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Post by lamaboy on Sept 10, 2007 14:57:01 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Really interesting about your discussion with your sister. It sounds like a positive experience for both of you.
I haven't told anyone in my family about porn stuff. I almost told my brother a couple times, but didn't. I talked to him about porn in relation to his son, my nephew. I suggested a filter. But my brother wasn't interested. So that was that.
Good luck on the job stuff! If you keep working on it, you'll find the right position for you.
Congratulations on telling your old job you are available. I think it's worth pushing against your fears in this area.
- B
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Post by smart1 on Sept 12, 2007 8:43:51 GMT -5
Hey Bogey, I agree with you about "pushing against your fears" in regards to my former place of employment. It was nice to hear that there are people there who would welcome me back. I don't feel quite so dirty. That whole episode was like having to stand naked with an erection in front of the entire company! Completely embarrassing and humiliating. I've had many very detailed dreams that I was working there again. In my dreams I am always happy that I made it back. It feels as though I've won - that I'm not as bad as everyone thinks. I haven't gone out of my way to discuss my porn addiction with my brothers and sisters. Only if they bring up the subject do I discuss it. I try to be totally honest about my addiction and my experiences. All of my brothers and sisters know that I was fired because of porn usage at work. On my recovery side - I still get very tempted to go back to one of my old favorite porn sites. I had a password there and my addict brain wants to see if the password still works. (It wasn't my password but someone else's.) I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I really enjoyed geoff's post about "the inner child". That really struck a note with me. I guess that I am still surprised that I get tempted to return to porn. I thought (naively) that after a while the temptations would go away. They have not. Next week will be 6 months clean for me. I don't want to give in to temptation when I have done so well up until now. It's just been bugging me lately. I have not given in to the temptation but, I'll admit, my fingers were itching to type in the address!! I just remembered that I had a dream last night that I was looking at porn sites! Weird. I woke this morning with an erection because of the dream. I'm guessing that this is all part of the process of getting clean and staying clean. Some days are going to be more difficult than others. That's enough talking for this morning. I'll read some posts and then get back to work.
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Post by lamaboy on Sept 12, 2007 9:33:36 GMT -5
Hi Smart1,
You said: "It feels as though I've won - that I'm not as bad as everyone thinks."
I think that's a huge step in the recovery process. But it's not "everyone," it's you! You're not as bad as YOU think.
Sorry to hear temptations are still plagueing you. What are the feelings you have before you want to type in the address? If you can deal with (accept) those feelings directly, you won't need to run away from them into porn.
Keep going to get to 6 months! I'm trying to make it to 1 month!
- B
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Post by smart1 on Sept 14, 2007 9:10:32 GMT -5
I had to stop and consider your question. Usually I am at a dead spot at work. In between tasks and am looking for something "fun" to do - instead of work. It hits hardest at the times when I used to act out - just after lunch, about 3pm, the last half hour of the day. It's as though there is a certain craving in my brain - it wants a particular type of stimulation. I suppose that is the endorphin rush I used to get from viewing porn. It is like having an itch that needs to be scratched. I know that scratching the itch won't make it go away - it will only make it itch more! So I don't scratch. I've been learning a lot from other posters concerning not fighting the urge but ignoring it. That has helped. Yesterday was a much better day - very minimal temptations.
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Post by Ian06 on Sept 16, 2007 12:44:18 GMT -5
Hey Smart1
Just letting you know that I've started following your journal. It's been good for me reading about your own journey, your recovery, and what you are doing to take care of yourself.
Congratulations on your sober time.
Take care.
Ian06
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Post by smart1 on Sept 17, 2007 9:02:52 GMT -5
SIX MONTHS SOBER!!! I'm very happy that I have made it this long without looking at porn! It hasn't always been easy but I am happy with myself for staying with my recovery and working on my recovery every day. The part I find most enjoyable is that I no longer have to worry if someone uses my computer! I don't have to worry if I've deleted all the saved files or not. Or deleted my browsing history. It is such a relief. In the past (last year) I would have "rewarded" myself with a nice dose of porn! I will not do that now. I'll enjoy the fact that I've been able to stay sober for so long. My next goal is 200 days - that coincides with my birthday! Such a nice birthday gift to myself. I will not look at porn today! Welcome Ian06.
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Post by Ian06 on Sept 17, 2007 14:28:23 GMT -5
Congratulations Smart1.
That is really a wonderful achievement.
Ian
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Post by smart1 on Oct 2, 2007 8:52:54 GMT -5
;D ;D Happy Birthday to me!! 200 Days Clean!!I am happy to have made it 200 days without viewing porn. I've had some tough days. Some days I've felt melancholy and wanted a "pick me up" but I didn't give in to the temptation. I've been feeling blue lately but I haven't had a strong desire to view porn. This is a wonderful situation! I remember days that I found it difficult to go one hour without looking - now I've gone 200 days. While I may not post here a lot, I do read a lot of the entries and have learned a lot about this addiction and how to recovery from it. Thanks to all of you who read my journal or have written to me. My life is better without porn. I wonder what I got for presents...
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Post by smart1 on Oct 5, 2007 13:52:42 GMT -5
Feeling a little blue today - and for this whole week - so I thought I would write down the things that are bothering me and see what is really there - if anything at all... This past Tuesday was my birthday. I turned 47. Not the worst thing in the world but not overly happy about it either. We didn't do anything to celebrate my birthday on my actual birth day. My older son had football practice until 6:30 and by the time we got home it was too late to go out for dinner. I said that it was okay to delay the celebration until the next day but secretly wished that someone would make a big deal out of it being my birthday. Even when we did go out - the next day - the rest of the family wanted to get home to watch a TV show! So, once the program was over, they all came out to watch me open my presents and cards. No cake, no singing Happy Birthday, kind of blah for me. Nice presents - a Bears long-sleeve shirt, a Cubs t-shirt and a Beatles photo book. I have to tell my wife not to buy me any more Beatles stuff. I like it but it feels pathetic to still "worship" a band that broke up nearly 40 years ago! And who only have two members still alive. While I was typing this I heard the song "Bed" by "They Might Be Giants" on my iPod. That song made me smile. My younger son just started listening to that CD and we sang along to that song last night when he was getting ready to go to bed. I like having a nice ritual to do with the boys before they go to sleep. I used to ask about their days but the younger one decided he didn't want to do it. Now I ask him if anything nice happened to him that day and pretend to get angry if something nice did happen! He thinks he's putting one over on me by making me "mad". I LOVE IT! I guess that I've been feeling blah and didn't have any one thing to pin it on. I have been reading some of the recovery journals here - especially JohnG's. There are so many injured people here. So many that have been physically and emotionally abused as children. I feel that their problems and addictions are much worse than mine. My addict voice tries to use that as an excuse to act out. "See, you're not really addicted - these guys are - but you're not. What's the harm in looking at a few pictures of pretty girls." Today I looked at about a dozen cheerleader pictures on the Sports Illustrated website. I didn't ogle too much but I didn't look away either. After looking at a few I shut down the browser. I don't need to challenge myself to see how much temptation I can withstand. I do feel better having written all of this. I feel good about my recovery. I am happy that it has been more than six months. Every day I don't succumb to temptation is another good day. Now if somehow the Cubs can win 3 straight and the Bears can win 8 more games and make the playoffs. I can't believe how much the Bears suck this year!! I turned off the game last week in second half and spent the afternoon with my wife. I liked that much better than sitting inside on a nice, sunny autumn day watching TV. My old company is advertising my old position. I sent an email to the department manager and said that I want to be considered for the position. We'll see what happens. I would love to get an interview and see some old friends. If the situation was right I would seriously consider going back. I would put up with the jokes about my previous behavior - it would be worth it. That should do it for now. I really should do some work this afternoon...
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Post by smart1 on Oct 8, 2007 8:55:49 GMT -5
Interesting weekend... Sports: Both of the teams on which my sons play won on Saturday. The Cubs lost and are out of the playoffs. Illinois beat Wisconsin. And the BEARS beat the (expletive) packers!!!! That makes me happy - and relieved! I'm not a crazy person about football (or any sport) but I can't stand the packers. or the cowboys. or the 49ers. I usually root for the underdog in games not involving the Bears. Job Search: I spoke with a senior manager at my old company about their job opening. She thinks that I would be a good fit and that my "issue" would not be a problem. My "issue" is my "excessive personal use of the internet" that got me fired from there nearly 8 years ago. Actually, I was not fired - I was allowed to resign - for "personal reasons". I need to call the hiring manager (who I know) this week to let him know that I am interested in the position. It looks very promising but I'm not holding my breath. I have spoken to no one from HR. They may not want me back. Should be interesting. Of course I'm freaking out about this! I worry about what other people will say - and how people will respond to me. So far everyone has been very pleasant. I want to prove to them, and to myself, that my porn addiction does not define me. I have changed. I am a better person, a stronger person, than I was 8 years ago. Careerwise I am concerned that this will look like a step back. But, you know what? I don't care if I'm the boss! Now I know that I can do it. I'm not afraid of failing. Still freaks me out. That is why I want to interview. To see if it is how I remember it being. Do I have a realistic view of the place and my potential spot in it. The benefits there are better than where I am currently working. And the hours are better. In my head I imagine that it will be like a vacation compared to this place! I know that is incorrect but that is how I imagine it. So, that's it in a nutshell. I am still sober. I am still not viewing porn. I am still totally committed to my recovery.
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AmazingGrace
Full Member
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like ME.
Posts: 130
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Post by AmazingGrace on Oct 8, 2007 12:31:38 GMT -5
Smart1-- Glad to hear things are going well for you. And happy birthday! I just checked to see if you were maintaining your sobriety. Addiction or no, your recovery matters to more than just yourself. I'm encouraged that someday my husband may get to this point, too. AmazingGrace
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Post by smart1 on Oct 9, 2007 9:05:02 GMT -5
Thanks for the kind words and birthday wishes AmazingGrace. I hope that your husband continues his recovery.
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Post by lamaboy on Oct 10, 2007 20:59:18 GMT -5
Hi Smart1,
As always, thanks for checking in with me! I disappeared for a while, but am back now.
Going back to your old job sounds like a victory to me, not like going backward. It's like you've overcome a big obstacle.
Even if you don't get the job, it's still a victory.
Congrats on over 6 months sober. Happy birthday!
- Tom (lamaboy) (bogey)
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Post by smart1 on Oct 11, 2007 8:42:54 GMT -5
Thanks lamaboy. I needed this place this morning. My addict voice was speaking very loudly. It would be so easy to give in and start looking at porn again! But I didn't. I came here instead. After reading a couple of posts and seeing the progress JohnG is making on his house in Spain I am feeling much better. Don't know why I was wanting to act out - my addict voice was telling me to "get it over with". I guess it figures I'm going to act out eventually - why not now? I will keep busy today and limit my time on the internet. I do feel better. Just for today - I will not look at porn!
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Post by lamaboy on Oct 11, 2007 16:33:51 GMT -5
Hey smart1,
Good job stopping the voice.
Just curious - have you talked about porn stuff with your wife recently? It might be nice to get her support on this stuff again, if you haven't done it lately.
Isolation is a trigger here. The more people we can get around us giving support, the better.
I feel like an idiot writing this stuff, because I'm only on day 3, but I know it's true! I just have to follow my own advice.
- Tom
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