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Post by lamaboy on Jun 17, 2007 19:46:28 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Good job! almost 100 days!
I hope you are not thinking of rewarding yourself for making it to 100 days!
I was sober for 100 days once. I actually promised myself that I could look at porn if I could make it to 100 days. Luckily, a counselor convinced me that I would be better off sober, and I didn't act out. I'm rooting for you!
- B
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Post by smart1 on Jun 18, 2007 8:37:42 GMT -5
Day 94. Thanks for checking in Bogey. No, I'm not planning on rewarding myself with porn for making it to 100 days! Early in my recovery I used to have thoughts like that. I was trying to think of something to "commemorate" the occasion but I don't have to any more. I got some nice gifts for Father's Day yesterday (Benefit album for Darfur, all covers of John Lennon songs, Paul McCartney's latest CD and an iPod) and I just got my old baseball glove rewoven. These are all excellent presents. Plus, the only gift I can give myself is to continue on my recovery from my porn addiction. I read an article in Parade magazine yesterday about men's health and how important friends are to men. We tend to believe the strong, silent type is the way to go about our business but friends are life saving. I need to work on my friendships. To keep up with my friends and keep those bonds strong. I only have a few close friends - none that live within 30 minutes of me - but friends none the less. That's enough for now. Mother Nature is calling and I must heed her call!
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Post by smart1 on Jun 19, 2007 8:27:29 GMT -5
Day 95.
Just checking in. Talked to my wife last night about some of the topics I've been reading here. She was glad to hear that I was still sober but didn't realize that I was coming here. I thought that I had explained that but obviously not. Even though it was a good talk I still felt awful afterwards. I guess talking about it just brings back all those feelings of guilt and shame. And feeling very, very stupid and weak. Weak. I don't like feeling weak or vulnerable. That's what's at the heart of all of this, isn't it? The illusion of being in control of a relationship. Fantasy relationships give the illusion of control. If I want to "see" the other person - I control when or if. I control how long the interaction lasts. Or, I imagined I did. But I wasn't in control. I was out of control and addicted to the hunt, to the images, to the "rush" and to the excitement. Talking about it reminds me how far I've come but also, how far I've got to go to be "recovered".
But, it's good. I'm continuing to work on my recovery.
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Post by smart1 on Jun 20, 2007 8:58:22 GMT -5
Day 96. Feeling pretty good today. I am getting stuff done at work - even though I don't want to be here. I have been looking for a better job for more than 3 years now. It's not always the first thing on my agenda but it's always in the back of my mind. There are some things that I like but I know that I'll never make much more money than I am making right now. The owners will remain the same. And the workload will always be unpredictable and inconvenient. I don't get a whole lot of fulfillment from this job. But, what I was thinking yesterday is this: maybe I'm looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. It is just a job. It has a nice sounding title "Manager" and it sounds impressive (somewhat) that I have 15 people reporting to me. I was remembering that the times I most enjoyed working was when I had other things going on outside of work. Specifically I remember liking work whenever I was in a play. Maybe that's because I enjoyed being in a play so much that that joy spilled over into the other parts of my life. I never realized that until this moment! I haven't been in a play since October 1992. The next spring we bought a house. The spring after that we had our oldest son. I haven't had time to be in a play. It's as time consuming as having a second job. I've got a couple of books at home about "following your dreams" but I haven't read them in a while. Interesting. I'll have to find them and read them again. Besides thinking about my porn addiction, thinking about getting a better job is almost always next on my list. I enjoy being with my sons - and I do worry and think about them a great deal - when I think about myself, I think about work and porn addiction. This journal has been very helpful in my recovery. Today especially. Cool. Back to work - lots to get done today!
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Post by smart1 on Jun 21, 2007 8:13:23 GMT -5
Day 97. Getting closer to that "magic" number of days. I feel that I've been spending a lot of time thinking and analyzing myself over the past 100 days. Frankly, I'm a little tired of it. That doesn't mean that I'm going to relapse or act out or stop working on my recovery. I think that I need to spend my time and mental energy on building stronger bonds with the real people in my life. I'll still come here and post but lately this has started to feel too much like how I used to use the internet. It helps calm me down when I'm feeling anxious and that's how I'd use porn. To calm me down. I need to develop ways for dealing with my anxiety that don't include getting online and going to a BBS. That's how I'm feeling this morning.
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Post by lamaboy on Jun 21, 2007 9:06:17 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
It's good to hear how you are.
Regarding the talk with your wife - maybe what inspired feeling awful was the idea of confessing and secrecy. Because your wife wasn't aware you were posting here, it seemed like you were living a secret life, even though you weren't.
At some point in our recovery, we have to figure out who this Board fits into our recovery. It may be that you are at the point when you check in every week or two. It's served its purpose for now.
Or you may need to keep posting every day or so.
I think it's a great idea to build bonds with friends and other people in your life. In my case, when I'm feeling strongly connected to others, I have no desire to act out. Porn is often a way to try to make me feel better if I'm lonely. But if I'm not lonely, then I don't need to feel better, and I don't need porn.
I think you should find a new job. I hear you about maybe trying to find fulfillment in the wrong place. But spending 40 hours a week of your life doing something you don't like can really damage your soul. What would your life be like if you actually enjoyed your work? You could bring that joy into other aspects of your life, instead of the other way around.
Don't give up on that!
Also, find a play to act in!
- b
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Post by smart1 on Jun 22, 2007 8:35:25 GMT -5
Day 98. 14 weeks sober. Bogey, thanks for checking in and the supportive thoughts. That really hit home about spending 40 hours a week doing something I don't like. I tend to talk myself into accepting situations that I don't like. I guess it's the old "Winners never quit and quitters never win" mentality I heard growing up. Actually, I got a call from a headhunter yesterday. Maybe that will turn into something positive. I haven't decided how much I will be posting here. I know that I have benefited from coming here. I know I would not be at 100 days just on sheer will power alone. That never worked in the past. I'm more concerned about this site becoming a substitute for porn. The difference is that I feel better after coming here - not worse. Well, back to work!
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Post by lamaboy on Jun 23, 2007 8:09:52 GMT -5
Hey smart1, How do you think this site could be a substitute for porn? Are you using it to fill up time when you are procrastinating? I think that's OK, in general. How much time are you actually spending here? Do you keep telling yourself you need to quit, but find yourself back here again? Do you get turned on by the avatars that people post? I think one of the challenges of getting free of porn is substituting healthy activities for the porn habit. I think the board is a pretty healthy activity, depending on how you use it. Regarding work - I love my job, and that makes a huge difference in my life. You diserve a good working life, and your family would benefit from it too! You must be on day 99 today! Congratulations! - B
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Post by smart1 on Jun 25, 2007 8:29:15 GMT -5
DAY 101!!! Feeling pretty good this morning. I had a nice weekend at home with my family. Took the boys to the pool yesterday. And the Cubs swept the White Sox at the Cell!! There's not much joy in being a Cubs fan - got to take it when you can. This should shut up the White Sox fans for the season. Now I'm just waiting for the end of July when the Bears start training camp. I can't believe that I've made it past 100 days. I went back and re-read the first posts in my journal. I was feeling pretty desperate then. I still get tempted from time to time but nothing like then. This is the last day that I'll include the number on my posts. Now I just want to continue to be sober. My next goal will be to not look at porn today!! Thanks to everyone who has helped me with this journey. Bogey has posted several times to my journal and I always appreciate his comments and questions. I'm glad to see that he is on Day 17 of his recovery. I have learned a lot about myself from reading other people's posts. I don't always send a comment but I appreciate all the knowledge that is here. Well, one of the instruments at work is not functioning correctly so I'll get on my way. Bogey, the way this seems like porn to me is only superficially. I used to frequent a couple of BBS where people would post images. That's the part that is similar to me. Thanks for your concern.
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Post by lamaboy on Jun 26, 2007 0:19:18 GMT -5
Congratulations on 101 days!
Well done!
I hope to be joining you in that goal soon!
- B
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Post by smart1 on Jun 27, 2007 9:09:45 GMT -5
Feeling good today. Yesterday was an extremely busy, stress-filled day at work. This business is extremely deadline driven. If something needs to get done it needs to get done NOW! Or sooner - if that's possible. We end up spending lots of money because everything has to be shipped overnight. I understand that that is the business I am in but I don't always like it. It's a good adrenaline rush and I do get a sense of accomplishment but I never seem to have time to thoroughly explain to people WHY we do things this way.
I feel good because a day like yesterday used to send me looking for relief. I didn't even consider it yesterday. I was focused on getting my job done. That's a nice realization. I have set two long term goals for my recovery. I want to complete another 100 days - which will be on my birthday! And then I want to make it to my recovery birthday - next March 16. Of course my goal is always to make it through today without porn.
Thanks for the well wishes Bogey!
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Post by lamaboy on Jun 27, 2007 12:41:57 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Nice to hear about your progress.
Best wishes,
B
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Post by smart1 on Jun 29, 2007 9:12:27 GMT -5
This is the end of a very stressful week at work. After today it should get better until the next crisis. I spent all day yesterday fixing instruments. It was a long, busy day. I got a lot done but forgot some stuff too. Oh well. No one is perfect. I was able to resolve the big issues this morning. Still porn-free. And that is how I want to stay. My addict voice wonders if I can really go the rest of my life without looking at porn. All that I can accomplish is to not look at porn today. The rest of my life will take care of itself. I don't see the point of looking. What does it add to my life? Will my life be any better with the addition of porn? It wasn't before - what will change in the future to make it okay to look? Those are the thoughts I have to keep in mind when I consider "the rest of my life". I hope that you all have a good weekend - porn free and happy.
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Post by smart1 on Jul 2, 2007 9:06:53 GMT -5
Checking in after the weekend. I felt very stressed this weekend. I got some things done around the house but wanted to do more. I was having a hard time relaxing. I felt as though I should be doing something. Getting new tires for the car, something. I'm guessing it was a carry over from my stressful week at work. I've also been feeling like I should be making more money. I've looked into getting my MBA but only so that my salary will increase. I don't know anything at all about what kind of work I would be doing as an MBA. All I know is that having more money would be better. I have talked to my wife about this anxiety - because that's what it feels like - and she says that it's not coming from her. It's probably the normal worries of having two kids, thinking about paying for college, cars, home repairs, etc., etc., etc... The worries of a dad. It feels better to write it down. Still porn free. Still feels good.
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Post by smart1 on Jul 5, 2007 16:02:13 GMT -5
I am feeling good today. I had to come into work late last night. Our lab is the emergency response lab for a local utility. They had an emergency yesterday and needed the results last night. I came in at 10:30pm (after fireworks with the kids) and stayed until 1:30am. My addict voice was in full voice on the way in. In the old days that would have been a time that I would have looked at porn. But I didn't do it last night. (1) I was so busy - there wasn't time. (2) I don't do that anymore. So I'm happy with myself for staying clean when I could have very easily looked at porn. I get to go see "The Police" at Wrigley Field tonight. Should be lots of fun - once I figure out where to park!
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