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Post by rockwell on Mar 3, 2007 13:10:42 GMT -5
DAY 9
My wife and I made love for the first time since I renounced P. I mark this day as significant because now my thinking is that my sexuality is tied directly to her instead of outside sources and imaginations. This is the building block to start fresh.
Being a married man, and as long as I am P free, there is no need to MB. Because my needs will be met by my wife. And if I have to go a long time between love making, I will wait. I look at this board with so many single men on it....if they can go as long as they have without MB and no parter, than I being a married man have no excuse and should never MB. Unless it is a mutual thing between my wife and I while love making.
I am feeling down and still guilty. Apprehensive. Not confident. I hope these feelings pass. During love making this morning I felt a little bit awkward and worried about performance, that guilty would set-in and change the mood. However, it had been over a week since I began this program and I did have sexual energy built up. Anyhow, I feel that I pleased my wife and we are one again. One in spirit and in body. That feels good. Making love - you feel love and sexual urges all rolled into one. The way God intended it. P does not allow for love at all, which makes it as if it is in a vaccume, void of love and selfish.
Well, I am grateful for the oneness my wife and I experienced this morning. I vow to stay pure, faithful, belonging to her alone. I realise that I have more to work on besides staying away from P. I need to stop being so self centered and self focused and absorbed. Need to focus attention on her needs, how she is feeling and what makes her happy. Complimenting her, showing affection and not withdrawing. When I am guiltiy of doing wrong I withdraw and do not show affection. Stop dwelling in the past and be happy. Stop anticipating failure and see how far you are coming.....this is what I am thining right now. And do not become cocky thinking you have beat this and cannot fall again. Pride before a fall.
Day 9 and counting. Grateful for this second chance.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 5, 2007 11:24:23 GMT -5
Day 11 Free for 11 days
Had a nice weekend with my wife. We were very close on Sunday morning and made love. It was great being one with her. I feel my relationship is much better with her now. Being away from P and focusing on her alone is working. I am feeling optimistic now and positive about myself and our future.
I feel like I will never go back to P. It is not worth it. I am a happier Man without it in my life. Note to self; BE ALERT. Just when you think all is well is when a wave could hit you.
I must prepare myself for a potential wave. You never know when it could come but be ready. Know what to do. The darkeness does not want you to be happy or succeed. Be on guard.
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Post by JohnG on Mar 5, 2007 12:56:31 GMT -5
For me the best way to be prepared is to work hard on my recovery everyday. Not five minutes ago I called another recovering addict about meeting for coffee tomorrow.
JohnG
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Post by rockwell on Mar 6, 2007 11:23:49 GMT -5
DAY 12
Just checking in....not much to say today. Happy to have made it 12 days. Not feeling tempted at this point. Feeling happier and lighter mood. More optimistic about future. Holding fast to what is true and right and noble. Keeping feet firmly on the ground.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 7, 2007 11:10:17 GMT -5
DAY 13
I saw something interesting this morning on TV on Diane Sawyers show. It was an interview with a medical professional who had studied the brains of persons addicted to cocaine. They showed pictures of the brain activity comparing a normal brain with one addicted to cocaine, and the difference was huge. The pictures were in color. The women mentioned that the brain activity changes when the addictiion is aroused. It made me wonder about the brain activity of all addicted persons - no matter what their addiction be it drugs, food, alcohol, porn. Is that what is happening to the brain of all these people? It makes me realise the intense impact an addiction has on a person and the control it can have over you if you let it.
I still wonder if I am wrong about myself. Perhaps I am not addicted, but when I was on a bindge maybe I was acting compulsively. I am not sure. All I know is that when I was looking at P I felt intense activity in my brain which makes me think about the brain activity I saw on the show I mentioned above. It definitley does something strong to our brains and that makes it all the more dangerous.
Coming here and writing this journal has really helped me. I look forward to making it through but not looking to far ahead. Just one day at a time is all that can be done.
Do not worry about the future. Each day has enough problems of it's own - a quote from Jesus
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 8, 2007 10:30:10 GMT -5
DAY 14 Hanging in There
I had a restless night and did not get good sleep. I have had many thoughts going through my head, and i am starting to deal with who I am and what my issues are now, thanks to this board.
I realised that I turned to P and MB because (in part) I am lonely. I do not have a lot of friends and I long for some really good friends. I have become kind of a loner. Sadness and loneliness feels better when my brain hits that high that I desire. But P and MB do not really fill it at all. They only temporarily make me feel better, and then the guilt is overwhelming. I think because I feel inadequate, I turn to porn. I know it makes no sense.
On the way to work this morning I started having urges to check out some P. Instead, I came to this website again and decided to write down what I am feeling, read other's journals and come to my senses. Reading what others are going through brings me back to reality and underscores my knowledge that I must avoid all P at all times, forever!
I have been clean for 14 days now. There have been times in the past that I would have desires to look at P on my way to work. I would rationalize and say to myself, "If I just MB instead, then I will get the release I need and I won't look at the P." This did work sometimes, but it is not the solution. I did not realise this until coming to this board. Or maybe I did realise it but ignored it thinking it was natural to want release. But as I have read so many posts here, I now believe it is wrong for me to MB. Because I would have fantacies while doing it. Additionally, I would not be having sex with my wife, but it would be with myself - not the intended purpose of my sexuality.
I need to address some root issues in my life. Why do I avoid friendships. Why do I not make enough efforts to have friends? I need to have a few guys to hang out with, to become part of a group or something. This kind of loneliness cannot be filled by my wife.
I am doing better now, and I can analize myself when I have desires and urges. I hate counting the days like this...."Day 13, Day 14" because It makes me realise how few days actually I have achieved and how far I need to go. I hope to be able to post "365 day P free" If I can achieve that and never turn back, I will then have the confidence to help others who struggle with this, and be able to give them advice based on what worked for me. For now, I cannot really give advice because am I an expert in overcoming temptation? Hardly! It has only been 14 days.
I have to say, that I feel better these past 14 days then I have in a very long time. The darkness that consumed me seems to be gone (at least for now) and I no longer am feeling the weight of the guilt of my past sins. I feel healthier. Note to self: remember what you are saying here.....to give into P would wipe what you just wrote away! Don't be a fool!
One day at a time.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 8, 2007 17:19:21 GMT -5
Day 14 Still....
Just checking in again. Felt a little tempted and decided to come here and read. I have read a lot of journals and postings. Just reading the pain everyone is in made the desire go away. Praying for everyone here.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 9, 2007 14:37:45 GMT -5
DAY 15, but not counting days anymore. I do not feel it is productive to try to make it to a certain number of days and count them as they go by. If my goal is to stay free from P for one day at a time, then why count? Why congratulate myself for a "job well done" This is not a judgement on others on this message board who are counting their days. It applies only to me. Therefore I have added a tag line today which reads: Renounced this evil on Feb 22, 2007. With God's help, NO TURNING BACK!!! This will be my reminder that I turned my back on P on that day. And if I really need to know that number of days I have been free, I can simply figure it out from the Feb 22 date. Whew! That was actually a freeing experience. No longer am I chained to a daily calendar reminder. I am grateful that I have been free for 15 days (no bragging here, trust me) I am grateful that I do have a wife. I love her and I feel fortunate that although I have given up MB, I have not given up on sex. I can focus my desires toward her, and I do feel closer to her now, and overall more happy. I do have issues. I am learning what they are. Like loneliness and lack of friends. I am addressing this by asking a friend to do something next week. I am going to invite some people to my house and make plans. I need to be a friend in order to have a friend. I dont mean to say that I have no friends at all, but not really close ... I need close friends. Praying for all on this site. Thank you for those who sent me personal messages. I was beginning to think that my posts were so boring that noone wanted to encourage me. I'm not as good a writer as others here. But the purpose of this journal is actually for me. To write down my feelings and work on my issues. And to just post if nothing else. Post when I am down. Post when I feel tempted. And to encourage others by sending private messages. Also, another things is. I am going to post whenever I want. Not just a one time a day thing. But whenever I feel like it. rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 9, 2007 17:44:51 GMT -5
I plan on having a nice porn free weekend. Just thinking about how much better my weekend will be without porn vs with it. I will interact and spend time with my wife and kids. I will listen to them, care about what they are saying and feeling. I want to make this weekend a happy one.
Life doesnt just go on after porn. You are born-again to a new life when you outright reject it's power on your life. Reject porn now! Turn away from it forever!!!!!
rockwell
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Post by blueclouds on Mar 10, 2007 8:43:39 GMT -5
Hi Rockwell. Aren't weekends without P and MB great? My wife and I are about to have lunch. We've already done some cleaning, the dog's been out, we did a washload, and we moved a cumbersome table upstairs. These are all things that used to fill me with a sense of laziness so heavy it approached dread. Now I still resist getting started on them, but once they're accomplished and the sun pours into the house, reflecting in the clean floors, I really feel like I am living, like doing these things is a part of my love for my self, my SO, and our daughter on the way.
Not looking at P or MBing during the week has its rewards too. When your wife walks in the door, or when she wakes up in the morning, you can look in her eyes much more freely and happily. When I was in the middle of my P usage, I would avert my eyes from hers, feel dirty and lowly in her presence. Now I can look up again, engage her, and I am relearning just who I have at my side, and how lucky I am.
It's worth every second of struggle or suffering recovery may cause us.
Take care,
Blueclouds
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Post by rockwell on Mar 11, 2007 13:30:37 GMT -5
I completely agree with blueclouds message above. It is as if I had written it. Life is some much more worth the living without this fantaoday, and gultcy world being a part of it. And to be able to look at my wife in the eyes and see her soul.....its amazing.
I had a few free minutes and decide to come here real quick to post. I am feeling happy today and guilt free. I am enjoying small things that I had forgotten about. It is so empowering to flat out renounce something, turn your back on it and outright reject it! Thats what I did on Feb 22. And it is the day I will remember. With God's help only. And the help of this message board.
Well, this journal is bringing out things within me that I know are bad. All kinds of sin. Such as thinking jeaulous thoughts of others, self centeredness. All of these things are becoming apparent to me as I self reflect. This is a good thing because they are all things I must work on to be the healthier me. How critical I was of my wife and thinking the negative in her instead of all her great qualities. I am seeing the good in her now. And my heart is filling with gratefulness. How moody I am! Why does she put up with it? But My moods are getting better. Because the weight of guilt and shame has been removed, or perhaps lessened, I can feel now. Compassion.....somehting I was lacking is returning as well.
Today is a good day and I know that there will be good days and bad days. But I want to really feel the good days and enjoy them. Thank you God for your help. Help me not to doubt, help me to be thankful, to trust, and mostly to be compassionate. Help me be compassionate to others and to feel empathy for them. And thank you that you are helping me to see my flaws and to work on them. Also thank you for the gift of forgiveness....it sets me free to be the man I was meant to be.
Your grace is sufficient for me. For your power is made perfect in weakness.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 12, 2007 10:54:26 GMT -5
Another new day
Another opportunity to do right. To choose, to know, to serve, to resist. To be happy. Every moment counts. No excuses.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 13, 2007 15:56:37 GMT -5
Just checking in to say I am still on coarse. Will check back again soon
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 14, 2007 16:27:13 GMT -5
Love the one your with. Take time to smile and breath in fresh air. Appreciate the colors, the people, the smles. Think the best in others. Avoid the trappings of the devil
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Mar 15, 2007 13:30:34 GMT -5
I am noticing changes in me that are positive. For instance, I am much more patient with my children. I am spending more quality time with them reading to them and asking them quesitons and playing with them. Also I am talking with my wife more and I can see things the way she is feeling them. I am more responsive to hugs, and just being close to her turns me on. Since the weight of guilt is not there to block the way of living, I am finding freedom.
I like this freedom. It is liberating. This has been easier than I thought it would be. Because the benefits outweigh the addicition.
I want to hold her tonight. To cuddle with her and take our time. And then, make love to her. I want it to be meaningful and all about pleasing her, not myself. Lovemaking is more poweful when it is all about pleasing her and not myself. Because in the end I have great pleasure.
This mental de-tox is so good for me. I dont ever want to look back.
My eyes even look better. The angry expression, and the blank isolated look within them is changing. They are more expressive and feel lighter, more responsive and loving. Dont' like those old eyes. Those "Lying eyes." Change may be slow, but I am moving in the right direction, and farther and farther away from the outpost of wickedness. But I have miles and miles to go, and the journey is all ahead of me. And the journey continues.
rockwell
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