smart1's journal

[dirtrider]

well done smart1, you have every right to feel pleased with yourself. You were confronted with a test ... and you passed it!

[smart1]

Day 39.

Just keep on trucking. Whoops! Showing my age there.

This morning I'm feeling very anxious. My least favorite meeting of the week is this morning. The meeting always seems like an excuse to beat up on the managers. As if we don't get enough of that already. The focus is on what we haven't gotten done - not what we've accomplished. But then, this is a very dysfunctional place to work. Lead by two very dysfunctional people. I've been trying for years to get out of here but I've not been able to find a better job during that time. Some times I get very anxious that I'll never find a different job. It's a very depressing thought. So - I HATE this meeting. I never feel good afterwards and am always happy when it is canceled. So - I'd better get ready for it!

Usually when I'm feeling anxious I look for something to calm me down. In the past that has meant surfing. Also I like to have something to munch. That usually gets rid of that anxious feeling in my gut. But this is helping. Writing down how I feel is definitely helping. And no additional calories! Anyway, there are some things that I have to do before the meeting so I'll get those done.

That's all for now.

[smart1]

I am thinking about this stuff WAY too much today. Mostly it is the double shame I feel in that I sought out images of young (13-15 yo) teen girls. I never acted out in any way but those are the images I preferred. All these posts about CP and such have really struck a nerve. I did not seek out images of prepubescent girls. I don't have any sexual feelings for them. I still like seeing images of older women (20-40) and still think that my wife is sexually attractive (47) but I feel a lot of shame about looking at those images.

Even when I was looking I would think - "If anyone else saw what I was looking at they would probably call the police." Even with those thoughts in my head I would continue to look. I would react just as if on a drug. I remember getting a "rush" and a sense of euphoria. The reaction was very strong and that is the response that I would seek. I wanted that "rush". I still do. But I've decided that I can live, and live well, without that "rush".

As always, I feel much better having written this but am still greatly ashamed.

Added: I really just want someone to say "Oh, that's not so bad. You're not a bad person. You shouldn't hate yourself. There, there, you poor boy." Wouldn't that be nice? (For about 5 seconds?) But then I'm not taking responsibility for my actions. That's why I'm here. To take responsibility and to stop my active PA. I will not look at porn today!

[smart1]

Day 40.

Happy to be here. The voice was talking this morning. "Just for a couple of minutes??? What will it hurt???" The frontal attack is easier to crush. I feel better about yesterday. It's all part of the process. I have to be honest with myself before I can proceed. So I am being honest with myself about who I am, what I've done and who I've hurt. Not an easy thing to do. But I do feel better.

Busy day at work so I'll write more later. (4/10 of the way to 100 days!)

[smart1]

Day 41.

Happy to be here. The voice was asking for a reward for being so "good" lately. Of course he wants porn. Just a little. Doesn't have to be nude. Just something for being so "good". HA!!! He gets NOTHING!!!

That makes me feel better. Another busy day at work. Better get to it.

[smart1]

Day 42.

Feeling very anxious/angry this morning. I don't have a specific reason why - just feeling anxious/angry. Already a stressful day at work. Several instruments aren't functional. A service person is on the way but still...just a crummy day so far. There were traffic lights out on the way to work, it's rainy and cold, and on and on and on. Cry me a river.

A day like today would be when I would reach out for "relief" and surf for something "enjoyable". But, I will not do that today.

Don't know what else to say. Lots of crap to take care of here at work. I should get to it.

I am happy that I've made it 6 weeks clean. For that I am truly happy!

[smart1]

Day 45!

Still going strong. No slips or relapses since March 16, 2007. It isn't always easy. Seeing all the pretty girls out and about this weekend was difficult at times. I'm just being more aware of where my eyes focus and not allowing myself to linger and stare. Plus, the bra and panty ads were calling out to me this weekend. I just remind myself that I am an addict and to beat this addiction I will need constant vigilance.

My wife pointed out a spot on the floor next to the bed that has had "mystery" wet spots. That is were I would drop the wash cloth after I would clean up after masturbating. I was too embarrassed to tell her that is what it was from. I just faked ignorance. I feel really bad about lying. I'm still so embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. I don't want to admit to myself or anyone else all the things that I've done. I just don't want to do it.

I will continue to be vigilant and to work on recovery. Still feeling stupid.

[smart1]

Day 46.

The more I read and think about my addiction, the more I realize that I've had it for a very long time. The internet just made it easy to go overboard and devote hours and hours to this addiction. I realize now that I've used porn to shield myself from getting too intimate with anyone. Especially my wife. Subconsciously I have been comparing her to my fantasies and she always has come up short. I deeply regret doing this. I also realized that whenever I was upset or angry with her I used porn to get some relief from my anxieties and anger. I wasn't comfortable expressing those emotions so I dulled them with porn. Like I said earlier - it's like peeling the layers off of an onion.

Coming to these realizations have helped me with my recovery. Whenever the voice calls to me I am able to hear it clearly and for what it is - a cry for help. A cry for love. Real love, not porn. I have resolved to continue to love my wife, to not blame her for not being perfect and to let her know when things are bothering me. I will try not to believe that I am "perfect" or to beat myself up when I fall short of "perfect".

This time it will work for me. This is my road to recovery.

[smart1]

Day 47.

Today is a good day. I feel that I made significant progress yesterday. I realized how much and for how long I've been using porn to numb the feeling of uncomfortable emotions. What started out as a simple curiosity of what girls look like naked morphed into an obsession and finally an addiction. That knowledge, coupled with the realization that I am in control of myself, has made me feel at peace with myself. I haven't felt this good in a very long time. I feel that I am free to be me again. Warts and all. Stupid jokes and all. Addiction to porn and all.

I made love with my wife last night and really focused on her and experiencing how wonderful it felt to be with her. It was great. I didn't fantasize about anyone else. I didn't let my thoughts wander. I was enjoying being with her. It was wonderful.

I will continue to write in my journal. I realize that I am far from fully recovered! But I feel good today. Yahoo!!

[smart1]

Day 48.

Happy to be here. I am still feeling good about myself today. Yesterday was a stressful day at work. I had to deal with the owner all day. He is a high maintenance person. He wears me down. His plans are always grandiose and tire me. It's never enough to accomplish a small goal, we always need to "conquer the world". I understand his reasoning to a point but then I just get tired of hearing about it.

Another nice evening with my family. The youngest son got himself grounded yesterday. He blatantly disobeyed his mom and mouthed off to her to boot. No "Simpsons" for a month. He suggested two months but we won't let it go that long. A month is enough.

Well, another fun day at work is here. At least we are getting a free lunch today. Yippee!!

[smart1]

Day 49!! Seven weeks clean!!

This past week has been a revelation to me. I realized that there will always be temptations. There will always be "triggers". I will always find women attractive, sexy and wonderful to look at and talk to. It's my reaction to all the outside stimuli that matters. I won't look at porn. I won't stare and "undress with my eyes". I will be a good, honest man, husband and father. It won't always be easy but it is worthwhile. I will convey to my two sons that they need to treat everyone with respect. That looking at porn is not respectful or necessary.

All in all, a good day. I just need a new job!

Here's looking at being half way to the 100 day goal and feeling great.

[smart1]

Day 52.

More than half way to the 100 day challenge. I'm still feeling pretty good about my progress. The "voice" visited me a couple of times this weekend but I recognized it and ignored it.

Actually, is was a great weekend. My older son had a great baseball game on Saturday morning. He had a big hit and ended up stealing home! He then caught a high pop up while playing third base. This is only his second year playing organized baseball. His team won their first game. All the boys were pretty happy to get a win under their belts.

After a celebratory lunch out for just us boys, I took my younger son to his soccer game and he scored two goals!! His team won 3-0. Both boys were pretty happy at that point but it only got better. My older son had a group of friends spend the night to celebrate his birthday. (He's 12.) They all stayed up very late (3am I turned off the lights) and had a great time playing GameCube, watching the 3 Stooges and generally being 12 year old boys.

The weather was nice but a little windy this past weekend. I'm looking forward to more nice days on the way.

I'm liking my new attitude about my porn addiction. I feel that it gives me strength. I realize that I am in charge, that I'm not a victim and that I decide how to respond to outside stimuli. A Victoria's Secret commercial came on this weekend while watching TV. My initial reaction was "Whoa, she is sooo pretty!" Then I decided that I didn't need or want that kind of stimulation so I changed the channel. Simple as that. Made me feel good to make that decision.

So, here I am. In it for the long haul but taking it day by day.

Happy to be here!

[smart1]

Day 53.

I was feeling pretty smug this morning. I thought that I had this all figured out. No problems for me. Smooth sailing. But, the voice is still there. Still asking to come out and play. Just for a little bit. 15 minutes tops. I've been thinking about panty ads! That's the entry point for me. Nothing harmful - so says the voice. But I didn't do it. I came here instead. I know that it hasn't been very long. I know that I shouldn't get complacent. So I came here instead.

I am feeling much better now. I know that I can beat this. I know who I want to be. I am actively working on my recovery. Keep active.

[smart1]

Day 54.

Feeling a little blue this morning. Just a general feeling of blah. Now that I don't avoid my emotions by looking at porn, I realizing how much I want a different job. The people are nice and all (isn't that what everyone says) but I'm tired of putting up with all the other crap. Maybe it's part and parcel of being a boss but I'm tired of it. I would like a two week vacation. Hell, I would like a one week vacation!! I haven't taken more than 5 consecutive days off (including weekends) in the 6 1/2 years I have worked here. We only get 10 days of vacation per year and it's just not enough. And they'll try to short me on my raise this year - again. Like I said - tired of it. Tired of having to deal with an emotionally unstable and intrusive ownership. Cheap (expletive)s.

It would be so easy to avoid dealing with this and look at pictures of pretty girls but I don't do that anymore. I want to experience all facets of my life not just the high points. So, I will not look at porn today. I will continue to do my job very well and not get fired - again.

I just realized that I've been porn-free since March 16. That means that I went the entire month of April without slipping. Amazing! I'm really happy for myself. I've not gone this long without porn in a long time. Good for me! There, now I feel better. I just had to remind myself about all that I've accomplished. And I am continuing to be active in my recovery. Let's get to it!

[smart1]

Day 55.

Just when I was feeling better yesterday, one of my analysts walked into my office and tendered his resignation. Damn! Now I have to find someone to take his place. That incident added to the normal stress level yesterday. I felt on edge the entire rest of the day. Besides the fact that I am extremely jealous of anyone who finds a better job than this and leaves. Wishing that it were me instead of him doesn't help.

Still remaining diligent in my recovery. Making it through each day as it comes. The voice still speaks to me on a daily basis. It is getting easier to ignore. I can't believe it has been almost 60 days. Quite an accomplishment for me. Especially because I had a hard time going one week back in February and March.

Back to the old grindstone!