Post by rockwell on Jun 22, 2007 15:21:57 GMT -5
[trigger] This is hard for me to write. It is all in my head, but actually putting this down into my journal makes me anxious. Maybe I feel like I am opening myself up to judgement from others. Or maybe it just makes me uncomfortable to state these things about myself.
My earlier years with sexuality. This goes back about 27 years....
My best friend and shared a sexual relationship. He was 2 years older than me. It started when I was about 11 years old and he was 13. The beginning of this story is almost identical to the story of many men who post here. We found porn magazines, went to secret places and read them and MB.
[trigger]My best friend and I... we began to sexually experiment with each other. We did mutual MB and oral sex. We never did sodomy, and that thought repulses me to this very day. It started out as experimentation and at first I did not really like it much other than the orgasm. But by the time I was 13 I wanted to please him and it was on a much deeper level.
I knew it was wrong. I felt guilty.
This continued until I was 14. One day I suddenly decided that this would be the last time. But I didn't tell him....not yet.
The next time he slept over my house, I knew he wanted to"experiment" again. But I was determined that this was over. I told him flat out "NO!" I was steadfast. I guess you could say that this is when we ended it. We remained friends after that but it was awkward and the friendship began to fade and then eventually died.
Since that day, I have never had another same sex encounter. I had vowed that I would never go back to that again. But the years after this were very difficult for me. Painful.
Because my first sexual experiences were with another male, it skewed my sexuality. It confused me. Was I gay?
I had girlfriends in high school, college and beyond. But sometimes when I was with my girlfriend I would be super turned on by her sexually. Other times it was like a switch went off and I would not even remotely think of her in a sexual way. This caused anxiety and I backed off from sexual encounters due to my fear of failure.
During my later years in college, God entered my life and I deepened my understanding of him. I wanted him to heal my past and make me pure. He came into my life and I desperately wanted him to rescue me from same sex feelings. I had depression in college because I would have sexual dreams. Sometimes about having sex with a women, but other times it was about having sex with a man. This alarmed me. I repressed a lot of this. And I had internal anger. I was unable to tell anyone about this.
I fell in love with several women over the years. But after college I felt that I needed to deal with my sexual issues. How could I be attracted to a women and yet want to pleasure another man? I wanted to be a married man one day, to be a father and a husband. I knew that this other part of me was not compatible with my christian understanding of sexuality and was not something that I truly wanted for my life.
I went to counseling and was told to explore the same-sex experiences, to try them out. I rejected this notion and sought out a new counseler. I went to a support group and one on one counseling. Eventually I came to recognize that I was bisexual.
Since the time I ended the sexual part with my best friend, my only sexual experiences were with myself via MB, or with my girlfirends. P did not have a place really, until much later. That info is in my early journal so I wont go into it here.
When I met the women that I eventually married I told her about my bisexuality. She did not seem to think too much of it, and we kind of driopped the subject. Since I believe in fidelity in marriage, I knew that I had a choice to make. It was either going to be sexual faithfulness in marriage, or no marriage at all. I chose marriage.
As the years have gone by I have recognized within myself that I am bisexual. However, these feelings have faded over the years. The relationship of trust and understanding I have with my wife has become more and more powerful and the strong feelings I had of my experiences with my old best friend have been overpowered by the experiences I have had and now have with my wife.
Yes, at times I do feel some bisexual feelings. But having sexual feelings for another person other than your wife is very common. The only difference is that my feelings sometimes are for another man. But in the end, it all boils down to fidelity. So being a bisexual is not really part of my identity. I mean, I do not walk around and say "I am bisexual." I do not really think of myself in that way. I think of myself as being a husband and father.
Now after writing this I am not sure if I am helping anyone or not. But I felt that God was leading me to share this in my journal, so I believe that at some point, someone may benefit from my confession - if you want to call it that.
In a way, I feel lucky. Because if I were same-sex orientated, I would not have the choice of having a wife and kids. So to me, having a bisexual bent at least gave me the choice. I chose a women and I do not regret it for one moment.
I do not really know for sure the causes of sexual orientation. But I think in my case it may have stemmed from my early sexual experiences. My first experiences were with another male. Perhaps if that did not happen I would not be bisexual at all, but 100% heterosexual. Who knows? What I do know is that I believe it was Gods will for me to marry and have kids and love my wife. When we make love I think only of her and noone else. No fantasies of anything,,,,just her.
Thats all for now. Whew!
rockwell[/trigger]
My earlier years with sexuality. This goes back about 27 years....
My best friend and shared a sexual relationship. He was 2 years older than me. It started when I was about 11 years old and he was 13. The beginning of this story is almost identical to the story of many men who post here. We found porn magazines, went to secret places and read them and MB.
[trigger]My best friend and I... we began to sexually experiment with each other. We did mutual MB and oral sex. We never did sodomy, and that thought repulses me to this very day. It started out as experimentation and at first I did not really like it much other than the orgasm. But by the time I was 13 I wanted to please him and it was on a much deeper level.
I knew it was wrong. I felt guilty.
This continued until I was 14. One day I suddenly decided that this would be the last time. But I didn't tell him....not yet.
The next time he slept over my house, I knew he wanted to"experiment" again. But I was determined that this was over. I told him flat out "NO!" I was steadfast. I guess you could say that this is when we ended it. We remained friends after that but it was awkward and the friendship began to fade and then eventually died.
Since that day, I have never had another same sex encounter. I had vowed that I would never go back to that again. But the years after this were very difficult for me. Painful.
Because my first sexual experiences were with another male, it skewed my sexuality. It confused me. Was I gay?
I had girlfriends in high school, college and beyond. But sometimes when I was with my girlfriend I would be super turned on by her sexually. Other times it was like a switch went off and I would not even remotely think of her in a sexual way. This caused anxiety and I backed off from sexual encounters due to my fear of failure.
During my later years in college, God entered my life and I deepened my understanding of him. I wanted him to heal my past and make me pure. He came into my life and I desperately wanted him to rescue me from same sex feelings. I had depression in college because I would have sexual dreams. Sometimes about having sex with a women, but other times it was about having sex with a man. This alarmed me. I repressed a lot of this. And I had internal anger. I was unable to tell anyone about this.
I fell in love with several women over the years. But after college I felt that I needed to deal with my sexual issues. How could I be attracted to a women and yet want to pleasure another man? I wanted to be a married man one day, to be a father and a husband. I knew that this other part of me was not compatible with my christian understanding of sexuality and was not something that I truly wanted for my life.
I went to counseling and was told to explore the same-sex experiences, to try them out. I rejected this notion and sought out a new counseler. I went to a support group and one on one counseling. Eventually I came to recognize that I was bisexual.
Since the time I ended the sexual part with my best friend, my only sexual experiences were with myself via MB, or with my girlfirends. P did not have a place really, until much later. That info is in my early journal so I wont go into it here.
When I met the women that I eventually married I told her about my bisexuality. She did not seem to think too much of it, and we kind of driopped the subject. Since I believe in fidelity in marriage, I knew that I had a choice to make. It was either going to be sexual faithfulness in marriage, or no marriage at all. I chose marriage.
As the years have gone by I have recognized within myself that I am bisexual. However, these feelings have faded over the years. The relationship of trust and understanding I have with my wife has become more and more powerful and the strong feelings I had of my experiences with my old best friend have been overpowered by the experiences I have had and now have with my wife.
Yes, at times I do feel some bisexual feelings. But having sexual feelings for another person other than your wife is very common. The only difference is that my feelings sometimes are for another man. But in the end, it all boils down to fidelity. So being a bisexual is not really part of my identity. I mean, I do not walk around and say "I am bisexual." I do not really think of myself in that way. I think of myself as being a husband and father.
Now after writing this I am not sure if I am helping anyone or not. But I felt that God was leading me to share this in my journal, so I believe that at some point, someone may benefit from my confession - if you want to call it that.
In a way, I feel lucky. Because if I were same-sex orientated, I would not have the choice of having a wife and kids. So to me, having a bisexual bent at least gave me the choice. I chose a women and I do not regret it for one moment.
I do not really know for sure the causes of sexual orientation. But I think in my case it may have stemmed from my early sexual experiences. My first experiences were with another male. Perhaps if that did not happen I would not be bisexual at all, but 100% heterosexual. Who knows? What I do know is that I believe it was Gods will for me to marry and have kids and love my wife. When we make love I think only of her and noone else. No fantasies of anything,,,,just her.
Thats all for now. Whew!
rockwell[/trigger]