Rockwell's Journal

[rockwell]

Day 22 in Sobriety

Porn always promises something that it cannot deliver. It always deceives, it always destroys, it always leaves the heart a bit colder. It always puts up barriers to a strong marriage. It tears down self esteem that took ages to build up. It leaves the mind feeling foggy, unalert, and your will becomes apathetic. Your love for the LORD waines.

So what is the draw for me then? It is the quick fix. That is the draw. The chemical high that my brain craves to elevate my mood and make me feel good.....for a short while.

You see, I am an addict. I always will be an addict. My brain will always remind me of what it wants and my AV knows which buttons to push.

For all of the above, I must continue to read the sign posts as I move along on this journey. Watching for what is ahead. Seeing the yellow caution signs, the alerts that there is a bend in the road, a bump, that construction is taking place.

No matter if I am on day 22 or day 2,2222, my brain has a cached knowledge of what it needs to get that electric high. Therefore, because of this, I have to continually remind myself that I do not have this thing beat. That I am not cured. That I will always be an addict. Just as an alcoholic knows he can never NOT be an alcoholic, the same holds true for me.

I think that is why my relapse in November hit me so hard. I must have convinced myself that I was beyond where I really was. I thought I had arrived at a destination, or at least was close, when in all actuality I was far far away.

I do feel that i am slowly returning to my old self. The old rockwell that knew where he was heading and what he needed to do. Not quite there yet, but I am heading there.

The domino effect is taking its toll on the Secular Circle yet again. And I must remain strong myself as to not let what is happening there influence me in the negative. I will remain steadfast in my resolve and continue to reject any middle circle thinking. It cannot happen.

Currently the LORD feels far away from me. But it is no he that has moved it is I. I know this. But I am ok with it. Because as I have said, my emotions and my feelings will not dictate the facts and the truth. I belong to the LORD, body and soul. Nothing can seperate me from the love of GOD - nothing. And that includes my feelings, my emotions, my moods.
So I will not worry about this. God is my refuge and my strength. He is an ever present help in times of trial. I will remain steadfast in my knowledge on him. That is what trust is. And I will repeat to myself the spiritual truths, those bedrocks of strength that keep my going, heading for the City of God. On my spiritual path to victory.

Surely it is God who saves me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. For the LORD is my stronghold and my sure defense. And he will be my saviour.


Rockwell
Holding steady.

[MrOuch]

No matter if I am on day 22 or day 2,2222, my brain has a cached knowledge of what it needs to get that electric high. Therefore, because of this, I have to continually remind myself that I do not have this thing beat. That I am not cured. That I will always be an addict. Just as an alcoholic knows he can never NOT be an alcoholic, the same holds true for me.

Rock,

It took me a long time to realize this. I didn't want to believe in the addict moniker. Yet that's what I am. I know that I can never let my guard down. That's the way we addicts need to live, with faith in our recovery and one eye looking over our shoulder.

Regarding faith. I heard recently an interesting perspective from a longtime member of the church. To paraphrase: There are times in our lives where we feel an incredibly strong attraction to God and our faith. During these times it is apparent there is no other way than the one we are on. Our lives are filled with a moment of absolute clarity. It is during this time that we establish habits and traits that are God-centered and good for us (ie. reading the bible daily, praying, going to church, fellowship with others, etc.) There are also times in our lives in which we experience spiritual low points. We recognize the seed of doubt in our lives. The way to get through these is to continue to practice the things we started in the good times. Prayer, reading, fellowship, etc. These are the things that sustain us through the dark valleys and lead us back into the sunshine. Just like porn will come back into your life if you don't work at recovery, our faith will wither if we don't work at maintaining it.

Be well Rock.

MrOuch

[gregg70]

Stay pointed at the Lord. This storm will pass. God will never give us more than we can handle. He knows our breaking point and He will deliver.

Gregg70

[Paul]

I'm sorry you're feeling removed from God, Rock.

Ouch is correct: Keep up your spiritual disciplines and you'll "come round right" (as the Quaker hymn puts it). Start with gratitude - for 22 days clean, for a wife who loves you, for a warm home, for food on the table, for forgiveness and second chances. Let gratitude well up inside you.

As Paul says in Philippians, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Thanksgiving -- in every situation. Even if you're scared or burned out or disgusted with yourself. Look around. Love surrounds you. Grace abounds. Thank God for that.

"I am an addict. I always will be an addict."

Me, too. We have to realize that. It would be wonderful to be "cured" of the addiction and never suffer its temptations and torments again. But that would make me feel less dependent on God and in a very real way my sobriety would be less a reflection of his presence in my daily life.

Paul writes about his "thorn in the flesh" in 2 Corinthians, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

I will be weak and will proudly lean on the grace of God for the rest of my life.

Take good care,

Paul

[rockwell]

Mr. Ouch, Gregg, Paul: Thank you for your words of support and wisdom. I learn something from each of you and I am glad and thankful for you all.
rock
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'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

I was just thinking about this passage of Scripture last night while in prayer. I find this to be so meaningful to me and so true. It was as if the LORD took an arrow and bullseye! He hit me right in the soul with this passage.

God's grace. His power and his love. That is all I need. He says that it is "sufficient." That means I need nothing else. The word weakness. Something I am very familiar with because I feel weak many times in fighting my addict. I know I am weak. But this passage says that God's power is made "perfect in weakness." So my acknowledgment that I am weak and that I must rely on his grace is what I know carries me through.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation. And grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."

Another passage, a bedrock truth that I hold fast to and have been holding onto during my spriitual desert. And I feel that the joy I once had is returning now. I feel like the former Rockwell, the one before the relapse is back again.

My wife and kids were together last night decorating the Christmas tree. Carols were playing on the CD player. "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" was playing in the background. My heart was truly warmed by this experience and I felt grateful for all I had. My wife, my kids, Christmas, being together. And for Christ. I thought about him and what he did for me. What he is doing for me. It is as if the HOLY SPIRIT knew what I needed and he came to me and warmed my heart. A heart that had started to turn to stone, cold and distant.

I did continue to focus my thoughts on spiritual truths while I felt distant from the LORD, knowing full well that I would feel restored again at the right time. Those spiritual rocks, faithful stones of scripture, of the knowledge that God is faithful, merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindness. That he is filled with power and grace and authority. And I belong to him. That knowledge carried me through these past 23 days. Not feelings or moods or emotions, but rock-solid truth of God's love for me.

I feel that my mind has been re-opened again and the gift of wisdom I had been given has also been restored. The gift of insight. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom. As long as I continue to fear him, honor him and follow him, he will make me wise. I must humble myself in the sight of the LORD...and he will lift me up in due time.

One thing I know now is this. Sexual addiction, addicts like myself.... this is all a spiritual battle. It is not just flesh and blood and fantacy and psychology. It is a spiritual thing that is going on within me. I know this because sexual sin is just that. It is SIN. It is against God's call on my life. It stands as a roadblock between the LORD and myself. I am on a journey and following a path. Boulders keep falling down from the hills next to me and they attempt to block my path to the City of God. These boulders are sexual temptation, urges, feelings, fantacies. Anything that is sin is a seperation from God. And sexuality is a gift from God himself. One design, one purpose. I recognize this as such, and because of this I must continue to be steadfast and rely on the power of the LORD. The power of the HOLY SPIRIT. The body and blood of Christ, my God and my King. I must rely on the HOLY TRINITY. That is the key. God can break the stronghold of sin and death. Therefore my spiritual life is completely tied to my recovery and my future. It is so intwined that I must not allow a seperation to take place between my reliance on God and my fight over this addiction.

My heart is convicted now. It is convinced. I am sold out. Not to just getting through the day being P free. Not just counting days and getting through. Nope. I am on a mission. I know what the LORD requires of me. I know he has plans for my life. I know he wants me to live and to prosper. And I will follow him.

"Trust in the LORD with ALL OF YOUR HEART. And do not lean on your own understanding. In ALL of your ways acknowledge HIM, and HE will MAKE YOUR PATH STRAIGHT."
AMEN! May it be so!

rockwell

[rockwell]

326 Days in Recovery. 23 Consecutive Days Sober [2 day relapse in November ] 301 consecutive days Sober is my personal best.

[gregg70]

My heart is convicted now. It is convinced. I am sold out. Not to just getting through the day being P free. Not just counting days and getting through. Nope. I am on a mission. I know what the LORD requires of me. I know he has plans for my life. I know he wants me to live and to prosper. And I will follow him

Amen Rock!

Go for it. You are getting that spark back man.

Gregg70

[rockwell]

My Journal has moved and I will no longer be posting here.

Journal located on the new board:
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