentive for maintaining clean and sober behavior.
How could I have forgotten, dismissed how great our relationship used to be-intimate, close,warm,fulfilling?
I set up w on board today. No pressure for her to contribute but account is ready if she want to use it.
By the Grace and Glory of God, another day sober.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 23, 2007 17:54:57 GMT -5
A good day. Sober, no urges.
My wife asked me why my journal notes are so short. Not sure really. I say what I have to say and no more. I KNOW I have the tendency to show off how smart I think I am. I could easily go on and on about recovery and addiction, etc, etc. I feel I do express quite a bit in my other posts and replies.
Also, recovery is going quite well. Not struggling with a lot of issues and behaviors right now. I'm not saying it's easy,but on the other hand it is IS going well and I don't want to go looking for problems.
Biggest struggle I still have is staring inappropriately at women in public and I AM actively working on this. It pisses me off that I do have to work on this. Should be easier, but at least I am cognizant of my behavior and have steps to correct it.
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 24, 2007 18:36:39 GMT -5
It's cold, rainy Saturday night looking out over Desolation Row. W is at work and I'm here sitting at the computer. Really cool thing is don't feel usual temptations to "just take a peek". I am just fine logging into board, posting and shutting everything off.
Feel a lot less crazed, driven, compulsive when I am at home by myself. I am not foolish enough to believe everything in now fine, but it does feel better. Don't have those feelings of guilt and anxiety hanging over me every moment.
This addiction is just so f****d up. Having just a few months perspective, it's hard to believe how much I was in denial. Denial is just a quasi psychobabble way of saying my head was totally up my a**.
Been thinking a lot about denial lately. Want to start a thread on denial. I know all the psych theories regarding the mechanisms of denial, but actually living in it for so many years gives me an entirely different perspective.
I really believe that identifying and confronting denial form the cornerstone of recovery. Denial has so many grades, shades, levels,twists and turns. It is like the myth of the Hydra, cut off one head and another grows back. Denial is slippery-just when you think you have it in your grasp it slips out, escapes and will come back when you least expect it and bite you in the a**.
Denial is intellectual, emotional, behavioral, active, passive, conscious, unconscious,subconscious,verbal,non verbal- it permeates every part of the psyche.
Asking how to confront denial is like asking what is the sound of one hand clapping? If you are IN denial, how can you possible know it? The distorted mind turns in open itself and sees what? Distortion?
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