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Post by smart1 on Apr 9, 2007 9:00:02 GMT -5
Day 24. I had a nice, quiet Easter weekend. Spent a lot of time with the boys. My son had a practice baseball game on Saturday afternoon. It was 30 F outside! COOOOLD! Watched a couple of movies yesterday. All of a sudden - there were naked women! Whoops! It was a surprise to me. It didn't seem to be a trigger though. Maybe because I was sitting next to my wife at the time. I have noticed that the desire to surf seems to hit me hardest when I'm feeling down or sorry for myself. It's that old self esteem issue that all of us tend to have. On Friday I read some of the other journals. Some people are going through some tough times. I did a lot of that 7 years ago after I was fired. I was home all day with my family and every time my wife saw me it reminded her that I shouldn't be there and she would get pissed all over again! We both equate it to six months of intense therapy. I haven't told her about my recent transgressions. I consider it all the time and I honestly don't know what it will accomplish other than to piss her off and to not trust me anymore. I really would like to resolve this problem without having to drag her and me through all of that again. I feel bad enough already. I feel stupid enough already. Just the fact that I continued to surf even though I had been fired made me realize that surfing was more that a little problem for me. But I obviously did not want to quit. I really just wanted everyone to leave me alone and to not question me. Are these addictive thoughts? I don't know - I haven't researched addiction thought processes at all. I do know that I rationalized and compartmentalized a lot of my life. Right now I'm trying to clean out the PA compartment and close the door for good. I also realize that PA will be a part of my life from now on. It's up to me how big a part it will take. But today I'm happy that I'm at Day 24. It feels like it has been a lot longer but I'm happy to be here. This site has helped in that it is a safe place to put down my thoughts and get some help and support. Thanks everyone.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 10, 2007 8:31:35 GMT -5
Day 25. I am hearing the voice this morning. Loud and clear! My department is being audited today at work. We did poorly on the last audit and this is a follow up. I have checked and double checked and triple checked to be certain that everything is okay but I'm still worried. Feeling a little stressed out right now. That's probably why the voice is speaking so clearly. It wants me to not feel what I am feeling. "Dull that pain, soothe that anxiety! Just for a couple of minutes so that you can calm down. You deserve it. You've been good." All the usual crap. It feels good to write it down. Makes me think about it a little more clearly. And, I've started to calm down. Just when I think that it's getting easier or that I don't have THAT strong of an addiction - it hits hard. I feel confident about today! I may write more later. ;D
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Post by smart1 on Apr 11, 2007 9:29:04 GMT -5
Day 26. I've been reading some of the other recovery journals. It seems that people have it a lot worse than I do. But that's probably because my wife doesn't know how much porn I've looked at over the last 7 years when I wasn't supposed to be doing it at all. I know that at some point I will have to tell her what is going on and deal with the consequences. I don't want to do it but I will. I know it's the only way I'll get better. I've been wanting to tell her about this place. I want to tell her how much it has helped but I'd also have to tell her why I need so much help. I'm scared to tell her all of that. For now I will continue on this path. This has been very helpful. Whenever I get anxious or want a quick fix I come here and read. I used to think - "What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anyone. It's just a waste of time." Now I know differently. Being in denial doesn't help. I also used to think that I could look and have it not affect the rest of my life. That thought was always S**T. No way around that. Thanks to this site I'm seeing how destructive this addiction can be. I'm glad that so many people are trying to get better. I'm glad that I'm finally doing more than just trying to do this on my own. Thanks to all of you.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 12, 2007 9:12:30 GMT -5
Day 27. Oh, what a morning! My young son and his friend accidentally unplugged the sump pump in the basement of our house yesterday afternoon. So, this morning there was 2-3 inches of standing water in the basement!! Wonderful. I plugged in the pump and then had to throw out a lot of boxes that had gotten wet and then use the wet/dry vacuum to pick up the rest of the water. It took over an hour to do that. I was happy to make it out of the house by 8am so that I was only a little late for work. The audit at work went well. The only deficiencies in my department were because of the lack of follow through by our QA Director. The man is a pinhead. That's the nicest thing I can think of to call him. Idiot! And then, to top it off, he asked me to get him the paperwork that is "missing". I told him that it was somewhere in his office and that HE should find it. A colleague gave me proof that I signed the documents and handed it off to the pinhead. So, here I am at work, pissed off but not able to express it!!! This is when I used to say "I deserve to feel better." And I would spend an hour (or more) going to my favorite sites. Would it really make me feel better? No. I would just settle down and the anger would dissipate. But today - I'm writing in my journal. And expressing my anger here! Damn it!! What an idiot!! Last night I thought about all the things that I've done that I've never told my wife about. It might make me feel better to confess all the stupid, selfish, selfish, selfish things I've done but I don't know how it helps my wife. Do I do it just to make myself feel better in the short term - knowing that I could lose her and the kids with my honesty? Or do I keep it inside and change my behavior so that I don't do those things anymore?? Right now I'm leaning on the latter. Don't tell. But I need to change my behavior. That is why I'm here. I've "quit" a hundred times only to go back to it. The reason I would go back is because I enjoy looking at pictures of naked women. At least while I'm looking. And I didn't see the harm. Now I do so the harm. I've been reading the other recovery journals and some of the posts from the wifes and girlfriends. Wow! What an eye opener. It makes me want to apologize to my wife a thousand times. I'm not stopping for her or the kids. I'm stopping for me. I don't want to be that man anymore. As always, I feel better having written down my thoughts this morning. I have lots to do today. So I'd better get to it.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 13, 2007 8:31:41 GMT -5
Day 28!!! ;D ;D ;D I am happy with myself that I have completed 4 weeks without a slip. There have been times that I was extremely tempted but I did not give in. Of course I have long term goals but for now I am taking it one day at a time! My basement is all dry now but still smells of wet wood and cardboard. I will have a lot more cleaning to do this weekend. Really, not much on my mind this morning. Just happy that I've made it to Day 28 without a slip.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 16, 2007 9:05:10 GMT -5
Day 31. I had a nice weekend. My youngest son's soccer team one their first game 9-2. He's in 2nd grade. The other team was all very small. I was happy for him that his team won. Yesterday we finished cleaning the basement. It no longer stinks. Very nice. Also, my wife and I got to spend a lot of time together. I told her about my plan to be more active in our relationship and to not hold in my feelings. I also apologized for my porn usage that resulted in me getting fired. I still don't feel that it is necessary to tell her about my recent excursions. Maybe I'll feel differently the further I get in my recovery. For now I am comfortable with my decision. I bought myself a "reward" for going one month without a slip: The Beatles' "A Hard Days Night" DVD. It is a two DVD set with lots of additional footage and interviews. I haven't watched it yet but I am looking forward to doing that. I am feeling good about myself this morning. Happy Day 31.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 16, 2007 12:46:31 GMT -5
I just had a nice moment that reinforced why I am in recovery...
I did all my surfing at work. Therefore I was always nervous that I would be caught. Anyway, the IT head just came into my office and asked to "check some stuff" on my computer. It was soooooo nice to just get up and let him look! I didn't have to worry whether I had recently deleted my web history or if there were any pictures that he shouldn't see. It turns out he wanted to check some settings on my email account and that was it!
Nice and easy. Just as it should be! 31 days and counting.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 17, 2007 8:11:40 GMT -5
Day 32. I am feeling very sad for the families of the dead students at Virginia Tech. Such an incredible waste of human life. I realize that the right to bear arms is one of the Bill of Rights but it's too easy to purchase a gun. Guns make killing much too easy. This person had a predetermined plan. He chained and padlocked the exits so that no one could escape. Truly an extremely disturbed person.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 18, 2007 8:55:04 GMT -5
Day 33. Continuing on my recovery. I don't have a lot to say today. I have been diligent in realizing triggers. Even an article in the paper can trigger a fantasy. So I don't read any articles that would cause me to start fantasizing. Went to my oldest son's first track meet last night. He ran the 800 meters. He finished in the middle of the pack. Pretty far behind the leaders but he finished strong. He needs to learn how to pace himself. He also needs to build up some endurance. But, it's his first race. He'll get better. Although - seeing all those teenage girls in track uniforms was quite a test! It's easier to see them as people instead of objects when you see them in person. Well, back to work. At least the air conditioning is working today. It was 90 F in my office yesterday afternoon. I left early because I was feeling sick. Feeling better today. Work is always stressful...
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Post by smart1 on Apr 18, 2007 10:59:45 GMT -5
What the hell?? I was feeling really good this morning. I was getting lots of stuff done and here comes the voice telling me to look. I've been reading some of the other posts and learning more about myself and WHAM! I'm being severely tempted. Crap. So far I haven't done anything but now I know that I'll have to redouble my efforts and resolve today. I thought that expressing it would be helpful. Back to work. Shut up voice!!!
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Post by smart1 on Apr 19, 2007 8:15:37 GMT -5
Day 34. Feeling better today. I received a phone call from an old friend at lunch yesterday. That made me feel a whole lot better yesterday afternoon. Then I was very busy the rest of the day and went home. Happy Birthday to my son! He is 12 years old today! I am so happy for him and am truly enjoying watching him grow into a man. Happy Birthday!! Yesterday reminded me why I have to remain diligent. It would have been tooooo easy to slip. But, a slip for me is usually 2 hours of viewing. I don't want to do that ever again. Sometimes it makes me a little sad to think that I'll never go to those sites again. Then I realize that it is that kind of thinking that gets me to go back and look. The voice is very tricky and knows me very well. After all, the voice is me! I now tell me to shut up and get back to work. So - back to work!
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Post by dirtrider on Apr 19, 2007 8:30:00 GMT -5
smart1, just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your journal, and how much I appreciate your honesty and candidness. I find it inspirational. As PA's we are secretive, dishonest and devious - it is wonderful having this forum where one can be totally open and honest with no fear of reprisal nor of judgement - just understanding and support.
Interesting to hear you say you felt a twinge of sadness, knowing that those p sites are closed to you. I felt sadness this morning when I deleted my little stash of pictures off my PC, in some ways it's like losing an old friend. But we must remember, it's a 'friend' we are MUCH better off without. As they say in the classics: with friends like that, who needs enemies!
well done on achieving day 34! I've a ways to go yet before I reach that -- but I'm working on it ...
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Post by smart1 on Apr 19, 2007 16:03:42 GMT -5
I feel like I am slowly peeling away the layers of denial. The more I've read today the worse I've felt. I would love to be able to go back in time and change all of my behavior but I realize that I can only control how I act now. My old therapist used to tell me "It only hurts twice. Going in and coming out." I think that I am currently feeling the emotions that I've suppressed for all these years. I feel a lot of anger at myself today. I feel remorse, embarrassment and revulsion when I think of some of the sites I have visited over all these years. I looked at a lot of images out of "curiosity" but continued to look and seek out some truly disturbing images. I never acted out physically and really never wanted to but that's just a line in the sand. Maybe I would have crossed that line if I had continued down that path. I don't want to know. I don't want my PA to define me, I want to think that I'm not "that guy" but - I am. I don't like it. I hate it. I know that I'll be better on the other side of my recovery but today I feel horrible.
Thanks bikerider for the kind words. Congratulations on finding this site and the best of luck completing your recovery. This site has been EXTREMELY helpful to me these past 34 days.
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Post by smart1 on Apr 20, 2007 8:47:21 GMT -5
Day 35! I can't believe that it has been 5 weeks since I last looked. Amazing! Yesterday was a difficult day. I'm still dealing with all the bottled up emotions coming back but I'd rather do that then "medicate" them away with porn. It's a nice, sunny, warm day here. That helps a lot. I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I used to rationalize my behavior. Usually I rationalized that (1) it doesn't hurt anyone, (2) I deserve to do it because my job sucks, I'm tired, I don't want to do what I'm supposed to do, or just because I like it. I was also realizing (again) that when I was looking it was like being drunk. I had a hard time concentrating or relating to anyone immediately afterwards. And I spent a lot of mental energy making certain that I never said anything that would implicate me. It's amazing how much energy it takes to keep a secret. Especially for someone like me who LOVES to talk about myself!! But only if I look like the hero. Or if the story is funny. I love to tell a good story. There were times that I wanted to tell someone about a great site that I had found or about how pretty the women were on the site. I wanted a hobby that I could share with someone. Porn is not a hobby and it's not something that I would ever share with anyone. It feels good to get these thoughts out. Somehow, the process of writing them down moves them out of my head and out into the ether. It really feels good. Happy Friday! Happy Day 35!!!
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Post by smart1 on Apr 23, 2007 8:11:17 GMT -5
Day 38. I had a big test yesterday. I was called into work on a Sunday. Usually I use that as an excuse to surf. I use the rationalization of "this is my reward for coming in on my day off" or "this will teach those (expletive)s for calling me." Either one works. But not yesterday!! I had a lot to get done and I kept my focus on getting everything done. I ended up being at work for 5 hours but didn't go online once!! I am very proud of myself. And happy! Not surfing made it a lot easier to leave when it was time to go. It was spring again in Chicago this weekend. Lots of pretty women outside wearing shorts and t-shirts. It made me realize just how much I "check out" women as they walk down the street or go about their business. I'm trying to follow the 3 second rule and not stare. Sometimes it is very difficult. I agree with a lot of PAs here that the most innocent ads can be a trigger. Didn't look through any of the Sunday circulars. The voice was chiding me this weekend. "We can't even look at ads anymore???" That's right buddy. No more. No more. No more. Off to work. It's been a very long time since I've gone more than a month without a slip. Just for today, I will not look at porn!
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