|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 1, 2007 9:44:01 GMT -5
I have been procrastinating about starting this journal-waiting for who knows what.
Time to get started.
I feel good today. This is my 24th day of sobriety(not a huge record for me) but it is also my 24th day of admitting for the first time in over 20 years that I am a porn addict. No BS, no excuses, no intellectual rationalizations.
My porn addiction is just as much an addiction as my drug addiction was(and is). My p addiction, however, has been much more devastating on my life and my relationship with my wife, than my drug addiction ever was.
It is a stupid addiction. Drug addiction at least seemed to make some kind of sense-at least there was some social context to it. P addiction is ALWAYS lonely and sad. Porn addicts don't go to bars or parties and share their addiction. It is a lonely, solitary addiction in a dark room, illuminated only by the flickering light of the CRT.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 2, 2007 13:26:46 GMT -5
Feel good today. Was a little down yesterday PM. Had another good talk with wife last night. Trying to be completely honest. Interesting I said trying, I AM being completely honest. Screw the passive voice.
Think I was down a little because yesterday was first day I emerged from my shell and started posting(and journaling). Not sure why this would flatten my mood-maybe I was expecting some Epiphany to occur when I started posting.
Trying to keep myself busy and off the computer unless I am on the forum or posting.
|
|
|
Post by eljefemaz on Nov 2, 2007 15:47:25 GMT -5
Good job on the posting, talking to your wife and maintaining your sobriety. I found myself down a bit yesterday when I looked back on my progress since I began recovery nearly a year and a half ago.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 4, 2007 22:43:47 GMT -5
I missed posting on my journal yesterday. Had ups and downs, mood wise. Seems to be bright in the AM, and depressed in PM.
Another very good talk with wife last night-painful but healing. I'm still afraid that what we had that was so good will never come back but thats a fear I will have to deal with day by day.
Very intimate time with my wife this morning. Gave me real hope for future. I love her with all my heart and I am so sorry for all the pain I have inflicted on her.
God this is an awful addiction. I thought I was so f*****g smart and had all the answers-always had just the right comeback when she told me I had a problem, I was an addict. God, I was so full of s***. How could I have been so totally clueless, year after year? Slowly destroying a once beautiful relationship.
Ups and downs today-but mostly positive. At least once a day we are really communicating.
Tomorrow (actually 3 hours from now) I will have my first month p*** free, but more importantly my first month porn free since I have admitted my addiction.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 5, 2007 9:09:23 GMT -5
One month p*** free today, one day at a time. Bf
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 6, 2007 8:41:27 GMT -5
A little down this AM-not sure why. I think some of the initial high of admitting I have a problem and resolving to quit has worn off.
I'm not less committed, but after celebrating one month pf yesterday, realization hit that this is a longggggggg road. One month is great but putting it into perspective, it is but a brief moment in 20 years plus of addiction.
I am also realizing(with a lot of feedback from my wife) that there a lot of other issues that I have neglected, ignored, etc,, that I need to start addressing. A little scary. If I was so blind about my addiction, what other things have I hidden in the dark?
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 6, 2007 15:09:27 GMT -5
Same day, different sh**. Don't feel real smart today. Think I will stick to my journal-don't feel I have anything worthwhile to contribute to anyone else.
Had lunch with w-expecting some quality time together. Got the conversation we didn't have last night. I know we need to do this everyday-all the hurt I have inflicted on her. I would rather have her totally pissed off at me, instead of shut down.
Maybe a little closure(today). I realized that it is easier for her to bring up other things that are bothering her, rather than all the anger, hurt and pain I have caused.
She also told me I give her "that look" too. I am expecting a conversation about my addiction and expecting her to be upset(what else).I guess I want to have it and get it over with.
Don't know why I spell check this. Force of habit I guess.
Depressed mood didn't last as long today. Feel better after lunch even though it was painful.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 6, 2007 16:07:24 GMT -5
Okay, so I am going to post today. Always feel better when I say something. Feel more active in my recovery.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 7, 2007 15:42:23 GMT -5
Feel good today. Great talk with w last night.
She thought about our conversation at lunch and came up with three things that she felt made me a good man, husband and father.
Felt better because she had taken the time to think about it, brought it up again and because it gives me hope that we have a future.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 8, 2007 12:29:53 GMT -5
Interesting day today. Feeling good, feeling positive and hopeful Followed a thread yesterday about interrupts and I remembered how dangerous feeling good is for me sometimes.
When things were going really well,I would "reward" myself by using p***. Some strange s*** going on there. Was my reward just an unsciosu need to screw things up again becuase I don'tfeel I deserve to be happy. Or maybe I feeel it is all going to come crashing down anyway, so I start the process.
Anyway, feel good today. Sober and strong in my recovery.
No P***, no bad thoughts, no sneaky looks for me today!!
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 8, 2007 22:39:02 GMT -5
All in all, a pretty good day. Feel better about myself today. See hope for the future. Dylan said it, "he not busy being born is busy dying". Need to be born again each day.
God bless
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 9, 2007 17:32:24 GMT -5
Hmmm,
interesting day. Debated about posting my rant as a thread or in my journal. Not sure if it served any useful purpose. I know I got angry again when I wrote it. I do feel passionately about the subject but I am not sure, especially in this early stage of my recovery, if it serves any useful purpose.
Better to put the anger aside and focus on the good stuff-maybe.
Relationship with my wife feels so much better. Can't believe I have been so stupid, have forgotton, and driven away so much(all?) of our intimacy.
I pray that day by day we can together experience a renewal, of faith, of love, of passion, of trust.
Glory to my Father. You have removed the blinders from my eyes that I may see.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 9, 2007 20:34:33 GMT -5
I think I will sign off for today. All in all a good day.
I'm home alone and don't need to be on the computer.
One more day sober and free
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 10, 2007 15:59:14 GMT -5
NO PORN FOR ME THIS SATURDAY. Just got home from work, but feel good. No problem being by myself last night, watched programs on discovery-no real urges to view p. Did take the precaution of turning off computer after I logged off of board.
Feeling better about myself-little by little, day by day.
God grant me the power to stay clean, to stay free.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Nov 11, 2007 19:55:20 GMT -5
A pretty good day. No major urges. Doing much better about not staring at women. Still have to tell myself to stop, look down, look away, whatever-but don't feel quite as crazed as I did.
Didn't realize what a HUGE problem I had with staring(or quick furtive glances) until I began recovery. Make me feel like some kind of perv, having to force myself not to stare(lustfully) at attractive women.
Ups and downs with wife. But each day feels a little better than the day before.
Here's to a bright, clean and sober day tomorrow.
|
|