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Post by smart1 on Jul 6, 2007 14:28:29 GMT -5
We received some bad news this morning. A friend of my wife's (and mine) died on July 4. She died of cancer. She was only 46. She left behind a husband and son. We are both very sad. She was my wife's best friend in middle school (grades 6 - 8) and high school. They drifted apart after high school but would occasionally reconnect. It has been a couple of years since she last spoke to her. My wife is very sad, as am I. Our friend was a very nice person. An event like this reinforces the fact that we don't know how much time we have on this planet. We all plan on living to be 100 years old but not everyone gets that much time. I know that I try to picture my sons as grown men with families of their own. I want to be there to see it all happen. My parents are both in their 80's. Is that enough time? I'm very selfish. I want them (and me) to live forever. There is nothing I can do about it though. At some point in time all of us will be dead. I realize that death is the last part of life but it is an abstract idea most days. How else could we get up and go to work every day if we didn't put it out of our heads the inevitable destination for all of us? I'm trying to focus on the happy times with my friend. Right now I'm feeling sad that she is dead and I'll never get another chance to talk to her.
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Post by smart1 on Jul 11, 2007 8:30:23 GMT -5
Checking in today. Haven't written in a while. I spoke with a couple of friends this past weekend. I don't want to repeat the mistake of not keeping in contact with people that I like. My life can get busy but I don't want it to be too busy for friends. It felt good to talk to them. Work has been crummy lately. I had to come in on July 4 (a holiday) from 10:30pm until 1:30am. Then, two nights ago I got called at midnight because a sink overflowed and flooded two labs. Then I was here yesterday for 12 hours. I'm good at what I do but am tired of all the extra time and no extra pay. I am a salaried worker - not hourly. I have been looking for something better for a long time but haven't found anything. It's very frustrating. I try to focus on my home life but I spend 50 hours a week at work. I'm just tired of it all. I try to be positive and have a good attitude but it has been difficult lately. But, here is one positive - I haven't viewed porn. Not at all. Not even once. I've been tempted. Last night I heard the voice - I had 15 minutes to wait for an analysis to finish with no other work around. I ignored the voice and found something else to do. The time went by quickly and I didn't have to feel guilty about looking at porn. That makes me feel good. Well, I am at work so I should do some work! I will not look at porn today.
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Post by smart1 on Jul 16, 2007 8:45:03 GMT -5
4 Months Sober!!! I have been sober since March 16, 2007. I am feeling good this morning. I still occasionally hear the voice but I've been able to stop myself from surfing and destroying my sobriety. I have been working a lot of late hours lately - even then I don't surf. I am very happy with myself. Some days it is a struggle. But, it is a struggle that I am currently winning. Five days until the final Harry Potter book arrives on the shelves!! I can't wait. I admit it. I LOVE the Harry Potter books. Just another stupid muggle is all. Have a good day. I will not look at porn today!
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Post by smart1 on Jul 17, 2007 8:52:13 GMT -5
Wow! I used a lot of emoticons yesterday!
My addict voice spoke with me this morning. "Hasn't it been long enough??" That actually made me smile. I think it was because I've been thinking about what it will be like when it has been one year into my recovery. My addict brain interpreted that as meaning that there was a finish line and that there would be a time when I was done with this recovery and could get back to looking at porn. Nice. I remembered this morning that I have to keep my focus on today. Today I will not look at porn. Today.
Still tired. One of my sons had nightmares last night so he came and slept in our bed. I went to sleep in his bed. I didn't sleep well. Yesterday was another stress filled day. One of our clients is making a lot of demands on our time and wanting answers and results today. And, I ended up staying late again last night. I am getting VERY tired of all the extra hours. I continue to look for something better but haven't found anything yet.
Well, I have lots to get done today. I need to get to it!
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Post by smart1 on Jul 20, 2007 9:46:04 GMT -5
Checking in again. Mostly thinking about Harry Potter today. I will buy the book tomorrow morning and then start reading. Tomorrow is also our block party so I won't be able to spend all day reading the book. I'm very excited about getting to see how the story ends. I have my theories but I want to read how she decides to finish the story. The only thing that I know for certain is that the last word of the book is "scar".
Work is still going. I am getting things accomplished but my heart is not in it lately. I am taking a couple of days off in early August. It can't get here fast enough for my liking. I am considering pursuing an MBA. I don't know a whole lot about what they do but several friends got theirs and are now making a whole lot more money. Right now in my life money=security. I know that it is not true but that's how I feel. I have been at my current job for almost seven years. I have been looking for something better for more than half of that time. I get an average of 2 interviews per year. I've decided that further education is what I need to move up and away.
I'm also feeling tired and grumpy today. My wife woke up with a bladder infection. She is on her way to the doctor for antibiotics. It's a gorgeous day outside today but I am at work. I should go for a walk at lunch.
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Post by smart1 on Jul 30, 2007 13:28:07 GMT -5
I haven't written in a while. I've been reading a lot of the posts in the other areas of the site. I occasionally respond but mostly just read. I am doing well with my recovery. I still get a short desire to look at porn. But I don't. I have had a couple of times when it was a deeper desire. I didn't write here then because I had decided to not go online during those episodes. It only lasted a couple of minutes and then it passed. It's the usual, for now, litany: Hasn't it been long enough? and the old faithful: Who does it really hurt? It will only be for a minute. It's interesting to me that the thought of having to start counting days again just depresses me! That thought alone sets me off to where I don't want to slip. Besides the fact that I've promised myself and my wife that I would no longer look at porn. Oh yeah, that! I did finish the last Harry Potter book. I stayed up until 1:30am Monday finishing the book. I HAD to know how it would end. I knew that I would just lay in bed wondering what happened - so I stayed awake and finished it. I really enjoyed it. I was glad that Voldemort was killed. No chance of rebirth. Harry and Ginny lived happily ever after! Just like in real life! Just for today I will not look at porn!
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Post by smart1 on Aug 8, 2007 8:57:13 GMT -5
Checking in. I returned Sunday night from a short vacation for my family reunion. It was a lot of fun. All my brothers and sisters were there and almost all of my nieces and nephews too! Plus the usual assortment of aunts, uncles, cousins, second-cousins and so forth. Played golf, went swimming, sang karaoke and talked a lot. Very enjoyable.
It made it very difficult to show up at work yesterday. And today. I continue to look but have had no luck in finding something new. But I will continue to look. I know that I am not the only one looking at this company. I would guess that the majority of people here are looking for something better.
As far as porn viewing...I am still sober. My addict voice has been somewhat quiet lately. That's nice. I don't feel as though I have to white knuckle my way through any situations. I get the occasional "why not?" addict speak but nothing difficult to ignore. I am very happy that I found this place. It has helped tremendously in my battle to remain sober. I read here almost every day. That helps also. I don't usually respond. Other people here are much more eloquent than I am. And other people seem to have a better understanding of addiction and psychology than I do. I let them have their say.
Well, back to work. One of my analysts called in sick today. I'll have to cover for him for a while. Yippee!!
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Post by smart1 on Aug 9, 2007 8:35:53 GMT -5
I had a small slip yesterday. I clicked on a link that I knew would send me to a lingerie site. And I looked and lingered and ogled. Not what I should have done. I was upset about my job and feeling bummed anyway. I realize that it is not an excuse but there I was. I stayed for maybe 2 minutes and then turned off the internet. My addict voice was screaming to go someplace else. "You've already slipped. Let's REALLY go to town now!" I ignored that request - hard as it was to do that. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up about this. It is what it is and I have to be more diligent about my recovery. I guess that I was feeling pretty good about myself and very confident in my ability to handle any temptation. I now know that I was not correct. I am still addicted to porn. I could have easily gone on a bender yesterday. The site I was contemplating going to would have kept me busy for several hours. And I knew that I would feel awful while I was doing it and truly despicable when I went home. I don't feel great but I don't feel as though I've plunged back into the addiction. I have an audit at work today and tomorrow. That is adding to the stress in my life. I have been good for nearly 5 months in finding alternatives to porn when I am feeling stressed. I have to redouble my efforts. Just for today - I will not look at porn!
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Post by smart1 on Aug 14, 2007 9:06:21 GMT -5
I thought that I should check in today. My addict voice is talking a lot this morning. It's always the same old crap. "Just for a couple of minutes." "Wouldn't it be nice." "What's the harm?" Like I said - the usual crap. Today I actually considered doing it. Going to the sites. Looking. Ogling. Porning. Really thought about it. Tried to convince myself that it would be okay. Tried to convince myself that I am no longer addicted. It was just an obsession - now it's over. When I'm out in public I still have to remind myself to raise my focus. I still tend to focus my attention on a woman's body and not her face. I've found that if I focus on her face I feel much better about myself and the world. That allows me to go to the pool without drooling or ogling. When I am at the pool I focus all my attention on my two boys. Now that they are older and I don't have to watch them every second, I take off my glasses so I can see clearly. That REALLY helps. I am feeling better now. I know that I need to stay alert to the symptoms and stay diligent in my recovery. It has only been 5 months (nearly). Not a long time. Writing here alway helps me blow up the addict speak. Back to work.
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Post by smart1 on Aug 17, 2007 8:23:14 GMT -5
5 Months Sober!! It's hard for me to believe. I look back on all the posts and am amazed that I have stayed sober for this long. My addict voice has been BEGGING for me to give up this "stupid, pointless" endeavor. But, I have remained sober. I have considered giving in but then stop and ask myself "And then what? Are you that desperate to see a woman naked? Or even in a bikini? And then what? What does that do for you? Will it make you happy? Will it make your life better? Get back to work. Go for a walk. You don't need this crap! You are better than that." I also remember that I have promised myself and promised my wife that I would no longer do this. That I will no longer look at porn! So, here I am, 5 months sober. And, just for today - I will not look at porn!
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Post by lamaboy on Aug 26, 2007 11:06:54 GMT -5
Hey Smart1,
Congratulations on 5 months! You're doing great!
It's good to read your posts about what the addict mind is saying, and to see that you recognize it for what it is.
So instead of acting out, tell us about your struggles.
I'm finally back here after a long absence. It's nice to see that you are still around and still sober.
- B
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Post by smart1 on Aug 29, 2007 8:42:56 GMT -5
Thanks for the words of encouragement Bogey. I'm glad to see that you are back. I hope that you are doing well. I'll go and read your journal. I've been considering trying to go back to my old job. The company is advertising for my old position and I want to apply but haven't - yet! I spoke with one of the senior managers and she recommended that I apply. She told me to call the manager of that department (whom I know) and let her know that I am interested. The benefits are much better than where I am know, more time off, better health and dental coverage. Still, I am wary. That is the company that fired me for looking at porn. (Actually, they allowed me to "quit" instead of getting fired with cause.) I have had many dreams over the past 7 years about how "wonderful" it would be to return to work there. It would mean that I'm not really such a bad person after all. In my dreams I am very happy to be there - in real life I am very anxious to even apply. There are still many people there who remember what I did. I don't need to be reminded of that every day! I tell myself that I am going to apply and see what happens but I haven't done it yet. Just scared I suppose. Plus, I don't even know if they would let me go back. Maybe I have "do not rehire" stamped on my personnel file. I don't know. I have so many good memories of that place and the benefits are much better...I feel as though I'm trying to convince myself to do it. I shouldn't have to force myself to want to take a new (old) job. It does help to write down all of these feelings and thoughts but I haven't decided anything yet. I am leaning towards applying. That company will pay for additional schooling (I'm considering getting an MBA) and my current company will not. Still undecided. I will call the department manager today. I've called a couple of times already but I never leave a message. My recovery continues. I have not acted out in more than 5 months. Some days it seems like a long time and other days it feels like a week. I just continue to take it one day at a time.
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Post by lamaboy on Aug 30, 2007 21:25:52 GMT -5
Hey Smart1,
The job sounds exciting.
Let's review: Pro The benefits are much better more time off, better health and dental coverage. will pay for additional schooling
Cons: Have to face people who know that you got fired for using porn.
It could be really good for you and your recovery. You can look them in the eye and say that you got fired for using porn but you don't do it anymore. You're in recovery, and doing great.
The reality is that most of the men probably look at porn, maybe even at work, but just haven't gotten caught. They wouldn't think badly of you. They would think - that could have been me.
The person who cleans up his act and is successful is always a great story. Movies are built around that idea. Most people want to see this happen. You could play that role and be an example to others.
Yeah, it's scary. The worst part would be the beginning. Then things would settle into the regular routine. I say go for it!
- B
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Post by smart1 on Sept 10, 2007 9:45:28 GMT -5
Bogey - thanks for the words of encouragement. There are currently no openings at the company but I have let them know that I am interested. I just got off the phone with a headhunter. He let me know about an interesting position - but it involves 50% travel. That is not something that I want to do. I prefer spending time with my family over making money. I would like to make more money but I don't want to short change my life with my family to do it.
My parents and my sister visited this past weekend. I got to have two nice, long discussions with my sister about life and all that. She didn't realize that the reason that I had gotten fired was because of looking at porn while at work. She told me that her son (16 years old) looks at a lot of porn and she would like him to stop. I told her about my addiction and gave her some ideas about porn filters and how porn messes up your life. She told me about a friend of her daughter that is getting counseling for porn addiction. His story sounds like so many stories I've read here. It is good that he is getting help and is getting support from his wife in his recovery.
I had a strange dream this morning that I had to spend the night in jail. I don't remember what I had done to get this sentence but there was a group of us in one room and we had to stay there all night. We went as a group to the cafeteria but I got turned around and ended up in the general prison population and felt very scared. I tried to find my way back to the holding room but couldn't find my way - nothing looked familiar. Then I woke up. Strange that I don't remember what I did to get sentenced to spend a night in jail.
That's enough for this morning. I need to get back to work.
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Post by Ian06 on Sept 10, 2007 13:48:21 GMT -5
Hey Smart1
Just wanted to tell you that I liked your response/reply in the "Long Streak" thread on the General Board. It was good to read, and I could relate very much.
I also was able to take some time to read the last page of your journal. I'd like to come back and read some more.
Take care.
Ian06
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