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Post by smart1 on May 11, 2007 8:44:58 GMT -5
Day 56! Eight weeks clean. Yea! I had a stressful moment yesterday. I was doing some routine cleaning on my PC and found a folder with some images in it. I immediately realized that they were probably porn and quickly deleted them (shift-delete bypasses the recycle bin and "deletes" them). Of course my addictive self wanted to look at them - one last time. No way. Not doing it. It was VERY tempting. In the matter of a few milliseconds my lizard brain try to rationalize that they were "found" objects. I hadn't gone looking for them, therefore it was okay to look. I don't listen to my lizard brain anymore. After that I did a search for all images on my hard drive but didn't find any more porn. That's good. Otherwise, my active recovery continues. I'm writing and reading here and also doing the recovery exercises on the Recovery Nation website. They have been helping me realize the basis of my actions. Plus I feel that it is taking some action in my recovery. Otherwise I'd be sitting around thinking I was doing okay because it's been x number of days. I've also been trying to push through my anxieties and do whatever it is that is scaring me. It always feels like fear to me. It's as though if I do what I want to do I will be reprimanded or unloved. Still looking for that approval. I still need that external validation. Still feel like I don't get it - even when I get lots of positive feedback. For some reason it never feels like it's enough. That was one of the great delusions about porn. The pictures were always "happy" to see me. The women would be smiling and I could imagine that they were smiling at me. I feel that I'm doing well on my recovery. I'm learning new things everyday. I am extremely happy to have made it 8 weeks without porn or masturbating. Cool!
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Post by smart1 on May 14, 2007 11:20:58 GMT -5
Day 59.
Doing okay. I still get an occasional inner request to "do something fun" on the internet but I ignore the request. I have been noticing that my sense of humor has returned. Also, I feel much more carefree. I believe that it is because I no longer expend a great deal of energy covering up for my porn addiction. I always had to be on guard so that I didn't spill the beans about what I was really doing at work. I keep telling myself that this is something that I have decided to do. No one is forcing me to do it. I want to do this. That thought process helps me get through the tough times.
That's it for now. I am very busy at work today.
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Post by smart1 on May 15, 2007 8:11:02 GMT -5
Day 60! I am happy to have reached a nice, round, artificial deadline! My long term goal is to NEVER porn again but I can only control today - not the next 50 years of my life. (knock on wood) Not much new to report today. Work has started to get very busy again. Summer is our busy time. Lots of dirt to dig and water to sample. I don't have overwhelming desires to get online lately. Just nagging little requests for "fun". But it's not fun. And I've worked too hard the last 60 days to give in to a stupid request. So, I continue to come here and write and read and learn. Here's looking forward to Day 61!
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Post by smart1 on May 17, 2007 9:38:46 GMT -5
Day 62. I got a new computer at work yesterday. I was very busy cleaning and shutting down my old computer. Our IT person also checked it before we sent it to be reconfigured. I was EXTREMELY anxious about that procedure! I thought that I had done a thorough job of cleaning any old files but I wasn't 100% certain. It all went well though. I suppose that I can settle down a little bit today. And, because I was so anxious yesterday, the voice was really working hard to get me to look at porn to "relax". I'll have to admit - it was difficult to not listen and give in. It made me realize how difficult this will be and how determined I have to be to not start again. I know that I can do it. I don't want to be that person ever again. Lots of stuff to do today. That's good - I'll be too busy to surf!
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Post by smart1 on May 18, 2007 10:50:50 GMT -5
Day 63! 9 Weeks! Another week clean. This feels great. The addictive part of my brain still requests "food" from time to time. It really is getting easier to ignore. Still busy at work. This is the last day for one of the analysts in my department. That means more work for me in the short term. We have interviews scheduled for today and Monday. I need to review more of the resumes that I have received to find other qualified people. We have a summer help person starting today. She is the niece of one of the owners. So far she seems genuine and I hope she will be a good worker. Looking forward to a nice weekend with my family. We are going to go see Spiderman 3 (mom and older son) and Shrek 3 (me and younger son). Mom has decided she doesn't want to see any more animated movies at the theatre. She can wait for them to be on DVD. Not much else going on. Continuing to be diligent and resourceful. I will not look at porn today!
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Post by lamaboy on May 19, 2007 10:42:38 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Just saying hi. Keep up the good work!
I'm interested in hearing more about how fear affects you. What can you do with the feelings of fear and anxiety? What makes the feelings go away, now that you can't use porn and masturbation?
- Bogey
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Post by smart1 on May 21, 2007 8:59:54 GMT -5
Getting my kicks - on Day 66! A nice weekend. I did not have to go into work. Always a nice bonus! It was a beautiful day Saturday. The boys played baseball (lost) and soccer (won) and I mowed the grass. Yesterday we all went to separate movies. Mom and older went to see Spiderman3 (mom thought it was boring) and me and younger went to see Shrek3 (both of us thought it was boring. At one point in the movie her turned to me and asked "When is this movie over?". I guess he had eaten all his candy! My wife and I also watched "Notes on a Scandal" on DVD Saturday night. It starts pretty slowly but gets interesting later on. What I took away from the movie was how familiar it all was to me. I haven't had sex with an underage student but I have hidden the fact that I continued to look at porn from my wife. She knows that I get tempted but she doesn't know to what extent I've given into temptation. It makes me feel horrible that I've lied to her for all these years. I know that I'm working on my recovery but it doesn't seem like it's enough. And, yes, I am very afraid to tell her about all of this. I don't want to lose her and the kids. I'm feeling pretty badly about my past behavior. I thought about broaching the subject several times yesterday but chickened out every time. It's going to be a huge scene and I don't like huge scenes! I don't think she's going to be happy that it's only been two months since my last porn incident. But that's all it's been. I feel better about myself since I've started my recovery but I know I have a long way to go. Bogey, you asked about how fear affects me. I'm starting to realize how much fear colors my life. It doesn't immobilize me but I expend a lot of energy trying to avoid the things that make me anxious, uncomfortable or scared. Like telling my wife about the porn. I read a book many years ago called "Feel the Fear and do it anyway." It helped me then. I have to check and see if I still have it. Bogey, your second question: What makes the feelings go away? Sometimes I eat. I have a jar of dry roasted peanuts in my desk. Munching on them takes away some of the nervous energy. I've been trying something new. If I'm stressing about a certain problem at work and I start to feel all anxious - I do a small part of the project. I get all worked up about not being perfect or smart enough or fast enough that I don't get anything done. I guess I'm trying to face my fears. My first response is to run away and get to a happy, safe place. So, there you go. Over two months into my recovery. Still no slips. No masturbation. Now I have to start working on the causes of my addiction and not just the symptoms.
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Post by smart1 on May 22, 2007 8:20:10 GMT -5
Day 67. Still doing well. No surfing since March 16. Still very busy at work. Still extremely frustrated by the executive management level at work. Still haven't told my wife about my recovery or this site. I call that progress!! I wanted to check in today because it always makes me feel better and helps keep me strong. But I have a lot of work to do and no time to do it. I will not look at porn today!
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Post by lamaboy on May 22, 2007 13:21:04 GMT -5
Hey Smart1,
I liked reading about fear and anxiety. I think I've heard of that book "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
I like your strategy of doing a part of the project.
I believe that this addiction is about avoiding feelings. If we can let ourselves feel whatever it is that is coming up, and deal with it in a more productive way, then we won't need to act out.
Besides fear and anxiety, what are the causes of your addiction?
Keep up the good work!
- B
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Post by smart1 on May 23, 2007 8:45:56 GMT -5
Day 68. Thanks for visiting Bogey. I appreciate your comments. Causes? Hmmm. I haven't come up with a cause yet. I have vivid memories of looking at the bra ads in the Sears catalog when I was very young (4 or 5) and get excited by them. Also, around that time I was trying to convince a neighbor girl to pull down her pants and "let me see". She didn't. Good for her. Since then I've always wanted (had) to see naked women. I started buying skin magazines when I was probably 14 or 15 and have just never stopped. I've thrown away several porn collections - including magazines, videos and data files. I would swear to myself that I was going to quit for certain this time but never did. A couple of years ago I went almost a year sober. But, then I decided I missed it and started surfing again. Now I've been sober for a little over two months. I remember having a discussion about addiction with a friend of mine many years ago. We both had smoked pot when we were younger but had stopped. We wondered about our friends that didn't (couldn't) stop and what was different about them. We had both smoked a lot of pot but were both able to stop easily. Why didn't we become addicted? I don't think that I ever truly believed that I was addicted to porn. Everyone has a vice - this is mine - was always my rationalization. That was until recently. I've finally started to be truthful with myself. I'm trying to look at my actions with open eyes. Frankly, I don't like what I see. I have been a very selfish man for a very long time. I've kept all these feelings and longings secret from my wife - in fact - I still do. I'm embarrassed about my own sexual urges and feelings. I can discuss sex in the abstract but shut down when I have to explain myself. I can feel the anxiety starting to build just thinking about all of this. I'm embarrassed that I find teen girls sexually attractive. That is my biggest secret. Have I ever acted on this desire other than to seek out images online? No. But still, it is not acceptable in our society. And could result in jail time if I were caught with the images on my PC. (I don't have any.) I agree with you about avoiding feelings. I've noticed that I'll walk out of the room if a TV show becomes too emotional. I prefer comedies or documentaries. Never dramas or police shows. I don't see the appeal. I can feel myself getting angry and anger is a "bad" emotion. Rationally, I know that it isn't but try telling that to my subconscious! I was always taught to walk away. "It takes two to argue" is what my mom always said. Words to live by. Therefore, I grew up not knowing how to express my anger. I suppose also that my emotions and feelings weren't validated as a kid. Instead of alcohol or drugs I choose porn as my emotional salve. This is all interesting (somewhat) to me. Does it help in my recovery? I don't know. I'm trying to express my emotions more. But I don't think that it's ever appropriate to get angry. Even though I feel angry or frustrated about something every day! This is all still a work in progress. I can talk to my wife about all this - she really does have some sound ideas about my emotions. She has been observing me for nearly 30 years! Thanks for replying to my journal and asking good questions. Your questions have really made me look a little bit harder at myself. Thanks.
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Post by lamaboy on May 23, 2007 10:18:24 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Interesting stuff you are writing about.
Speaking for myself, I believe if I could express all my emotions as they arise, I wouldn't feel the need to look at porn.
That's because it's not about sex - it's about numbing the feelings.
What do you mean, when you write: "I don't think that it's ever appropriate to get angry."
And then you say you feel angry or frustrated every day! Where does that anger go?
My belief is that it's usually not appropriate or wise to express anger at someone. But it's a good idea to be able to express that anger in another way. Hitting a pillow, or yelling where no one can hear you, or just complaining to a friend. Maybe doing a vigorous workout.
Holding it in doesn't work.
What do you think?
Also, what was going on in your life that you were sober for a year? Why were you able to be sober?
What would happen if you told your wife about your addiction?
I hope I'm not asking too many questions. It's good for me to think about this stuff myself, and a productive way of taking a break from my work.
You're doing well!
- Bogey
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Post by smart1 on May 24, 2007 8:55:46 GMT -5
Day 69. Well...I talked to my wife last night. I started by discussing the fact that I have trouble expressing anger. She agreed with me and then said something interesting: She said that she was glad because she can't handle it when I'm angry with her! She gets afraid when I start to yell. I told her it was probably because I do it so infrequently that it is a big shock. I then told her that I have an addiction to porn. She was not surprised at all. After all, I was fired from my last job for looking at porn. I told her about this site and other research that I've done in my recovery and she was very happy that I had changed my attitude about porn. It was such a relief to finally tell her. It wasn't a full blown, spill my guts discussion but it felt good to talk to her. She is the most important person in my life and I want to keep her in my life. I'm feeling lots of relief right now but also some remorse about not telling her that up until two months ago I was still looking at porn. I will tell her that if she asks. I will be honest with her. I did tell her that I don't look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit girls or anything else like that. She liked hearing that also. Back to the anger issue. I think that part of my reluctance to express my anger is that I've seen so many out of control people that I don't want to be one of them. The owner of the company where I work has a real problem with anger control. I've endured the brunt of several attacks over the years. It is the main reason that I want to leave this place. Those anger attacks are the worst I've ever been treated in my entire life. And I played high school football for an insane coach. I'm trying to show that I'm upset or angry without losing control and yelling and screaming. I'm also working on noticing when I am angry. As to where it goes? I suppress it. Plain and simple. Is it a healthy thing to do? No. But, up until now, that is how I've coped. So, every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better! I have to keep my sense of humor about all of this. It is all so very strange for me to think this much about my emotions. Well, back to work. Yippee!
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Post by lamaboy on May 24, 2007 14:18:06 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Congratulations on telling your wife! That's a huge step.
I think it may be good that you waited this many days to tell her. It's nice to be able to tell her that you've got some time and distance on the addictive behavior. It would be different if you came to her on day zero and said that you were out of control and needed help.
I think she will probably have more concerns and questions in the next few days, after the initial disclosure. Listen to her feelings.
Regarding anger - it sounds like you are afraid of it, in other people, but also in yourself. This can get in the way. It's just a feeling. You don't have to act on it, and you don't have to be mean to other people because of it.
If you can express it somehow, you will be better off.
Maybe you could even get your wife to pretend to be your boss. You could yell at her and rage and hit a pillow, and she could listen.
Maybe not.
But maybe someone else could do that for you?
I'll bet some other people on the board have some ideas about this, if you start a new post on the main board.
Good work!
- Bogey
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Post by smart1 on May 25, 2007 8:07:50 GMT -5
Day 70. I am looking forward to the three day weekend. I can't remember when I last had an extra day off from work. I really need a break. This place drives me nuts. It still amazes me that even though I've made all this progress I still get the urge to surf. I still hear the voice. It asked to get online again this morning - just for a little while. Amazing. I realize that it has only been 70 days but I had hoped those urges would be gone by now. I guess not. I don't have a lot to say today. I just want the day to pass quickly and quietly! Everyone have a great weekend and be safe driving.
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Post by smart1 on May 30, 2007 9:13:21 GMT -5
Day 75. Back from an extended holiday weekend. I stayed home yesterday with my son. His right eye was all bloodshot. We knew it wasn't pinkeye but didn't know what it was. I took him to the doctor and she said it was just irritated. No infection, no scratches. He probably got some dust or something in his eye and rubbed it really hard to get it out. So he is okay. The eye looks much better today. Feeling good about my recovery. I was tempted a little yesterday but just turned off the computer and did some work in my yard. I planted some tomato plants I got from my father. It's almost June now, I shouldn't have to worry about frost anymore. Lots of stuff to do at work today. I should get started but don't want to. Alright - here I go!
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