cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 26, 2007 11:51:15 GMT -5
I note most of my postings today to be angry ones. In some wayst this is because angry here is safe. But I do not like the tendency. I get drawn into stuff, want to be there. Not good. Discouyraging in fact because how much anger do you tolerate b4 you medicate? What is going on? Gotta think on this for sure. Will not post in forums for a time.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 26, 2007 11:52:08 GMT -5
BTW, Thanks Rockwell.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 28, 2007 11:57:09 GMT -5
There may be lots of stuff to write today. 1) I could not keep my promise to stay off the board for awhile. That may be good b/c I get really engaged. It masy be that I rflect my feelings here more than I allow my feelings to be influenced. So when I get attracted to the angries, or heavily repulsed by them, this reflects my feelings. Anyway, in effort to help, I contacted an angry ape who gave me some good advice. These things I will put into practice.
Irrationality makes me angry. Oh hell, most things make me angry or perturbed. TODAY it is irrationality. An SO posted about lies. I guess SO read a counter that did not jive with timeframe SO thought should be the case. Therefore PA looked at P, was honest with himself, and did not tell SO. Level of SO anger seemed high but hard toi judge because it's safe to be that angry here. OK, I have questions: Is the SO outcry of dishonesty really about dishonesty? It seemed that the PA made efforts to internal integrity and accountability. It is also often said that PA must want to change themself. I see that here in PA behaviour. It is also often said that SO cannot chnage PA behaviour or control it so SO sould make efforts to barrier to it. Boundary.
In this case, I see an SO who hates lies. I get that for sure. Nowhere however do we know what constitutes a lie or who gets to call it a lie. It seems a unilateral designation in this case. Not saying SO is wrong to ascribe as such. I am thinking that SO may not have the right to determine how PA recovers. If SO uncomfortable with that then that be an SO issue isn't it? What I do see is that both PA & SO must come to agreement on how recovery takes place, what constitutes a lie etc. Then you have an accountability framework AND a support framework.
Deep thoughts from Cammy. LOL
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 28, 2007 13:29:42 GMT -5
But not too deep. Here is what I see as irrational. Unilteral detrmination of what constitutes recovery/lie/progress in a PA&SO partnership. The Al-anon model suggests that the SO will control or abet/enable the addictive behaviour. Or may do so. Things like unilterally deciding what is a lie or what is porogress seems an example. Of course, uniulaterally deciding to look at P is also just as destructive and doubles as the nexus of the issue.
All this is mute unless practiced and that is the rub. I gotta do it.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 28, 2007 22:34:47 GMT -5
I don't worry about what the others say is the right way to go. i decide for me then...Practice. Practice. Practice. Then when it's game time, we can perform. Be well.
MrOuch
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Post by breakingfree on Nov 28, 2007 23:33:29 GMT -5
Cammy,
I see we have been similar thoughts about reading and posting in main forums. As you can see, my determination and resolve to not post lasted even less than yours (mine was about 15 minutes).
A lot of stuff on the forums has been pi**ing me off. I come here to help stay sober and to offer of myself whatever I can to give comfort and assist other, not to get sucked into threads where people are constantly baiting one another and lashing out. Give me a f***** break! This is about recovery, redemption, hope and healing. If you want to fight, take it someplace else because reading it puts me in a bad place.
I mean we have people posting here that I really don't believe are PA's, recovering or not. Narcissistic, personality disorder types, yes. PA's, I don't think so.
Anyway, always glad to hear what you have to say.
Stay the course.
bf
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 29, 2007 9:29:10 GMT -5
Ah BF I note your verbal nature. Be you bud. I think we can spend too much time analysing our personality in an effort to fix what is wrong to the extent that what is not wrong gets inappropriately criticised. The insecurity that comes from having a problem that could not be stopped. I am speaking for me here as I reflect on you - so don't take it personal and such.
Mssr Ouch, you do make big points in short sentences sir. Much thanks.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 30, 2007 8:53:22 GMT -5
It's Friday. I'm almost never here on a Friday and because of that I'm feeling a little impish. I learned a lesson from our cat. Our cat, I am sure, believes she has the cleanest a** in the owrld. Why? Because she can run her tongue across it. What greater, more sensitive measure is there? Of course the cat being a lower order animal (house plant with legs IMO) does not even realise the high price it pays for this sense of security and superiority. My point to me today is that a sense of security and a sense of superiority often come with a higher price than I might realise. Recovery means insecurity (risk taking) and being the same as everyone else - humility. Alittle something to work on.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Dec 4, 2007 9:12:31 GMT -5
Today I see C. so may have more to write later. For now I am reflcting on yesterday. Let me say now, if I had the choice, I'd be a writer. Yesterday a limerick contest got me to exercise that jones. Lotsa fun BUT also too much hubris. Today I feel foolish about it. Probably not as bad as I might make it out to be in my mind. Nonetheless, if I am not happy about it now and I am the sole arbiter of myself, then I deserve the emotioins I feel. That being embarrassment. Fortunately this is not anger. Progress?
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 4, 2007 9:24:39 GMT -5
Cammy,
Great minds do think alike Was feeling much the same last night. Had fun ,got carried away(you, me and CV). Today on reflecting back, its perfectly OK. I think it was all done in fun(crap, I keep rhyming) and a good release for all of us as well as a great opportunity to get to know each other a little better. Nothing wrong with being smart. God knows we beat ourselves up for all the stupid stuff we have done. Nothing wrong with feeling good about being smart or clever.
For me the real answer to hubris or release was the fact that Mrs. BF was scribbling partial limericks on napkins at 11:30 last night and we feel asleep together giggling and rhyming.
bf
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Dec 6, 2007 11:53:57 GMT -5
Been a few days. Tried yesterday and when psoted my login time had expired arrrrrrrgh. Might put that on the venting thread. It was an entry of such beauty and insight, were it captured, I might be cured by now. Back to reality:
Saw C on Monday. A better session. C believes progress being made. This in the sense of having greater emotional flexibility and less sensitivity to criticism. I report lessening moments of angry cammy. Mrs. Cammy also. So these are small positive steps. I also want to joke around a little more. That too is nice.
I have not mentioned this before but I have a baby coming. LIke soon. Has been a motivator and a stressor. Right nowas the cash position is good is it is a motivator. When cash goes away (don't it always???) I get stressed. Such is the life of the self employed. This has nothing to do with p but influences urges. A desire fopr freedom sometimes equals a desire to act out. Oddly it is a petulant display of independence. Immature. If I wanted more idependence I could take up macrame - nobody wants to share in that! LOL You get the idea. If I need me time I can do it much more constructively.
OK gotta go talk to a guy about a horse. C'ya soon
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 6, 2007 12:23:30 GMT -5
Huge congrats to you and Mrs. Cammy. Been quite a few years for us since having to deal with new born but having raised three I will takes newborn over teenage anytime.
Sounds like therapy is going okay for you. Hang on to those lighter moments-they are vital to maintain sanity and achieve balance.
Understand about self-employed-same for me.
Go to go, Mrs BF and I have put me in on a board timer. I already only have 19 minutes left of my alloted 2 hours and its only 11:30. yikes!!
bf
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 6, 2007 22:09:59 GMT -5
Congratulation on the soon-arriving child. Yay! What a blessing for you and your wife.
I haven't read your journal for a while. Could the angries you were feeling earlier be part of the grieving cycle? After all, you're letting go and/or killing-off (not sure how you think of your addiction) of something that had been pretty important to you for a long time.
LookingUp
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Dec 7, 2007 10:21:59 GMT -5
hi LU, thanks for dropping by again. I'll take a run at your question. Anger for me sits on at least two levels. I inherited a baseline of it that I think is higher than the average (My mother died when I was young and I got a chronic illness as a child - both events trained me in the unfairness of life a little too early perhaps). So I know that I walk around with a latent hostility that I always have to work on. C suggests this will take time to improve and may never happen to the degree I wish.
The effect of this is that I transmute all negative emotions into anger, almost reflexively, because anger is something I know. So I need to work on feeling other emotions as they exist. This has been hard too but I'm seeing some improvement there. EG It is difficult to resist becoming angry and choose to feel shame instead. Your question then i am I feeling grief at the loss of one great anger reducing coping strategy? Maybe!!!!! But I sure appreciate the question.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Dec 10, 2007 10:14:34 GMT -5
I noted a triggering happening recently & chatted with SO about it. Seems that when I feel ignored or excluded by SO I get the urge. How nice of me to notice. DW & I talked about that. She has lots of reasons to be emotionally blown up & stressed - late stage pregnancy and work demands. The result is an emotrional close down by her on family time. This drives me nuts cause 1) were trying to recover here and 2) we don't have a family so we can work - it's the other way round. She does report to be feeling pressured about sex - it's been awhile IMO- but not feeling pressured re the pron recovery. That is good at least. So we have many stressful times in our house right now and throw Christmas on top. I'm a big believer in having faith in DW and continue to. This too will pass. After discussing it we felt better. Except for the sex part. LOL
On theupside we went out and bought our present to each other. We like art. So we bought a piece we cannot afford. Further details are not forthcoming. I'll talk about my sexlife publicly but my art - nooooooooo way! Git yer own.
Hope the weekend was good for all readers! I note a new, interesting accountability circle. Cammy
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