|
Post by smart1 on May 31, 2007 9:01:43 GMT -5
Day 76.
Not a lot to say today. I've been feeling sad the last couple of days. I visited my aunt and uncle in the nursing home over the holiday weekend. It was great to see them but it was sad to see them both in a nursing home. My uncle (86) needs a walker to get around and sometimes has spells where he doesn't know where he is or who he is. My aunt (82) is in a wheelchair because she recently broke her hip. She has to wait until July to get her hip replacement surgery. They talk about going home but I don't know if they'll ever be able to do that. My mom said that they really need to go into an assisted care facility. It makes me sad to see them so dependent on others for help. But it makes me very, very sad to see them so close to the end of their lives. I realize that they could have many more years to come but it seems so close. I've had other aunts and uncles pass away but I am especially close with these two. I spent a lot of time at their house. Their son, my cousin, was my best friend growing up. I even went on vacations with them. I feel as though I am mourning them already and they are not even dead! It makes me realize how fragile life can be.
To whoever may be reading this: I hope that you and your family are well.
smart1
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 1, 2007 8:51:44 GMT -5
Day 77. Eleven weeks clean. It really feels good to know that I've gone this long without looking at any porn. I more easily recognize the urges when I get them and I am able to ignore them and do something else. I still notice the pretty girls but I'm trying not to stare AND I'm making a conscious effort to look at their FACES! That has really helped me see them as women instead of walking breasts! A good friend of mine is visiting from out of town this weekend. I haven't seen him in a year or more. It will be nice to see him and to catch up with what is going on in his life. Lots of baseball tomorrow. My son has two games. I hope they win at least one game. They've only won 2 games all year. It's been a tough year.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 4, 2007 9:30:27 GMT -5
Day 80. Feeling stressed out this morning. The air compressor at work has been down for almost a week. We have been using lots of cylinder gas to supplement our usual supply. They fixed it on Friday afternoon but the fix only lasted 4 hours. I came in on Saturday to install a cylinder but it only lasted for 30 minutes. This is all the crap that I dealt with when I walked in the door this morning at 8am. I am starting to relax a little and get my feet up underneath me. With all the stress came a small cry from my addict voice to calm down using porn. What struck me was how easy it was to dismiss this plea. I thought about for only a few seconds. I immediately decided that surfing would not ease my stress but it would undermine all the hard work I've done during my recovery. From reading some of the other posts I am getting into a potentially dangerous time of my recovery. The addict part of my brain is starting to realize that this isn't a respite but a very long term situation. The potential for slipping is greater now than earlier in my recovery. I will be even more diligent in my recovery to counteract this danger. My son's baseball team tied the first game and won the second game. He was named "Player of the Game" and received a coupon for a free ice cream cone. He had an RBI and scored two runs. Not a bad game. He says that he's going to go out for the track team next spring and not play baseball. We'll see what happens. I had a nice visit with my friend yesterday. We had a nice, quiet dinner at my house and sat and talked about our lives after dinner. He was feeling the jet lag so he left early in the evening. He's in town for a week's worth of meetings. It was great to see him again. That's all for now. I am feeling much better having written down all that I am feeling this morning.
|
|
|
Post by sawyer on Jun 4, 2007 9:58:06 GMT -5
It's funny you mention that you are at that dangerous time of recovery - I just covered that in a book I was reading and never thought of it.
From what I understand you may getting near that point where you are starting to be less than diligent in what keeps you sober, and rationalize a way to "test" your limits again.
Don't fall for it man, stay strong and be diligent!
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 5, 2007 9:55:31 GMT -5
Day 81. Thanks for the comment sawyer. I don't remember who posted the information but it reminded me to keep my eyes open and remain diligent. Glad to see that you are working on your recovery also. Usually I post here first and then read other posts. Today I did the opposite. I've been reading the increasingly vicious posts concerning the movie "Knocked Up". It made me think about alcoholics and porn addicts. Recovery alcoholics have to continue to live in a world where alcohol consumption is tolerated, celebrated and encouraged. I have to continue to live in a world where there is pornography, nudity in R rated movies, provocative images in magazines and beautiful women walking down the street. ALL of these things can be "triggers"...if I let them. It's still my choice whether to use that as an excuse to start viewing porn again. But I don't. So they aren't triggers for me. That doesn't mean I seek out this material. And when I do come across it, I flip the page, turn the channel, look away, whatever I have to do to keep myself from falling into old patterns of behavior. That's all for now. Back to work.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 6, 2007 13:16:50 GMT -5
Day 82. Very busy day at work. Finally finished with one project, starting on all the others! Did not sleep well last night. I woke up at 2:30am and had to pee. Also, my stomach was tense. I tried several relaxation techniques to try and get back to sleep but none worked. Eventually I went down to the kitchen and ate a banana to settle my stomach. I didn't feel overly stressed about any topic. Perhaps it was that I had a Coke with dinner. I don't usually drink soda. Maybe the caffeine was adversely affecting my sleep. Finally got back to sleep but woke up late (7am). Ended up being 15 minutes late for work. Not too bad. I am a boss so it doesn't really matter. Plus, I'm on salary. I don't get paid by the hour. So, who knows. Just a bad night of sleep. I thought about my addiction a lot yesterday. I feel that I continue to make progress and feel better about myself. But I don't feel like writing a lot today. A minor temptation this morning. They always happen when I'm feeling uncertain about what to do next. I ignore the temptation and start doing something physical to counteract the thoughts.
|
|
|
Post by lamaboy on Jun 7, 2007 7:31:12 GMT -5
hey smart1,
Don't get too riled up about glofishy, shattered bride, and the like. They have their own agenda, and aren't always able to listen very well to the thoughts of addicts, even addicts who are thinking clearly and soberly.
What's going on with your son and porn?
I thought you asked an interesting question - how does a 12 year old satisfy his curiousity about the female body, without looking at porn?
My ex girlfriend has a 5 year old girl, who was very curious about the adult male body. She wanted to see me naked! I didn't let her, which was a good decision.
I got a book from the library which had tasteful watercolors in anatomical detail. Maybe there is something like that out there.
Then there is also the nude beach or family sauna kind of situation.
It's tough to figure this out.
- b
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 7, 2007 13:50:30 GMT -5
Day 83. Bogey, thanks for the comments. My wife and I couldn't come up with an answer. I tried to think of any "tasteful" sites but couldn't think of any. Plus, that's not what I'm supposed to be doing - right? What's interesting to me is that I have a book titled "A Man's Body: An Owner's Manual". I bought it in the 70's when I was a teenager. There are drawings in there of naked women. The women are just standing, not doing anything. I thought about letting him read the book but also discovered that there were drawings of the different sex positions! (Probably why I bought the book in the first place!) I would prefer that he get the information in a good way - not a sleazy way - I think this book would be better than a porn site. Although - he has already seen several porn sites. He's twelve and thinks he's 16. It's something for further discussions with my wife. Today is the last day of school for my boys. They only went to school for one hour. Long enough to eat some donuts and get their report cards. Both did very well in school. That's good. Now it's a long, glorious summer ahead. Wish I could take three months off from work! Heard the voice again today. It wanted to do "something fun" on the internet! Wonder what that could be???
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 8, 2007 8:56:19 GMT -5
Day 84! 12 weeks clean! When I started this recovery I really didn't think that I'd make it this long. In the past I probably would have made it 3 weeks - not 3 months. Just this morning my addict voice was telling me "You're going to slip eventually...why don't you do it now and get it over with?" Sneaky little (expletive). I feel too good about my progress to start over now. For what? What would I gain by slipping? All I would do is feed the addiction. But I'm trying to starve the addiction. To eliminate the addiction. To destroy the addiction. Coming here and writing my thoughts has helped tremendously. I know that I'm not alone in my addiction. That gives me strength to continue on my recovery. Thanks to all of you for helping me with your comments and insights. I wouldn't have gotten this far without it. Actually, I was feeling pretty crappy until I realized that it has been 12 weeks without porn. But those crappy feelings are gone. I have lots of stuff to do this morning and I will get to it. But first I will check out the rest of the board and see how everyone else is doing.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 11, 2007 8:22:12 GMT -5
Day 87.
It feels good to check in. I usually take the weekend off from posting. I rarely get tempted or triggered at home. All my porn surfing has been at work - stupid, huh?? I didn't think about my addiction a lot over the weekend. I feel I am at a maintenance level. I am not getting complacent - just maintaining a porn free lifestyle. Not a lot to say today. I'll write more later if necessary.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 12, 2007 8:35:12 GMT -5
Day 88. It's amazing to me how this addiction can be so persistent. Yesterday I was in the middle of work and had a couple of minutes to breathe and the voice kicked in "You've got a couple of minutes to yourself. Let's have some fun!" I also heard "What'll it hurt?" "We haven't had any fun in a long time." Yuck!! The last couple of weeks I've had a recurring feeling of "blah". I feel depressed but don't know why. (?) Maybe it's another stage in my recovery. I've stopped going to RecoveryNation. Perhaps I should start going again. I like doing the exercises and reading about the different stages of recovery. I'll do that today.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 13, 2007 8:44:23 GMT -5
Day 89.
Doing well this morning. I have a fever blister on my upper lip and my big toe hurts but all in all, I'm doing okay. My son's baseball team lost their first playoff game last night 10-8. That means they are out of the playoffs. He had a decent game. A couple of hits and two RBI's. He also had a fielding error. This was only his second year playing organized baseball. He gets better with every game. He continues to want to play. He is eligible for one more year in this league. We will try to convince him to play one more year at least.
I get my baseball glove back today. My wife took it in to a local shoe repair shop that also does baseball glove repair. My glove is 40 years old. I got it when I was 7 or 8. It was the only left-handed glove in the shop. None of the fingers of the glove were connected when I sent it in. It's a Rawlings Brooks Robinson autographed glove. It will make a nice Father's Day gift! I would also consider it an early 100 days sober gift. I haven't gotten there yet but I have only 11 days to go. And I WILL get there!
The addict voice talks to me every day. It's not as loud as when I started this recovery. But it is still there. It reminds me to remain diligent. I read some more posts and then I need to get back to work.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 14, 2007 8:52:04 GMT -5
Day 90. Ten days to go for my 100 day challenge! I'm feeling pretty good this morning. My lip and toe still hurt but I'm doing alright. Weird dreams about work and travel last night. Too many scene changes to make any sense. I got my glove back from the repair shop last night. It looks great. It feels great. I did some more work on it to loosen up the finger holes and now it fits much better. Now all I need to do it oil it and it will be great. Perfect for playing catch with my sons. Still hearing the voice every day. Perhaps it is because I'm closing in on 100 days and part of my subconscious is thinking "Then I'll be done and can relax." My addict brain is encouraging that view. But it won't happen. One hundred days is just a nice number. After 100 days I'll stop counting. I don't think that it's necessary. I still need to be diligent and work on my recovery. That's it for now. I'll write more tomorrow.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 15, 2007 9:02:25 GMT -5
Day 91. Lucky 13 weeks sober. I had a close call this morning. I was in the grocery store and walked past the magazine rack. I glanced over and saw a magazine cover of an actress in a bathing suit. I lingered (ogled) longer than necessary. I realized that then immediately turned away and kept walking. My addict voice kept saying "See what we're missing!" Sh!t, this hard! As I said yesterday my addict voice has been working the edges - trying to get me to look again, surf again. And I WON'T DO IT!!! Damn, it makes me angry to have to fight this hard. I'm starting to realize that I've been on cruise control for a while. I forgot to work hard on my recovery. I went to RecoveryNation yesterday and started again from Stage 1. I will work through all the stages and continue on my recovery. Damn. Other news? I was trying out my newly rewoven baseball glove last night. I was playing catch with my 7 year old son. He was pitching and I was catching. I was in the catcher's crouched position and he threw one short. It bounced off of the sidewalk, went under my glove and smashed into my right testicle!! OUCH! I'd forgotten how much that hurts. We play catch with a hard ball. OUCH! It didn't swell or anything but it hurt a lot. Obviously, that was the end of playing catch for the night! Back to work and back to working on my recovery.
|
|
|
Post by smart1 on Jun 15, 2007 16:51:33 GMT -5
The addict voice is very strong today. I'm at work but waiting for some analyses to be done so that I can leave. This is the type of time when I used to surf. I guess that the addict hasn't been fed in a long time so it is starting to roar, possibly thinking that it won't be fed again. It won't. I felt like I should come here and write about it instead of trying to "white knuckle" the day away.
I do feel better. I am thankful that I have a great place like this to get help. Thanks.
|
|