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Post by rockwell on May 2, 2007 10:53:08 GMT -5
I am going to be traveling for work and staying in a hotel for several days. I already have an action plan that I will immediately implement when I get to my hotel room.
First of all I will go to the TV, and immediate remove P access. I will not browse through the channels "just to see" what is on. NO WAY. Immediate removal! Sometimes these restrictions only last for 24 ours on these hotel TVs, so 24 hours later, I will do the same thing.
I have been on trips (pre Feb 22) and have not looked at P, but other times I have. The times that I did look at it I tempted myself by allowing the voice to dominate my mind and my will. It would tell me to just check the titles of the P channels. And then it would escalate. I know better now. And I should not trust myself or be over confident that just because I have not looked at P since Feb 22, that I am immune to temptations draw and power.
Never be off guard! So this is my action plan. Additionally some of the men I will be with, love to go to strip clubs. And Atlanta, where I will be, has tons of them. I am not going to go with them. I will just say NO.
In the end I bet I feel pretty good about myself and my decisions to do right versus the easy thing. And when I return to my lovely bride, I will be ready to embrace her in my arms with 100% love, no guilt and ready for our special time together.
rockwell
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Post by ferdberfil on May 2, 2007 22:56:33 GMT -5
Hi rockwell-
These sound like good plans. I hope you have a good trip! I have a feeling this will go well for you.
-FB
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Post by rockwell on May 7, 2007 14:55:55 GMT -5
Making sure I focus on the priorities that will enable happiness for me and my wife and family. Make my wife first. Work to make her happy and put her needs above my own. Spend time with my kids and enjoy every minute while they are young. Give thanks to God for his help and the good things he has given to me. Never take anything for granted. Especially health.
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Post by rockwell on May 23, 2007 16:15:51 GMT -5
Relationship-wise things have been going excellent with my wife and I. Communication has been open. Our love-making has been exciting and real. All this despite some very stressful events taking place in our lives.
On my business trip I resisted temptation by blocking the P on the hotel room TV. This proved to be effective.
Overall I have not felt strong temptations to look at P. Overall those feelings are dying because I have learned over the past 3 months that nothing compares to the real thing. An open, loving relationship between husband and wife. No substitutes.
I am entering a very stressful time in my life and in the life of my family due to events outside of our control. I know from reading the posts on other people's journals that this can be a triggering time. A time when I may want to escape the realities of my life and dilute my mind with euphoric chemical activity to dull the upcoming pain. However, I am aware of this. And I will continue to concentrate my engergy on communicating with my wife. And continue to make love to her as often as possible. I am finding that the more lovemaking that take place, the healthier the relationship is and the stronger it is.
I will rely on you, God. You are my strength and my shield. You will help us get through the stress and strains of life. I need your spirit. Help me to submit to you and to do the tasks ahead that you have assigned to me and my family. Help me to do it with grace, optimism. Help us through the challenging and difficult times ahead.
for the Kindgom, the power and the glory are yours. Now and forever. Amen
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Post by rockwell on May 25, 2007 14:17:24 GMT -5
The problem with pain......
Pain. It is something we want to avoid. Something we want to escape from. How about numbing the pain? If you could numb pain would you do it?
The problem with pain is that we have ways to avoid it by numbing. Pain is a trigger. But instead of avoiding it, face it. That is what I have recognized. I am feeling some pain now and sadness. But I know that this is a trigger to want to endorphin the problem. Because of my experience, I know that this could be a moment of weakness. Or it could be a moment of triumph. And so I will carry on. I will not try to avoid pain. I will face it, feel it and roll with it. The alternative - - there is no alternative.
Been free from P since Feb 22. Not going down that path. Why? Because it will be worse than the current pain I am in.
I feel all the stronger for resisting temptation and for feeling what i am feeling and not avoiding. I hope the reader can get tidbits of value from my postings and that these help at least one of my fellow men.
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Post by arctic on May 26, 2007 12:10:18 GMT -5
Hi Rockwell,
I totally agree with what you say about the importance of facing your pain. It really does make you stronger when you meet it face to face. A bit like pumping iron at the mental gym it is. As to the alternative, that's right, there is no non-destructive alternative. P is like counterfeit medicine, at first glance it seems like a good remedy for your pain, but as soon as you swallow it, you realize that you've been poisoned.
Stay positive. This too shall pass.
Arctic
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Post by rockwell on May 29, 2007 9:26:24 GMT -5
Working through pain.....
What Arctic wrote above is so true and I appreciate what he said. He is absolutely correct. P is POISION.
Now, about pain.
I am working through some pain, sadness some very big changes, stress and worry now. I am determined to go through this valley and not deny what I am feeling. I have not numbed the pain in any sort of way. It is very hard to go through this but I know in the end I will be stronger for it.
The here and the now. It is not all about that. Its about living each moment one at a time. Walking through the process of life and accepting the cards that were given to you. How I accept the current challenge I am under and how I react to it will speak to my character.
I am asking God to help me and my family through these trials. To see hope through all this, to strengthen the realtionship between my wife and myself. But most of all what I pray for is peace. I need to have peace in my soul to deal with all of the anxiety of the future. I pray for peace. And to the reader: if you think of it, please pray for me.
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on May 30, 2007 12:15:16 GMT -5
I am so increadibly sad. so down. NO, I have not fallen and looked at P. But I am weak now. And my weakness is when temptation rears its ugly head. I have not posted about specifics within my family situation. I am guarded about that because I am afraid that a relative or an acquaintence would figure out who I am if I got into details. All I can say is that my family is going through something very sad, stressful and painful. It has nothing to do with me at all. But it is effecting my wife and I the most. I am so sad and have not been able to sleep for days. I cannot think positively or clearly. I pray and pray and pray but do not feel Gods presence. Where is he?
I wish my situation could change but it cannot. I must face what is going on in my extended family and put on the best face possible. But I must deal with this sadness. I wish I could cry but I am not able.
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide. Wish the summer wind would bring back paradise.....
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Post by blueclouds on May 31, 2007 14:40:28 GMT -5
Hi Rockwell,
It seemed like there were fewer posts from you for a while, and I wondered what was up with you. I'm glad to see you're still going strong in terms of your recovery. I'm sorry you're having some sadness and stress lately. I too am facing some imminent upheaval in my life (my first child in July, some scary investments, a possible major move, etc.). As JohnG pointed out, I may not feel any urges during this stress, but I should be vigilant afterwards -- during the release and relief stage. So I'll pass that on to you. We may be so caught up in our current worries that we really have no time or mental space to allow for urges. But the calm after the storm is when things can bubble to the surface. Stick around and we'll all support each other. I hope you and your family find a peaceful resolution to whatever's going on.
Blueclouds
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Post by rockwell on Jun 1, 2007 15:22:34 GMT -5
Thanks to blueclouds for his advice which I will take heed.
A good night of sleep can do wonders for a man under stress. Sleep does the body and mind wonders.
My wife and I held one another close last night. Love does the body and mind wonders.
Love and Sleep. And prayer.
Continuing to go through this, but finding hope along the way
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Jun 4, 2007 11:44:04 GMT -5
I need to trust in the Lord more fully than I have been doing. I need to "Cast all my cares on him for he cares for me." And be "anxious for nothing." This is something that is very hard for me to do. It is hard to trust what you cannot see and know. I cannot see the future and the outcome of my family situation. I do not know what to expect and what will happen next.
I know that God is there. I have been taught to believe in him and to trust him and "thy will be done." But when true life events that are not pleasant come my way, how do I handle them? The answer is, I get anxious, I cannot sleep, I become negative and think the worse case scenarios. I need to let go of all of this as it is all out of my control.
I need to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. This is difficult. But I am trying to do that right now. I cannot sugar coat this. The reality is that this is hard for me. But I am asking for his help and guidance and his perfect plan to unfold.
Lord, help me to give up my fear and anxiety to you. Help me to trust you, that you will work things out for good, the right way. Help me to let go of everything. Trust Trust Trust. Help me to have faith and to believe. And let the peace of the Lord be always with me.
and to the reader: "And also with you."
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Post by rockwell on Jun 6, 2007 11:39:30 GMT -5
I have observed from reading numerous posts on this board, that stress is a key factor in drawing men back into P and relapses. I can see how that is. Since I am under some severe stress I can relate to that dilema. Over the weekend, I found that having sex with my wife can be a huge stress reliever. Perhpas I should say "making love." Our encounters were very intense and afterwards the dopamine effect seemed to numb the pain I am in. So my focus is on trying to make love as much as possible to my wife instead of seeking out the endorphin rush through inappropriate channels.
To the reader: Make love to your wife (if you are married) to relieve stress and anxiety.
Holding strong since Feb 22.
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Post by rockwell on Jun 8, 2007 11:56:44 GMT -5
The need for endorphins, the need to feel down. Endorphins? For lovemaking with my wife only. The need to feel down? That is reality. Walk through it and live it. Emotions pass. Hindsight is always 20/20. Living what I am feeling and dealing with it as a man, a husband, a Father. Going thru life one moment at a time. Trying to do the right thing. Things will work out. Cast all cares on the Lord. Trust. Trying this.
In going forward there are always certain risks. Take the risk, Rockwell! You can't really live unless you are willing to take risks, be vulnerable, express your emotions and tears. It's OK! Cant protect myself from everything, can't just coast thru life avoiding risks, pitfalls and pain. I need to expand myself, reach higher. Plug my nose and take a leap into the uncertain waters out there. And stop the negative pessimistic thinking. Everything is not a tragedy. Everything is not the worse case scenario. I am a half empty glass kind of guy. Always seeing the worst outcome, the worst financial scenario. This has to stop. Living this way is not keeping with my charter which is to trust in the Lord.
MY FAITH>>>>>
Where is my faith? How do I obtain it? What is it like to trust in the Lord? What does it really mean? Do I trust him or not? Do I believe he wants to best for my life and my family or do I think he wants to hurt and punish us to teach a lesson?
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdon. That is a saying from either the Psalms or Proverbs in the Bible. I admit, I do fear the Lord. He is the ultimate power and can do whatever he wants. I fear him. It is hard to fear and trust at the same time. Part of me believes he wants to bless me and part thinks "watch out". I obviously have issues with trusting the Almighty. I am being completely honest.
I am not a holy roller. I do not proclaim my faith out to everyone. I have a quiet faith. Sometimes ignored, sometimes just going thru the motions. I have always believed in God the Father Almighty, Jesus Christ his only son, and the Holy Spirit. These beliefs have been ingrained in me since before I can even remember. I still claim them as my own. These basic beliefs. God created the entire world and universe. He is all powerful, and is incomprehensible. His ways are so much higher than mine that I cannot entirely know him because he moves in mysterious ways. Ways not understood by me. As I have been taught and believe for myself, God shows his love by forming himself into a human. Jesus is this human and he decided to take this enormous punishment for sinfulness on himself. God had decided that humans must die in an eternal death as punishment for rebellion against God. Jesus took that punishment for humans and died, paying this penalty and setting us free from this awful punishment. So I am set free. Yet I feel the chains still. I do not feel the joy I am supposed to feel. Perhaps I am not supposed to feel it. What are feelings anyway? So I am thankful to God that I can be assured of something that is scary. Will I go to heaven when I die? Very scary thought. But in Jesus's sacrifice, he assures us that we have this eternal life even though I do not deserve it. In that there is comfort. I know it is a strange and incomprehensible belief. So God has accepted me not by anything I did, but because of what his Son did when he died on the cross. And I place my faith in him. I have nowhere else to go.
Through all my confusion I still cling to this profession of faith. I rebel, I am a poor example. I do not have a heart that is clean enough or pure enough or compassionate enough. In my faith I see myself as a pilgrim. I am on a journey toward the truth although I only have a part of the truth. The simple part that God did something huge to allow me into his kingdom. Never anything on my part. Nothing I could do or ever do would allow me this gift.
But I am still wandering, not faithful enough. Not trusting. Super far away from perfection. Still relying on God's spirit and patience to help me through the days. To be the right kind of husband and father and friend. Help me God to be humble. I need your help.
To the reader: I hope that in some way if you are searching for that higher power, that you will consider God the Father Almighty and his son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I do not have all the answers, only simplistic things. But if you send me a personal message I will answer.
God, The Father Almighty, and Jesus his son: I ask you to help me and all the men on this board. Help us all to find the truth, set us free from our sin and allow us to have the ability to believe in what your son did for us by dying for us. I know I probably am not making sense, but speak to that one reader who is seeking. Your humble servant.
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Post by rockwell on Jun 14, 2007 16:23:03 GMT -5
Checking in. Just want to report that I have hit 113 days clean If I did my math correctly. Feb 22 was my start date.
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Post by rockwell on Jun 22, 2007 11:36:00 GMT -5
It is said in scripture that God is light and there is no darkness in him at all. If we belong to him, we belong in the light and we have no place in the darkness. His light exposes the darkness and fills it with light. Applying this truth allows God to rush in his light into this dark area.
I want to be a role model. Part of me wishes to be perfect to help others. But I am not perfect at all - far from it. And so in being honest about myself I am being truthful. And the truth will set you free, says the scriptures.
Now I am not sure what I was trying to say here. But I think the point is as a Christian I cannot try to act like I am perfect to lead others. I think I need to be myself, acknowledge where I have been and give all the credit to God for helping me out of the pit and onto the path that he leads me to.
rockwell
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