william1000
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I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Oct 23, 2007 4:14:37 GMT -5
Hi Cammy
I like your journal, its simple and straightforward. I'm not sure if you want any comments back in it. I find its good to know someone else is reading it. I like your comment
"Like me she finds that some SOs areinvested in their anger and is occassionally concerned about the degree of hopelessness this inspires. Empathy for them, it is very sad to read but unfortunately, it does not help with my recovery and she tells me it does not help with hers"
I think some SOs who write here have so much anger and hate in them its scary. I guess thats what P does. It destroys lives. I'm also not sure if some of the posts by SO's are good for other SOs to read. It focuses them on how bad it could get rather than how good it could be. I hope you and your partner successfully deal with this together. For either of you its not good if it destroys everything you have. I think you will succeed your attitude is right.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Oct 23, 2007 9:39:03 GMT -5
Thanks for compliments. All comments are welcome. But a warning. This is a journal, I'm writing to myself, not seeking a dialogue here. In some cases I am judgemental, in other cases amazingly ignorant. I reflect my feelings here and rarely do I try to be erudite. But if you see something worth mentioning and choose to do that I will be grateful. Thanks, Cammy.
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Oct 24, 2007 20:36:45 GMT -5
Well, a weird day. First I'm kind of sneaking an entry in under the wire. I judge that to be OK as I made the effort to visit. Today my computer ran out of pwer. I can remember a day when that would have caused great distress. Today I felt relieved I didn't have to use the thing. So clearly I have a relationship issue with my computer. The issue is that there appears to be a relationship! Continued use does not seem to be fixing the matter just yet - maybe because it is just so imprinted. In some ways I am using this site as a substitute ofr P. I'm also comfy with this. Today I could not visit and felt better. Without this window I wasn't an addict in my mind. I was just me doing my thing. And it was healthy. I liked it. Lots of work to do........ Cammy.
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Oct 25, 2007 10:10:34 GMT -5
Today is Thursday and I am 3 weeks free today. I never used to save any p on my lappie. Having said that...........found a pic the other day. Deleted it, told my wife. Searched for others, found none. I'm recountingthis now because the episoide didn't impact me at all or my wife - it was a pic she had seen many months before. So I ask myself - am I really 3 weeks without P? My best understanding is yes I am. My behaviour to this one image was different than my behaviour in the past.
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Oct 26, 2007 7:48:41 GMT -5
Hiya journal. Gona be rude today. Lots to do, not much time to do it. Wanted you to know I remembered you.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Oct 29, 2007 10:27:55 GMT -5
Often Mondays are a log post b/c I haven't written anything for a few. But now my counsellor is asking me to keep a journal as well. It would seem I am to codify my life as I must have so little insight. Touch of anger there. The C asks me to document moments of anger or desire to watch P. Two things coming out of this now:
My wife asks me often if I want to write that down or when I do write down, what I am angry about. I asked her to ID stuff cause I was having trouble. I seem to be having less trouble now but still happens. Wanted to watch P this w/e. Car broke down, wie had left house. PLans derailed with a 12 year old wanting to be entertained. Day went late into evening b4 everyone went to bed and finally had opportunity to decompress. Late at night. Alone. Good scenario yes? Well, no P, so there!
What I'm learning is that P and my anger revolve around the idea of boundaries. I am reactively angry when I think my boundaries are being infringed. This explains greater than 90% of my anger. It also explains my use of P. I can use it when decompressing from angst or stress. In other words, I get a fantasy on my own terms. Not real life of course. But I'm not seeking real life ion those moments. I have to find a way to replace that.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Oct 30, 2007 12:07:55 GMT -5
So I was disappointed today in this site, or rather, the members on this site. Most of them long standing members. It would seem that there are alternate sites to which they belong. It would appear that these alternate sites hold opposing mandates to some degree. So here, as mature adults must, they hate each other. Or disagree respectfully as a means of sheltering their emotiuons. Frankly, games. Here's my mature response: This does not help my recovery. Keep it away from me.
So I get angry b/c I value this site, use it and may even need it right now. It's mine to that extent and you are scr*****wing with what's mine. There's the boundary breech. How to combat? Realise that your animosity to each other is a way to see what I do not want to be - a self-invested hate monger. Thanks for the therapy.
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Post by JohnG on Oct 30, 2007 13:40:05 GMT -5
Cammy,
There has always been a lot of drama on the board. Clearly it prejudices the recovery of all those who get dragged into it. So it is critical to avoid the "contentious threads" as they are called.
But the presence of those threads and certain persons who at one time upset me greatly have actually given me an opportunity to learn. Everyone on this board is ill in some way. Some have been hurt by themselves and some have been wounded deeply by persons who purported to love them. Not everyone processes harm in the same way and some may be unable to move past it. I don't pretend to understand why everyone on this board acts the way that they do, but I know that I am in no position to judge them. That I am not as angry or full of rage is more a matter of luck than any merit of my own.
In AA it is suggested that when the conduct of another person bothers us or disturbs our peace, we must pray for them as we would for any sick friend. If we do this, and do it sincerely, we will be relieved of our own anger and resentment and our peace will be restored. Though this technique has not worked for everyone, it certainly has helped me.
I hope you are well today.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by amaninfull on Oct 30, 2007 13:47:14 GMT -5
Cammy,
As you've probably discovered by now, the General Board and the Recovering Addicts' Forum are lively places indeed. I wish that I could say that they were lively marketplaces of ideas, but as you know, they are as likely to be rife with unsupportable opinion (defended to the death) as helpful ideas on how to quit and stay quit.
I happened onto your journal simply because it contained a recent post, and was immediately impressed with your articulateness, intelligence, and an evident seriousness of purpose that was leavened by a nice sense of humor. In short, I realized I needed to warn you away from what we in the Secular Circle sometimes refer to as The Generalization Board.
I typically only visit them for their tabloid value. Unfair, I know. I'm working on it.
Accountability Circles can be excellent places to get support from other thoughtful individuals.
To speak to a specific recent issue you've mentioned: many of us have noticed that we have isolationist tendencies. There's something in there that seems to go with porn addiction, as you've noted.
To get a quick summary of my notions about recovery (and I think your instincts are right about your counselor: your priority now is to stay off porn, not to fix your broken self), check out my last journal entry.
Best of luck, AMIF
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Oct 30, 2007 15:09:07 GMT -5
Thank you both. My strategy si to re-frame in a sense. This needs practice though because I am not good at it. My anger remains reactive, and if you knew me personally, would likely not see why I get so mad so fast. I have just learned and that's a start. The journal is my place to vent it. I try to be more balanced on the board. Thanks both of you for your thoughts and suggestions. Going to read AMIF now. Then home to the heavy bag. LOL
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Oct 31, 2007 7:52:09 GMT -5
Another day etc., etc. Yesterday I got an e-mail from a company I trust. It was soft core. Unbelieveable because they sell boxing equipment. I may be hypersensitive but this stuff seems to be everywhere.
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Post by MrOuch on Oct 31, 2007 8:33:52 GMT -5
Cammy,
This board, just like life, is made up of all kinds of people. Some people are very pleasant and helpful. Some people can be cantankerous and confrontational. But everyone here at some level has a common ground in being at the no-porn support board. I agree with AMIG in that there is a certain tabloid aspect of some of the threads. Now I recognize them soon enough and realize they have nothing to offer me expect the spectacle of a slow motion train wreck.
Thankfully your journal has none of this vitriol in it. Taken on balance, I find this board to be an immensely healthy place to visit.
You seem to be doing a tremendous job working at your recovery. I wish you well on your journey and I applaud you on staying clear of the fray.
MrOuch
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 1, 2007 7:49:14 GMT -5
Today is one month abstinence from porn. I am feeling better than when I started. I have new crap replacing old crap so lots to do BUT at least it's new crap! LOL Or maybe recently resurfaced crap? Either way - layers are being explored here. Don't want to over dramatise, just worth noting that sometimes you see more clearly when you're not looking at pixels. It hasn't been without it's moments - twice I have had to remind myself and not look at it. And that's after all the fall out and everything else. Kind of a sense of "wouldn't a little p be relaxing right now??" That is how I delude myself - it's just a diversion. It isn't of course. But that's it for reflection today. Today is a great day. Today I drink, eat gud food, all that bad stuff b/c I am freer today than have been for a month.
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 1, 2007 8:24:22 GMT -5
OK, I lied. Can't help but reflect. I'm nervous about writing this but it may give some personal benefit. I read the SO forum. I want to know how my behaviours impact others. I see it in my wife and get that. That is sufficient. But I understand more by seeing the impact on others as well. Some stuff I do not understand.
I do not understand why a person who has divorced/broken up with a PA continues to give relationship advice here. Is that part of recovery? A grieveing? A desire to remain with ones you know? I wonder b/c that person could simply walk away from the issue and be free of it evermore. In a sense I'm saying I would do that given an equivalent position - but as an addict I can be unfeeling. In fact, I find I do that. I dismiss such folks as overly invested and not helpful to my recovery. My view is that their rage will not dissipate or varigate. As such I cannot expect a reasoned response on a case by case basis. I can expect the same old song. This provides no insight or teaching. My view on this is entirely self-centred but I'm still more worried about my & DW's well being as opposed to anyone else's. The real truth is that I worry that they seek to harm a relationship I greatly value. "it never works", "Save yourself", "Get out now" are all phrases I see implied by such people. My control freak - who I must deal with in all of this - wants to protect my relationship as I see fit. Ridiculous. I trust my wife implicity. I know that we will stay together and certainly nobody is going to poison her mind on an internet board. That thought is laughable. But my control freak is offended at the perceived attempt.
Did I mention one month? LOL
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Post by amaninfull on Nov 1, 2007 17:20:24 GMT -5
Congrats on one month, Cammy. It's a significant milestone, actually - having done something for ~30 days consecutively is generally considered the threshold for developing a new habit, among those who study such matters.
Imagining that I would find little there to help me quit and stay quit, I have yet to visit the SO forum. I've been on this site - and porn-free - for 100 days.
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