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Post by JohnG on Feb 23, 2007 15:33:59 GMT -5
Welcome!
JohnG
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Post by rockwell on Feb 23, 2007 20:25:47 GMT -5
DAY 1
Create in me a clean heart, Oh God. And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. And grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
-from the Book of Psalms
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Post by rockwell on Feb 23, 2007 21:57:43 GMT -5
After reading several peoples journals, I am feeling very sad. I am sad for so many of you that posted here. Sad that you are experiencing a merry-go-round, as someone else put it. Being clean for a while and then falling, feeling humiliated, guilty, worthless - and then back on the wagon again only to have it happen over and over again. I am encouraged by those who have obtained victory for long periods of tiime and that does give me some hope. We would all be better off if we lived in 1850. There was no internet, tv, no porn!!! We would be different men. I am hoping that God will help me to overcome this evil within me. That I will be able to somehow overcome this, and then, in time, be able to help others that are struggling. God please help me. Please make me be the man i was meant to be.
I will share my story in time. Thank you for this site. Lord hear the prayers of all the men hear, please help us. Send us angels.
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Post by surrender on Feb 23, 2007 22:07:26 GMT -5
Rockwell,
I find that this site often mirrors my mood. There are a lot of sad and scary posts but there are also a lot of daily successes and sage wisdom.
Your comment about 1850 is interesting. I feel that the addiction is allowing me to hide from things I'd rather not think about. I am guessing that that situation has existed for folks throughout the ages. Way back when we might have been alcoholics or gamblers. In any case, I can't honestly blame porn. It's me that is the problem.
Hang in there and continue with the prayers. I am finding that praying helps me.
Surrender
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Post by fighting on Feb 24, 2007 2:04:17 GMT -5
Rockwell,
Welcome, I'm glad you decided to start a journal. I'm fairly new here too, but I've found the site incredibly helpful in motivating me and supporting me in the first few (scary) steps to recovery. It's going to be a long road, but I really feel like I have the support of people here to get started on that journey. And I feel like they've given me the motivation and strength to bring some of those I love into this journey to help me.
I hope you find some strength here, and some hope. We're all struggling together here.
God Bless -fighting
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Post by rockwell on Feb 26, 2007 10:20:58 GMT -5
Beginning Day 4
Today will be a clean day. I am already noticing a difference with my emotions and the way I am more open when I am not guilty and hiding. God did forgive me and I feel forgiven. Now I ask for his help in becoming pure. I will put out of my mind impure thoughts and replace them with thoughts of love and care for my wife. If I start to feel down I will recognize this and I will realise that this could trigger a longing to get a quick fix and high. Instead, I will experience the down emotions, and go through them, knowing that they will not last forever. And if I get tempted, and I feel a "wave" coming on....a powerful wave that seems to consume me as it has before, I will get up and take a walk. I will do something else, I will come here and post what I am feeling, I will ask for God's help.
All the guilt, shame and disgust that I had with myself, I gave to God. I asked him to cleanse me from all of my sin and make me new again. I believe he has been patient with me, he knows my weakness and will help me if I just listen to that small voice that is telling me "don't look!" "dont seek after what is wrong." It is easy to write this at this moment since I am not in a wave and do not feel one coming on. But I am not stupid. A wave will come, and it will be a test. Will I be ready for the test? I would like to say that I will. I am weak, but I am calling out to him to help me. I pray for all men on these posts today for help and strength. Keep the powers of darkness at bay. Keep Gods light shining, and draw us into the light....the place where there is no darkeness at all. In the darkeness is where the wickendess lies. But in that great light, there is no darkness, only peace and surrendered power.
I give my heart to my higher power today. My power is God the Father the Almighty. I do not deserve it, but I call out to you and humbly ask for your help.
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 28, 2007 12:07:55 GMT -5
Hi rockwell,
I'm glad to hear you're doing well. Do you know if your church provides support for this particular addiction? There is nothing so liberating for an addict as being able to vocalize your problems to another human being who will not judge you. Let's get through today clean, which'll let us wake up just a little happier tomorrow.
Blueclouds
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Post by rockwell on Feb 28, 2007 16:43:07 GMT -5
DAY 6 at 4:40
I am feeling a little down and my brain wants to feel up. You know what that means. But I have been reading others journals and I know I have come 6 days of being free. Do not want to fall back. I will just ride this out. Even though this is an anonymous message board, I am so private about myself that I am not even comfortable talking about my history and why I am the way I am. I know it would be healthy to open up by writing. But I am so guarded. Strange...noone here even knows me, but still I dont want to open up. So I have just stayed very general. I hope to be better about expressing my feelings in this journal. I do believe there is hope. When I overcome this I hope to help others who have struggled and are struggling.
I do not have a support group at my church, No. And I wouldn't feel comfortable joining one. I will continue to post here and if I need to, I will consider joining a group. It was a huge step just coming to this message board and starting this journal.
Without God, I wonder how people can fight this addiction. Is it possible without him? Perhaps with a strong determination. But I am weak. Can't do it without his help.
God is our refuge and strength. An ever present help in trouble.
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Post by fighting on Feb 28, 2007 18:09:53 GMT -5
Hi Rockwell, I hope you're feeling a bit more up.
Don't take your sobriety for granted, even if it is just a few days. I too have had a hard time opening up on this board, for a number of reasons, some legitimate, some not. But it has really helped me to express things in writing and really get them out. I really hope this board helps you out and you find the courage to get whatever other help you need! -fighting
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Post by rockwell on Mar 1, 2007 12:56:56 GMT -5
Lunchtime - DAY 7
Now clean for 7 days. I have not sensed an overwhelming temptation to look at porn since last Thursday. But I know how it works. Usually I am either feeling down, or I am feeling very UP. Suddenly there is a rush in my head and a thought, an urge rises up and tells me to look at porn real quick. I resist. Instead I do a google search and look for something more innocent - not porn but maybe something someone has written about sex or a sexual encounter. That rises the chemical in my brain....and then its all downhill from there.
I am not even sure I could be considered an addict, maybe something a bit less than that. When I was in my 20's I literally only looked at 1 porn magazine that I had found in my apartment-mates room. When I was a teen I looked at a few magazines and went to an adult cinema with my friends when I was a senior in high school. In college a couple of friends rented a porn movie and I watched it. After that.....porn magazine only once in my 20s.....and then a decade of no porn -- NONE!
I was tempted at times in my 20s....when I would see magazines in the convenience stores. But it was way to embarrasing to buy one. The thoughts and feelings I had previously felt when I saw porn - the 2 movies in my teens...still stayed with me for the entire decade and I replayed them over and over in my head.
I was in my early thirties the first time I went on the internet. I had internet at work but not at home. For 8 months I had internet connection at work, but never ever searched for porn. I knew it was there...I had heard about it and read about it. But I was afraid. Afraid if I looked I would get caught. Afraid I would get addicted. So I avoided it. It was easy to avoid at first because I was not accustomed to looking for it.
One day, noone was at work but me. And I did a google search. I was shocked at all the porn that I found. And I spent the entire afternoon with my door closed looking and looking and looking. The rush to my head was increadible. And I was extremely aroused by it. Hours and hours went by so quickly. And I wasted the entire afternoon. [trigger] I MB and it was probably the most exposive orgasm I ever had. (wow...I am revealing too much here?)[/trigger] After that experience I was very upset with myself. Very upset. I had compromised my values and I felt sick, demented, perverted. I prayed for forgiveness. I did not look at any porn again for many months. But I knew how to find it now, and just how easy it was. That was around a decade ago. Since then I have done the same thing several times. Looked for hours, MB, then begged for forgiveness to God. 3 months would go by, maybe 6 at the most, and then do it again. Sometimes several times in a week. On and off this would happen over the years. I have to say that I did learn some sexual techniques that I used on my wife that were exciting. My sex life sometimes would be better after looking at it because I would be so super charged up. But then The guilt would ruin things a day or two later and I would become very depressed.
Now fast forward to January of 2007. I had not looked at any P since October. But the first week of January while at work I looked - just real quick - if you know what I mean. And I spent the entire day on internet P. This time I went on a bindge. Every day for 2 weeks (except for one day and not including the weekends) I was online looking at it. Stuff that was shocking [trigger]like group sex. 3 guys and a women. "tag-teaming", [/trigger]you name it. All disgusting degrading stuff......yet I could not pull myself away from it. By Wed of last week I vowed never to look again. And on Thursday I was feeling down....I guess not conscious of it....my brain wanted that high, and I again went back to the P. I wasted 6 hours on it. 6 hours!!!!!! Now I know I have a problem. How could I do this? I am a married man. I have kids and a wife. This is awful I told myself. I did a google search and found this sight. Thank God. I prayed all night long on Thursday to God. Begging for help and understanding. My first post was Friday and I am determined to continue to stay here....especially when I feel the urges that drove me to seek out P.
There is much more to say about this. But this is all I can say for now. Thank God for this site. I mean it. Thank God. Anyone reading this....I pray for you....God to help you. I am clean today and with his help I will get through this day.
rockwell
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Post by MJ on Mar 1, 2007 18:41:01 GMT -5
Hey rockwell, Thanks for opening up and telling us about your story. That is very courageous of you and I can identify with a lot of the things you've written about here. Keep writing and reaching out. That's the great thing about this website. Peace, MJ
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oscar
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by oscar on Mar 2, 2007 9:53:38 GMT -5
Hi Rockwell, I would also like to thank you for sharing bit of your story for us here. It can be painful to write those things down which you only want to escape from and erase, if possible. I definitely know the feeling you described, the feeling of shame and guilt. This really is a struggle of our lives and as soon as we understand it the better. By our lives I mean that P-addiction can take the life we would want live away from us. It can destroy us and our loved ones, if we let it. Thank God, things do not have to be like this. We can find freedom but it's gonna take every bit of our resolution and will to do it. And little extra help does not hurt us too All the best, -Oscar
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Post by fritz on Mar 2, 2007 11:08:09 GMT -5
Rockwell, thanks for sharing, thanks for being here, and thanks for your prayers -- be assured of mine for you.
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Post by rockwell on Mar 2, 2007 12:03:58 GMT -5
fritz, oscar, mj, fighting. thank you very much for the encouragement. i really needed it. i just prayed for you guys.
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Post by rockwell on Mar 2, 2007 12:14:30 GMT -5
DAY 8 Lunch hour
I am grateful for the support of the people who posted here above. I am hoping that my guilt from last week will die down and subside. It would be nice to make love to my wife this weekend. It has been 3 weeks since we have done so. I want the rush in my brain to be the result of my love for her and her alone, and not from getting pre-stimulated by P. Been clean for 8 days, but what is clean? My thoughts are not exactly pure even though I have not looked at P or MB at all in the past 8 days. One day at a time.
When my wife and I make love, I do not think about P. But I have sometimes imagined that I am the men in those movies....maybe it give me a feeling of power, I dont know.
I love my wife and I hope that we can have some special time this weekend. Something strange........in the past after my wife and I have made love, the same day or the next day I have MB several times. It is almost like I want to gain back the control of my sexuality....like it is mine again. As if I have lost it to her after we have made love. This will not happen this time. I will not try to gain back control if that makes any sense. My body is hers and hers is mine and she needs to own my responses to her, not me owning them. I want to have sex with her without the guilt of my past. After all I am forgiven by God himself...and so I need to let go of guilt. I keep wanting to hold on to it to punish myself. I deserve punishment...that is what is going on in my head. If I can make it 3 months or so than perhaps I will feel more pure inside. More like Adam felt with Eve. Innocent. Pure desire, untainted by P. Pure love.
I love my wife and I want my sexuality to be for her alone. It will be. Not just a part of the pie but the whole thing.
God help and guard all on this site. Do not let us become deceived and fall into the trap. Shine light and love into our souls today. Deliver us from evil.
rockwell
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