Post by MrOuch on Aug 1, 2006 10:35:33 GMT -5
A real 911
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." psalm 91:1
Been thinking lately that I have to be careful. I have tried many times to kick the pornography habit and each time it came back. Several times I made it quite far along the path to freedom (years even) and thought I had succeeded only to fail again and again.
This time the motivation to change my ways was very strong. I had been caught by my wife and things seemed bleak indeed. The look of loss and resolve that she assumed seemed impenetrable. I realized at that moment that my life would never be the same again. In fact, my life was finished at that point. While I was living outside of my house, I began to reconstruct my life and this time I decided to do so in a way that I knew I would succeed.
I had always had a casual relationship with God, but never really felt that strongly about religion. I had been an altar boy growing up and was very active in the Church from time to time in college and afterward, but the older I got, the less involved I became. I became involved in building a career and lifestyle and amassing things (a nice home, nice cars, etc.)
In the last couple of years, I have been reexamining my convictions, especially regarding my religion. I knew it was a good thing to take the kids to church and Sunday school because it taught good moral values. Still I felt like the world's biggest hypocrite. I told my kids how important church was, but I never talked to them about God or lived a very holy life. I mean I wasn't out there murdering, cheating and lying, but when it came to pornography and lust and coveting, I was lacking a healthy control. Yet despite all of this, I just wasn't ready to make the big leap to practice what was preached to me.
That all changed when my wife discovered my deceits. This go-round with reforming my life is different. In those darkest days not so long ago, I kept asking God why had He allowed this to happen? Why couldn't He have given me a little hint to prevent this from happening? But I have now come to realize that after hitting the bottom comes the bounce. I have bounced back in a way that I wasn't quite expecting.
I have discovered several interesting things. ADD is not just for kids. I have always struggled with completing projects I start. I get 90% complete and then slack off. Regardless of the project, it rarely holds my attention to completion. I have always felt like a failure because I never seemed to be able to get anything completed. At least that's the way I viewed the world. Since my diagnosis, I can see things in a different way. By taking a step back and asking others what they think of my life, I have come to realize that my life is full of successes. I have always tended to focus on the shortcomings and not on the victories. I no longer feel like I skate through life somehow despite myself.
The other thing I have discovered is a robust relationship with God. I had read all that stuff about what a good Christian should do. You know, accept the Lord, give your heart to Jesus, etc. It was nothing more than words before. I have vacillated on my religious convictions over the years, and I have struggled mightily with what to do with my faith for the last 2 years. My D-Day caused me great concern and forced my hand. I had no other place to turn to except God. So, I prostrated myself before Him. I admitted my sins and I called on God to help me. A that time I remember speaking to my priest and telling him everything (he was the first person I told everything to). In the course of our conversation he said "You know, it's easy to be religious when times are hard, the hard part is be religious when times are easy." It hit me that if I had the conviction I felt at that moment, I probably would have avoided this predicament in the first place. Then again if I hadn't been in this predicament, I wouldn't have needed to find religion. This chicken-or-the-egg argument aside. My predicament was my catalyst.
I feel a spirit, a conviction, a call-it-what-you-will, that I have never felt before. I know that success over the temptation of pornography is attainable and that I am on the right path now. So, I press onward. My fear now is that I sound like some sort of zealot who feels he has solved some puzzling mystery. I am not someone with years of Christian zeal and wisdom. I am no expert in things biblical. In fact I'm pretty much a novice at best. Yet today I read that it's not the age of your service to God, but the maturity of your service. This meaning that just because your new to your convictions doesn't mean that it is less valuable. It is the level of conviction that matters. I wake each day now and thank God for who I am and the graces that He has given me. I have a great family, great friends, a great community to live in. I just want to be able to live in such a way to be an example of what accepting God can mean. I still struggle with temptations, but now I have a shield and armor to help me fight them.
"In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one."
Ephesians 6:16
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." psalm 91:1
Been thinking lately that I have to be careful. I have tried many times to kick the pornography habit and each time it came back. Several times I made it quite far along the path to freedom (years even) and thought I had succeeded only to fail again and again.
This time the motivation to change my ways was very strong. I had been caught by my wife and things seemed bleak indeed. The look of loss and resolve that she assumed seemed impenetrable. I realized at that moment that my life would never be the same again. In fact, my life was finished at that point. While I was living outside of my house, I began to reconstruct my life and this time I decided to do so in a way that I knew I would succeed.
I had always had a casual relationship with God, but never really felt that strongly about religion. I had been an altar boy growing up and was very active in the Church from time to time in college and afterward, but the older I got, the less involved I became. I became involved in building a career and lifestyle and amassing things (a nice home, nice cars, etc.)
In the last couple of years, I have been reexamining my convictions, especially regarding my religion. I knew it was a good thing to take the kids to church and Sunday school because it taught good moral values. Still I felt like the world's biggest hypocrite. I told my kids how important church was, but I never talked to them about God or lived a very holy life. I mean I wasn't out there murdering, cheating and lying, but when it came to pornography and lust and coveting, I was lacking a healthy control. Yet despite all of this, I just wasn't ready to make the big leap to practice what was preached to me.
That all changed when my wife discovered my deceits. This go-round with reforming my life is different. In those darkest days not so long ago, I kept asking God why had He allowed this to happen? Why couldn't He have given me a little hint to prevent this from happening? But I have now come to realize that after hitting the bottom comes the bounce. I have bounced back in a way that I wasn't quite expecting.
I have discovered several interesting things. ADD is not just for kids. I have always struggled with completing projects I start. I get 90% complete and then slack off. Regardless of the project, it rarely holds my attention to completion. I have always felt like a failure because I never seemed to be able to get anything completed. At least that's the way I viewed the world. Since my diagnosis, I can see things in a different way. By taking a step back and asking others what they think of my life, I have come to realize that my life is full of successes. I have always tended to focus on the shortcomings and not on the victories. I no longer feel like I skate through life somehow despite myself.
The other thing I have discovered is a robust relationship with God. I had read all that stuff about what a good Christian should do. You know, accept the Lord, give your heart to Jesus, etc. It was nothing more than words before. I have vacillated on my religious convictions over the years, and I have struggled mightily with what to do with my faith for the last 2 years. My D-Day caused me great concern and forced my hand. I had no other place to turn to except God. So, I prostrated myself before Him. I admitted my sins and I called on God to help me. A that time I remember speaking to my priest and telling him everything (he was the first person I told everything to). In the course of our conversation he said "You know, it's easy to be religious when times are hard, the hard part is be religious when times are easy." It hit me that if I had the conviction I felt at that moment, I probably would have avoided this predicament in the first place. Then again if I hadn't been in this predicament, I wouldn't have needed to find religion. This chicken-or-the-egg argument aside. My predicament was my catalyst.
I feel a spirit, a conviction, a call-it-what-you-will, that I have never felt before. I know that success over the temptation of pornography is attainable and that I am on the right path now. So, I press onward. My fear now is that I sound like some sort of zealot who feels he has solved some puzzling mystery. I am not someone with years of Christian zeal and wisdom. I am no expert in things biblical. In fact I'm pretty much a novice at best. Yet today I read that it's not the age of your service to God, but the maturity of your service. This meaning that just because your new to your convictions doesn't mean that it is less valuable. It is the level of conviction that matters. I wake each day now and thank God for who I am and the graces that He has given me. I have a great family, great friends, a great community to live in. I just want to be able to live in such a way to be an example of what accepting God can mean. I still struggle with temptations, but now I have a shield and armor to help me fight them.
"In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one."
Ephesians 6:16