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Post by rockwell on Mar 15, 2007 15:13:06 GMT -5
Did I just post that this is easier than I thought? Well I just had some lustful thoughts come into my head. And a voice said to me, "surf the web for just a little porn. come on, just for a few mintues!" Can you believe it? Well, guess what I did? I came here instead and reported that voice. Damn him!!!! To hell with the evilness. "Not gonna do it "(george bush sr.'s voice)
Temptation loses its power when coming to this board. note to self: remember, if you get really really tempted, just go to the partners board and read about their pain. that will be like dumping a bucket of ice water on your head!!!!
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 16, 2007 13:20:50 GMT -5
More on the Voice......
The "Voice" can be my own imagination. My own lustful thoughts. But I can think of it as being my "Bad" voice, not my "real" voice. My real voice has the power to shut up my bad voice. My real voice is the one I want to control my thoughts and actions. I have to give the power to that part of myself which is good. This is a way of recognizing that I have choices to make and I do not have to listen to every voice and cater to every whim that enters my mind.
I do believe that there are real spiritual forces of wickedness at work in the world. And these spirits do influence me. So whether the voice comes from my own sinful imagination, or the voice is from the spiritual world - it really makes no difference. Because when I recognize this voice and rebuke it, my "Real" self takes the power and control away from the evil voice and I can experience victory.
Testing this theory
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 17, 2007 14:48:08 GMT -5
Feeling a bit down today and disconnected from everyone. Too much sleep last night? I dont like this feeling. I feel kind of isolated and not quite with it. I dont feel positive today. Maybe a bit anxious. This will pass, I tell myself. I feel like I am putting a wall up between my wife and myself for some reason. Could I have had a dream last night that bothered me? Not sure, can't remember. How fickle and moody I am!
Anyway, I know these feelings will pass. I will just experience them and get through this. Its like I want to punish myself for feeling good lately. Just a theory. Anyway, just checking in to make sure I continue with this journal. I am making it....just need to daily analyse what I am thinking and feeling and why. Remember, I need to be caring about others. And being inward focused is not helping me to achieve this goal. It would, however, be easier if I were in a more open mood. Perhaps I still have some guilt left over from my old ways. Any how.....life is a daily process. Each day is different.
God, please help me. Please bless my marriage and help me to feel closer to my wife. Help me to be vulnerable and to feel that it is ok to let go, and not clam up.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 19, 2007 9:27:49 GMT -5
Saturday, as mentioned above was not a good day in terms of my mood. I was in a funk and could not get out of it...so I just accepted it and admited the mood to myself and my wife. I got through the day. I told my wife that I felt we needed to be closer since we had not made love in 2 weeks. On Sunday morning we did just that and I felt much closer to her all day long.
Last night I wanted to make love to her again, but she told me that she started her cycle again....so it is out of the question for about a week. ***This is where the challenge is **** In the past when it was her monthly cylce week is where I rationalized that it was OK to MB. Sometimes during this time I would also look at P. I had justified it because I would tell myself that she was not available to me so it was ok to just going ahead and indulge myself. Many times I did not use any P, but did MB several times during that week. After her cycle was done I did feel guilty and pulled away from her a bit. So the MB did not actually help our relationship at all.
Well, last night after I was informed of her situation, I was very tempted to MB. I did not end up doing it, but i did fantacize. I started to rationalize in my mind that I would MB and it was OK because it was just for release purposes. But then I thought, NO! This would be a slippery slope down the path that i DO NOT WANT TO GO!!!
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Post by rockwell on Mar 19, 2007 9:34:20 GMT -5
....continued from above. I also thought about all the men that post here, especially those that are single and without SOs. They are going through their life without MB, without the release of their sexual desires. And here I am a married man, with sexual release available to me almost whenever i want - meaning with my wife. If these men can go through life denying themselves the pleasure of MB, then certainly I can go one week without this pleasure! How greedy and selfish of me! Besides, waiting would be better because it will make our love making all the more special and intense. So here I am. I did not MB and have decided that it would be wrong and self centered. I will save my life-force for my wife and look forward to next week. I do not need to magnify this as if it were a life and death issue. I can certainly live without sex.
How subtle the mind is. Sneaky.....always trying to compromise its way to getting what it wants. The ID is what they called it in psychology class. Well, I have reported the voice once again.
God, be with all of the men who are struggling on this post and help them to overcome their weakness and to be strong. And that includes me. Thank you. Amen.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 19, 2007 13:03:31 GMT -5
I can't believe how many times I have come to this board today. I am feeling highly tempted today. I need encouragement if anyone is readling this :-(
I can't give into these urges. I need to be strong. But I feel so weak today. Oh, oh much easier it would be to give in and get it over with! But NO....thats wrong. I would feel so guilty and then be back to square one again. The irrationality of it all! God help me.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 19, 2007 15:04:50 GMT -5
Back again. Holding steadfast. Read the partners journal and no desire to look at P.
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Post by Webmaster on Mar 19, 2007 15:23:17 GMT -5
Amazing how the Partners Journal helps with that isn't it? It can really dump cold water on the lust when you remember the pain it inflicts. - Wes
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Post by rockwell on Mar 20, 2007 9:14:19 GMT -5
Thank you Wes for your post and for the personal note.
Its a new day and the wave I experienced yesterday is gone. Thank God. Yesterday was a tough day because I experienced a wave and it was extremely difficult. Perhaps I could even call it a riptide. It was a riptide becaues I could not get out of this wave at all. It sucked me in and I was fighting to get out of it and could not. But coming to this board several times yesterday and reading the partners forums and doing my own post, and praying.....all of that allowed me to swim to the right and eventually I was out of the power of the riptide. It was not able to pull me out to sea to sink!
This was my first real wave experience since I gave up P on Feb 22. I told myself that this feeling would end eventually and that I needed to ride it out. But how difficult it was. And I empathize with all the men who have gone through this. Especially those who were into P very deeply in the past and it was more of an addiction to them. I believe the waves are worse the deeper the man was into P.
My temptation was to look at P, but the greater temptation was to MB. The urges that I felt within me was to "just get it out." I felt that if I could just get this feeling out of my system, then I could return to calmness and peace of mind. But looking back on yesterday, if I had self-pleasured and released, I would have then felt very guilty. And the cycle would start again with the guilt. Anyone going through this....pretty much any man reading my post knows exactly what I am saying and has felt the same things.
Somehow we have been all misinformed about "sexual release." We have been told by society, our schools, mens magazines, etc - that we need to MB for release. But actually, the feelings will subside eventually. They do not stay with us. If I give it time, my "needs" will subside.
I can wait until my wife's cycle is over.
2 more days until I hit the one month mark.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 20, 2007 15:13:22 GMT -5
Getting very close to the one month mark and I can see how it can be difficult. I do not like focusing a lot of attention on how far I have come because focusing on dates seems like a foreshadowing of falling.
I have to daily take up my cross and follow. Not to worry about tomorrow but to get through this day.
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Post by dj2005 on Mar 20, 2007 15:53:04 GMT -5
hey rockwell! i wanted to stop by your journal and congratulate you on your progress with your recovery. keep up the great work. i know what you mean about focusing on the dates, and how that seems to set up a fall. i am finding that focusing on my hopes is the most powerful thing i can do for my recovery. even when my attention is tuned in to something positive like recovery from bad habits, it is still ultimately centered on that bad habit. i don't do so well when i am trying to move away from something negative from my past. i do a lot better when i focus on something positive in my future. it's great to have you here!
peace, dj
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Post by rockwell on Mar 21, 2007 9:41:38 GMT -5
Thank you DJ, for your encouraging words!
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 21, 2007 9:51:52 GMT -5
I have two newer threads that I started to help the men struggling with temptation. The first thread is "Report the Voice" which is intended to help recognize the temptations we face by reporting it as if it was a real voice. A man facing temptation and hearing a voice inside his head can simply go to the thread, report the voice by stating what it said to him, and what he said back to it to defeat it. I hope that the thread will help these men obtain victory over their temptations. It has helped me personally.
The second thread I started is an encouragement thread. My goal is to write a simple statement of encouragement to help the men realise that they can make it through this day. If anyone is experiencing a down day and needs individual encouragement, I am hoping that they will post to that thread and either myself or anyone else can post encouragement to that person.
Helping others is something that I want to do and in a small way I am hoping that the 2 threads I started will help others in dealing with the issues we all face on this board.
The farther I move away from the pre Feb 22 days, the stronger I will be and someday I hope to be able to be a resource for those that were able to overcome temptations and be a credible source of advice for them based on the success I will have. I only say this humbly with the knowledge that I am capable of falling just like the rest of us here. I ask for God's grace and mercy to guide me through my life and to try to live with integrity, honesty and humility. Not focusing my life on myself, but on helping others. On loving my wife and my family. Not being judgemental, but compassionate, forgiving and having an understanding heart.
Lord, cleanse my heart. And grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 26, 2007 11:10:01 GMT -5
It seems so much longer than this, but that last time I looked at P was on Feb 22. That was the day I renounced its power of my life and repented, turned away, and vowed never to look at it again. So I have completed a month. It seems like several months ago.
The draw of it and it's power feels diminished. At least today it does. I am not in a wave, and do not feel temptation. So naturally today this seems easy. But looking at my previous posts, I know that temptation can come when least expected. The voice needs to be acknowledged, rebuked and corrected by my higher self.
I am learning to recognize the voice in other areas of my life as well. He needs to be rebuked when negative thoughts against others enter my mind to think the worst in people. Discontent, complaining, whining....they are all part of my "Voice" my "old nature" as it has been described in Bible passages I have read.
I will continue to renounce the voice in his various and crafty forms. Recognize him as the old nature. And do what I read somewhere in the bible, which is "putting off the old nature and putting on a robe of righteousness." I like that imagery.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 27, 2007 8:42:22 GMT -5
Keeping my focus on work. Nothing new to report. Kind of in a lull right now. Nothing good, nothing bad, just in neutral now. Paying attention to my higher self and its voice is getting stronger and able to shoot down the enemy voice. The enemy voice is destructive, negative and a downer. I see how it works in many areas of my life and I rebuke it at every corner.
My higher self is linked to my higher power. My higher power is stronger than the evil voice. I call my higher power God.
Whatever is noble and right and just and good.....think on these things....and the God of peace will be with you. The Lord be with you. And also with you.
rockwell
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