cammy's journal

[cammy]

I have spent time reading posts and threads - kind of as a way to learn more about myself, however dysfunctionally, through my problem. Today I am trying to decide if I will call a counsellor. I think I will however I am uncertain of what, if anything should be divulged.

"Hi, I need to see a counsellor"
"Why?"
"Are you the counsellor?"
"No, I'm the administrator."
"Ah, I want to see a counsellor because I can't stand my own ebullence."

Perhaps disclosure is a place to start. It seems that a certain reticence to be open exists here and I find that much like myself. So to begin:

I am disgusted by me. On Thursday it was because I was looking at P on the net and did not stop for hours. Even though my wife asked me to stop. Even though I had done it the day before and the day before that and have been for two to three years.

No excuses though. Not like this is a recent deal. Fair examination demands me to admit that have had a fascination/attraction/overly indulged hobby/compulsion/addiction (?) for a long time. When was the tipping point? Maybe that will matter later.

I know this: I use for stress relief. I use for fantasy. I use to avoid. I use to seek a certain happiness or temporary joy. I do not want to use anymore.

I'm not without tools. I quit smoking. I know triggers, even the surprise that comes from unintentionally discovering a new one. I have a wife (not the first) who is better than I deserve (that would be a first). She went from justifiably outraged to concerned in one conversation and told me she loved me and wasn't going anywhere. I have an occupation that is so good I can't call it a job. I'm free to get all the help I need. Except of course, I have to tell somebody something I truly am ashamed of. Worse, I may have to face learning things about me that will disgust me more. So what?

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I'll begin here.

[cammy]

Day 2

I came for a short time. Yesterday I arranged an appointment to see a counsellor. The admin person wanted to know my reason for using the service. Told her I had a mood and complusion thing. She was nice, didn't push. The cost is killer! $185/hr. Still, it's a write off as "consulting fees" so it's before tax cost. That, and this person can help me with a plan.

Going to read some posts. Cya soon.

[cammy]

Today is one week. I posted elsewhere on this site. Got a reply of encouragement which was great. SO is agreeing to my suggestion of a keylogger or something. She also expects to attend counselling with me. Both are awesome offers of help. Even though I tellher it's not her fault I do not think she fully buys that. I've never known her to enable me in this so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I know I feel guilt for making her think something is wrong with her. I'll keep faith. It will show itself.

[cammy]

Today is proving interesting. It's a Friday and usually I work from home. My SO was interested in seeing me work at the office. Not a surprise. No question she insisted out of concern for me. Also feel pretty sure she insisted out of concern for her. As in not wanting to worry all day about what I was doing. Emotionally, I feel like a thief because I stole her sense of comfort. But to a degree this is self-pity and unhealthy. I also worry she has a recovery to go through and it's just starting too. I'd rather it not be rough. So here I am at the office typing this note. Day 8.

[cammy]

The weekend went well. Repohrase: the weekend was hard BUT better than expected. I had no urge and my wife was a little more level emotionally. Still, small confessions by her about being hurt had me completely broken up for awhile. I think that will never go away. My hope is her hurt does. On friday pm SO chose her preferred keylogger and we put in on the lappie. We both agree, for different reasons, it needs to com off eventually but we have no timeframe. That`s OK as I don`t fully expect to project manage this issue. LOL It can come off when it`s ready to, if ever.

The counsellor called to cancel todays appointment. Family thing. It was to be my first. Was hoping today would be about that but no. That`ll be tomorrow. Here`s hoping insight waiting for me there.

[cammy]

I saw a counsellor this morning. Brought up the problem right away. He asked the following:

Do you pay for it?
Has this gone on a long time?

He then continued with his initial ax questioning. He seemed to conclude that emotional repression due to my mother's death is thereal thing to work on here. I'm paraphrasing so inaccuracy is a problem. Nonetheless,it was cler that the p addiction was not his primary concern. I believe he sees this as a behavioural manifestation (ie coping strategy) for deeper anxiety, guilt, fear and anger. This is his target for therapy. Fine by me IF it solves this addiction issue! Otherwise he's messing in crap that I don't have time for now.

My wife agrees with the conclusions reached. So I'll go back and try.

No p today.

[cammy]

Triggers
It's like quitting smoking only not. To say the least..... I cannot believe the mall is a trigger! I don't like shopping but its gotta get done sometimes. We will browse through the mall, just looking at stuff (I have a tolerance point and sometimes bail and sit down somewhere). Sowhat do I do? People watch. Hi trigger.

I hope this will change. It does with smoking - after not smoking to a trigger or craving the trigger loses it's potency. Maybe this is a good question for the group.

[cammy]

Today I posted on the board. Thoughts related to the dynamic of personal insight. Oddly, I don't want anymore of it right now even though I know I need it. I see all these people with PA, struggling for years and I don't want to be that. I want to be free of it, desperately. I don't want the insight these people have! I don't want to have to have that level of insight! I want to be oblivious and happy F***K!

Two weeks today. I feel worse, not better. I hope that's a good thing.

[LookingUp]

cammy said:

I want to be oblivious and happy F***K!

Wouldn't that be utopia. Unfortunately, obliviousness got you into your addiction - so it won't get you out!

Two weeks today. I feel worse, not better. I hope that's a good thing.

Congratulations on the two weeks. I've often read that about 2 weeks is when you start withdrawal from the brain chemicals - some men have physical and/or emotional problems. Just hang tight and they say it gets better in a few weeks. Detox sucks - no matter what the addiction.

Does Mrs. Cammy have a support group that will let her vent and help her heal? If not, you might suggest here, CoSA or S-Anon for her. I found counseling very helpful in my healing process from my husband's addictions.

Has your counselor ever dealt with SA/PA before? What was his success rate? What does he consider successful overcoming this addiction?

it was cler that the p addiction was not his primary concern.

If this counselor doesn't agree with your priorities of getting free of porn - then maybe you'll need to do more searching. It's not uncommon to try several before you find a good fit. Here's a thread (one you already posted in) but had more replies after your post on finding counselors trained to work with PA/SA: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1192113368

After all, if you went to your doctor with an ache in your calf, you wouldn't expect him to recommend removing your tonsils and make that his priority. You may have to be assertive to get him to work on what YOU want to work on - getting free of porn. After all, that's why you're giving him $185 an hour!

I was impressed that you went to the office so your wife would have emotional comfort. I'm sure that meant a lot to her.

LookingUp

[cammy]

I came in today to write about what think will be a difficult day because I am working from home. I will not look at P. Pretty sure my wife has some concerns but she went to work w/o asking me to go in as well. Good for her! I think it helps that I have CE installed. It's mechanical and a blunt tool for control but that is OK because I cannot say I do not need it. I used the patch to quit smoking. To me this is the same thing in this instance.

In my journal is a comment above. I found that elicited some reactions I wasn't anticipating. The first knee jerk rxn was to find the writer rather presumptive to comment here. Read seems fine to me. In fact, it's complimentary to know someone wants to see what I think. I guess my hang up is that when I want advice I'll ask, this seems not the forum. How silly. New rule: all comments are welcome and I will remain clear in my honesty to myself here. To answer questions:

Mrs. Cammy (that b funny) visits this board. Like me she finds that some SOs areinvested in their anger and is occassionally concerned about the degree of hopelessness this inspires. Empathy for them, it is very sad to read but unfortunately, it does not help with my recovery and she tells me it does not help with hers. We agree therefore to be primarily concerned about our goal of freedom from PA. For her this means developing trust in me, as a start. For me this means establishing trust first. That only happens when I make every effort to defeat/manage this addiction whatever means are required. I have promised to do whatever is necessary and will do whatever she needs. She has not made the same promise but does not need to. If she asks for help in any regard she can have it, do as she wishes. I love my wife and to me thismeans her happiness is paramount. Period.

This does not mean SO comments are unhelpful. They are mostly. Some are not but I recognise them when they come. When I see an SO in recovery I read very closely what is said.

I have struggled with the idea of this counsellor. He is correct in his assessment that my PA is rooted in an anxiety reaction. I do not know if he has a success rate. I do not know if he has ever had a patient with PA although I think it likely. Epidemiology make it nearly impossible for a mature counsellor NOT to have dealt with this before. I ask a broader question: how much does that really matter? if this guy is no good I have the right to leave. If my PA improves and he is not responsible, who cares? Recovery is the goal here. I do not buy the simile above. When one gets cancer, one gets chemo. It goes everywhere as a treatment for a specific tumour. In short it is the effort that counts. If I'm wrong, I'll live with the consequence of my choice, which as stated above, has only a limited downside. My wife wants to go. To a degree this is out of curiosity as counselling has been something others do. I'm fine with her coming.

We discussed how the mall proved to be a trigger for me. This bothered her and I could not explain why it was a trigger. She was worried that I objectify every woman I see. Not true but I do objectify some. Specifically those who appear to send a message that they are trying to displaying their sexuality. Problem. This happens in concert with anxiety reactions - those can happen in large groups of people. My tool against this is to use the pronoun her or she in my thoughts. I have not as yet examined how I think in these situations but will pay close attention. If I ever use the term "that" in reference to a female I will have to reframe. Mother in law excepted because my motivation is different (joke). My wife wanted to know if I viewed her similarly. I have trememdous lustful feelings for my wife but have never thought of her as an object or thing.

Wow long post. time to get to work.

[cammy]

Noon. working at home today. In for a visit. I don't want to surf P but I'm anxious. Work stuff mostly. This be not gud. Changed my work location (thought I might get a Pavlov thing). I'm OK really just, damn, I don't know what.

Emotions know nothing of logic.

Calling counsellor after lunch. I can spend X - what can he offer?

[cammy]

Appointment made. Monday

[cammy]

What a roller coaster. Or maybe just lots I could say. First, the weekend was great. JUst a low to no anxiety w/e, got stuff done, spent time with my wife. Today saw the counsellor for the second time. Basically I got my plan. C reflected that I harbour anger and that this has developed in me a series of reactions to different "buttons". Trying really hard not to slip into CBT language here.

Effectively, I have to examine the buttons and re-wire them through an examination of how I'm thinking when the button gets pushed. Over time, I am told, this will end in a re-engineering of the thought, and therefore, emotional sequence. C suggested I start a journal, so I will.

P wise, I haven't had an urge for two weeks now. Don't get me wrong! I get anxious (Friday was off the charts) and yeah, I get this welling of anger too. But I don't want P. I don't want medicine. I want to face my demon. This demon - maybe I don't like personalising it - wants me angry or anxious. But then I get the tools tyo deal with that as well. So I'm optimistic today.

It is good.

[cammy]

OK - this isn't real - just a little emotional venting. Today a dude confessed to some pretty serious stuff. Multiple extra maritals, multiple multiples, homosexual, heterosexual, I mean even a jaded SA/SO (like seen both sides now) person thought it was outta Hustler. It is just waaaaay outside my realm of comprehension. I'm thinking pearly gates and final confession (sooo catholic) - well Saint Peter I was addicted to p images on the internet. And from somewhere in the throng - "I F***** every living thing but a salamander!" I mean holy apple freakin pie. I know this is bad, I know I should not differentiate, I know I am no better. Still, I am not that, have never, and will never be that.

He doesn't want to tell his wife. But oddly, he feels a certain ummm insousciance with his love life. A slight tepidness with the little missus. Could be because his pekker's been so many places he could develop freakin film off it.

God keep me from that. What's buddy gonna do? An accountability circle? If it's true - and I have my doubts - I advocate divorce and live in another country. Maybe chemical circumcision. My greater fear is this dude cannot escalate and still stay legal. I want him to get help - just not by me.

[JohnG]

Cammy,

I just saw your question in the thread titled "Do I HAVE to find out why I became addicted?"

cammy said:

You suggest one can recover without knowing the nexus of the addiction. Do you believe searching for this knowledge a diversion from recovery, an inhibitor to it or is this a case by case situation in your experience?

I thought I would reply here since you are more likely to see my response in your journal.

I believe that searching for root causes in the form of early formative experiences, genetic predispositions, or any other "nexus" that we are powerless to change is generally not helpful and can easily become a distraction to more important and productive recovery work.

I do, however, believe in finding the root causes that we can control. Though it seems likely that my early sexual experiences had a huge impact on me and are common to many addicts, I cannot say they are a root cause. Many people (the majority in fact) who have had similar experiences do not develop addictive personalities. So those experiences alone do not explain my problem. And even if they did, that knowledge would not have much impact on my propensity to act out. If one thing has been proven in the treatment of addictions, it is that self-knowledge alone has never relieved anyone of their symptoms.

Root causes that I can change are the mechanisms that I can clearly identify that currently play into my addiction. It is clear from my own experience and that of many other addicts both on and off of this board that we lack many basic life skills. Why that is so does not interest me as much as how to correct it. It has been my experience that when I try to refrain from any addictive behaviour I am prone to failure if I am not simultaneously working on replacing the behaviour with skills that will allow me to exist in the real world with relative ease.

When I was acting out I forgot about having to pay certain bills or drop off a package at the post office or that my relationship needed work or that I was not fulfilling my potential as a human being. When I was not acting out I felt extreme fear and anxiety associated with many aspects of my life that were out of control. If I do not find a way to deal with these things - if I do not find a way to behave responsibly and without fear - I am doomed to failure because sooner or later I will return to the only coping strategy that I know - immersion in the addiction. So I must not merely stop avoiding reality, I must also learn to live within it in a way that does not perpetuate the stresses that push me inexorably toward that avoidance. And I must also learn to live with those stresses that are beyond my control to change and attempt to change only the way that I react to them. In short, I must grow up.

I have my own approach to achieving this goal, but I believe that all of the successful approaches must necessarily include this internal change in the way we relate to the world and ourselves. Aristotle said that we acquire virtues by practicing the conduct that characterizes them. In other words, the mind-state follows the conduct and not the other way around. I believe this to be true. It is first necessary to know what behaviour characterizes the person I want to be. Then I must practice that behaviour and refrain from the one it is replacing. I must do this with the guidance and support of others. And I must be honest with myself and others because all guidance and efforts are meaningless if they are based on fictions and not truth.

I hope this is not all terribly vague. What I am trying to say is that I believe that delving into one's past to find the answers to today's problems is of highly dubious utility. Knowing that I use avoidance strategies is infinitely more important than knowing that I developed them in response to some childhood trauma - if such knowledge were even attainable, something of which I am not convinced. The answer to today's problems (I believe) will be found in identifying and modifying my conduct in the present.

A friend,

JohnG