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Post by smart1 on Mar 22, 2007 12:09:49 GMT -5
I thought that I would start my own journal. I can add to it on a daily basis and work through some temptations and issues. Today is Day 6. Thursday, March 22, 2007 I thought today would be a tough day. I could hear the little voice this morning saying "Who does it hurt? Just 15 minutes. See if there is anything new posted." I spoke back to the voice and told him, "It hurts me and everyone in my family. I don't like who I am when I am viewing. I have to hide parts of myself and my day. I shut down and am miserable." Then I remembered two thing I recently read: "It's only anxiety, it's nothing to worry about!" and "A little pain never hurt anybody." Those thoughts brought a smile to my face. So, here I am, half way through the day and doing well. Only a couple more hours before I go home. Feeling good on Day 6.
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Post by paguy724 on Mar 22, 2007 12:50:15 GMT -5
Hey, I am on Day one . Look forward too reading your journal !
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Post by smart1 on Mar 23, 2007 8:09:39 GMT -5
Day 7. It's always most difficult when I don't know exactly what I'm going to be doing at work. It's a rainy Friday. A "perfect" day to relax and surf. But, I'm not going to do that. It would be sooooooo easy but I would feel awful afterwards. So - NO. I keep thinking of the lyrics in David Bowie's song "Ashes to Ashes": "Time and again I tell myself I'll stay clean tonight." If he can kick cocaine I can kick this. If my brother and dad can quit smoking I can quit this. I needed this outlet. Thanks for being here. Later on Day 7. Things are going well. I'm in a good mood but extremely tempted. The little voice keeps saying "What better way to enhance your good mood???" I know better than the little voice. But it sure is tempting...I just need to keep moving this afternoon. I will be okay but Day 7 is tough! Thanks for listening. End of Day 7. I made it! The voice was strong today but I was able to resist. Everyone have a good weekend. I'll be smiling all weekend!
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Post by smart1 on Mar 26, 2007 11:59:45 GMT -5
Day 10. I found out the my son (12) has viewed porn online again. My wife checks the history from time to time. He doesn't know how to clear the history (yet). It partially happened because my wife left herself logged on to the computer. She was out for a short while and he took advantage of the situation. This is the second time this month he has done this. Both times my wife has inadvertently left herself logged on. I don't blame her but we don't want to make it too easy for him to look. We will be installing better filtering software today so that it won't matter if she does that again. Also, only she will know the password so that I won't be able to view anything either. All of this talk about porn and internet usage has been a trigger for me. Also, I caught a glimpse of the Miss USA pageant on TV the other night. I truly did not know it was on. Of course I saw a part of the bathing suit competition. Just my luck. I quickly turned the channel. That being said, I have not slipped. I haven't even sat at the computer having to talk myself out of it. It's getting better. I'm just a little down today. My kids are off school this week and I'm very jealous. I would love to take a week off from work. I have been looking for a better job for a couple of years but there's not a lot of applicable jobs available. Plus, the A/C isn't working today and it is 85F in my office. Most uncomfortable. That should do it for now. I'll probably write more later.
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Post by smart1 on Mar 27, 2007 9:28:09 GMT -5
Day 11. Feeling bummed today. I found out last night that I'm no longer being considered for a job. They had initiated contact with me and I thought that was a good sign. In the end they decided that they wanted someone that was willing to move to their headquarters. It's half way across the country and I don't want to move. It sounded neat. I would have been able to work from home. It would have been nice to have been able to see my kids more often. Still, today is a new day. (blah, blah, blah!) The presentation I had planned for this morning at work was canceled at the last minute and rescheduled for Friday. Usually I would use these feelings of anger and disappointment as an excuse to look at porn. I've known for a long time that I use that to mask my true feelings and make myself feel "better" in the short term. My brain got used to that endorphin rush. I've noticed that a lot of PA's tell a bit of their life story. I suppose they are trying to get at the root cause of their addiction. I have had similar life experiences. I can vividly remember getting aroused looking at the bra ads in the Sears catalog! This is when I was about 4 years old. I was always asking the neighborhood girls to take down their pants. Even at age 6 or 7. None of them did! I remember wanting to be a doctor because they got to see women naked. It seems that my whole life has spun around wanting to see women naked. I also remember feeling very ashamed about my feelings. I realize that the addiction has a cyclical pattern. This journal is my attempt to break the cycle. That's enough for now. It really helped writing down all these memories this morning. Onward to a better Day 11.
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Post by smart1 on Mar 28, 2007 9:36:26 GMT -5
Day 12. Feeling much better today. I'm happy with myself. Yesterday I had to stay late at work. I was waiting for several analyses to finish (I'm a chemist) and I did not surf! Usually that is when I am most tempted. Just sitting and waiting. But, this time, I found worthwhile things to do to occupy my time and DID NOT SURF! Today is a rainy, gloomy day but I am feeling good. I just got off of the phone with a friend and we are planning to have lunch soon. Just keeping busy and feeling good about myself.
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Post by smart1 on Mar 29, 2007 9:18:45 GMT -5
Day 13. Wow. What a weird dream last night! I dreamt that I found a new porn website and was just getting ready to join but I just sat there contemplating clicking on the "join" button. Then, I realized that there were people looking over my shoulder. Some said "that looks good" and "I'd join" but I ended up shutting down the program and turning off the computer. I've never dreamt about surfing for porn before. Weird.
The last couple of days I've been thinking about all of this PA soooo much. Some times I think too much. But I'm starting to realize how much of my life I've kept closed off. I couldn't open up too much or I might reveal that I'm a PA. I realize how much my PA has kept me from being me. I think about all the things that I've done. All the magazines and videos purchased. All the clubs visited and strippers hired. I even got a "sensual" massage once. All things that I am embarrassed about and ashamed. That was the ironic thing about the internet. It kept me from doing all those other things because I had access to free porn. But, because it was free, I didn't think it hurt anyone to look. And there is sooo much. It's crazy how widespread it is, how many new sites open all the time.
I'm happy about being so close to 2 weeks without looking. Some days are harder than others. I realize how easy it would be to go back. But, I'm determined not to go back. I don't like who I am when I'm looking. I'm grateful that there is this site so that I can vent a little and get some advice and guidance. It's helpful to know that there are other people out there struggling with this addiction. It's nice to know that I'm not a unique freak!
There, I feel better now. Maybe I'll add more today.
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Post by smart1 on Mar 30, 2007 9:43:06 GMT -5
Day 14. 2 WEEKS!! Whoo hooo! I'm glad to have made it this far. It's something I've done in the past - many times - but still feels really good this time. I don't feel that I've quit cold turkey - even though I have. This forum has given me the strength to start looking at myself and asking "why" instead of just giving in to temptation. I've got a busy day ahead of me. I wanted to let everyone know that I am doing well. I may write more later.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 2, 2007 9:13:20 GMT -5
Day 17. Still going strong. I was tempted a couple of times over the weekend. I saw images on TV that enticed me but I was able to fight the urge. The voice was back saying "Let's celebrate by going to a couple of porn sites!" That's like an alcoholic saying "I'm going to celebrate being sober by having a glass of wine!" I've been enjoying being open with everyone and not having to hide any behavior. It allows me to sleep at night. I am having some strange dreams though...I'm completely naked in public but I don't care. In my dream the other night I caught a glimpse of my naked self in the window and thought - not too bad. I didn't think "Oh my goodness! I'm naked in public. I'd better cover up!" As I said - strange dreams. Another thing that is helping is that my wife has a renewed interest in sex. It is wonderful. I'm allowing myself to be open with her and she is being open with me. It's like being newlyweds again. It's stinking fantastic! So, instead of concerning myself with pseudo-sex (images) I am concerning myself with real sex with my wife. It's great. Thanks for reading.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 3, 2007 7:26:12 GMT -5
Day 18. Another dream last night about looking at porn online. In my dream I was online and the voice was telling me to "just look at some of the previews". I was able to resist in my dream. I'm feeling really anxious about it today. I'm usually good for 2-3 weeks before the desire gets to be really strong. Right on time. This time is going to be better. This time I will come here and write in my journal or read other journals to get inspiration to keep clean. I will not look at porn today!
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Post by iwanttoquit on Apr 3, 2007 7:57:43 GMT -5
"I will not look at porn today!" - excellent
I just read through your journal, and thought I'd say well done for your progress so far. The main thing is to not slip now the desire for P gets strong. As soon as you feel an urge/image in your mind coming you must get rid of it as quickly as possible before it has chance to force you into action
all the best
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Post by smart1 on Apr 3, 2007 14:19:31 GMT -5
Just a quick note to say that I DID NOT look at porn today! This gives me strength to combat the desire the next time it rears its head. Thanks for the words of encouragement iwanttoquit. I appreciate the comments. Now - off to get my teeth drilled!! Yippeee!
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Post by JohnG on Apr 3, 2007 15:16:56 GMT -5
Smart1,
I am glad to see that you are doing well. Keep your guard up as it still can hit you and hard. I have 81 days today and though in general it is easier that it was at 2 or 3 weeks I still get hit with a wave once in a while. I got hit by a big one (or several) last week when I had to drive over 3,000 km within a few days. The boredom gave my mind too much free time.
This thing is very very sneaky - it is lying low now waiting for me to let my guard down. It tries to lul me into thinking that just THINKING about naked women or p-like sex will not hurt me. And yet I know that it will. Fantasy always led to mb always led to P. For me anyway.
Good luck,
A new friend,
JohnG
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Post by smart1 on Apr 4, 2007 8:54:50 GMT -5
Day 19. It feels good to write that. Today I'm feeling better. The dark cloud has lifted a bit. I'm mostly sore this morning - I was at the dentist for 3 hours. Thanks for the words of encouragement JohnG. It's reassuring to know that I'm not going through this alone this time. I'm amazed at how much it helps. I was mostly clean in 2005 (at least in my memory) but relapsed in 2006. I started off this year well. I got through most of January before deciding - "who does it hurt?" As it turns out - everyone in my life. I was thinking about triggers last night because my wife likes to watch reality shows and last night there was a show about auditions for "The Pussycat Dolls". It appears to be a soft-porn all female singing group. I had to walk out of the room - it was too much! I always think that my voice come from what I call my "lizard brain". The primordial part of the brain that only cares about itself. The other thought I have is the line from a blues song "I always get in trouble when the little head does the thinking". I think it's Lonnie Brooks who sings it - I may be wrong. Well, I need to start doing what they pay me to do around here. I will not look at porn today! Later on Day 19. I am feeling good and keeping busy but that little voice is very insistent today to go and look. "Just a little" it begs. I'm keeping up my defenses but it is constantly chattering today. SHUT UP! Just needed to get that off of my chest! Back to work!
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Post by smart1 on Apr 6, 2007 9:26:10 GMT -5
Day 21!!! THREE WEEKS!!! Feeling good today. I was feeling a little glum this morning but I told myself that I didn't have time for that and to not think that way. So far it has worked. It's a nice, sunny, cold day here. It's payday at work and the company is springing for pizza for lunch. We have training at lunch. I have to give part of the presentation. Not a big thing! If everything goes according to plan today I will be leaving early to enjoy the day with my family. Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Happy Friday!
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