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Post by rockwell on Mar 29, 2007 12:15:52 GMT -5
March 29th. Still pluggin away.
Life was meant for purity of thought. Innocent love. Vulnerability.
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Post by rockwell on Mar 30, 2007 10:23:21 GMT -5
I am feeling encouraged today. I feel that my "Encouragement" board and my "Report the Voice" board have been helpful to many men and to some women as well. I do feel that I have a purpose on this board. ULtimately it is to help others to overcome their temptations and to be able to recognize the "voices" they are hearing telling them to do wrong things, whether it is to look at P, or to be lazy and not do something they are supposed to be doing, or to do something they are not supposed to be doing.
Encouraging others has been very beneficial to me because it does give me a sense of purpose and it makes me feel that by turning my temptations into opportunities to learn and recognize that they do not have to have power over me, I can point others in the right direction.
I also have recongnized something. I am not a P addict after all. I was on the verge of becoming one though, if I read my early posts there was a big fear that I would become an addict. Anyone can become an addict. I was on the verge, but I do not believe that I am one, based on all the posts from other people here. I still feel as strongly as ever the P is evil and must be avoided at all costs. I continue to renounce P but also the power of temptation and lust in my life. I am happier and more at peace than I was before Feb 22.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Apr 2, 2007 10:23:04 GMT -5
This is a copy, paste from bible.com:
If Satan tempts, we are told to "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). Submission to God is an attitude of the heart shown by obedience to His Word. Resist means to refuse to cooperate with the devil. If the temptation comes out of our own lust the scripture instructs us, "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh"(Galatians 5:16). To walk in the Spirit means to live in prayer and in the Word of God. Really this is not much different than walking with a friend. You become friends with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.God loved us so much He provided for victory.
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Post by ferdberfil on Apr 2, 2007 10:53:21 GMT -5
Hi Rockwell-
Interesting thought. I just happened across your journal.
My take on that whole issue is this - whether someone considers oneself an "addict" or not is less an exercise in finding objective "truth," in my opinion, and instead more an exercise in finding a way to usefully conquer the problem of excessive/compulsive/unwanted (what have you) porn viewing. Some people on these boards (particularly 12-step-oriented folks) prefer to define themselves as lifetime addicts, in a sense re-orienting their definition of themselves in order to get themselves in the right frame of mind for staying sober from porn and sexually acting out. Some don't.
I refer to myself as a porn "addict" as a reminder to myself to always be vigilant. I don't consider addiction a disease in any way myself. I use the term on myself for purely practical purposes. It's a "proscriptive" term, and not a "descriptive" one (although I certainly acknowledge that I have been a compulsive user of porn in the past, and this has caused me and my wife emotional pain, and I never want to go back there).
It's a curious thing, this whole recovery business. Such a pseudo-scientific, quasi-religious enterprise, all of it, and in the end all everyone wants to do is simply find a way to get together and share methods for living the right way in this world and getting on a better path. We make this recovery business so unnecessarily mystical, IMHO, if that makes sense.
Anyways, your post and quote was thought provoking for me. Hope you don't mind me unloading on your journal a tad.
-FB
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Post by rockwell on Apr 2, 2007 13:55:46 GMT -5
ferdberfil is correct that we should all be vigilant. Whether or not one is an addict is not necessarily the final point. The final point is every man must avoid P. It is wrong period. We all struggle with temptations for lust and that effects every man, regardless of addiction/compulsion issues.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Apr 3, 2007 10:26:52 GMT -5
I am convinced that P is SATANIC! It is diabolical and from the pit of HELL!
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER are we to view this! It is insanely EVIL!
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Post by rockwell on Apr 9, 2007 9:04:05 GMT -5
I am pleased to report that my relationship with my wife has improved immensely since Feb 22. We are much much closer than we have been in a long time. And our sex life is more passionate, spontaneous and open than ever. I have much more focus on pleasing her. This was the way it was meant to be. Why would I want to accept a lower standard?
I am on the right track and intend to stay on this track. I know the deceiver's tricks and I am aware of them. I am at the point now where I do not need to come to this board daily. But I do intend to still come back here regularly. To encourage others, to report the voice, and to post my thoughts in this journal.
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Post by rockwell on Apr 10, 2007 10:34:21 GMT -5
I was tempted today to come into work and look at P. I was not feeling happy with my wife this morning and she was not happy with me and we had, not really an argument, but a few brief sharp words with each other this morning. While driving to work I thought about my morning at home, and the thoughts started popping into my head to look at a little P when I get to work. Perhaps this was going to make me feel better. But I know better than that. I started to analize my morning. I was wrong to snap at my wife. I know that if I start out my morning this way, it ruins her day. She is very sensitive. I was wrong. I got to work and called her right away and told her I was sorry for snapping at her. I told her I love her and she forgave me. And now she can go on her day and feel happy. I do not want to bring her down. Now I am on this website, reading the newcomers and the pain they are in. The isolation they feel, and the low self esteem that their P addiction has brought them. And the others that are posting in reply to the newcomers.....they are saying how P ruins the sexual relationship between partners. And why would I want to look at P, knowing all this? This message board is sobering. P destroys lives, marriages, self-esteem. Even one look is a sin. Coming to this board purges me, is a reality check, puts me back on the right track. I am angry at what P is doing the the men of this nation. Especially the young men who have grown up with the internet and do not know what life was like before it was part of our lives. I had no internet until I was 30 years old so my perspective is completely different from that of a young man or teen. The obstacles that young men have to go through is much worse than my generation. Because I have something to compare it with....meaning knowing lust but not having internet access to P. I am worried and concerned for the future of the world with all this P. And how many men and teens are becoming addicts daily? There is nothing that can stop this really. And I think of all the men that are struggling. Christians and others of faith, church leaders, politicians, teachers, construction works. How many relationships and marriages are being utterly destroyed. Families ripped apart because of P. I hate P. It is utterly evil ---- all of it in every form. Men have enough trouble of their own such as lust, we do not need the gasoline of P in our lives. We have to fight against this. My dark side and my light side may be at war with one another. But they are the same person really. I can only reconcile them as being the "voice" and my higher self at this time. My higher self, thankfully, is winning over the voice, as I have learned to recognize his whispers and his suble ways of luring me off the track I am on. And now I am looking at my tag line. *** Renounced this evil on Feb 22, 2007. With God's help, NO TURNING BACK!!! *** I still am committed to this tag line. With God's help I will not go back to pre Feb 22. The fight is worth it. NO TURNING BACK! rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Apr 23, 2007 14:37:54 GMT -5
I have had some very very intense sexual experiences with my wife lately. Since I have not looked at any P since Feb 22, I do not feel guilt when being intimate with my wife. My sexual experiences are building on each other and getting stronger. The focus is completely on my wife and myself. This is the way it should be. I accept no substitutes!!! NO WAY!!!
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Apr 24, 2007 13:46:54 GMT -5
I am feeling sad today since coming to this board. I read through a bunch of journals and discussions going on here. Just sad at so many ruined lives and so many men struggling, so many wives and girlfriends feeling betrayed. How P has destroyed relationships everywhere. It is very discouraging to read this stuff. I have not looked at P since Feb 22. My heart breaks for all the young people out there who started out addicted before they even ever had a relationship. How screwed up this upcoming generation is going to be. Will the divorce rate hit 90% for that generation? How will relationships last? Do most men know they are addictied? Who can stop this before it happens to all these young men? How will the world operate in 20 years? Will there just be mass chaos in relationships? I feel so sad for all of this.
rockwell
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Post by dirtrider on Apr 25, 2007 1:00:55 GMT -5
My heart breaks for all the young people out there who started out addicted before they even ever had a relationship. How screwed up this upcoming generation is going to be. Will the divorce rate hit 90% for that generation? How will relationships last? Do most men know they are addicted? Who can stop this before it happens to all these young men? How will the world operate in 20 years? Will there just be mass chaos in relationships? I feel so sad for all of this. rockwell I discovered this board just over a week ago, and one of the things that I immediately noticed are the large number of young men posting here. It saddens me as well. One tends to think of porn addiction as something that affects older men, those who perhaps are past their sexual prime, those whose marriages have maybe become cold, those who are tired and bored with their career, those who now feel worthless because their children have grown up and left home, etc. (I'm not by any means saying these things are valid excuses to indulge in porn - but one can to some degree 'understand' it happening under such circumstances). But healthy young men, in their physical and sexual prime, being addicted to porn even before they have experienced deep intimate relationships - that is indeed extremely worrying. I also fear for the future of humanity ... the world has indeed become a sick place - far too much focus on 'human rights' and 'freedom', without a corresponding focus on the obligations and responsibilities that go along with these things.
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Post by rockwell on Apr 25, 2007 10:26:23 GMT -5
Continuation from yesterday........
What bikerider says above is exactly what my fears are. The future generation of young men who have not even experienced a relationship yet.....completely addicted to porn. And the bulk of them will never receive help for it. So what will happen to them? They will replace natural relations with women for a laptop computer full of images and will MB to these images. They will fear real relationships with women. Relationships will not last as they will have no patience for a real women. No understanding of real emotions, sharing, intamacy. It is indeed a sick, sick world we live in now. I am scared for my daughters. Will their future boyfriends and husbands be addicted to P?
As for me, I refuse to be a part of the P world. I am adamant, completely sold out to the idea that P is absolutely 100% forbidden!!! I believe that God has commanded me to never look at it, to have nothing to do with it, and to try and help out those that are struggling for purity. I will accept nothing less than complete intamacy with my wife only.
I will never forgot this date: Feb 22, 2007. I made a committment to God on that day. With his help I will walk the narrow pathway and stay away from the wide road that leads to destruction. God help us, all.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Apr 25, 2007 17:30:39 GMT -5
The negative consequences of masturbation for me are that I do not have the sexual urgency to make love to my wife if I have MBd that day. I spent my sexual energy on myself instead of my wife. The guilt alway accompanies this action and it draws a non verbal rift between my wife and myself which I know she senses. In the past when I have MBd, it may take days until i have "healed" enough from the experience to begin feeling close to my wife again.
On Feb 22 I renounced P and have not looked at it since. I have MBd a few times since then however. One time I had permission from my wife because it was her cycle. I did not feel guilty about that because I had her permission. Another time I was going to be driving on a very long trip and I knew that the vibrations of the car would stimulate me, perhaps causiung me to fantacize. So i MBd before the trip to get it out of my system.
Overall I think I have only Mbd 3 times since Feb 22. I do not feel that MB is necessary when you are a married man, because you can save yourself for your wife. Even if you are very h*rny and feel the urgent need, you do not have to give in. In fact, by delaying gratification your sexual experience with your wife will be all the more powerful.
In my early journals I wrote that when I had viewed internet P, I had the most powerful orgasm I ever had. That is no longer true. Since I have been P free, last week when my wife and I made love, I had the most powerful one ever. It replaced the one from the P. I suppose I brought this up to show that the strongest sexual experiences are the ones most ingrained into our brains and cause us to want to repeat the action. By denying the urge to MB, and only having an orgasm within the confines of a married realtionship sexual encounter, it makes the true nature of what our sexuality be validated. MB is not necessary. I feel guilt free and whole when my sexuality is owned soley by my wife. There is power there.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Apr 30, 2007 13:12:36 GMT -5
Overall a good weekend. Very close to my wife. Great love-making. No guilt. Love being P-and MB Free! IT is worth it.
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Post by rockwell on May 1, 2007 9:19:22 GMT -5
Things going well with my wife and me. Our lovemaking is very open and real. I am loving this! I can never go back to the pre Feb 22 days now. Life is too good the natural way.
Note to self: BEWARE. When things are going well, sometimes strong temptations are there to test you. Remember: YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO LOOK AT ANY P. MB is not needed, you have a wife!
rockwell
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