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Post by smart1 on Oct 12, 2007 12:46:36 GMT -5
Actually, I realized today that part of the reason that I'm thinking about sex so much is that it's been a while since my wife and I have been intimate. Perhaps I'm horny?? It does happen. Usually I would look at porn and "scratch that itch" as it were. But, I'm not looking at porn anymore - so I haven't scratched in a while. My wife just sent me an email requesting a "tennis date" tonight. That is our code for sex. So, I'm looking forward to going home today. There is a lot of work that I have got to do so, I'd better get to it! Thanks for the encouragement lamaboy. I DO agree with you about not isolating ourselves. I think that it is cool that you feel comfortable enough to use your real name. And remember, Day 3 is better than acting out! Congrats on your renewed recovery.
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Post by lamaboy on Oct 12, 2007 15:06:40 GMT -5
Hi Smart1, Have fun playing tennis. Just be careful of your achilles tendon. (That's the tendon that I ruptured playing basketball.)] I wish I had someone to play tennis with. Ah well. Life is going well for me right now actually. In regards to scratching an itch, I think it can go both ways. Having a lot of sex can make you want to look at porn. Having no sex can make you want to look at porn. In my opinion, correlation, 95% of the time acting out isn't really related to sex at all. Do you get to request a tennis date, or is it just her? And what about my question - have you talked about porn stuff with her lately? It sounds like you are doing well! Re: using my real name - how do you know Tom is my real name? It's actually Lorenzo Lamaboy. Seriously, I just started thinking there was no reason not to use my real first name. The username Tom is already taken. At one point, I suspected my ex-girlfriend was reading my posts, so I wanted to hide my identity more than usual. Now I can't imagine that she could still be following my posts, and if she is, I don't care. So it's "Tom" from now on. - Tom
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Post by smart1 on Oct 15, 2007 9:01:13 GMT -5
Answer to your question - no, I haven't talked to my wife about porn issues lately. Honestly, it didn't occur to me until you mentioned it. I haven't felt the need to talk about it. I don't feel that I am ignoring a problem or avoiding talking about it - I just haven't felt the need. Do I still feel tempted? From time to time - yes. Yesterday morning I was enjoying sleeping late and being lazy when I was remembering some porn from before. I got an erection and then realized what I was doing. I shut out the images and focused on the good things in my life. Like getting to be lazy on a Sunday morning. It is a slippery slope. I realize that if I started acting out again I would have a difficult time stopping. I don't really want to act out. I truly enjoy not having to worry about getting caught - or having to explain anything that is on my computer or what is on that website. I enjoy being true to myself and to my wife. It's just when I am feeling sorry for myself - I'm not perfect - that I try to convince myself that I "deserve" to look at porn. As if it were a right. I've been down lately because I haven't been able to find a better job than the one I currently have. I've been looking for 4 years now. I've had two phone interviews and three face to face interviews in that time. I see ads and nothing really interests me about the jobs - it's just a different job. I'm trying to get back on with my old company but I probably won't even get an interview. What the hell! It makes me very angry. I don't like working for the people I work for. I don't like having to be on their side and to agree with them. I don't like it. I don't like working for emotionally unstable people. And I get angry at short-sighted people at other companies who won't even give me a chance. I'm considering getting an MBA. The only reason is because a good friend got his MBA and doubled his salary. But he has to travel all the time. I'm not that interested in running a business. I just want a better job with better benefits. Is that too much to ask?? I job where I don't have to go in on the weekends, late at night or on holidays. I've been working here for seven years. And I think that is long enough. Well, I really need to get back to work! That's enough griping for one day. I'll start up again tomorrow!
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Post by smart1 on Oct 16, 2007 8:33:48 GMT -5
My addict voice has been talking a lot this morning. I will not listen to it. Today marks 7 months sober! (And it's National Boss Day - and I'm a boss!) I am angry and frustrated by being unable to find a better job - a different job - or even to go on an interview!! When I get angry I don't know what to do with myself - what to do with the energy. I feel uncomfortable and looking at porn eases that discomfort. That's what I used to do. Today is really the first day that I saw the connection between the anger/frustration and the porn use. There are too many good things going on in my life right now - I don't need to screw things up by looking at porn! I always feel better coming here, reading other people's stories and writing about my feelings. This is what I do now instead of looking at porn!
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Post by smart1 on Oct 23, 2007 9:06:47 GMT -5
My stupid addict voice is still with me. It is still saying the same things - "just for a couple of minutes, who does it hurt, you know you want to..." Same old crap - different day. It makes me smile a little to realize how pathetic the voice sounds. And yet - there have been times in the last couple of days when I was sitting at my desk, logged onto the internet, hand on the mouse when I was very tempted to look "just for a minute". It makes me angry that I still get tempted. I think that I should be done with this by now. But then I read some of the journals here and I realize that even the people with years of sobriety get tempted. I just have to remember to continue to work on my recovery and to not let my guard down. I don't like who I am when I am acting out. I enjoy the fact that someone else can look at the history on my computer and not find anything illicit. It's a good feeling - one that I plan on maintaining. The biggest reason for staying clean is for myself - I like myself now - but I don't want to lose everything that I have - my wife, my kids, my home, my job, myself. It is not worth it - just to look at pictures of naked women. The other thing I've been thinking about lately is the difference between wanting to be close with my wife and wanting to view porn. Yesterday I realized that it is similar to the difference between being thirsty and wanting a drink of alcohol. It hits different parts of my brain. Being thirsty is normal and natural. Wanting alcohol is very different than being thirsty. I can quench my thirst with water. I can only quench my desire for alcohol with alcohol. For me, as a porn addict, at first it could be just any porn - but after a short time - one hour? - I would want specific porn to hit just the right spot. Is that the same for alcoholics? I don't know. That is what frightens me - it wouldn't last for "only a couple of minutes" - it would last for hours and then every day after that for hours a day. It has only been 7 months since I've started on this road to recovery. I have been addicted to porn - in one form or another - for more than 30 years! I have to give it some time. I can't be cured in a couple of months. It's still a long way until I've been sober for a year. That is my next goal. It sounds wonderful to me but I have to keep working on my recovery. As always, it helps to come here and write what I am feeling. To put the thoughts that are tormenting me in my head down on "paper" helps get them out of my head. Just for today - I will not look at porn!
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Post by smart1 on Oct 29, 2007 9:47:51 GMT -5
Howdy! Last week was a rough week. As I have posted in the general discussion board I came very close to acting out last week. I went as far as to type in the web address into my browser but did not click on "enter". So, I didn't actually go to the site - but that was my intent. I was so angry and stressed out that I thought "F*** it - I'm doing it! I give a **** about this! I want to see &&&&!" After I typed the address I sat and contemplated it for a couple of seconds. Is this really what I want to do? Really? To myself, to my wife, to my kids? What will this do for me? How will this help? It only took a couple of seconds - then I turned off the browser. I would have been VERY disappointed in myself if I had gone through with it. I'm not that person. I have worked TOO hard to get to this point to merely throw it all away. I actually felt much better about the stress and anxiety after I turned off the browser. I felt that I did have strength and an internal resolve to change. I let my addict out, let him scream - and then ignored his request. He's not so invincible after all. That is good to know. I let my sons watch "Young Frankenstein" the other night. Neither of them wanted to watch it at first - it is in black and white. By the end they were both laughing loudly and transfixed. Another classic in their repertoire. They didn't get all of the sex jokes - which there were a lot - but loved the slapstick - and loved the monster! I had a wonderful day yesterday visiting with college friends. We get together every year at Halloween. I can't believe that we've been friends for nearly 30 years. Incredible. I have to go - lots of work to be done.
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Post by smart1 on Nov 2, 2007 10:42:55 GMT -5
Just wanted to post today. I haven't posted all week. I am doing well. I haven't felt an overwhelming desire to act out the way I did last week. I did look at a couple of cheerleader pictures on SI yesterday but didn't linger long. I don't consider it porn per se but I purposefully went to look at the pictures. I don't subscribe to SI because I don't want to get the swimsuit issue. I received it last year when I had just started my recovery. I threw it away after my wife looked at it. I'm working on my recovery. I am finding it easier to avoid temptation and to overcome temptation when I feel it. Actually, I feel pretty good about myself and my recovery today. I read CV's post about first coming here in November 2000. I wish that I had found this website when I first knew I had a problem - back in 1997. I could have avoided a lot of pain if I had. But I can't go back in time - not even for a minute - so I continue to work on my recovery. That's all I have to say today. I remember what I wanted to say. I realized the other day that this addiction is a lot like a disease. (I know that that is a commonly held belief.) Last week I was feeling sorry for myself because I don't get to look at porn anymore and how unfair that was... (I know - cry me a river) Then I thought about my sister who has Type II diabetes. She had to watch her diet and ensure that she gets adequate exercise to control her disease - for the rest of her life. Is it fair? What is fair? So that is similar to my situation - I have to control my urge to look at porn - the rest of my life. I don't have to do it all at once - just for today - I will not look at porn! That is all I wanted to say today.
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Post by lamaboy on Nov 5, 2007 8:09:47 GMT -5
Hi Smart1,
Amazing story about typing in the browser window, and then not typing enter. How much closer can you get to acting out, without doing it? You're doing very well. I'm impressed.
You are right when you ask "how will this help?" Looking at porn doesn't help at all. It just makes things worse, and probably lots worse.
I totally relate to this part: "F*** it - I'm doing it! I give a **** about this! I want to see &&&&!"
I have that exact same idea, expressed in the same tone. Slightly different words though.
Who do you think we are talking to when we say that? And who is it who is speaking it?
- Tom
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Post by smart1 on Nov 5, 2007 10:11:45 GMT -5
Hey lamaboy - glad to see that you are back. That's an interesting question - Who ARE we talking to - and who is doing the talking?? That put a smile on my face during a morning when I am feeling VERY stressed. Our lab is being audited next week. I have two analysts out on extended vacations. And I know that everything is not ready for the audit. Plus, I have one analyst who should be here at 8am every morning - and it is 9am and he's still not here!!! Other than that - I am fine! I got a lot of stuff done around the house this weekend. Raked the yard, planted tulips and hyacinths, cleaned the oven and mailed cards to my nephews. Two of my nephews became fathers this past summer. I FINALLY sent them (and their girlfriends) a card with some money in it this morning. At least it's better than waiting until the kids are one! I dreamt that I was trapped by a polar bear at a Dave Matthews concert last night. I woke up before the polar bear could kill me (or hurt me). Strange dream. For a while I thought that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep - but I did. The time change is messing up my sleep right now. I've been have a hard enough time getting up in the morning as it is. I really need to get a lot of stuff done this morning. I'll check back later.
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Post by lamaboy on Nov 6, 2007 9:55:24 GMT -5
Trapped by a polar bear at a Dave Matthew's concert? That sounds funny to me. You may be interested to know that fatalities resulting from Polar Bear attack are very rare.
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Post by smart1 on Nov 16, 2007 14:09:46 GMT -5
!! 8 Months Sober!! Today marks 8 months of sobriety from porn. While it was (and still is somedays) very difficult I am happy to report that I have not viewed porn in 8 months. I haven't not been spending a lot of time here the last several weeks because I have been very, very busy at work. I wanted to stop by today and revel in my anniversary. !! 8 Months Sober!! I will not look at porn today!
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Post by lamaboy on Nov 26, 2007 20:42:01 GMT -5
Congratulations on 8 months! Great job! I'm at 2 weeks myself. Glad you are busy. - Tom
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Post by smart1 on Dec 18, 2007 11:04:22 GMT -5
Nine months sober!!!
I just returned to work from a 2 week sick leave. I had a detached retina in my right eye. I had surgery to repair it plus two other procedures in the doctor's office before the retina fully reattached. I am all better now other than I have a gas bubble in my right eye that I can see constantly. It is very annoying. I wear an eye patch when I drive because the bubble is very distracting.
Glad to be back.
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Post by smart1 on Dec 20, 2007 9:38:42 GMT -5
I just made my first post on the new board. I will now switch to the new board for any posts. I have learned a lot about myself and my demons on this board. I look forward to all the wonderful discussions on the new board.
cheers!
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