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Post by MrOuch on Nov 2, 2007 8:26:22 GMT -5
cammy,
This is where the old adage "taken with a grain of salt" comes into play. I read the SO forum regularly. However, there is much hurt and anger there. Sometimes there's downright mean-spiritedness in the mix. I cannot validate any of the feelings or emotions expressed there. I try not to make any judgments while visiting there. I didn't live their lives. I find that none of the threads exactly mirror my experience with my wife. But I find elements of my situation in every post there. I need to be reminded of those elements from time to time.
When I hear the addict voice in my head telling me that it wasn't so bad in the old porning days, I go to the SO forum. It gives me a glimpse back into the past. It helps me remember how bad it can be. I don't want that ever again.
Be clean today and everyday.
Respectfully,
MrOuch
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 5, 2007 15:27:51 GMT -5
Good to get posts from folks, really good actually:) . Today I saw C. He took great interest in my journal. Readers may note earlier entry where C requested I keep a journal on anger and p urges. So I've been doing that and I've been writing here. C got both iterations of my daily life. Needless to say, we have a follow-up appointment. LOL
The appointment was good. C believes that progress is being made. That's great however, I did not see it. C pointed to journaliing and self attention to emotion as progress. I get that but while observing a thing may change a thing, it does so in an unintended, haphazard way. Iguess I was hoping for a measured, intentional treatment result change or improvement C could point to. This is interesting to me because I know better than to expect what I do. Yet, here I am expecting it. " You are better ingradient, in this manner Mr. Cammy. See you in two weeks." That is what I want to hear. laughable. Maybe this will be like one of those wrist sprains. It limits and pains you. And then one day you notice that it did not. And you are better. But you wonder right? You wonder - how long have I been better and NOT noticed? And so I wonder in what ways am I better and not noticing?
So I have been asked to work on body language and to work on facial expression - guess I look like an ax murderer or something. Mrs. Cammy has also been requested - through me - to point out when I go angry Cammy.
So all this will be done. And I will feel better and not even know it.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 6, 2007 9:40:31 GMT -5
I am having withdrawl effects. Iam irritable, angrier than usual - or quicker to anger than usual. Fertile ground for C. LOL Also am fidgety. Last night had an abstinence dream. Told SO about it and we chatted about withdrawl etc. Seems to be agreement on that point. I'm kind of happy about it because it is a cleaning kind of process so I know I'm getting clean(er?).
In the end yesterday was pretty trying. This may have had something to do with having a dream in the first place. It is interesting how one can have a difficult day and the emotional effects seems to impact you where you are most vulnerable. What is it about being human that makes us this way? Is it that the emotional impact is everywhere so you just notice where it hurts the most? Or is it that the emotional impact is self-directed so you ensure yourself a nice big reaction? An answer to this would be helpful b/c it could allow me to redirect if the case is the latter or just strengthen up if the case is the former. Either way, it's a strategy. Cammy
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 8, 2007 16:01:07 GMT -5
Hi,
Just here for a quick visit. Today has been good, lots of laughter. I almost never think about using Pthese days. Glad for that but need to keep a vigilance. I see enough guys fall from hubris. I don't want to be one but happy not to have urges now. Noticed the absence of a few stallwarts. Read a journal or two,hope they are "being well".
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 8, 2007 22:19:15 GMT -5
Keep your guard up. Glad to see you're doing well.
MrOuch
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 9, 2007 11:41:40 GMT -5
Yep, guard stays up. Especially now because the withdrawl thing is a little worse than I expected. Not in an urge sense but in a mood sense. I'm all prickly and kinda intolerant. The wise person might ask "How canI tell the difference Cammy?". I suspect that you could. So holding a reasonable social interaction is proving difficile as my french side would say. Mrs. Cammy is also having mucho stress at work so this impacts too. Together we could pull down democracy I think we're sooooooo tight. Needless to say other enjoyable aspects of life have been shelved. Not because we want to, but jeez, stressin gets ya worn out. Her tension worries me which adds to the pile.
So yesterday was good and today, less so, as I write. Here's the thing: when this stress/angst ends I know that'll be a trigger. Likely this will happen Sunday. There will be no P. But it's the triggers that I dislike. Let you know Monday. Cammy
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 12, 2007 11:47:45 GMT -5
Came on the board after the weekend and it appears that we are questioning the USA today. Both the SO and PA side have lines either promulgating glory or disgust with our large neighbour (please note the u). LOL We have a PA suggesting this countery saved the world (bull shyte) and a swede suggesting it corrupted religion (two words - Spanish Inquisition). So since we're on it here are my 2 cents on modern US history:
There is a general view that the US saved Europe twice. WW I & II. This often an american view and is largely untrue. The US involved itself in these wars much later than it's allies. If it were moivated to save the world the US would have been involved much sooner. In fact, the US got into these wars purely out of self interest. That others benefitted is a great side bar story. This is not a criticism. All the other participants were there for the same reason. Except maybe Canada. LOL
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 14, 2007 13:21:55 GMT -5
I had a real point of progress today. My wife brought up that on D-Day I had a smoke (I quit and obviously "slipped"). It was in reference to her ability to know what I am doing, like a cammy psychic. She was angry at the fact I cheated with the big fat ciggie. So I felt shame. But before it could transmute to anger I stopped that process and just felt shame. I made some joke about it in the moment but inside I was very pleased with myself. Still am.
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cammy
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Posts: 221
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Post by cammy on Nov 15, 2007 15:49:02 GMT -5
So more on this anger thingie. I am believing myself able to change this or reduce it. Not easy to do. But based on the same thing of yesterday I am thinking that I may be able to stop my knee jerk reaction to anger and feel all the emotions I try to avoid. Not my idea of fun but with effort I can learn to accept the other tough stuff like guilt, anxiety, shame, etc. Hell, I even turn surprise into anger. My wife always tests me with "I have a surprise for you". Wonder why that is? ? What I notice is that if I do not catch the emoption before I switch it I can't go back. So I have to be attentive. Oh, how does this relate to P? I guess P is an avoidance strategy. Get to avoid anger, which I use to avoid other emotions, because anger is not easy to handle all the time. So I grew me a terrible coping strategy. This fits with what I know about myself so far. I am seeing the counsellor and will bring this up on Monday. Hopefully, he sees some value in it too as I'd hate to drop the guy . LOL. Hopefully he has some tools or exercises or something. First step is notcicing what I am feeling. This will be hard. Mrs. Cammy and I are in a low mood. Just has been crud. We treat each other fine, offer consideration etc. I am concerned about her overall emotional state. Just sad, kinda removed, very tired. There could be reasons for it unrelated to this. But THIS don't help.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 16, 2007 10:18:07 GMT -5
I should start figuring out the days of freedom soon. Yesterday was 6 weeks I think. A dude, kid really, posted & flamed today. Posted apparently a XX pic. Laughable. Like ummmm 800 of us had not seen such a thing before? I noticed that the thread in question had 10 views when it was generally identified. In about 5 minutes it had 19 views. I'll say here, and nowhere else, that I was not one of them. It suggests to me that quitting is inside. It also suggests that living is what you want it to be. I'm kinda all over with my thinking here but will try to be more clear in next posting. Something good is happening right now and I'll figure out what in the next few days.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 23, 2007 13:13:53 GMT -5
Well, It's been awhile since I posted here. My SO had a health event and this has kept me away on other things. All is fine on that front as far as we can tell. I saw C about three days ago. It was not the best session ever. C appeared a little frustrated from the beginning. I do not think this had anything to do with me, rather other events in C world influencing C life. For example, he told me I would never form sustaining relationships. Not his style to use absolutes. He modified this later. Upshot? I do not feel that we communicated well last visit.
Having said that, we discussed the fact that I generally do not trust people. This leads me to "manage" how they interact with me, which is to say remotely and on my terms. This I have few genuine relationships. This all true. C seems to think this must be changed and I am less certain that I wish to change this aspect of me. Most people would ask why. I get that we are generally a social animal. I am not, never have been. I gain benefit from the experiences of others - I can only access those through interaction. Beyond that I am not energised by companionship and have not been for many years. So I "manage" how much I interact and with whom. This makes me poor at social settings and demands. So the cycle continues. It would seem I have a decision to make.
P wise I've not had urges to look. That's good. It seems like I'm moving through a phase here where my poor me attitude is just getting too damn tiring. So I'm moving away from that. What I find - and memebers here are great to point out - that I have an intolerance for absolutism etc. In other words, even here, I am rigid in my interaction with others. Acceptance it would seem may be a worthy goal.
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 23, 2007 14:02:43 GMT -5
Here it is:
This my 100th post in the forum/site. It is also two months w/o P. Celebrating two anniversaries together. Thanks to all, Cammy.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 23, 2007 20:42:43 GMT -5
How about a big WOO HOO for cammy!!!
100 posts and 2 months clean. Now that is a cause for Thanksgiving.
Be well friend,
MrOuch
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Nov 26, 2007 10:32:53 GMT -5
thx Mr. O.
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Post by rockwell on Nov 26, 2007 10:53:16 GMT -5
Cammy - I echo what Mr. Ouch said above. 2 months clean is great and keep the postings coming. Journal, journal journal!
Rockwell
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